2012

2012 has been a friend and an enemy. This year has seen me at my worst and my best. I feel sorrow like I am saying goodbye to an old friend and relief. The worst in life brings out the best in me, I know it is like the yin and yang, one balances out the other. I have spent so much of my life trying to have new starts that I lost the moment I was in. So I will say goodbye to my old friend but I will never forget all that it taught me; I learned that sickness does pass for some. I learned that loved ones shall pass, as each of us has an appointment with death, God ordained our days so who are we to question the timing? I have learned to trust my gut. I have learned I really owe no man, woman or child any thing but my love. I have learned we all make mistakes and the only people who don't are the ones who need the most help because they are blind and believe themselves perfect. I learned this year that money is never going to be something I have a lot of and I am okay with that! I learned beauty is fleeting and what makes true beauty begins in the heart. I learned no one on earth can make you happy, my happiness is my responsibility. I learned not to give to much of myself away, only what I can afford to give without leaving myself depleted. I found this year to have so much for me to experience and learn that I am sure I will be repeating some lessons again. I find myself thankful for the year and all the people I met. I am thankful to live in this day and age, I am thankful for all the technology and everything it holds. I am not sure of the future but the past is ever clear to me and it has been a part of me and I am grateful to share in the memories created by me and others. I find as this year comes to an end I have decided to take much of it with me into my future and leave some of it behind as a distant memory that needs to end. Here now in this moment I am eternally grateful to have lived out one more year and I am feeling very happy for the year ahead. So be blessed my friends and embrace all that each day, each hour, each week and month and year has, because in the end it is what makes up your life! Happy New Year!

Acceptance

How do I accept what I do not like? How do I stop my obsessive and compulsive thinking? How do I change patterns of behaviour that have become a way of life? These are some answers I need. I am a person who likes order and change really scares me. I like everything to be predictable but find my life never seems to be the same. Change haunts me! I am afraid of change. I am afraid of too many things to mention and sometimes find myself paralyzed by that fear. Then I grow angry because I want peace and it is illusive as well.
Life is never going to be predicable. People leave home , people die without reason and people grow in many different ways. I am changing as well and the change in me has been slow but steady. I think the changes in me have been for the better but I must confess they have been painful! Me admitting to myself that how I do things is flawed is harsh. I have always tried to do what was right and it is hard to come to the realization that I have been wrong. I am a work in progress on a constant continuum of change. So now comes the part where I must make peace with all things out of my control......acceptance!

Courage to change

Do I have the courage to change? I am not sure of the answer. I have lived this way so long it is all I know. I am going through a time of change and I am most always struggling to be at peace. Today anger seems to be the strongest emotion I have, if you ask me why I feel so much anger I can't really say for sure. Anger lies just below the surface of my mind and can explode into my heart at any given moment. So I need to find the courage to uncover whatever it is that lies there in the dark recesses of my mind and release it once and for all.
I think for the most part I am what normal looks like but often for unknown reasons I am a simmering pot of emotions. These emotions find their way out due to the slightest stirring. Let me be clear, I get angry over small things but am a rock in the biggest situations, the ones that should knock me down find me sure and steady. So somewhere in my mind this imbalance is hiding and I want to be free from the uncertainty. I want to be at peace in any and every situation, so therefore change is at hand.
Change means living in the present and accepting what my life is. Change means working out my life, not the lives of others! My power is over me and my emotions , no one else. Change for me means I do not have to have all the answers. Change means loving others and accepting them as they are, without trying to change or fix them! Change means letting go of being the perfect wife, mother, sister, daughter and becoming my own best friend. My change needs to be about me here and now! I am learning to be who God created me to be, so I am letting go of all else that impedes me from finding my peace and working out my own salvation. I am changing into the woman I want to be, the one I was created to be and I know this much, change takes time and  I think I am worth the effort!

Psalm 107:20

"He sent His word and healed them, and delivered them from their destruction."

