My truest FRIEND !

Faith is a huge part of who I am. I cannot dismiss this any more than I could the color of my eyes (green). I have grown up with a strong convicton about God . I believe, this is the very foundation of my strength. I question Him all the time just as our children do us while they are young and finding their way in this world for the first time. God seems to be amused by our questions and I believe He enjoys our minds and the way we constantly look for answers in black and white. My relationship with God has grown as I have and for now at least it seems to be at a good place. I find I talk to God much like I would a friend sitting next to me. I have changed the way I relate to Him over the years. As a young woman I called on Him in a very formal way but as I have grown I see Him more as my friend. I can truly say I love God and would find it hard to navigate this world without Him. I can say without a doubt that I would be a mental case unable to do much of anything were it not for the companionship we share. In many other cultures I suppose people would see this as blasphemy but scripture tells us in all His closest biblical relationships God called His creation friend. Today I declare I want nothing more than to be considered a friend to God and God to me! Just as my children have grown up and consider me a friend as well as their mother, I want to give something back to God and my love and friendship are really all I can offer Him. I can never hope to tell God anything He doesn't already know but as I share my life, love is transferred in the intimate details and I really believe this is all God wants, someone to love! So in the circle of life God and man are not so different , we only want someone to love and someone to love us! Friendship what a gift !

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

My life is not like most or maybe it is! I suffer from seizures and migraines. Some days my life is not my own because my illness takes over and I am subject to where ever it takes me. Today I woke with a headache that is so bad I am fighting off a panic attack. I went back to bed after taking some ibuprofen and proceeded to have a mini panic attack, so I got up to get my mind off the pain behind my right eye and find myself here writing. Writing is my outlet and makes me feel less alone! Really if we all are truthful alone is how we spend the majority of our lives especially if we are ill. My illness only owns me when I am forced to rest as a result of it. Rest can feel like prison when there are things you want to do. Illness can be debilitating when people treat you like you're different. Some times people think you are a slacker and use your health as an excuse to not participate in things that need to be done. I once called my Dr to say I would not be able to make the appointment because I was too ill and the nurse almost laughed in my face. People who do not know this kind of disabling pain and loss of function do not comprehend what it is like to need rest . My body will throw me into days of auras or full blown seizures and weakness that is beyond tired, the tired I speak of will make it impossible to read or watch TV. I express this today because there are those out there who know just what I am talking about and I write this for those out there who think people like me are weak and don't care enough. I want you to know I am strong , everyday I work twice as hard as you just to maintain myself and on those bad days I use every thing in me and the help of God to get on my feet and do what I can do! I am not lazy , I am not weak but I am strong and I have courage not to let this overwhelming illness consume me. Nor will I let it rob me of my joy in life or my relationships. I will never take one day for granted I will celebrate my good days and push myself on my bad ones but I will live like no one else because I look sickness in the face more often than most and I come out on the other side a better woman. Sickness has been my foe as long as I can remember but today I will be it's master and pick myself up and put one foot in front of the other and take care of my life and the lives of those I love. I am going to do all I can to live till I die and fear will not be a guest I entertain for even a second. This body has it's flaws but my spirit is bigger than my flesh and so I will soar even on my sofa or in my bed , I will not be held captive for long because my body and my spirit may inhabit the same place but they are not on the same playing field! The spirit of man has a greater destiny than the flesh. My spirit is eternal and so is my will.