Depression the storm rages on!

Depression is a very sneaky thing. Each and everyday things happen to us good and bad, we march on not feeling the effects until we wake one day to feel downcast. My soul is in pain today, I carry the pain of my own personal disappoints and sorrow from my failures. I am a good soul most always but at times my struggle is deep and dark and overwhelming. There are days when I could lash out a whipping on each and very person I meet but for the Holy Spirit keeping me. I know this struggle is temporary so I press on even though I am weary.
Depression takes the mind by storm and clouds every thought and deadens the emotions till they all look the same. I am no friend to this state of mind, I have fought this battle more times than I can tell. The good news is I have the courage to fight again. I will move forward and I will not fear this enemy of mine but I will be calm and learn all I can so as not to have to visit this place again. Truth is I do not know why or when this tempest shall come but having weathered this storm before I feel certain I can endure one more. Depression is a foe and I am its enemy for I shall never surrender and I shall never give in. I Shall remain steadfast and I shall overcome with gladness that which has set out to numb me and rob me of all the joy life has given me. Today I will find joy in every little thing because to do otherwise would render me void and useless and I am anything but! I shall overcome the darkness with hope and faith because I have faced bigger storms before and here I am still standing. Today I shall dance in the rain, not in spite of it but because of it and to dance while a storm in me rages on only makes me stronger!

Heavy Heart

My heart is heavy with love........the weight is good because it represents the love I carry for so many. I love the heart of man because it is there we can see who he really is. The heart even when damaged by the wear and tear of life, functions every second of everyday beating out the rhythm of life. The heart is an organ that carries the soul of man as well as keeps him physically alive. Our heart weights more than all the other organs because we carry other people in it. We carry our sorrow and love for each one we know. Strangers can speak a word of kindness and it touches our heart. There are times when we have to guard our hearts because on more disappointment would just break it. The heart is so much more than even the mind of man; if we live from our heart and not our mind our neighbors will become our family. The heart can feel heavy with the joy of love when we meet face to face our newborn baby, the heart feels like it could burst with pride for every accomplishment we see our children master. The heart only stops working when we take the leap from our earthly abodes to our heavenly home.
I love this heart of mine......so far it has only skipped a beat when he kissed me on my front steps and when we said I do! Then with the news that I carried his children it skipped from time to time. My heart loves deeply and it always guides me into the truth of loving unconditionally. I am most fortunate to have a heart that pants after God. My heart can never be too heavy.....even the grief I carry for the sick and dying means it is full of love for those same ones.
The heart of man will make him linger on his death dead just to ease the pain of his loved ones. The heart is the most amazing organ we have as life and death touch it, yet it beats on. The mind will turn a man to drugs and alcohol for relief but the heart will bring a man to his senses and sober him up! The heart is the greatest of all other organs because the spirit of God can take up residence there as well as all those others we will carry there in our life time. So yes my heart is heavy ......heavy with the only things worth taking when I leave this world.....I am taking your love with me, where ever that may be!

Healing in Prayer!

I have decided to pray for the sick. I want my life to have purpose and prayer is my conversation with God. I am going to start today praying here in this open forum for the needs of the people I know and love. I will pray for anyone that needs prayer and I will believe for miracles. The word teaches us to bring everything to God with thanksgiving so I shall start here!
Father God in the name above all names, Jesus, I come before you with a heart full of thankfulness. I am most grateful for your love toward me and all your creation. I am thankful for every law you set into motion and everything you did at the cross to save us from our own failures. You Lord have delivered us from ourselves and our own wickedness, thank you! Lord your word declares that "by your stripes we were healed," so today we come asking for our deliverance from sickness and disease. Free us Lord in your mighty name from the enemy who seeks our destruction. Free us from the bondage's of his army of demons, let us walk out our lives fully vested in your deliverance. Let us be free from the snares of the enemy of our soul! Father your word says that we are mighty to the pulling down of strongholds, so it is here and now that we begin our journey free from all that has ensnared us in the past. We are free from sickness and spiritual bondage's, no matter how long they have been in our families and lives, we are free! It is Christ that has commanded our liberation. It is Christ who has set the captive free, it is Christ our hope of glory! It is Christ that paid for our deliverance on the cross. It is the Son of God who said it is finised. It is the Son of God who nailed our sins to a tree and rose again to show us the abundance of His love. I am changed because He loved me and I shall declare the goodness of God all the days of my life! I am free! You are Free! God has set us free and whom God has set free is free indeed! Thanking God for His love for all of us! We have no authority of our own but we have the authority of God's word to free us from our bondages of sin! We walk in faith and hope and know that it is not we who command it but it is Christ very words that command our freedom!

