I grew up wanting something different than what I had. I really thought it was possible to change the world. I thought I could bring about great changes. The world has it all upside down , we value things more than people, we judge rather than accept. I know change has happened but not because of me, in spite of me. I wanted to be like Mother Theresa or Ida Beauchamp or Annabelle Messick, all women I admire, one a saint,my grandmother and my elderly confident-best friend. Well turns out I am me and the only thing I can do is share with others what these women inspired in me.
I think we are all sold a false bill of goods coming into this world. Everyone is not going to get to be someone renowned. The best we can hope is we become better and to inspire ourselves. The best we can hope for is to find our voice and use it sparingly. We should walk the walk and let our life reflect the example we really want it too ! My words are shallow but my actions they are the depth of me. If you want to know me do not look at my empty shallow words watch me and how I treat people. I am in a constant state of learning and I hope I do not miss one lesson along the way. Life is so much fuller if we keep our hearts and minds open to learning.
Life teaches us over and over that we need to love more and worry less. We need to make the people we love feel how very valuable they are to us. I have learned that I must give away the very things I want most , so that I can receive my share. I want love and acceptance so I need to extend it. I want relationship and companionship then that is what I must be.
The world was once flat because that is how people saw it, I suppose then if I want my world to be different I need to view it with fresh new eyes or flat it shall be! I am changing one day at a time and hopefully I too will become more than flat and void of height and depth but fear not for I am CHANGING!
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Monday, December 5, 2011
Epilepsy
Most of my life I have had to struggle with seizures. Seizures come most often right before the onset of my menses, except now, random events have been plaguing me for years, since the onset of Peri-menopause. I am writing because I need to preserve some memories before they are lost.
Six years ago started this battle in my brain. The reason I set apart the time is because before this I could feel most seizures before they came, so I would be more careful and rest and put off seizures by taking better care of myself. Most every seizure was during my waking hours, sleep was my escape, I found safety in sleep, not so anymore but most likely that is when they begin. During every pregnancy I went off all medications because the meds posed more risk to my babies than seizures did to me. I noticed that during pregnancy or delivery I never had a seizure. My theory is when pregnant I ate better, rested more and generally took better care of myself for the sake of my unborn child. Bad cramps or any abdominal pain is usually the precursor to a seizure but labor pain did not bring the on!
So in the last 6 years everything has changed, prior to these years I have never had to go to the hospital due to seizures but in fact I have been 5 times at present. I am remembering so as to preserve information that may help me in the future or maybe even others.
My brain has been on fire with over stimulation for the past 6 years, I am losing current and past memories. People tell me things we did and it feels like they are speaking of a stranger. I see people I have known for years and they talk as if I should remember them and I am at a loss. My seizure disorder is left temporal lobe which is where memories are stored, so that explains most of my losses.
Most all my life I have had grand-mal seizures, so when all these news partial seizures started firing off in my brain.......I had no idea what was happening. My new Doctor asked me if other people were complaining about my behavior and I said yes, they say I don't pay attention when they speak or I have begun stuttering ( never done this before), I stare off into space, lose track of time and have right sided loss of coordination. Sometimes I wake biting my cheek or tongue and just recently I have been having myoclonic jerks. My body is having involuntary movement originating in my pelvis almost like a hiccup. These symptoms are not painful but very disconcerting. So I have decided to begin writing them down and preserve them so as to keep an accurate record of my decline or recovery which ever it may be. I want to record information that maybe someone will read and be comforted by or even give insight to doctors who treat people like me. I am going to keep all this public for now, unless it makes my children uncomfortable.
I feel like I am losing my ability to communicate as well and that is why I will keep posting and rewriting and what-ever necessary to explain what it feels like to live with this disease or disorder whatever you choose to call it !
Typing also helps keep both sides of the brain communicating ! I need that too ! So for now I will stop but as things happen I will be updating my blog and keeping record of my life with Epilepsy
Six years ago started this battle in my brain. The reason I set apart the time is because before this I could feel most seizures before they came, so I would be more careful and rest and put off seizures by taking better care of myself. Most every seizure was during my waking hours, sleep was my escape, I found safety in sleep, not so anymore but most likely that is when they begin. During every pregnancy I went off all medications because the meds posed more risk to my babies than seizures did to me. I noticed that during pregnancy or delivery I never had a seizure. My theory is when pregnant I ate better, rested more and generally took better care of myself for the sake of my unborn child. Bad cramps or any abdominal pain is usually the precursor to a seizure but labor pain did not bring the on!
So in the last 6 years everything has changed, prior to these years I have never had to go to the hospital due to seizures but in fact I have been 5 times at present. I am remembering so as to preserve information that may help me in the future or maybe even others.