I am a changed person because of the word of God.  On my own I am much less loving and caring. Truth is I am transformed by the words of scripture because I want to be more than my mind would ever let me be and more than my heart knew I could be. In and of my own will I want to be selfish and self centered but when I read the word I want to be more loving and compassionate. I am trusting the word when it says God is love and those who follow Him will be known by their love for one another. I am trusting God, His son Jesus and His Holy Spirit above all others!

There is a line between what I have been taught about scripture and what in truth the word is teaching. My attitude in the past and those of most religious people are very destructive but God wants to free me from that way of thinking and living! God came so that you and I might have an abundant life , full of hope and faith but most of all love. As I have walked out my faith in the past it looked more like doubt because I lived by the traditions of man and not the fully incarnate Son of God, no greater love have any than a man lay down his life for another. This message is clear He came for us when we didn't even know we needed to be saved. So today let me make it clear my love and devotion are to my Lord alone but know that because He loved me first I am able to love others! The word became flesh and dwelt among us and his name is Christ Jesus..........I am celebrating our Lord this holiday season whom do you celebrate?

Moving On

I want to write to capture every moment of my life. I want to write about the things that will keep a family history for all those I love and I want to capture the lessons I have learned but to do so may expose just how ordinary my life is, some may say boring but I will take the chance and leave my life exposed in this blog.
I am currently on a journey of soul searching. I have lived the same way so long that I know I need to change for fear that I have become insane. The things I have done in the past no longer work. I want to be a better new improved version of myself, so therefore I will share some of the ways I am changing. I have responded to each and every person in the same way for so long that I am compelled to do things differently. I am going to a group therapy of sorts so as to find my way in this world. I am no longer content with the status quo.
 This week Brad and I visited our son Chase in NYC, Abby our daughter came along as well. When we left the city to return home we brought our son's car home. At about 1 hour into the trip the car threw the timing belt at about 70 mph, leaving the engine no good. In the past this would have given me every reason to blow my own gasket. In the past I would have complained how this should have never happened and I would have placed all the blame on my husband. I have been making a real concerted effort to accept these things and not react in such a angry unreasonable way. So we stopped and called AAA . They towed the car off the Jersey turnpike to Bordentown and we followed. Along the way we discussed what to do and we decided to give the car to the tow company. We decided not to struggle with repairing it or towing it any further, this was not an easy choice, as our business is repairing cars. For the first time in my life I did not feel like I had to have the answers or the need to place the blame on anyone else, I accepted that things happen.  When we pulled away from that car it was as if my soul was somehow lightened. I did not have to carry the baggage of that car with me or figure how to get it home and that was symbolic of so much more than just that situation. It was symbolic of me letting go the need to control life! I do not have to have all the answers or fix every problem I am faced with , sometimes I just have to let go and walk away. I am thankful for a cute little car that served our family well over the years but time came and I had to move on without it. Today I am moving on in many areas and it feels good. I refuse to burdened down with anything that feels heavy and unhealthy. I am being set free and liberated from all the ideas that have held me down. I am cutting loose from the baggage that needs to be removed from my life and that cute little BMW was just the first of many things I will be setting free! Freedom is just a step away and I am taking it right now!

Finding God is not for everyone

I found God as a 4 year old in a Sunday school class in Delmar Md. I loved him right away. He made me want to be a better person. God gave me an inner desire to love others. His love for me made me feel special. I have loved God all my life.
I do not understand God, his ways and his wisdom are more than my finite mind can comprehend but his mercy I get that! I have been so angry at God that I actually felt hate for him and I have doubted his existence as well. God is not just this father figure I exalt but he is a person with whom I share a very important part of my life. My inner conversations take place with him as my guide, so life without God to me would have no real meaning. I could not get by without the thought that something greater awaits me. Life without hope is what I would have and that just isn't going to happen, I need hope to make it through my darkest moments.
I can remember having a conversation with one of my dearest friends and she said she thought God was just a figment of peoples imagination and I responded ....so what if it is? What if I have lived my life believing in a God that doesn't exist, so what of it?  What if I only die to find my journey ends there, in the grave. Because I have believed I have lived a much better existence than most, I have lived with hope. Suppose I get what you say my imagination has created  ...then I win again. I have spent my life imagining a world where pain and suffering do not exist and love is the driving force in everyone. I have dreamed of a place where my creator tells me how all the suffering in the world had meaning and purpose and teaches me about mankind. I will trade everything I have in this world but give up my faith in a God who some say doesn't exist.......it will never happen! I know that there is a power greater than all of us and I am banking in that hope, that he believes in me too! So if a loving God is not for you then that is okay but know He believes in you regardless of all your doubts!