Finding my voice!

I have been searching for my voice all my life. I have spent many hours and days reflecting on others thoughts while burying mine so deep I lost all contact with myself. Recently I have found my voice again. Many are those who think I should keep my thoughts to myself but no more. I will trust my voice and I will speak it out loud when I choose. My voice was hard to hear growing up because there were so many of us but no longer is that the case. I think and I speak and when I am at my very best I write. My voice is best heard on paper, it is then that I am able to define what I really want to say. Today I write as an exercise for my soul. Do you understand that writing clears all the other voices out of your head and you find your lone voice. I have value and I have grace and mercy and these pages shall reflect those very things. These pages shall also expose my doubts and fears which are growing smaller and smaller every time I uncover something new about myself.  Words give expression to thoughts , ideas and emotions but best of all they give meaning to my voice!
My very favorite voice is the one I use to pray. When I take time and pray I think first of those I want to pray for and I start thinking of all the reasons I am thankful for that person. I thank God first and foremost for the very one I pray for then and only after exhausting my thanksgiving do I make supplication to God on their behalf. Yes my voice is best when it is speaking to God in a prayer of thanksgiving or in a request. I find when I use my voice in prayer I am settled in my spirit by the time I have completed my prayer. My prayer has given voice and started a life long conversation with my Creator whom I would not really know otherwise. Prayer has become my greatest form of communication and given voice to the better part of me, the part that loves others more than I want to be right. My voice has found it way out into the world, has yours?

I believe

Today I find myself wondering what I believe about the Holy Scripture. I personally believe Jesus to be the son of God incarnate. I believe he was born a man so as to bring us back in good standing with our heavenly Father, redeeming what Adam lost. I believe Adam the first human was weak and incapable much like the whole human race of today and every other time period. So God clothed himself in flesh and did for us what our feeble attempts couldn't, live a life that fully and completely honored the Author of creation. Jesus pleased God in every way possible.
Here I am a woman with a heart for God and wanting a relationship with my Creator and everywhere I turn I am told my life isn't holy enough, every scripture a reminder of my complete and utter failure. So in my frustration I search the word for clues and come across my favorite scriptures; when Jesus was asked by the pharisees which was the greatest of all the commandments, Jesus said," Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thy self. On these two hang all the law and prophets," (Matthew 22:36-40). When I read this I make the decision to believe that this truth spoken by the Son of God is all I need. I shall contemplate love and it shall be my sacrifice to God and to my neighbor as all the other laws and scripture muddy the water for me.  I am a simple woman so I must keep my religion simple too. One other scripture that speaks to my heart is in the book of Job chapter 13 verse 15 says, Tho He slay me yet I will trust him; I lean hard on this scripture when things get tough, this comforts me to know I am in Gods hands and I can trust His will for my life. I am a woman of faith and I must work out my own salvation ( Philippians 2:12), so please do not be offended when I do not heed your words of warning, God gave me a mind and a heart to seek Him with and I trust He will guide me into paths of righteousness because He loves me and only wants what is best for me. I also trust Him to lead and guide those I love as well, even you. I am not afraid because perfect love casts out all fear, (1st John 4:18), so please do not fear for me instead love me just as I am and I will make every attempt to love you and offer you acceptance just as you are! I believe that God will never leave us nor forsake us,( Hebrews 13:5), so trust Him as you walk out your own journey. I believe His mercy will endure forever and we can rest in His sacrifice and love, He paid the price once and for all.

I stand before HIS throne!