My brain has been on fire with over stimulation for the past 6 years, I am losing current and past memories. People tell me things we did and it feels like they are speaking of a stranger. I see people I have known for years and they talk as if I should remember them and I am at a loss. My seizure disorder is left temporal lobe which is where memories are stored, so that explains most of my losses.
Most all my life I have had grand-mal seizures, so when all these news partial seizures started firing off in my brain.......I had no idea what was happening. My new Doctor asked me if other people were complaining about my behavior and I said yes, they say I don't pay attention when they speak or I have begun stuttering ( never done this before), I stare off into space, lose track of time and have right sided loss of coordination. Sometimes I wake biting my cheek or tongue and just recently I have been having myoclonic jerks. My body is having involuntary movement originating in my pelvis almost like a hiccup. These symptoms are not painful but very disconcerting. So I have decided to begin writing them down and preserve them so as to keep an accurate record of my decline or recovery which ever it may be. I want to record information that maybe someone will read and be comforted by or even give insight to doctors who treat people like me. I am going to keep all this public for now, unless it makes my children uncomfortable.
I feel like I am losing my ability to communicate as well and that is why I will keep posting and rewriting and what-ever necessary to explain what it feels like to live with this disease or disorder whatever you choose to call it !
Typing also helps keep both sides of the brain communicating ! I need that too ! So for now I will stop but as things happen I will be updating my blog and keeping record of my life with Epilepsy
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday. Really there is no pretense with it. We come together family and friends to say how very thankful we are. No gifts are required only your place at the table. Many are the people who forget to stop and be thankful.
Even when someone you love is missing there is always a reason to give thanks.
I am thankful for the crazy little family Brad and I raised. My children are not like most , they indeed are unique, many may even say strange but I prefer to think that they just are like the parents that raised them. I do believe our family is special because we do not try to force each individual to conform, no truly we celebrate our differences. I know some other families seem so much more put together, they have doctors, lawyers and even architects at the table but I myself am satisfied with the current status. I am never in a rush to get to where we are going because the journey has so much to see and be experienced. Well my table this year will have 9 in all, this is a small gathering and that is the way I like it. Chase my son who lives in NYC will be absent but thankfully his Jersey Grandma, "Jane" by choice, has included him at her table of about 20. My mother-in-law Beth will only be present in the spirit of the love and DNA she left present in those she loves. So this year will be different but wonderful I am sure.
People come together on Thanksgiving to relax with one exception, the one preparing the food and the home for guests. I think preparing food for this celebration is a task where hopefully the heart of the one doing all the work is in a constant state of blessing. Blessing everything the hand touches so that every morsel consumed will create an atmosphere of love and joy and peace. I started writing today with so many thoughts I had to change my game plan, so what I hope you most get out of these words is to celebrate with a pure heart. Do not put to much pressure on yourselves to have everything perfect but instead celebrate the mishaps. Enjoy the time together and take a long walk after your meal and really give thanks to the creator for all He has blessed you with, I know that is what I will purpose to do in my heart right here right now! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Even when someone you love is missing there is always a reason to give thanks.
I am thankful for the crazy little family Brad and I raised. My children are not like most , they indeed are unique, many may even say strange but I prefer to think that they just are like the parents that raised them. I do believe our family is special because we do not try to force each individual to conform, no truly we celebrate our differences. I know some other families seem so much more put together, they have doctors, lawyers and even architects at the table but I myself am satisfied with the current status. I am never in a rush to get to where we are going because the journey has so much to see and be experienced. Well my table this year will have 9 in all, this is a small gathering and that is the way I like it. Chase my son who lives in NYC will be absent but thankfully his Jersey Grandma, "Jane" by choice, has included him at her table of about 20. My mother-in-law Beth will only be present in the spirit of the love and DNA she left present in those she loves. So this year will be different but wonderful I am sure.
People come together on Thanksgiving to relax with one exception, the one preparing the food and the home for guests. I think preparing food for this celebration is a task where hopefully the heart of the one doing all the work is in a constant state of blessing. Blessing everything the hand touches so that every morsel consumed will create an atmosphere of love and joy and peace. I started writing today with so many thoughts I had to change my game plan, so what I hope you most get out of these words is to celebrate with a pure heart. Do not put to much pressure on yourselves to have everything perfect but instead celebrate the mishaps. Enjoy the time together and take a long walk after your meal and really give thanks to the creator for all He has blessed you with, I know that is what I will purpose to do in my heart right here right now! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!
Monday, November 21, 2011
My final party !