My Days

Today we rise to new possibilities. There are many who see this day as already spent, fearful of having to get through one more hour. There are some who live for the weekend and disregard this beautiful day as just a step till then. Some will be relieved when they can put this day in the history books and never be forced to remember it again. How can it be some people see each day as shiny  and new and others just look for a way to get through it. Days in and of themselves have nothing good or bad in them it is our perspective and or our circumstance that can affect how we experience each day.
Earlier this year my perspective changed. When 2012 began I was ill. I felt if something didn't give I was going to die and that didn't seem as bad as what I was going through at that time. Here I am later that very same year and my world is opening up for me in ways I never imagined. I am recovered from illness that I thought would never end and my days are mine to enjoy again. When this year started I had no idea what it held but I certainly felt lost at best. I was afraid and that fear was as debilitating as my illness. Somewhere between January and May my recovery in earnest began and I am the better person for all the suffering I experienced. Sickness can be a tool by which we learn to value our good days even more. Being ill sucks and watching others suffer is almost as bad as going through it your self. I am convinced we must learn from every obstacle we face. We may only have a few days left here on this earth so we must not waste one valuable second. We cannot allow sickness or anything else rob us of the moments we have with each other. We must be present at all costs!
I can truly say I missed so much while I was preoccupied with getting better but I also gained much, because I have learned a very valuable lesson about me. I am weak but I am also strong. I never let go even when I was afraid those days would never end, I kept the faith that better days were ahead. There were times when I wanted to give up but something inside me made me hold on. I had to did deep to push past the pain and confusion and most of all my fear. I write these words because I never want to forget that no matter what I am going through "this to shall pass" and life on the other side can be full and robust with possibilities. The moral of  my story days should not be endured but searched for opportunities because even on our very worst day we are able to have a moment that can change the course of our life or that of another! Days are not to be feared but embraced and remembered for all they can teach us!

My Story-birth

When I was born I came home to my Mom, Dad and sister Sharon my brothers Dickie and Ray. We lived in a small home in a neighborhood called Rabbit Knaw.......it had once been named Rabbit Knoll but because of the accent of it's people it soon changed for the former.
I was a very wanted baby girl, my Dad gave my Mom her wedding band and a new Bedroom suit as a gift for my addition to the family. My parents married young and never had the money for a wedding band before. My father wanted more children but my mother wasn't so sure about any more children as the others were now manageable at the ages of 8, 7 and almost 5, Mom had her world pretty well rounded, so my addition would change the dynamic greatly, thus all the gifts from my grateful father.
I do believe the bond for me and my father really began here, it was a mutual admiration society, he wanted me and I loved him!
My sister also wanted a baby so she in fact became my surrogate mother and has been my best life long friend. We shared so much more than most sisters as she really became a second mother to me in more ways than either of us can remember. We have had a life of bonding by choice and circumstance.
My coming home also meant my brother Ray was rooted out of his sleeping arrangement, as he still slept in the crib in my parents room. He loves me but has always viewed me as the usurper, LOL. My bond with my older siblings has always been special! Dickie has always held me near and dear as well, so needless to say I was loved and wanted by all! Truly a great start to any child's life.