I stand before His throne with nothing to say in my defense but "Hallelujah". I stand before His throne a sinner in need of grace and mercy. I stand before His throne dirty in my sin and shameful of all I did and thought in my life here in this broken land. I stand before His throne and fall before His feet a broken vessel full of sin and disgrace. I am His broken sinful child dependant on the mercy of His sacrifice, dependant on the shed Blood of my Saviour. Thankful that in all my sin and disgrace He saw something worth of saving. "Hallelujah" is all that will form in my mouth. I have no words to defend my behaviour or my actions. I have nothing at all that could make me worthy of heaven. Nothing but the act of Jesus when He took my place on the cross, erasing my sins forever. I am justified and able to walk on streets of gold with only one thought "hallelujah, my sins forgiven as though they never happened."
I cannot boast of my good works or my sinless life because I am a sinner and my good works they are as filthy rags before Him but in Him I can boast, He made a way where there seemed to be none! I stand before the throne of God as His child full of gratitude for the one who paid my price in full," HALLELUJAH!"

Death part of the Journey!

The journey is long if we are lucky so I am told. I have always thought only the good die young, making death a reward for having been special. I know you may think me crazy and in truth I am to a degree but death itself seems like the starting line for our true ability to live. The life I speak of is one where we are not bound in flesh that decays but we are spirit and soul that is wise and understanding and open to learn everything before us and behind us, no boundaries. Many of us have lost people we love and are suffering that void today and I pray we each understand our loss is their gain. Some may say well heaven depends on what they did while living, to them I say heaven depends on one Man/God alone. He did what He did for his creation. He laid down his perfect life for the one I have never been able to get right. I love this Lord, this holy Man, I love Jesus because He came to teach us a new way to live. He came to teach me to love God above all and my neighbor as myself. His message is still fresh and exciting today after thousands of years. His ways still above our ways. This God/Man came in absolute humility so I might trust He knows me and the error of my ways. I know how to love unconditionally because He first loved me this way. I know how to love my husband and children and my neighbor because He has loved me and given me His example to follow. This journey I am on is beautiful because I serve a God who said, "Father God forgive them (humanity) for they (humanity) know not what they do", this God declared from the cross you and I do not know what we are doing, and offered His forgiveness right then and there.  Because He made the way then and there we need  no one to tell us how to talk to God, no one, that journey is for YOU and HIM alone! Happy Easter friends!

My sin vs. Homosexual sin

I rise with purpose this morning. I rise to point out my sin. Now you may think this a useless task but for me it is a purging of my soul and mind. This exercise helps free the soul of the burden it carries. My sins are many and therefore may make folks just a bit uncomfortable but here goes. In my life I have lied, cheated, bore false witness, lusted for anything you can imagine. I have been a glutton. I have cursed God. I have had sex before marriage and I have cheated during my marriage. I have watched porn and lusted and fantasised about other men. I have cursed myself and others. I have taken what was not mine to take. I have been jealous of others good looks and good fortune and money. I have doubted God's love for me and doubted at times he cares or listens. I have been judgemental of everyone. I have let anger rule my heart. I have been mean and cruel to my family and friends. I have done every low thing you can imagine and you my friend will set next to me and believe I am a good person while judging the openly gay man on your other side.
I have no idea when or how or why gays became the open target of the church but it is time for it to end. Why you ask , well for starts their sin is no greater or less than yours or mine. You do realize the same bible that calls men lying with men an abomination, goes on to compare gossip to witchcraft. God calls something you do in your church and on the street witchcraft but that is some how not the same as an abomination, you do this in secret but no matter it is still witchcraft in the eyes of God? This is really sad because of all the people you have driven out of your churches and even families but it is almost laughable when you think how very judgemental you are about this one sin because you do not happen to partake in it! I pray for the day when people will not be concerned about their neighbors but keep a more watchful eye on themselves. I bet if I had a bird's eye view to your world all things would not be perfect and I might see you practicing witchcraft along with some other unsavory sins.

