In sickness and in health ,I am special

Trying to prepare yourself for a bad diagnosis is not easy and lets face it being sick in any capacity sucks. You tell yourself it could be many things and they do not have to be horrible but you go to a field hockey game and no one there but you has your symptom. You enter a restaurant that is packed and not one person there is struggling to stay on a stool or stand. That is when you realize whatever your illness it is quite special! Well I am special and why would my illness be other wise. Everyday I rise and say how can I make this day special? I try to make every person I speak with know at that moment in time nothing is more important than they are. I believe if we treat people with love and respect we get it back 10 fold and I know this is true in my life. I truly have felt loved beyond reason. Only a few times in my life have I ever envied another and that was in my youth and mostly over things I could not afford. I love who I am ,I love the people I come from, and I love life. So if I am handed a bad prognosis so be it, I have had a better life than most so who am I to complain if things get rough in the end? I would be a spoiled child to complain. I am a daughter, sister,WIFE, MOTHER, niece, cousin, Aunt and friend to many, I am A Blessed woman! I know this may all sound mellow dramatic and maybe it is but either way I believe God does what is necessary to get our attention and remind us of the things that matter. Living life with joy and a grateful heart matter, loving others matters , being in fellowship with God matters! So pray whatever comes my way I remember how blessed I have been to walk out my life with each of you and I have loved and been loved! I have been given everything so who am I to complain ? I won't bore you but I have had the best life you could ask for and I am not about to give that up NOW !!!

I write today under the influence of seizure medication administered to me on top of my normal dosage. Yesterday and for the past 3 days I have been have tremors, large tremors that almost keep me from standing. I have no idea where they came from or why, all I know is when I went to bed last night it was as if I were jumping in the bed. Brad called my new neurologist and she said take me to the ER.
My body has a mind of it's own lately and I am trying to figure out how to live in it. I had a break down on the way to the hospital and sobbed the deepest sob ever. I felt like my body was no longer mine. I thought if it could do this to me what else could and would it do to me.
I think of myself as a very stable person but it seems the monster within was just hacking away at my resolve.
I have been having some neurological problems for a while but when you are an epileptic woman going through menopause, you kind of stack it up to one of those. Well let me reassure you tremors have never been an issue till now. They became pretty violent before Brad took me to the hospital. They found no reason for them so they medicated me with more of my current meds. and sent me home. So here I am wondering what is going on within my body and thankful for the moment I am OK ! I am afraid this blog my be the place I record my decline!Please understand I am not seeking your sympathy just trying to keep track of certain patterns in my health!My memorie has become terrible too !
Moralof the story take good care of yourself and laught as often as possible !

24 hours

How many times have you lived out 24 hours of complete and utter misery? I have wasted so many days I can not begin to tell you of them all. Take these past few weeks, months, well really years. I have been feeling really poorly and when I say that I mean my head and body have been out of harmony, on a level most would never understand.So I started having tremors that were waking me and memory problems, speech problems, truly the list could go on but you get the picture, so I read everything to educate myself so when I arrived at the Dr.s office I be an informed patient. I wanted nothing to shock or surprise me , truthfully devastate me is more like it. I spent hours researching my symptoms and they all came back to this one disease. Well long story short ,I decided to see a new neurologist and take the news like a big girl. The greatest thing happened I walked into an office full of women who embraced me and made me know I was a priority. The Dr. informed me she did not suspect Parkinson's disease but in-fact thought my seizure disorder had changed and now I am having different types of seizures. I know to some of you this may not sound like much of a trade off but for me I know seizures they have been my lifelong companion, so big sigh of relief. I am getting tested and medicines added but all in all I know I can do this! So the 24 hours it took to get into the Dr. office changed my life and for the better. I guess the moral of my story is listen to your body it is speaking to you and be careful what you read because you may draw conclusions that worry you more than the actual facts will, so 24 hours later and I am on the road to recovering my mind from the pit it had dug !!! Hope all is well in the brain you are working with !

Epilepsy is my disorder !