Trouble vs Education

My world can hold promise and despair at any given moment. I find myself at this crossroads often, really too often for comfort.A life should never be so conflicted but somehow mine always seems to be. Joy is fleeting as the trials of life seem to bully their way into my face time and time again.
Trouble seems to always have a constant stream of conversation reminding me of how my world is falling apart and I am at its mercy. I have had to learn to turn away from this dialog and start a new conversation with myself reminding myself of how God will see me through this. God seems ready, willing and able to walk with me in my conflict but He doesn't rescue me the way I want Him too. I do always want an instant answer and resolve of my woes but my heavenly Father seems to know what I need. So, I struggle till I surrender to the lesson before me.
I have found in my life surrender is a posture that best suits me. When I am in a state of acceptance I can  learn the lesson being taught much quicker. Life is my teacher and I am her student, I am blessed to have the companionship of the Holy Spirit guiding me but each step is mine and mine alone to take. I will have fear and uncertainty along the way but I will not let them keep me from my destination. I will walk until I can walk no more and when I am able I shall dance and skip and sing my way down this path. Give up? I think not, I am a journyman and my life on earth my time to aquire knowledge and experience love and find truth, so down the road I shall go , for the world is my classroom and I only have a short time to learn.

Family

My words bring comfort to me. Call me egocentric if you must but I read the things I write over and over. I suppose this is me trying to see who I am. I am a woman of simple means and a simple heart wanting to give ease to all that hides within. I have the desire to write something that will help others as I help myself. I am one of the few who will place words on page even when I feel scared of what may come out.
This week found me sitting with my extended family due to our loss of a loved one. I was happy to be reminded of my beginnings and the people from which I came. My family are ordinary and profound all in the same breath. These people whom share my father's DNA are a beautiful lot. They have so much more than meets the eye. If you beheld their material possessions you would not be impressed. If you were to judge them by their degrees you might think us a simple bunch.  If hearts are what you find  beautiful then these people would make you feel at home.
My family of origin has deep roots in our christian heritage and this is where our peace comes from. The gift of faith is the best gift we can hand down to our children. My faith has seen me through many troubles too numerous to mention. My heritage of faith lets me have peace when I must say goodbye for that finale time to a loved one. People make fun of folks like me but I really don't mind, you cannot make fun of something you do not understand. My family is quirky and strange , my family is honorable and sure. Family is our foundation and offers us a place to feel normal and accepted. Family is a great place to belong. My family gives me the courage to be me.
Writing is like my family and the page my home. My words give expression to the things that expose me and those who read my words are somehow related to me through kindred notions and feelings and thought. I am going to spend my days giving expression to all that hides in my mind. My hope is that my mind never feels at a loss or my heart unable to express it's deepest  fears and joys or sorrow. So here I will make family out of strangers who find our likeness are greater than our differences. Here I will capture my life as I see it, here I will find the courage to become all I can within the safety of my "family".

Life has lessons

The road I am taking is long and rough but has moments that are so beautiful it takes your breath away. The nature of my humanity says I only want the beauty of the journey , not the hard stuff. My 52 years of life have taught me that beauty comes out of hardship. I remember the day my Dad died, he was just the age I am now. That day I wondered if my life would ever have another happy moment. Dad was a rock, his faith unshakable and he was our comfort and support, whenever we needed help he would be there. My love, faith and hope have only grown as a result of losing him. I want to carry on his "love" for life and God's creation, so I have grown and become a better person as direct result of that loss. Our minds conceive the world and its events one way when in fact the effects are the opposite  if we will remain teachable and our hearts pliable. So my thought for today is be ever vigilant to learn , life and God and those you love have so much to teach you, if you will take a moment to break away and internalize the lessons.  If we trust God and life enough we can learn or we can resist and repeat each lesson over and over. I have lost my way many times but I am on course for today at least and happy that my life is ever changing. The beauty of children is how well and quickly they adapt and learn......so my mission is to become more childlike in my nature and to follow the path God has laid out for me! My hope is I remain teachable and learn everything I can because life is short and I want to do everything I can while I can!