Homosexuals and marriage

Today many are in a great debate over homosexuals being able to marry. I find this issue hits close to home as my son ,Chase, is  a gay man. The great divide lies in the people who identify themselves from different religious doctrines that say marriage is for a man and woman. I was raised christian and pentecostal to be exact, so my beliefs were very strict and impossible to live by, daily I felt like a failure to God and to the church. Chase was raised in much the same way so I know he struggles in much the same way as I have, he has confessed to praying as a young man and asking God to remove these desires but to no avail, so acceptance of himself was his only choice. I as his mother have spent many days in absolute embarrassment for all the things I might have said in front of my son that would have made him feel diminished in his humanity. I have repented and asked God and Chase to forgive me. I believe today Chase understands how valued, loved and accepted he is in our home.
There are so many young men and women today out in this harsh cruel world who only want to love and be loved. They are asking our government to allow them to marry each other, marriage is a covenant between 2 people, to marry means to take a husband or a wife, legal marriage is the ability to define ones relationship as that of life partners, husband and husband or wife and wife or husband and wife. The bibical definition of marriage is a man and woman and in truth is not at stake, what God has joined together let no man put asunder. The only thing being asked is that EVERY human being be allowed to have "life, liberty and the pursuit  of happiness", which our constitution says is our right. Our religious institutions do not have to engage in these unions but they may not interfere in them either, as our constitution protects us from any religion dominating our religious or personal freedoms! I am sure many shall find my words heresy but I do not care because I serve a God of Love and when God is for me who can be against me and I live in a land that assures each person freedom and equality.
God Bless the good old USA !

Life Lessons

Life has a lesson to teach. The journey for some is much quicker than others. That old saying only the good die young, well those are the folks who learn early the lessons needed to make their journey to the other side. They may not remain in the flesh but the soul is alive and well and free of the bondage of this life. The lessons of the flesh learned and assimilated and they have moved on to the next level of life.
There have been moments in my life when I have felt like I must be stupid. Stupid because I have struggled with so many physical conditions and as my understanding works it tells me these are life lessons.  My personal journey has been riddled with pain and discomfort, seizures and migraines. For the most part I have kept a stiff upper lip and pressed on but not without anger and doubt, fear and depression. I will not stop but I might have to sit and rest a while.
I am learning the difference between my soul and my flesh. My flesh is the weakest part of my being. My soul  is that part of me that makes me dig deeper just as I am about to give up. My soul is what carries me through the storms as they rage and I feel like hiding in the darkness, my flesh wanting nothing more than rest and comfort. I am weak and I am strong, I am hopeful and I am full of despair. I am divided at  all times, my flesh weak and somber , my soul strong and sure. My soul deep from within my being trying to right me and keep me grounded while the weakness of my flesh tries to crush me with fear and doubt. I am a slow learner but I am ever keeping to the task. I want to learn these lessons because I have lived my life with such uncertainty for so long and I just want a calm in this storm for now.

Daughter - Friend

The weight in my chest is heavy because she says it is hard to breath. My love for her cannot be measured because I would give her health and happiness were it possible. She makes me smile with pride when I see her struggle against herself to be more than she is physically able, my heart breaks not once but over and over again, each time I see her fall. Everything in life I ever wanted to be she is and more. I am thankful God chose her and I to share this journey called life. I will forever owe her a debt I will never be able to repay but the good news is she asks little if anything of me. I am in love with this woman I call daughter and friend!I want for her dreams all to come true. I want this illness that she battles to cease and desist! I want her to experience all the joy life can possibly give! I want her to love and be loved!

I am selfish !

