Honor

Honor is something the dictionary describes like this, high regard or great respect given. Well yesterday a number of people came out to show honor and respect to my Mother-in-law, Beth Wulff. Mom's passing was difficult and took a great deal of time.The last 2 years of her life were a constant struggle to feel satiated with a normal breath for her and those watching. Mom worked hard to be all she could to all of us and her attempts at life and living did not go unnoticed.


Honor is something Beth had more of than most and that is because she gave more than most. I think of every child she graced with care and tenderness while she calmed their fears and anxieties and dressed their wounded hearts and knees. My Mother-in-law never wanted to be the center of attention she felt happy letting others take that spot. When you think of humanity at its very finest you can picture her and you will know the face of real beauty. I feel honored that I was able to be a small part of her life and I am changed as a result. My life is better because she was an influence. She influenced me to always honor my husband and children. She taught me to carry my self with honesty and to live a life full of forgiveness and trust. Many are the people who will cross my path but few will teach me as much as she has. So today I will live here in this moment and I will be respectful and bring honor to the name we shared. I will always strive to carry on in her likeness and she will always have my undying love and honor!

Life and death

Living and dieing are the hardest things we will ever do. I believe their is a good reason babies come into the world crying. The moment in time when they must fully separate from the safety of the womb is harsh, much like life. I love my life but I believe the complexity of life cannot be under estimated. People walk out their journey and really never contemplate its end. Contemplation is something I do and often. I have always thought about eternity and felt how very arrogant we must seem to our creator when we walk everyday living as tho our tomorrows will never end. How very presumptuous we are when we think it happens to others not me. Well I know in fact we are all facing death and I choose to see it as another adventure in life, a continuation not a final curtain, so I read and investigate everything I can about it.
Over time many of the people I love have died and left me to face the world without them, this has angered me at times and sometimes I have felt relief when I have had to let go because the struggle to live was greater than the quality of the life left to live. The ones that leave sudden and unexpected make for the greatest amount of anger. We never seem prepared or ready to let go, ever. When we watch any one suffer and die the letting go becomes a tiny bit easier. We do not want to watch those we love suffer in any way, so letting go becomes necessary, never easy. The older we get the more accepting we become of the loss, for us it is a matter of order. The older one is when they pass the more acceptable it seems, do we devalue our lives with age or do we grow weary and restless and ready for the move upward? This is a question we must ask and I ask myself often as I want to know the mysteries of life and death. I believe that dieing is a continuation of life not the end! I believe just because we cannot see our loved ones doesn't mean they no longer exist. Maybe you say this is a coping mechanism , well in fact I suppose it could be but in fact historically many documents support my thoughts. The Bible is one such document and let me confirm that I believe what it says, I believe it to the core of my humanity. God has created man in His image and if God exists forever why would He make us in His image and let us be any less? Food for thought I guess. I am comfortable with my own demise it is just letting others go that I am most uncomfortable with. So today as I am forced to deal with losing another love of my life and let me say; I will not be afraid for her , I will see her as I imagine myself someday in the presence of God our Father, the Creator of the worlds, learning the mysteries of life ever after !

Normal everyday Heroes !

I have lived long enough to know real Heroes have no capes! They come in many forms tall , short , stocky, thin ,male and female. The real life heroes work jobs , marry and raise families. Real heroes die in the end! I love my heroes! God has placed so many in my life I know He thinks I am in special need of them.
My husband has many flaws as have I but he is probably the greatest in my book. He loves me and our children and our extended families. He makes sacrifices everyday to make my life a wonderful place to be and for him I am eternally grateful.
Today my Mother-in-law is dieing and she has always been one of my heroes. She breathes labored as it is, but she holds on so we as her family have ample time to make peace. I love her and hope I have honored her by honoring her son and family. She is my Hero!
My Father-in-law has done everything in his power to care for his wife and he is my hero too! He also takes care of his family like he is still in the prime of his life but in truth he is almost 80. WE all take advantage of his generosity and love, he is what a hero looks and acts like!
My siblings thru marriage are my heroes as well they each are suffering thru these difficult days by being there for each other and for their parents. They are the product of love and kindness and all that is necessary if you want to be someones hero!
My family of origin has been especially uplifting for me as well. My nieces and nephews are the best ....... all of them ( both sides including the ones who married in).
I realize that a humans heart is what makes a man or woman a Super Hero! Love is essential to being a hero and it is stronger than steel. Love can leap over miles and touch those that need it most. Love is the reason we have supernatural powers, not capes or flashy leotards.
If you desire to be a super HERO then love others the way you want to be loved and you to will have supernatural power enough to become the next super Hero !
Family is a great place to start training people to become Heroes! I know my children have already shown the mercy, tenderness and compassion that it takes to be super heroes as well! Love is the secret weapon, I don't know of anything stronger, so exercise your heart and let it make you so strong that you don't need any other type of strength. Do all it takes to make your family one more for the books! I know mine is making history right now!