For today

Sadness prevails in my world this morning. Sadness at all the losses life throws at us. Today my family will lay to rest my fathers last sibling. This year two of my fathers sisters have passed. When I told my children they each remembered Aunt Betty and Aunt Beulah as on Sunday mornings my aunts would come to my mothers house so they could all attend church together. Years after my father passed my mother and his sisters have sat together in church, the one we were all raised in. When I think of this I must smile even tho my heart feels heavy. I think of all that is now lost to me.
Today I have a prayer list for sick people that I love and it keeps growing. The days of our lives are full of sadness and joy, we must take the bad and the good but today the sorrow is pressing in on my soul and I am going to cry it out. I am going to give way to my emotions and let this flood of sorrow wash me clean. I need relief from the days I have spent holding tears in check. I am going to let them flow till my soul feels purged! When they have been set free then I will wash my face and press on to the day that lies before me.  That is only possible if I release the inner strength that comes from letting go.
Today I will thank God for my journey and pray for those who's journey is closing. Today I will ask God to heal all those who are suffering. Today I will press into God for strength and comfort. Today I will live in the here and now and not let my mind wander into the what ifs of tomorrow. Today I will shed my tears and find the courage to smile. My sorrows today only sweeten my tomorrows.

Walking your path

Sometimes in life we find our selves on a road that seems to lead to our destruction. This path has danger written all over it. People tell us there is danger ahead but we are forced to take the path any way. The enemy of our soul feels glee when he watches us walk with trepidation this road before us.
Truth and purpose will walk with us if we allow it. Truth is, all people walk out their struggles and really have no choice if life is what they seek. We are a people with direction and without, we are often lost and then we are found, it is the journey of life and the only factor that changes for each of us is the time which we have to get the job done. Our choice is clear we must live out every moment with out holding our breath, we are compelled to exhale and inhale all that life presents us with.
I am compelled to speak the truth about how I see that which lies before me. I will not pretend I am okay when I am not. I will not pretend that I am so grounded in my faith that I do not doubt. I doubt often that the road I am on is going to get me to where I belong but I will not turn back I will press on and feel fear anyway!
 Doubt and fear are as much about finding our way as faith , hope and certainty are. It is after we battle with our doubts and fears that we grow in belief and our faith grows as a direct result of the battle. The battles and storms of life make the good days all the more spectacular. When we are forced by our fears and doubts to confront them, then they become the catalyst that drives us forward on the road of life. Our choice is stay where we are or keep walking.
 I will walk on and be reminded that all journeys begin with a decision; where I am is not where I belong. The path ahead will lead me to the place where I belong but I must take the first step and as for me I will not let my doubts and fear control me but I will use them as the wind to set my sail by. I will march onward and sing when I am happy and cry when I am sad. I will rest when I am weary but I will never stop moving ever closer to the place where I belong, for in my life no one has every inspired me to be more than I am except for Jesus the Christ and His house is my home, so when you find me at my journey's end that is where I will be!
May your fears and doubts become the driving force behind your journey and not the stumbling block that impedes your progress!

The Journey

Today I find myself challenged to be more, to test my limits. I am a writer and that is my calling, which brings me to my knees with humility. I cannot spell for beans and I have a very  limited area on which I like to write but that will no longer dissuade me from my calling. I have decided to return to college and work on the two things I love to do, write and become a life coach or counselor. I am making this declaration here as I have been feeling this inner prodding for some time. Today I have clarity and being who I am and concentrating on what brings me joy is what I will pursue, not money!
 The path that led me here came in the form of a family crisis. All things work together for our good if only we will let them. Our Lord and our life will lead us where we need to go, we just have to be willing to follow. Today the scales are being removed from my eyes and my vision is being restored. The future is full of so much possibility and I am going to go where I must to make it a beautiful place to be. I am a dreamer always have been and always will be. The trouble I have had for some time now is I have been busy dreaming for others. When I was a little girl I had vision to be all the things possible, a mother, a wife , a doctor, a therapist, a singer living the dream. As of late I have just tried to make sure that others had a world where their dreams would be possible and come true. Friends you cannot dream others dreams. Today instead of trying to do for others what they must do for themselves I must lead by example.
All the fear in the world may come rushing at me but I will no longer be subject to fear, no I will trample under foot all those things that try to stop my progress toward becoming who I was fully created to be.
I had a professor once in one of my religious studies classes tell me I should get formal training as he thought I would be an amazing writer.........well I am taking his advice and jumping off into the deep end!
Today we must challenge ourselves to do the one thing that strikes fear in our hearts ......it may very well be the thing that also brings the most growth to our heart and soul and thereby our world!
 Thanking God for helping me overcome my fears, praying you find your calling too!