I wish I could be free like some folks......who seem happy go lucky all the time,( well at least while others are watching). I am as real as I can be. I am a real person who struggles each and everyday with keeping my head up and keeping my attitude positive. I struggle, my heart aches for the challenges I see others living with daily.  I know it is "crazy" to struggle like I do but living with my head in the sand is not an option. I want that my heart and soul would not feel this ache but that is not an option. Everywhere I turn I see people struggling and it is painful to watch. These people do not want my sympathy, they are just doing what they do, putting one foot in front of the other and living out the life before them but I have to wonder why they were singled out for such hardship.
I  spend many days angry on behalf of others and what seems like injustice to me. I am a rescuer, it is who I am and what I do and so much a part of my make-up I do not know how to change. I know it is wrong to rescue people from the things we must experience to make this life worth living  but I find myself wanting to help. I am working hard at trusting God with the lives of others and with the trials and tribulations he calls them to. God is a good God and I know this but I also know he is a hard God and has no need to explain himself to me. I pray his compassion for his creation causes him to pause and consider we who have no choice in the matter, we are here not of our own doing......we are here at his pleasure. We are here at God's bidding and we are here because we are his creation, made in his image.
I often hope my children will forgive me for bringing them into the world for my pleasure. I had children because I knew they would make my life a better place to be. I knew they would bring me joy and they have. My reasons were selfish and considering the condition of life and the world we live in , I ask them to forgive me. Watching them suffer or struggle in anyway reminds me of how very selfish and self serving I was when I had them with no regard for them and the suffering them may have to endure in this world. Life is hard and people are what makes the journey easier so I am thankful I have my children to share the journey with, I love them with every breath I breathe but that doesn't change the fact they are here because I did not want to be alone. My children bare the burden of my desire to be a Mom. I thank God for the gift they are to me and repent that I put myself before them when I made the decision to conceive them. They give me courage to hope and dream and replace my sadness with joy, so I owe them a debt I can never repay! Blessed to share my journey with John, Chase and Abigale!

What's wrong with anger?

Anger tends to make people uncomfortable, especially the one experiencing it. I find anger makes me off-put or off kilter. I have never thought anger was a good emotion. I have always been told anger makes you weak but I beg to differ. My anger makes me dig deep to find  what is at the root of my frustration. Anger is a warning signal something is amiss. I am becoming friends with this anger,( not by choice but because it is insatiable) it is trying to teach me the lessons I have always wanted to avoid.

Confrontation is a scary deal so I practice avoidance. I avoid people , places, things or situations that make me uncomfortable, when in fact I should have felt the feelings and let them teach me how to confront without having to get angry. I have instead let my frustration build till I had no idea what was causing me to be so angry and then would hurl my garbage out for anyone who would listen. I rant and rave about "all injustices" as opposed to dealing with them one by one as they come along. When a person practices avoidance they become angry and judgmental about everyone and everything around them, which is not a healthy attitude to have.
 I consider myself a very level headed person and so do most people who know me. My truth is not really all that honest because I in fact hide my anger and frustration so people think I am nice. I hide my anger and frustration with my family so as to keep everyone happy, at the expense of my own happiness. So I am more dishonest than most people know but I am trying to change that. I want to be able to let anger guide me to the proper target and then speak my truth in love. I want to speak to people and even to God about things that just don't set right and all the while release this poison that anger becomes when buried down deep inside.
 I am not a child I have a voice and I am going to use it to work out my fears and doubts with whomever, God or man. I am going to move past my fear of rejection and let my anger guide me and teach me to be brave enough to trust that my voice counts! To answer my question anger is a normal healthy emotion that spurs us to saying what needs to be said or asking the hard questions! I am going to feel my anger and then ask what it wants to teach me? Now enough anger for one day!

Judging Others

I am guilty of judging others. Daily I see posts and have to fight a battle within not to say what I am really thinking. I judge everyone! I judge people for the words they speak, the clothes they wear, the people they date, the friends they keep, the religious dogma they espouse, the political ideas and people they support! Yep, that would be me judging you.
I have tried to be less judgemental and truth be told I have been successful to a degree. Before I had a gay child I had much stronger opinions about how and why someone was gay, now I accept that people are who they are. I used to hold some really serious ideas about religion and how to be holy but today I realize with all the heart and strength I can muster I will never be holy. I used to judge harshly those who were unfaithful and then I cheated. I used to judge those who's children were wild and a little too carefree then .......well you get the point. Every time in life I have judged another I have fallen and my judgements were bitter when they were regurgitated by me in my own life. I say all this because even though I am aware that judgement has a way of biting me in the ass , I still do it! Makes me think I am too stupid to learn or I am just human and cannot help the nature of the beast.
I have a heart for so many and mostly I am very kind but this is a struggle I have yet to overcome and I want to overcome it! I hate when I feel others judging me or people I care about. I hate seeing people use their religion to try and condemn others to hell or conformity. I hate when I judge others for doing things I in fact have said or done, but still I catch myself . So today I confess you have probably been in my cross-hairs and I ask you now to forgive me, I am working out my own salvation on sin at a time!

