My truest FRIEND !

Faith is a huge part of who I am. I cannot dismiss this any more than I could the color of my eyes (green). I have grown up with a strong convicton about God . I believe, this is the very foundation of my strength. I question Him all the time just as our children do us while they are young and finding their way in this world for the first time. God seems to be amused by our questions and I believe He enjoys our minds and the way we constantly look for answers in black and white. My relationship with God has grown as I have and for now at least it seems to be at a good place. I find I talk to God much like I would a friend sitting next to me. I have changed the way I relate to Him over the years. As a young woman I called on Him in a very formal way but as I have grown I see Him more as my friend. I can truly say I love God and would find it hard to navigate this world without Him. I can say without a doubt that I would be a mental case unable to do much of anything were it not for the companionship we share. In many other cultures I suppose people would see this as blasphemy but scripture tells us in all His closest biblical relationships God called His creation friend. Today I declare I want nothing more than to be considered a friend to God and God to me! Just as my children have grown up and consider me a friend as well as their mother, I want to give something back to God and my love and friendship are really all I can offer Him. I can never hope to tell God anything He doesn't already know but as I share my life, love is transferred in the intimate details and I really believe this is all God wants, someone to love! So in the circle of life God and man are not so different , we only want someone to love and someone to love us! Friendship what a gift !

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

My life is not like most or maybe it is! I suffer from seizures and migraines. Some days my life is not my own because my illness takes over and I am subject to where ever it takes me. Today I woke with a headache that is so bad I am fighting off a panic attack. I went back to bed after taking some ibuprofen and proceeded to have a mini panic attack, so I got up to get my mind off the pain behind my right eye and find myself here writing. Writing is my outlet and makes me feel less alone! Really if we all are truthful alone is how we spend the majority of our lives especially if we are ill. My illness only owns me when I am forced to rest as a result of it. Rest can feel like prison when there are things you want to do. Illness can be debilitating when people treat you like you're different. Some times people think you are a slacker and use your health as an excuse to not participate in things that need to be done. I once called my Dr to say I would not be able to make the appointment because I was too ill and the nurse almost laughed in my face. People who do not know this kind of disabling pain and loss of function do not comprehend what it is like to need rest . My body will throw me into days of auras or full blown seizures and weakness that is beyond tired, the tired I speak of will make it impossible to read or watch TV. I express this today because there are those out there who know just what I am talking about and I write this for those out there who think people like me are weak and don't care enough. I want you to know I am strong , everyday I work twice as hard as you just to maintain myself and on those bad days I use every thing in me and the help of God to get on my feet and do what I can do! I am not lazy , I am not weak but I am strong and I have courage not to let this overwhelming illness consume me. Nor will I let it rob me of my joy in life or my relationships. I will never take one day for granted I will celebrate my good days and push myself on my bad ones but I will live like no one else because I look sickness in the face more often than most and I come out on the other side a better woman. Sickness has been my foe as long as I can remember but today I will be it's master and pick myself up and put one foot in front of the other and take care of my life and the lives of those I love. I am going to do all I can to live till I die and fear will not be a guest I entertain for even a second. This body has it's flaws but my spirit is bigger than my flesh and so I will soar even on my sofa or in my bed , I will not be held captive for long because my body and my spirit may inhabit the same place but they are not on the same playing field! The spirit of man has a greater destiny than the flesh. My spirit is eternal and so is my will.

Anger

I have anger in the depths of my soul . I tell you I have no idea where it comes from but it is there ! It wants me to grab hold and give what is not mine to give and to take what is not mine to take ! I am angry when I think how many kind, loving people in this world suffer while the most evil of all tend to walk freely with no ills. I am angry and I know some will want to fix me and say you shouldn't feel this way or say it out loud ! Well too bad I am just an immature person who can't seem to get past certain inequities in this world ! I want the good to be here longer to influence this place of sadness. I know all the things that make living wonderful but right here, right now in this moment I am mad as hell. Mad that people hurt others and don't seem to care. People disregard others and don't seem to care. People have accidents and carry the injuries with them always. People contract illnesses that they deal with for the rest of their lives. Life isn't fair. I am an woman who looks for the good in everyone and I usually am not disappointed but today I am angry ! I feel an anger that makes me want to run far from everyone far enough to live in a peaceful quiet that lends itself to inner healing. I suppose I am experiencing all the anger I have ever repressed in my life and it wants to explode out of me like projectile vomit. I am in need of a heart and soul cleansing. I am in need of a deep work , that only the Holy Spirit of God can do. I am a woman who can never be all I had hoped to be and this makes me angry. I know if I could be all that I want to be I would understand the workings of God and my anger would be gone but here am I this person who will find a way to work with what I have and that will be enough. Anger is as much a part of life as any other emotion so here I go on with my life letting this anger find expression on this page till the next explosion. This anger is as much a part of me as the joy I feel as well . Emotions will not rule me but they will be the thermometer that lets me know something is not right. If you feel anger you are human and do not let anyone tell you that you need to stifle it. Anger has its place in our lives. Anger can motivate us as well or better than any other emotion we have to change. I will change after I give full expression to this darkness that I have been hiding !

