My Journey

This is the day that the Lord has made and I shall rejoice and be glad in it! On a beautiful October day my journey with breast cancer began with blood weeping from my breast. At the onset I knew there was something my body was trying to teach me. I think my breast wept for all my heartbreak, life it seems had a plan that I was not privy too. As a wife and mother I thought I must make everything perfect for those I loved, the weight of that expectation was crushing. I felt in so many ways I had failed my husband and children and had not given them what they needed to be happy themselves. Little did I know they had a destiny that did not include me, they had a calling on their lives just as important as all my ideas about them, so I had to let go and this is where my body began to mourn as I let go they became free and so did I. I have mourned many losses in my life but none like the letting go of what seemed to be my only true purpose, being their mother. I have never identified with anything so strongly as being John, Chase and Abigales mom. I never wanted anything more in life than to be a mom, it was always my highest calling so letting go and really trusting them and God with them was and is my greatest challenge yet in life. Today it seems cancer has been the catalyst God has used to open my hands and soften my grip so they can find their place in this world without me. I am walking out my destiny without holding on to them for security. I am finding out who I am without them and I think I like her. I see the world differently because cancer has stopped me from the madness of trying to make everything perfect and allowed me to embrace the beauty of imperfection. The imperfection of my missing breasts reminds me of the importance of letting go of things that may look beautiful but have the power to kill you if you hang on too long. I am renewed because I am letting go and trusting my higher power to lead me where I need to be. I am trusting where I am is where I am suppose to be and my identity comes from within not without. I am seeing people and the world as a beautiful place where tragic things happen that have the ability to bring about more beauty than the losses experienced. What cancer has taken cannot compare to all it has left me with, affirmation and love have filled me so full I must give it to others. I am more than I could ever hope to be because I have been graced with a sickness that may someday require my life but in truth the wake it has left in its path has opened my eyes to live a more beautiful life, so it is I who has gained, it is I who has thrived, it is I who win this battle because I have made cancer my teacher and I have become it student!