Broken open

Life has a way of breaking us open and spilling us out.  My ego has always been a problem. My ego has always needed me to be smart and have all the answers or funny and the life of the party. Every time I had all the answers my soul was being blocked from touching the soul of another.  Man is a soul who inhabits a body, the flesh just a temporary dwelling place. In today's world you would think the flesh more important than the soul they way we glorify looks. It is today that I declare my soul is me and that is enough. I am in the process of realizing that my flesh will fail me but my soul it will rise from the ashes and live on. Today I will feed my soul and worry less about what I feed my flesh. Today I want to be free from the life I have been living and instead find the beauty in life even when life seems to be working against me and those I love. I am broken open and my flesh bleeds but no more than my heart and soul. I cry out for more and less, I petition God to help me become all I can be from the inside out. I want to be free of the bondage's of the cares of this life and become a loving soul who has ego in check. I want to be pleasing to God and able to love myself. I want my love and gentle heart to be what people see when they meet me. I want to be broken open so my truest essence can be released. I have been broken in so many ways, broken by the cares of life, the death of loved ones and it was the death of the ones I have loved most in life that made me want more from life. So broken open is the new me, broken and spilling out, nothing to hide, free from the confines of my ego and the arrogance of my youth. I am going to be free and broken but in truth never better than I am right here and now!

Hormones from Hell !

I know for a fact the female is cursed, hormones are our curse. The beginning of puberty she faces the ups and downs of the emotional roller coaster of her womanhood and the train never arrives at the station until she is old and used up and possibly very angry! I hate being a woman for this one constant continuum of change. I have no patience for anything or anyone anymore. I am harsh dark shadow of the woman I used to be. I hate me right now more than I have ever in my life. I am so unsettled ...... my mind, my heart , my soul and my body is ugly and fights me every step. My mind is an anger seeking missile looking for a place to launch the words hidden there . My heart no longer has the willingness to feel joy, only pain and sorrow. I am a mess and I am not looking for your sympathy that only makes me more angry that anyone might think that! No I am here lashing out in words so that this hormonal combustion will be set free. I would not wish on my worst enemy what it is I am going through, I have to much compassion even in my current state! I will ride these hormones out and I will be victorious one way or another, I will get relief , be it my demise or old age (completion of menopause).  If I seem unlike myself rest assured it not something you did it is me living with these hormones from hell , someday I shall return with a new and improved version of my former self! Thank you for the chance to spew this destruction somewhere as were I to hold it in I might spontaneously com-bust !

Dreams can teach if we will listen

Last night I dreamed I had 3 babies. Three very tiny weak infants, one girl, 2 boys. These babies were fragile and needed much care. I saw how frail these tiny humans were and I took great precaution to protect them. I took such great measures to keep them from harm that I in fact suffocated them. My concerns were legitimate but I provided such a worried approach  that I brought to them harm and my desire to protect led to their demise.
In reality I believe this has been my problem for a long time now. I have so wanted to keep my children safe from the world and the cares of life, that I have squeezed the breath out of my family. The joy has left replaced by concern, dread and fear. I wake with new purpose this morning, I must set my people free and thereby myself as well. I have been living in fear of sickness (theirs and mine), this fear has encroached on our lives so much that the good days just blend into the bad ones and one cannot be distinguished from the other.
Today I will love each member with open arms and let them be free from my ideas and hopes for their lives. This family of mine is the single most important thing on earth to me but they are not mine, I own no one. They are agents of God, just as I am, so I trust God in them and with them, for in truth I have no other choice, and I will do it with gratitude for the one single day I have at hand. I will let tomorrow be what ever it is and I will live in the here and now. Today I will do whatever is necessary to live with my joy and happiness intact. I will no longer be the one squeezing the life out of my family but I will find the will to become the one that spreads hope and encouragement to each member by setting aside my doubts and fears.
 Some dreams come to teach us, it isn't to late but we must be willing to learn or find the dream can become our reality. My family just happens to be the people I share this journey of life and death with! Let your heart and mind be open to learn whatever it is you need to learn and trust God is teaching all of us each and everyone. We are blessed to share the road with like minded souls!Thanking God for those I share the road with!