Today I visited my new neurologist . This was significant because I called yesterday and they said their first appointment available would not be till Dec. 7 th., I told them I would take it as I was in trouble and I needed help. Sometimes you have to accept what is, so as to receive what is possible. Needless to say 1 hour later I got a call and I was in, in less than 24 hours. I have shared that I have a seizure disorder and I thought I had it under control. Well for a while now I have been plagued by all kinds of neurological symptoms, to many to mention. I have felt some serious concern and had to work through my doubts and fears. I am really not afraid of death so much as having to live in a body that robs me of my ability to think and reason. The physical handicaps are more than enough to get a handle on but to me losing my ability to write and think and encourage others would be devastating. Brad and I have been very fearful but hopeful, which has caused us to really bond on a deep level, my husband is my HERO !
I write because I am relieved and happy that something can be done to help me. Oh and by the way most all the stuff I was blaming on perimenopause was in fact my seizure disorder, hope all the women I have scared with my stories can take some peace in that! The good news is my Dr. is a seizure disorder specialist , so folks Pam is about to get re-educated on all the things seizure! So I posted this because a few people knew I was having problems and I wanted to let them know I am OK ! Pray for me please, and in that prayer give thanks for all God has done for me and all He continues to teach with Epilepsy

All it means to be human

The words I write bring me comfort and I can only hope they do the same for others. My life's greatest desire is to write a book that exposes the rawness of my soul and thereby my humanity. I believe if I tear down all the pretense any person reading my words will relate on some level. Humanity is not male nor female , black or white, gay or straight, no in fact humanity is our very soul . Humanity is that raw love and hurt that at times in life make us cry out for joy or sorrow. I am human and thereby able to love. In my truest humanity I can give of myself when my flesh is weak and unwilling. Watch a Mother when she is protecting her children and you will see her soul fully exposed. I remember when my son told me he was gay and I knew the attacks he may face within my own family. I became more because he needed me to be all that a mother is. I told everyone reject him, lose me too. Humanity protects and cares about everyone, it is what makes us more than just flesh and blood. I have made a decision to walk in the strength of my soul and the spirit God has given me. I will no longer allow myself to be an emotional wimp tossed about by every emotion under the sun but instead I will rise above these emotions and become more ! I write these words because I have a passion for life and I want to give what I am able so when I am no longer present these words will comfort those I leave behind! Man is an active moving breathing creature but he is more , he is a conscience and thoughts. I want my thoughts and words to be out in the universe so they may bring comfort and peace to hurting souls. I need to release my thoughts and words out into the world so I can bring peace and healing to my own soul.
Life needs to be more about living and breathing and not so much doing. When I take myself out of the rat race I find the ability to touch my own soul through releasing the things hidden in the recesses of my mind, were it not for those quiet moments, where I steal away, all these things would be lost even to me. So today I am taking time to find the things that make me want to be more than flesh and blood and emotions. Today I search to find all it means to be made in the likeness of God, human in form but godlike in my humanity !

My Mother

Growing up I had a difficult time in my home! I was quiet and easy going among a tribe of Indians. My 4 brothers were strong and able, smart and handsome, my sister was 8 years older and more of a mother figure, she was a great athlete too and never at a loss to share her opinion. My Mother and Father were young when they married and filled their home to well over its capacity. My Father was my buddy we were kindred in spirit and he always saw that I was cut from a different cloth than my Mom and sister. Mom and I never saw anything eye to eye, so it made for a very complicated relationship at best. Growing up I did not value many things about Mom, I was very critical and angry for the most part and she was the focus of most all my anger.

Well in time all things change ! I have a respect for her I never thought possible. My Mom has overcome so many of life's trials, ones that most people can't imagine. My Mother has overcome losing my father , her parents and many siblings along with countless friends. She has overcome a bypass surgery of 5 vessels in her heart only 16 years later at the age of 76 to have a major stroke and almost fully recover from that. This woman who the neurologist told me would never live independent again well she dares to defy all the odds against her and she has pushed her body past the limits anyone thought possible! She amazes me, if I am 1/2 the woman she is I will accomplish many things in my life and I didn't mention her raising 6 children and all the accidents and ER visits and hospital stays that included. She has also accompanied her grandchildren thru many scary situations , medical and other wise, even driving great grandchildren to hospitals in other states for care. I came to my Mom to deliver the news that I have a gay child and this farmers daughter and truck drivers wife with 4 heterosexual sons said well I love him and I will be here for him as long as I have a breath in my body. She gained my respect there , deep down I was afraid she would reject him and thereby me but no she didn't. Part of me thought she would wonder if I failed as a Mother but she still to this day she I am one of the greatest Mothers she knows! Well I will have to say I am only what I am because I was raised by a woman who made her family her life. My Mother is strong and confident and she makes me feel like I have a lot to live up to and I feel proud of her and I just wanted to put into words how very much I respect her and love her! God is a good God because He has opened my eyes to see something more beautiful in her , her faith in me has made me want to be more ! Her love and unyielding faith in me have dominated my life and made me better. I thank God for all He gave me in Betty Kate Ray Beauchamp and I would not change a thing, she is the best Mother ever!

