Annie

The very first patient I developed a relationship with was on three east in oncology. She was a young woman in her late 30s, early 40s. The day we met I was encouraged by the nurses on the floor to visit her. Annie was all teeth by the time we met, her smile was from ear to ear and her body the size a 12 year old. Annie genuinely loved life and all Gods creatures, she was a kind soul.The nursing staff sent me in as a chaplain, explaining  she had not been receptive to any other chaplains but as her life was closing in on her, they thought the two of us might find a way to make it work. 

When I entered her room she told me she didn't need a chaplain so I asked if I might just talk with her. I told her she was my first patient so I believe my newness made me more approachable, less religious more spiritual and easier to relate too.  I asked her about her illness and she explained she was dying and knew she was running short on time but wishing against all odds for a miracle.  She was adamant she had work that wasn't done and she couldn't leave yet. She knew intellectually that her body was being consumed by cancer but her spirit wasn't accepting leaving as a possibility.  Annie told me she didn't have a religion but believed much like the Native Americans, she embraced all of creation as a gift, one to be honored. She thought all life sacred. This beautiful soul was in the battle of her life and had all the scars to prove it but she smiled like the sun as if she had not a care in this world. She made room in her heart for a green chaplain and I became her official spiritual friend. She asked me to stay with her that very day when her doctor arrived to tell her all was done and the cancer was spreading , not retreating. She was certain they could find one more treatment  to continue her life but the doctors said they had no other options available. She was told to make peace with her circumstances and let's get you in contact with hospice. Annie wasn't having any of it, she wanted more time to love and care for her animals, more time to love and care for her humans. Her will power alone kept her alive for months longer than anyone could imagine possible. The spirit is willing but the body is weak. Annie lived about two months after our first encounter. Annie was in charge of all her health care decisions right up until the day she died but she never lived another day outside a medical facility. Her beautiful soul never allowing anyone to be burdened by her life, she made every decision possible, she asked nothing of others. Annie died as she lived with honor and respect for life, she left this world giving more than anyone thought possible. Annie died in hospice still hoping for one more day and willing to do whatever necessary to bring a smile to whomever entered her life. 

Anger

Anger is my companion tonight, it searches me out and finds me alone and then takes up residence in my heart of all places.  There are days when injustice burns deep within and today is that day. I am angry at people I love and people I hate. It has been a long time since I used the term hate in context to those around me but tonight it came looking for me and I am entertaining it! I am angry, it burns deep in my soul and I don't care to be told I am wrong. People are wrong, people judge others with no regard for anyone but themselves..... Compassion lost, love lost, hope lost, we are living in a lost world, desperate for things, desperate to be right, just plain desperate! I am tired of the pretense, I am tired of the lies, I am tired of the death. I want to be free from all this pain. Anger has found a dwelling place and I'm afraid it may never leave. There is no relief for those without eyes to see, there is no relief for those without hearts to feel, there is no hope for those who will not hear, we are a lost and dying people because we would rather kill each other than change our hearts toward mankind!

My Journey

Trouble comes in many forms, mine came as cancer. I was busy minding my own life when a day of cleaning and nesting was disrupted by blood on the front of my shirt. I stopped everything to begin the maddness called breast cancer. I did not really think it was a possibility, my mind had settled on the fact that my family dies from heart disease and in truth a sudden heart attack seems like a nice quick departure, one you don't have to meditate on but just accept and move on to your new address like my father did 29 years ago. This whole cancer thing is a bit much, so many appointments and so many chances of reoccurrence. I am living my life as best as I can with no real worries about what the furture holds until women I know are being overtaken by the disease. My heart skips a beat every time I read of the loss.
I think the hardest part is what this disease requires from you and your loved ones. It eats away at you and robs you of so much time and it takes you piece by piece till you no longer recognize the person in the mirror. More than anything it changes how others see you.
Strength is required when managing  an illness this relentless. Courage is required when navigating the choices you must make but most of all patience is needed to help those around you find their way through this change life has thrown at you. My biggest fear is that I might become a burden to the very ones I love the most.....that is the scariest prospect of all to me. Every time you look into the face of those around you there is concern in their eyes. Love is the greatest of all the gifts we give others and love burdens us with responsibilities we often feel overwhelmed by but cannot escape. I never want to be a burden, I want to live fully till I die, I want to be free.