Expand your vocabulary your ignorance is showing!

Seems today we no longer have common rules of decency.Our children , mine included, think nothing of the words they use to express themselves. Poor language is just that poor language and seems everyone uses it. Gone are the days when people only used inappropriate language in the privacy of a conversation, today they blast it all over every social media available. The generations of my parents and aunts and uncles would  never be caught dead using that kind of offensive language. Anyone who ever wanted to be thought of in terms of being raised properly would never speak that way, at least not in front of their elders. I remind you , all of you, grandparents read your posts and great aunts and uncles, parents, teachers, see your posts be respectful, you do not live in a bubble. It is a social network and not a private conversation, people who hire and fire read your words. I remember my father telling me as a youth that a man is only as good as his word, I know the meaning was more deep  than what I am speaking of but suppose people only see your words and do not know you personally, then they might think you ignorant and incapable of speech.
I really do not care if you see me as antiquated or behind the times but I know that I want to only say things that I could say in front of my  grand children or grandparents, so with that said, I bid you joy and happiness and think you all need to expand on your vocabulary. We need to let our light influence the dark  instead we have allowed the crudeness of our language swallow up the beautiful prose that can lift a mans heart! Let your heart be reflected in your words and let them be light and beautiful and kind and uplifting to all who see them!

Are Dreams real?

One of my favorite dreams I ever dreamed was of my father. After my Dad passed I wanted to dream of him all the time so that I might feel like we had had a visit. With no dreams of him I felt abandoned and sad. Later I would understand that just as in life so as in death my father would be there when I needed him most!
I have been a person who loved God from early childhood but never quite understood the church and all its dogma and doctrines. After my father's death I was in a quagmire of indecision that really centered around the church. I was making the decision that what I knew deep in my bosom (as my dad would say) was not lining up with all the rules and regulations the organized church was teaching. In my struggle to make a decision about this religious heritage my father had given me I called on God to help me. The dream came later when I was most distraught about leaving the church, it was then that my Dad spoke to me during the dream, telling me these words, " Sister it is not what I taught you growing up but it is about the love of God in your heart for your fellow man." Suddenly it was all so clear to me,the wisdom my father had given was just like it was when he was present on this earth, Dad would be here for me when I really needed him most. The dream was like the man I knew, truth and love without interference.If I had dreamed of him often the impact would not have been the same, it is because he meets my needs still, that I can feel sure of love that endures beyond our physical death.
I believe in dreams and the power they have to speak to us when we need it most! I also believe love transcends death and in truth we all will live beyond our physical loss of life even if it is only in the dreams of those we love!!!

soul cry

My soul cries out from deep within. Long hidden have been those things that make me different. I have become a woman with a role and I forgot the girl I used to be. I have always had an inner desire to explore and by explore I mean all the things nature provides me. As a child I wanted to heal people, I wanted to use the earths trees and plants and heal like the natives did. I wanted to help women birth their children and then help them take care of the babies born to all of them! I wanted to be a movie star because I though myself a pretty good actor. I wanted more than anything to sing but even I knew my voice wasn't good but that never deterred me for making a joyful noise. The things I wanted to do were endless. Wife and Mother were high on my list too as I knew that children were special and always felt my soul deeply connected with babies!
I think a life well lived has so much potential and mine no less than any other but I must confess here and now I have been a coward. I am afraid to be set free to do anything and I am not sure why? I am a confident woman and sure about who I am in the small confines of my world. So if I let my self free of its self imposed restrictions I might find myself uncertain and unsure of all that I though I was. So for now I will be challenging Pam to come out of the small world she has created for herself and play a smaller role in a bigger universe ! As my soul cries for more I will begin to open up to new experiences and opportunities being ever mindful of all that led me to this place in time and space!

I feel like a dog chasing his tail!