Easter

May we always feel the love of God at this holy celebration of the death and resurection of our Saviour . The truest form of love is when a man lays down his life for a friend but our Lord layed His down for everyone not some but everyone! Think for one moment what our heavenly Father was experiencing when He sent His only Son to die for people who mock Him . I have 2 sons and 1 daughter and I can say for sure I do not know a soul I would send them to die for. Selfish I know but true none the less. Our children who serve in the armed forces make the choice to lay down their own lives for others, as parents we are proud but we wouldn't make that choice, they have to. I would die in my childs place and so would their father but neither of us could let them die for us. I tell you this because I want the reality to hit you as it has me. Our God gave His greatest joy in life so as to gain more sons and daughters ! What a good God we serve. I will not pretend to understand the heart or mind of God but I know He loves us ! I know He showed us in the only way most people would understand. So in reture love a little deeper and share a smile and kindness with someone, so they may see the reflection of Christ our Saviour in you ! He is risen and He lives in me ! Happy Easter !

I Believe

We all have our daily concerns....... health , money, family, aging, etc. I am certain we should laugh about it more than we do. We get a ticket in and out, our hour glass of time continues to drain each grain of sand one by one. I will not get caught up watching the sand but I pray when the last grain falls , I will fall where ever I am not home sitting around waiting for life to happen but out experiencing it. I do not want to waste one ounce of my energy worrying about the cares of life. We are all going to die, so this is a certain, I must learn to live in spite of the constant threat of death. I must walk with intention to the places that lift my heart. I must find the silver lining in my storm cloud. The storms are here and more will come but they only make the sun filled days all the more beautiful. I see the world the way I choose and I want to walk out to meet the rainbow. I do not want to hide in my home for fear of rain. I want to feel each and every drop as it softens the earth my prayer is it softens me as well. I want to be the shoulder that comforts those who cry out their own rain storm. I want so much to be alive, I want to feel the heat and the cold, I want them to speak about life to me. I want everything this earth has to give to help me arrive at my destination with joy unspeakable. I want an abundant life that makes this world look beautiful because I was here and gave. I want the darkness to be overshadowed by the light .I want life to piece the darkness of my soul so I can behold the face of the creator and say I believed. You made me see the beauty in the midst of the darkness and therefore I believe.I believe in the beauty of this earth and your creation. I believe humanity is your greatest accomplishment so I will always look for the beauty in every face. I will trust in your glory and how you are able to make beauty out of ashes ! I BELIEVE !

Giants among us!

I walk among giants ! I walk every day side by side with people just like me, people facing sorrows that could weigh you down but these giants refuse to give up ! Example , my daughter gets up everyday of her life and fights the battle with her health ! She is such an example of strength and courage to me that I am amazed. I know a girl who has a brain tumor and never knows when to expect the next seizure or worse. I know two young men fighting every day, one to walk , the other just wants to feed himself without assistance. We have forgotten how easy it is to do the things that come naturally to us, truth be told we think this is necessary to a happy life. We act like it is a given. I know men that fight the battle every day with addictions, these men have lost everything but they want their lives back and so they do battle. Not once a day but mutiple times every hour. I want us to realize that there are those among us that struggle with mental health issues, such as depression and even worse. In fact I struggle with some of these things but who am I if I give my life over to the disease and the troubles of this world. I have family members with MS and my cousin told his daughter, "remember you have MS , it does not have you." My cousin is no longer with us but his words still encourage his daughter and me ! Today I know your world may look bleak but I am here to say , we all face the same struggles and fears. We are all in the boat together and I am so happy to be in it with you ! Because you are here and you share your fears and doubts I find strength ! Because you love me enough to not act like I am a freak because I am afraid I can face these things and know you too are in it with me ! What I want to say is thank you for all those that love me enough to be a shoulder when I need one or allow me the prividledge to be yours ! We are a messed up bunch but together we can find healing and comfort ! Thank you for loving me and accepting me as I am flaws and all !

BEAUTY

Where does beauty originate ? I often view beautiful men and women on TV or in restaurants and I am often struck by their lack of inner beauty or even lack of satisfaction in life. Seems everyone is trying to be beautiful and all the while neglecting what real beauty is. Real beauty is not a look or a clothing line or a label; Real beauty is an inner confidence that radiates out of an inner respect and self love. Self love is not arrogant or over confident but a peace that passes understanding for the most part. Inner beauty doesn't try to fit in , it stands on it's own! Beauty walks in the confidence of knowing that the inner man is more important than the body. The soul of man is the place beauty shines out from, your beautiful because you are a safe place for others . Your beautiful because you do not make others a joke when they walk away. Your beautiful because everyone is safe in your presence and better yet, everyone feels special in your presence. Love and beauty walk hand in hand , you could say it is a marriage of sorts. Beauty is reflected from the inside out and it will make the unattractive seem irresistible. so walk today in the joy and blessing of your beauty and make someones world a little brighter !