My journey

The sexual awkwardness that follows breast cancer can be devastating. I being a 55 year old woman am certain that my body image is great compared to most, but even so, I am deeply affected by the clumsiness that comes with sex after mastectomy. Breasts are such a comfortable part of sex, they are a dominate force in driving your sexual desire and they are the center of attention for foreplay. With their loss suddenly part of you becomes mute and unable to speak, unable to feel, unable to draw wanted attention. Now between you and the one you love is an empty space, a space neither of you can seem to bridge, his hands reaching then retreating. Because I chose not to get reconstruction there are scars left in the place my soft mounds of flesh use to reside and in the heart of my husband some resentment he may not even be aware of. We all make choices we think in our best interest and those choices affect everyone we love. Cancer was not my choice but rest assured I made an educated choice about how to deal with it and I know I made the best choice I could for me. I wish none of this had happened because the ripple effects seem to linger so much longer than one expects. No one can prepare you for all that follows a diagnosis like cancer, no one can prepare you for all the ways it will affect your life, no one can prepare you for all the losses that accompany having to remove body parts to have a chance to live. Life is such a journey of losses and gains it is our job to find all that is beautiful in this experience. For me the hardest part of the sexual dysfunction isn't how I feel but knowing someone who loves me finds it awkward to put his hands on my body, the person I love and share my bed with finds my body no longer sexually attractive. I am okay but he is not, cancer has robbed him just as much as it has robbed me and no one is talking to him about his losses. No one is asking him how it feels to run your hands over your wife's body and the fear that comes with missing the comfort of knowing where to place your hands. Without question we shall overcome our awkwardness just as we did when we were young lovers but until then we shall remain ever vigilant in our pursuit of each other and the joy that having a life mate to navigate through the world with. It was just yesterday we began our journey together and 35 years have come and gone, I think we shall weather this storm just fine. Life is full of uncertainty but I am certain love can fill the gap between my love and me!