When I die, I want my body donated for research, ( epilepsy, endometriosis, psorisis......etc.) When they have used it up they have my permission to use me to fertilize a garden of flowers as one of my passions is gardening ! Do not send flowers tho please send your flowers to someone in my honor or donate to Hospice or habitat. I would like a celebration of my life, meaning the people I love even my animals. I want a dinner party where my family feels special and loved by those in attendance, must serve lots of chocolate and even dance as it is my favorite other thing to do ! I want beautiful music that reflects my love of God and people and life. I want the sharing of scripture but make it personal , not some stoic words that doesn't reflect me and even some remarks from family and friends.........please feel free to remain seated if you have nothing good to say, LOL !!! I do not want some dismal service with too much order........ if your baby cries well so be it cause that is life ! Now if some one decides to place a marker in my honor please make sure it says, " I told you I didn't feel good!" Well I think that about covers it with one small exception, I have requested someone help me record a few songs that everyone must stay and listen to before receiving their party favor of a giant size Hershey bar or M&M's with or without nuts, departing gift ! If you will not do it my way I will haunt your thoughts while waiting for your arrival just inside the pearly gates.
Honor
Honor is something the dictionary describes like this, high regard or great respect given. Well yesterday a number of people came out to show honor and respect to my Mother-in-law, Beth Wulff. Mom's passing was difficult and took a great deal of time.The last 2 years of her life were a constant struggle to feel satiated with a normal breath for her and those watching. Mom worked hard to be all she could to all of us and her attempts at life and living did not go unnoticed.
Honor is something Beth had more of than most and that is because she gave more than most. I think of every child she graced with care and tenderness while she calmed their fears and anxieties and dressed their wounded hearts and knees. My Mother-in-law never wanted to be the center of attention she felt happy letting others take that spot. When you think of humanity at its very finest you can picture her and you will know the face of real beauty. I feel honored that I was able to be a small part of her life and I am changed as a result. My life is better because she was an influence. She influenced me to always honor my husband and children. She taught me to carry my self with honesty and to live a life full of forgiveness and trust. Many are the people who will cross my path but few will teach me as much as she has. So today I will live here in this moment and I will be respectful and bring honor to the name we shared. I will always strive to carry on in her likeness and she will always have my undying love and honor!
Honor is something Beth had more of than most and that is because she gave more than most. I think of every child she graced with care and tenderness while she calmed their fears and anxieties and dressed their wounded hearts and knees. My Mother-in-law never wanted to be the center of attention she felt happy letting others take that spot. When you think of humanity at its very finest you can picture her and you will know the face of real beauty. I feel honored that I was able to be a small part of her life and I am changed as a result. My life is better because she was an influence. She influenced me to always honor my husband and children. She taught me to carry my self with honesty and to live a life full of forgiveness and trust. Many are the people who will cross my path but few will teach me as much as she has. So today I will live here in this moment and I will be respectful and bring honor to the name we shared. I will always strive to carry on in her likeness and she will always have my undying love and honor!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Life and death
Living and dieing are the hardest things we will ever do. I believe their is a good reason babies come into the world crying. The moment in time when they must fully separate from the safety of the womb is harsh, much like life. I love my life but I believe the complexity of life cannot be under estimated. People walk out their journey and really never contemplate its end. Contemplation is something I do and often. I have always thought about eternity and felt how very arrogant we must seem to our creator when we walk everyday living as tho our tomorrows will never end. How very presumptuous we are when we think it happens to others not me. Well I know in fact we are all facing death and I choose to see it as another adventure in life, a continuation not a final curtain, so I read and investigate everything I can about it.
Over time many of the people I love have died and left me to face the world without them, this has angered me at times and sometimes I have felt relief when I have had to let go because the struggle to live was greater than the quality of the life left to live. The ones that leave sudden and unexpected make for the greatest amount of anger. We never seem prepared or ready to let go, ever. When we watch any one suffer and die the letting go becomes a tiny bit easier. We do not want to watch those we love suffer in any way, so letting go becomes necessary, never easy. The older we get the more accepting we become of the loss, for us it is a matter of order. The older one is when they pass the more acceptable it seems, do we devalue our lives with age or do we grow weary and restless and ready for the move upward? This is a question we must ask and I ask myself often as I want to know the mysteries of life and death. I believe that dieing is a continuation of life not the end! I believe just because we cannot see our loved ones doesn't mean they no longer exist. Maybe you say this is a coping mechanism , well in fact I suppose it could be but in fact historically many documents support my thoughts. The Bible is one such document and let me confirm that I believe what it says, I believe it to the core of my humanity. God has created man in His image and if God exists forever why would He make us in His image and let us be any less? Food for thought I guess. I am comfortable with my own demise it is just letting others go that I am most uncomfortable with. So today as I am forced to deal with losing another love of my life and let me say; I will not be afraid for her , I will see her as I imagine myself someday in the presence of God our Father, the Creator of the worlds, learning the mysteries of life ever after !