Living while growing older !

Facing my senior years is a scary thought. I have always been young at heart but deeply in love with the elders in my family. I remember feeling like I would never grow old but funny when going to retrieve the mail the other day , I got my AARP card and it was then and there that I recalled that older people got those. Well much to my surprise I am now old enough to carry my own and get serious discounts at hotels which is quite important because now that I am older I can afford to travel. Funny tho when I look at my husband I see the same guy I fell in love with at 17 years of age, hold up that really isn't true because I like this cute guy in front of me more than that awkward boy. Brad has only grown more and more handsome with time and I am blessed that I can still call him mine! So aging has served him well !
I am not sure if I understand this whole aging thing and how it is suppose to work. I want to run and explore the world just as it did when I left my parents home for the first time. The only true clue to aging is this body that wants to hold onto every ounce I eat and attach it to my hips, ass and stomach. Now mind you when I was young I ate 3 to 4 times as much food and that is no joke and I managed to keep my weight at a healthy place. Now I eat a third of what I ate just 10 years ago and my weight still climbs! This is the aging process and this part stinks! My body is doing things that no normal body should and I am doing my part to stop it but this old tent just ain't what it use to be but somehow I have never been more at home here! I love what aging has done to my personality, I am by far the best version of myself right here and right now. I love who I am today I have become my own best friend , I speak in a much kinder tone even when I fail to do something right, I love this about being older. So today I will take one step at a time and press into my senior years with great curiosity , I will face the decline in my body with much respect but I will do everything in my power to resist it's faults. I will try not to let all my conversations be about how I feel. I will read and challenge my mind with everything possible. If life tries to stop me it will but only when I have done all that is possible by taking great care of myself. I want to live till I die and I want to die while living ! I want to give to everything I can so when I take my last breath I will feel no remorse ! I want an opportunity to live a life that others can say they respected.
Today I face some personal challenges that I can not speak of but let me assure you if I use my time right this too will only serve to make my life more meaning full !

Life ain't always what you think it aught to be!

I am often surprised by life. It changes on a constant basis. I am a person who loves order and work best with my life somewhat scheduled out but the rotation of the world and everyday circumstances could care less about my need for order. I hope to mellow with age and that means for me letting go of all kinds of things stored in my head . My mind seems to be on the road to self distruction right now. I fear sometimes I am losing the ability to remember. I reason pretty well . Contemplation is one of the many things I find enjoyable but lately I feel like a man, not fully present ! People will be talking to me and I have not heard a word they have said, why you ask because I am thinking of the flowers I want to plant or something of that nature. My thoughts are so free they run thru my mind any time they please, with no regaurd for the person standing there talking to me. This life i am living is a bit different than the one I thought I would be living, at least right here right now. My life is truly becoming more and more detached from everyone and in some ways giving more than ever. I know every thing I speak of could be costrued as a oxy-moron and I suppose that is what i am trying to say. I am free yet not, I am lost but somehow found. These words sould bring comfort but I fear they will just open your eyes to how very confused I am at this time in my life. I have always deep in the recesses of my mind been a free soul and today that freedom is pushing itself into my reality. I am thinking of and becoming satisfied with the simplicity that has become my life. I had always hoped to be someone great like "Mother Theresa" or " Ida Beauchamp", but I wake each day to find I am just a woman who has raised a family and loved one man all her life. The simplicity is striking when you think of all the dreams I have dreamed of most of my life. I have truly wanted to preach and teach the word of God but found I am not made of the stuff to be a pastor, I have wanted to work in the medical field and did so for a brief period of my life as an EMT(volunteer). I have also always wanted to minister to those with normal every day mental stresses and have done so across my kitchen table but yet to have made that the work of my life. By most standards I have failed in so many ways it is impossible to count, but I feel successful in life. I feel I really did get what was important for the most part. I may not have any fancy titles or jobs but if loving my family was on the list people deam as a huge success, well then I am.
Love is my claim to fame, I have made my greatest mission in life to love and there in lies my success and happiness because I have loved and been loved . I am so far from the finish line and I do not know what my furture holds but I think I just got my wind and for me that means a whole different life than the one I have led so far. Everything changes and everything stays the same !