My journey

The sexual awkwardness that follows breast cancer can be devastating. I being a 55 year old woman am certain that my body image is great compared to most, but even so, I am deeply affected by the clumsiness that comes with sex after mastectomy. Breasts are such a comfortable part of sex, they are a dominate force in driving your sexual desire and they are the center of attention for foreplay. With their loss suddenly part of you becomes mute and unable to speak, unable to feel, unable to draw wanted attention. Now between you and the one you love is an empty space, a space neither of you can seem to bridge, his hands reaching then retreating. Because I chose not to get reconstruction there are scars left in the place my soft mounds of flesh use to reside and in the heart of my husband some resentment he may not even be aware of. We all make choices we think in our best interest and those choices affect everyone we love. Cancer was not my choice but rest assured I made an educated choice about how to deal with it and I know I made the best choice I could for me. I wish none of this had happened because the ripple effects seem to linger so much longer than one expects. No one can prepare you for all that follows a diagnosis like cancer, no one can prepare you for all the ways it will affect your life, no one can prepare you for all the losses that accompany having to remove body parts to have a chance to live. Life is such a journey of losses and gains it is our job to find all that is beautiful in this experience. For me the hardest part of the sexual dysfunction isn't how I feel but knowing someone who loves me finds it awkward to put his hands on my body, the person I love and share my bed with finds my body no longer sexually attractive. I am okay but he is not, cancer has robbed him just as much as it has robbed me and no one is talking to him about his losses. No one is asking him how it feels to run your hands over your wife's body and the fear that comes with missing the comfort of knowing where to place your hands. Without question we shall overcome our awkwardness just as we did when we were young lovers but until then we shall remain ever vigilant in our pursuit of each other and the joy that having a life mate to navigate through the world with. It was just yesterday we began our journey together and 35 years have come and gone, I think we shall weather this storm just fine. Life is full of uncertainty but I am certain love can fill the gap between my love and me!

My Jouney

The journey I am on is one that finds me looking upward, I look to the heavens for my hope, my peace and my strength. Life is so complicated, our entrance is marked with pain for the one who has carried us, others rejoice at our birth but only one knows the pain of our delivery. Pain and hardship are at the vein of our existence. We who spend a life time trying to deny that to be born means one must also die. We the human race who search out reasons to divide ourselves into little groups and deny our resemblance to our creator. Who are we that God is mindful of us, who are we to think we deserve anything? Who are we to place ourselves above any other? Who are we in the grand scheme of things?

Without love we are nothing! God is love and if we are made in His image then we too must be love. Love stands tall and sure in the midst of suffering. Love prevails over death and pain and lives eternal. Loves owes no debt. The power of love overcomes all the darkness in this world. Love overcomes fear and doubt. Love gives us courage to be free and to let go. Love is the great equalizer. Love gives us the strength to stand tall in the face of danger and pull the lost from certain destruction.  Love is our source and our strength. Love is power, power that is eternal, power that can cross time and space in a nano second, love that can reach down from the heavens and transform the heart of man. I shall look upward toward the heavens from which my strength comes and I shall not be afraid of all that life is and is not. I shall walk out my journey with the certainty of Gods love for me!

My Journey

This is the day that the Lord has made and I shall rejoice and be glad in it! On a beautiful October day my journey with breast cancer began with blood weeping from my breast. At the onset I knew there was something my body was trying to teach me. I think my breast wept for all my heartbreak, life it seems had a plan that I was not privy too. As a wife and mother I thought I must make everything perfect for those I loved, the weight of that expectation was crushing. I felt in so many ways I had failed my husband and children and had not given them what they needed to be happy themselves. Little did I know they had a destiny that did not include me, they had a calling on their lives just as important as all my ideas about them, so I had to let go and this is where my body began to mourn as I let go they became free and so did I. I have mourned many losses in my life but none like the letting go of what seemed to be my only true purpose, being their mother. I have never identified with anything so strongly as being John, Chase and Abigales mom. I never wanted anything more in life than to be a mom, it was always my highest calling so letting go and really trusting them and God with them was and is my greatest challenge yet in life. Today it seems cancer has been the catalyst God has used to open my hands and soften my grip so they can find their place in this world without me. I am walking out my destiny without holding on to them for security. I am finding out who I am without them and I think I like her. I see the world differently because cancer has stopped me from the madness of trying to make everything perfect and allowed me to embrace the beauty of imperfection. The imperfection of my missing breasts reminds me of the importance of letting go of things that may look beautiful but have the power to kill you if you hang on too long. I am renewed because I am letting go and trusting my higher power to lead me where I need to be. I am trusting where I am is where I am suppose to be and my identity comes from within not without. I am seeing people and the world as a beautiful place where tragic things happen that have the ability to bring about more beauty than the losses experienced. What cancer has taken cannot compare to all it has left me with, affirmation and love have filled me so full I must give it to others. I am more than I could ever hope to be because I have been graced with a sickness that may someday require my life but in truth the wake it has left in its path has opened my eyes to live a more beautiful life, so it is I who has gained, it is I who has thrived, it is I who win this battle because I have made cancer my teacher and I have become it student!