In sickness and in health ,I am special

Trying to prepare yourself for a bad diagnosis is not easy and lets face it being sick in any capacity sucks. You tell yourself it could be many things and they do not have to be horrible but you go to a field hockey game and no one there but you has your symptom. You enter a restaurant that is packed and not one person there is struggling to stay on a stool or stand. That is when you realize whatever your illness it is quite special! Well I am special and why would my illness be other wise. Everyday I rise and say how can I make this day special? I try to make every person I speak with know at that moment in time nothing is more important than they are. I believe if we treat people with love and respect we get it back 10 fold and I know this is true in my life. I truly have felt loved beyond reason. Only a few times in my life have I ever envied another and that was in my youth and mostly over things I could not afford. I love who I am ,I love the people I come from, and I love life. So if I am handed a bad prognosis so be it, I have had a better life than most so who am I to complain if things get rough in the end? I would be a spoiled child to complain. I am a daughter, sister,WIFE, MOTHER, niece, cousin, Aunt and friend to many, I am A Blessed woman! I know this may all sound mellow dramatic and maybe it is but either way I believe God does what is necessary to get our attention and remind us of the things that matter. Living life with joy and a grateful heart matter, loving others matters , being in fellowship with God matters! So pray whatever comes my way I remember how blessed I have been to walk out my life with each of you and I have loved and been loved! I have been given everything so who am I to complain ? I won't bore you but I have had the best life you could ask for and I am not about to give that up NOW !!!

I write today under the influence of seizure medication administered to me on top of my normal dosage. Yesterday and for the past 3 days I have been have tremors, large tremors that almost keep me from standing. I have no idea where they came from or why, all I know is when I went to bed last night it was as if I were jumping in the bed. Brad called my new neurologist and she said take me to the ER.
My body has a mind of it's own lately and I am trying to figure out how to live in it. I had a break down on the way to the hospital and sobbed the deepest sob ever. I felt like my body was no longer mine. I thought if it could do this to me what else could and would it do to me.
I think of myself as a very stable person but it seems the monster within was just hacking away at my resolve.
I have been having some neurological problems for a while but when you are an epileptic woman going through menopause, you kind of stack it up to one of those. Well let me reassure you tremors have never been an issue till now. They became pretty violent before Brad took me to the hospital. They found no reason for them so they medicated me with more of my current meds. and sent me home. So here I am wondering what is going on within my body and thankful for the moment I am OK ! I am afraid this blog my be the place I record my decline!Please understand I am not seeking your sympathy just trying to keep track of certain patterns in my health!My memorie has become terrible too !
Moralof the story take good care of yourself and laught as often as possible !

24 hours

How many times have you lived out 24 hours of complete and utter misery? I have wasted so many days I can not begin to tell you of them all. Take these past few weeks, months, well really years. I have been feeling really poorly and when I say that I mean my head and body have been out of harmony, on a level most would never understand.So I started having tremors that were waking me and memory problems, speech problems, truly the list could go on but you get the picture, so I read everything to educate myself so when I arrived at the Dr.s office I be an informed patient. I wanted nothing to shock or surprise me , truthfully devastate me is more like it. I spent hours researching my symptoms and they all came back to this one disease. Well long story short ,I decided to see a new neurologist and take the news like a big girl. The greatest thing happened I walked into an office full of women who embraced me and made me know I was a priority. The Dr. informed me she did not suspect Parkinson's disease but in-fact thought my seizure disorder had changed and now I am having different types of seizures. I know to some of you this may not sound like much of a trade off but for me I know seizures they have been my lifelong companion, so big sigh of relief. I am getting tested and medicines added but all in all I know I can do this! So the 24 hours it took to get into the Dr. office changed my life and for the better. I guess the moral of my story is listen to your body it is speaking to you and be careful what you read because you may draw conclusions that worry you more than the actual facts will, so 24 hours later and I am on the road to recovering my mind from the pit it had dug !!! Hope all is well in the brain you are working with !

Epilepsy is my disorder !

Today I visited my new neurologist . This was significant because I called yesterday and they said their first appointment available would not be till Dec. 7 th., I told them I would take it as I was in trouble and I needed help. Sometimes you have to accept what is, so as to receive what is possible. Needless to say 1 hour later I got a call and I was in, in less than 24 hours. I have shared that I have a seizure disorder and I thought I had it under control. Well for a while now I have been plagued by all kinds of neurological symptoms, to many to mention. I have felt some serious concern and had to work through my doubts and fears. I am really not afraid of death so much as having to live in a body that robs me of my ability to think and reason. The physical handicaps are more than enough to get a handle on but to me losing my ability to write and think and encourage others would be devastating. Brad and I have been very fearful but hopeful, which has caused us to really bond on a deep level, my husband is my HERO !
I write because I am relieved and happy that something can be done to help me. Oh and by the way most all the stuff I was blaming on perimenopause was in fact my seizure disorder, hope all the women I have scared with my stories can take some peace in that! The good news is my Dr. is a seizure disorder specialist , so folks Pam is about to get re-educated on all the things seizure! So I posted this because a few people knew I was having problems and I wanted to let them know I am OK ! Pray for me please, and in that prayer give thanks for all God has done for me and all He continues to teach with Epilepsy