2012

2012 has been a friend and an enemy. This year has seen me at my worst and my best. I feel sorrow like I am saying goodbye to an old friend and relief. The worst in life brings out the best in me, I know it is like the yin and yang, one balances out the other. I have spent so much of my life trying to have new starts that I lost the moment I was in. So I will say goodbye to my old friend but I will never forget all that it taught me; I learned that sickness does pass for some. I learned that loved ones shall pass, as each of us has an appointment with death, God ordained our days so who are we to question the timing? I have learned to trust my gut. I have learned I really owe no man, woman or child any thing but my love. I have learned we all make mistakes and the only people who don't are the ones who need the most help because they are blind and believe themselves perfect. I learned this year that money is never going to be something I have a lot of and I am okay with that! I learned beauty is fleeting and what makes true beauty begins in the heart. I learned no one on earth can make you happy, my happiness is my responsibility. I learned not to give to much of myself away, only what I can afford to give without leaving myself depleted. I found this year to have so much for me to experience and learn that I am sure I will be repeating some lessons again. I find myself thankful for the year and all the people I met. I am thankful to live in this day and age, I am thankful for all the technology and everything it holds. I am not sure of the future but the past is ever clear to me and it has been a part of me and I am grateful to share in the memories created by me and others. I find as this year comes to an end I have decided to take much of it with me into my future and leave some of it behind as a distant memory that needs to end. Here now in this moment I am eternally grateful to have lived out one more year and I am feeling very happy for the year ahead. So be blessed my friends and embrace all that each day, each hour, each week and month and year has, because in the end it is what makes up your life! Happy New Year!

Acceptance

How do I accept what I do not like? How do I stop my obsessive and compulsive thinking? How do I change patterns of behaviour that have become a way of life? These are some answers I need. I am a person who likes order and change really scares me. I like everything to be predictable but find my life never seems to be the same. Change haunts me! I am afraid of change. I am afraid of too many things to mention and sometimes find myself paralyzed by that fear. Then I grow angry because I want peace and it is illusive as well.
Life is never going to be predicable. People leave home , people die without reason and people grow in many different ways. I am changing as well and the change in me has been slow but steady. I think the changes in me have been for the better but I must confess they have been painful! Me admitting to myself that how I do things is flawed is harsh. I have always tried to do what was right and it is hard to come to the realization that I have been wrong. I am a work in progress on a constant continuum of change. So now comes the part where I must make peace with all things out of my control......acceptance!

Courage to change

Do I have the courage to change? I am not sure of the answer. I have lived this way so long it is all I know. I am going through a time of change and I am most always struggling to be at peace. Today anger seems to be the strongest emotion I have, if you ask me why I feel so much anger I can't really say for sure. Anger lies just below the surface of my mind and can explode into my heart at any given moment. So I need to find the courage to uncover whatever it is that lies there in the dark recesses of my mind and release it once and for all.
I think for the most part I am what normal looks like but often for unknown reasons I am a simmering pot of emotions. These emotions find their way out due to the slightest stirring. Let me be clear, I get angry over small things but am a rock in the biggest situations, the ones that should knock me down find me sure and steady. So somewhere in my mind this imbalance is hiding and I want to be free from the uncertainty. I want to be at peace in any and every situation, so therefore change is at hand.
Change means living in the present and accepting what my life is. Change means working out my life, not the lives of others! My power is over me and my emotions , no one else. Change for me means I do not have to have all the answers. Change means loving others and accepting them as they are, without trying to change or fix them! Change means letting go of being the perfect wife, mother, sister, daughter and becoming my own best friend. My change needs to be about me here and now! I am learning to be who God created me to be, so I am letting go of all else that impedes me from finding my peace and working out my own salvation. I am changing into the woman I want to be, the one I was created to be and I know this much, change takes time and  I think I am worth the effort!

Psalm 107:20

"He sent His word and healed them, and delivered them from their destruction."

I am a changed person because of the word of God.  On my own I am much less loving and caring. Truth is I am transformed by the words of scripture because I want to be more than my mind would ever let me be and more than my heart knew I could be. In and of my own will I want to be selfish and self centered but when I read the word I want to be more loving and compassionate. I am trusting the word when it says God is love and those who follow Him will be known by their love for one another. I am trusting God, His son Jesus and His Holy Spirit above all others!

There is a line between what I have been taught about scripture and what in truth the word is teaching. My attitude in the past and those of most religious people are very destructive but God wants to free me from that way of thinking and living! God came so that you and I might have an abundant life , full of hope and faith but most of all love. As I have walked out my faith in the past it looked more like doubt because I lived by the traditions of man and not the fully incarnate Son of God, no greater love have any than a man lay down his life for another. This message is clear He came for us when we didn't even know we needed to be saved. So today let me make it clear my love and devotion are to my Lord alone but know that because He loved me first I am able to love others! The word became flesh and dwelt among us and his name is Christ Jesus..........I am celebrating our Lord this holiday season whom do you celebrate?

Moving On

I want to write to capture every moment of my life. I want to write about the things that will keep a family history for all those I love and I want to capture the lessons I have learned but to do so may expose just how ordinary my life is, some may say boring but I will take the chance and leave my life exposed in this blog.
I am currently on a journey of soul searching. I have lived the same way so long that I know I need to change for fear that I have become insane. The things I have done in the past no longer work. I want to be a better new improved version of myself, so therefore I will share some of the ways I am changing. I have responded to each and every person in the same way for so long that I am compelled to do things differently. I am going to a group therapy of sorts so as to find my way in this world. I am no longer content with the status quo.
 This week Brad and I visited our son Chase in NYC, Abby our daughter came along as well. When we left the city to return home we brought our son's car home. At about 1 hour into the trip the car threw the timing belt at about 70 mph, leaving the engine no good. In the past this would have given me every reason to blow my own gasket. In the past I would have complained how this should have never happened and I would have placed all the blame on my husband. I have been making a real concerted effort to accept these things and not react in such a angry unreasonable way. So we stopped and called AAA . They towed the car off the Jersey turnpike to Bordentown and we followed. Along the way we discussed what to do and we decided to give the car to the tow company. We decided not to struggle with repairing it or towing it any further, this was not an easy choice, as our business is repairing cars. For the first time in my life I did not feel like I had to have the answers or the need to place the blame on anyone else, I accepted that things happen.  When we pulled away from that car it was as if my soul was somehow lightened. I did not have to carry the baggage of that car with me or figure how to get it home and that was symbolic of so much more than just that situation. It was symbolic of me letting go the need to control life! I do not have to have all the answers or fix every problem I am faced with , sometimes I just have to let go and walk away. I am thankful for a cute little car that served our family well over the years but time came and I had to move on without it. Today I am moving on in many areas and it feels good. I refuse to burdened down with anything that feels heavy and unhealthy. I am being set free and liberated from all the ideas that have held me down. I am cutting loose from the baggage that needs to be removed from my life and that cute little BMW was just the first of many things I will be setting free! Freedom is just a step away and I am taking it right now!