Over time many of the people I love have died and left me to face the world without them, this has angered me at times and sometimes I have felt relief when I have had to let go because the struggle to live was greater than the quality of the life left to live. The ones that leave sudden and unexpected make for the greatest amount of anger. We never seem prepared or ready to let go, ever. When we watch any one suffer and die the letting go becomes a tiny bit easier. We do not want to watch those we love suffer in any way, so letting go becomes necessary, never easy. The older we get the more accepting we become of the loss, for us it is a matter of order. The older one is when they pass the more acceptable it seems, do we devalue our lives with age or do we grow weary and restless and ready for the move upward? This is a question we must ask and I ask myself often as I want to know the mysteries of life and death. I believe that dieing is a continuation of life not the end! I believe just because we cannot see our loved ones doesn't mean they no longer exist. Maybe you say this is a coping mechanism , well in fact I suppose it could be but in fact historically many documents support my thoughts. The Bible is one such document and let me confirm that I believe what it says, I believe it to the core of my humanity. God has created man in His image and if God exists forever why would He make us in His image and let us be any less? Food for thought I guess. I am comfortable with my own demise it is just letting others go that I am most uncomfortable with. So today as I am forced to deal with losing another love of my life and let me say; I will not be afraid for her , I will see her as I imagine myself someday in the presence of God our Father, the Creator of the worlds, learning the mysteries of life ever after !
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Normal everyday Heroes !
I have lived long enough to know real Heroes have no capes! They come in many forms tall , short , stocky, thin ,male and female. The real life heroes work jobs , marry and raise families. Real heroes die in the end! I love my heroes! God has placed so many in my life I know He thinks I am in special need of them.
My husband has many flaws as have I but he is probably the greatest in my book. He loves me and our children and our extended families. He makes sacrifices everyday to make my life a wonderful place to be and for him I am eternally grateful.
Today my Mother-in-law is dieing and she has always been one of my heroes. She breathes labored as it is, but she holds on so we as her family have ample time to make peace. I love her and hope I have honored her by honoring her son and family. She is my Hero!
My Father-in-law has done everything in his power to care for his wife and he is my hero too! He also takes care of his family like he is still in the prime of his life but in truth he is almost 80. WE all take advantage of his generosity and love, he is what a hero looks and acts like!
My siblings thru marriage are my heroes as well they each are suffering thru these difficult days by being there for each other and for their parents. They are the product of love and kindness and all that is necessary if you want to be someones hero!
My family of origin has been especially uplifting for me as well. My nieces and nephews are the best ....... all of them ( both sides including the ones who married in).
I realize that a humans heart is what makes a man or woman a Super Hero! Love is essential to being a hero and it is stronger than steel. Love can leap over miles and touch those that need it most. Love is the reason we have supernatural powers, not capes or flashy leotards.
If you desire to be a super HERO then love others the way you want to be loved and you to will have supernatural power enough to become the next super Hero !
Family is a great place to start training people to become Heroes! I know my children have already shown the mercy, tenderness and compassion that it takes to be super heroes as well! Love is the secret weapon, I don't know of anything stronger, so exercise your heart and let it make you so strong that you don't need any other type of strength. Do all it takes to make your family one more for the books! I know mine is making history right now!
My husband has many flaws as have I but he is probably the greatest in my book. He loves me and our children and our extended families. He makes sacrifices everyday to make my life a wonderful place to be and for him I am eternally grateful.
Today my Mother-in-law is dieing and she has always been one of my heroes. She breathes labored as it is, but she holds on so we as her family have ample time to make peace. I love her and hope I have honored her by honoring her son and family. She is my Hero!
My Father-in-law has done everything in his power to care for his wife and he is my hero too! He also takes care of his family like he is still in the prime of his life but in truth he is almost 80. WE all take advantage of his generosity and love, he is what a hero looks and acts like!
My siblings thru marriage are my heroes as well they each are suffering thru these difficult days by being there for each other and for their parents. They are the product of love and kindness and all that is necessary if you want to be someones hero!
My family of origin has been especially uplifting for me as well. My nieces and nephews are the best ....... all of them ( both sides including the ones who married in).
I realize that a humans heart is what makes a man or woman a Super Hero! Love is essential to being a hero and it is stronger than steel. Love can leap over miles and touch those that need it most. Love is the reason we have supernatural powers, not capes or flashy leotards.
If you desire to be a super HERO then love others the way you want to be loved and you to will have supernatural power enough to become the next super Hero !
Family is a great place to start training people to become Heroes! I know my children have already shown the mercy, tenderness and compassion that it takes to be super heroes as well! Love is the secret weapon, I don't know of anything stronger, so exercise your heart and let it make you so strong that you don't need any other type of strength. Do all it takes to make your family one more for the books! I know mine is making history right now!
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