 Life is hard at times and it isn't as some would have you believe, good things happen to good people and bad things happen to good people. People are going to believe what they want but I for one will not be gullible any longer. I will see the world and my life with my eyes wide open. In this life I have done my best to be a good person. I have given faithfully to God's work, I have been kind to His creation. I give of my time as well, yet still days come when I am at  standstill ! I am angry that things never seem to be easy. I hate to sound like a spoiled child but I feel ever so slighted.
 There are so many who have fared way worse and so many who have fared much better. I still have trouble freeing my soul of it's anger. This is my truth and I will speak it as long as I have breath. I am tired of struggling to keep my business thriving and my home running. I really thought by this time in my life it would be so much easier, yet it is not! I read of friends and their losses too, so I know I do not struggle alone. Life is a hard journey and I am weary. Everyday I have breath I will live my best but still wonder why the load never gets lighter. I suppose I am never going to have the experiences I had hoped for, so I will settle and accept what  is.
I really feel angry at myself for all the times I compromised when I should have expected more and given more. I feel like a dog chasing his tail, I work hard and get so very little accomplished. I guess I am a slacker who compromised and this is what I deserve. Frustration is an adversary that seems to have the upper hand right now but this too shall pass and I will rise above this moment and time and recover my composure. Today is but one day in a life time and if I get the chance, I am going to change, I plan to set things right in my world at least!

Suffering

If you are a Mother you know what true suffering is. Physical pain cannot compare to the suffering you experience when you watch the children you raised become adults and fall or fail at life. Our children suffer because of choices they make or they have illnesses we cannot cure or habits we cannot take away. Yet we hope we can show them the way and we hope they will listen but in fact we are powerless. The old saying "you can lead horse to water but you cannot make him drink," is true. We can sit with them in doctors offices and take them to meetings, we can buy them every medicine and book known to man but we cannot change another person or heal our own children but we can lead by example! We can find our healing and walk out our absolute faith before them. Once there was a time when I thought my rebellion was because of my parents but in fact it was part of life called growing up and finding my own way. I blamed my parents for every crazy thing I did , truly believing what I was doing was against them and their rules but instead it was me being me. Those experiences and poor choices helped me become the woman I am and I take peace in that knowledge, hoping that what became of me will be the fate of my own offspring.
Personal suffering is hard in any form but watching those you have carried in your womb or in your heart is worse. My heart is theirs to break but the good news is I am strong and able because I have the vision to know this too shall pass. Someday they too will understand that trusting God is the only way to find themselves. So today I choose to pray instead of worry and I choose to love them even when they are making decisions I do not like. Today I will take peace in knowing if I eventually found my way .....then so will they!

One year ago

One year ago I was ill very ill. My body and mind were weary from everything, my head was in constant pain and my body was no longer under my control as it began to move and jump without my consent. One year ago I spent most all my time in a dark room with sunglasses on to protect my eyes from the light. Everything seemed so sharp that it brought instant pain and great discomfort to my eyes. My body would jolt as I lay down to sleep or whenever I tried to relax. I have never been at such a loss of control over my own physical body; I was a waste land. I could not think or reason but I knew enough to try to get help. I have a seizure disorder so I know what being out of control feels like and how much fear it can invoke but this was worse by comparison because the threat was constant, relentless. To make my long story short I ended up in the hospital for 6 days trying to find the cause of my illness. I was diagnosed with migraines but in truth  no one knows just what caused all my symptoms.
The best part of my story is the aftermath, I have started working on trusting God more. Everyday I played God in my life and in the lives of those I love and the weight of it was getting old. I am not God and in fact I need him to fix me. I am at best a good person with selfish motives and desires. I am just an ordinary run of the mill woman who needs God to give me hope and restore my vision. Every time I think I have made headway in this world I find myself failing yet again , so I need God to take me where I cannot go alone. I need God to give me love when I want to hate. I need God to hold my tongue when I want to slander and gossip. I need God to help me put one foot in front of the other when I have lost my will and my way. I need God to restore me because I am so busy judging others I cannot be effective in my testimony of his faithfulness. I need God so desperately and I am not ashamed to say all the scripture quoting in the world cannot heal me only relationship with a loving and just and forgiving God can. The illness that held me captive just one year ago can not compare to the illness of not having a relationship with my heavenly Father  could do to me. One year ago I became more aware than ever I need my Lord more than anyone or anything this world has to offer! One year ago I learned to live in the moment and that will be enough for me! One year ago I was a different woman!