Depression

I am writing today about something I have experienced often in life, depression. I am a person who struggles with sadness and anxiety and often despondency. People who do not know me well and even the ones who do are often shocked when I tell them this.  I think depression is a part of the genetic make up of my mom's DNA and thereby transferred to me because she and her family seem to have a lot of trouble with it as well. I write so as to find my way out of the storm. The past few years have been cloudy and sometimes very dark for me. I do have a great life and all the experiences have only deepened my love and ability to empathise but truth is I want a break. Some of the reasons I have experienced depression have been spawned by events such as ER visits, car accidents, illnesses, being a care giver for sick family, surgeries, life in general and death of loved ones. Those are all legit reasons to be depressed but in between I am one of those women who gets the highs and lows of my menstrual cycle to make the events last longer and to spark new episodes when the storm has already calmed. I am tired of not having motivation to do anything exciting or otherwise........I am in a rut. I want the energy and drive to get things done like I used to have. Some days it is all I can do to keep my home clean. I want to paint and do yard work but can't seem to motivate myself! How do you get past fatigue and depression when you are fighting migraines and body aches and all the messy stuff that comes with peri-menopause while living an already full life? I am in a flux but good news is I am not willing to stay here! I am going to open my pool this week and begin a long put off painting project in my house! I write today so my words will spur me to action! I am making a formal declaration here and now before everyone I know ........... Pam is picking up her sorry tired behind and getting on with the beautification of her home and life! I am going to read more as well and do things that feed my soul ! I am going to make a change, so if you see me with paint in my hair or a deep dark savage tan, I'm just getting on with my life, working through all the things that try to keep me down! So onward and upward and I hope you find your happy place today too!

Prayer

I will lift up the name of the Lord with my voice and when that fails with my mind! I will exalt the Lord most high at all times. I fail God so often but in truth he never fails me! I come before you Lord unclean with spots and blemishes everywhere, within and without. I have come before you because I need a holy , pure and righteous propitiation, for my sins are many. I am full of faults and unclean, even on my best day I am blinded by my own sin, unable to see what I most need to change. I am your fallen child, your prodigal daughter. If you waited for me to become holy there would be no hope. I am what I am and everyday I am reminded just how feeble my attempts are at serving you. I am rebellious by my very nature and were it not for your grace and mercy there would be no hope for one such as I. My sin pales in comparison to your perfection and beauty and strengths tho. The light of your love overcomes my darkest moments and reveals to me who I am and makes me aware of who I want to be. I am in awe of your amazing grace, for through you and by you have I been made acceptable in your sight. You alone are beauty and hope, peace and mercy, grace and dignity. You Lord most high give me reason to be hopeful. Your love is my only hope. Your love finds me when I am about to give up and compels me to be more and give more. Your love most high Saviour is what keeps my feet on this earth for I am compelled by that love to dig deeper and forgive when I want to hate. Your love has overcome my anger and hatred and helps me to be someone more than I could ever hope to be.  Lord you alone are worthy of my devotion, for you have made me want to be so much more than flesh and blood! I will incline my ears and eyes and my heart to make this body your home. I will lift my eyes to watch you, I will listen to hear you and I will open my heart to obey you. I am your captive by choice forever grateful that you desire one as unworthy as me to fellowship with. I am and will forever be yours.Amen



Free to be me!

I am here writing my words getting my therapy! I am not like most people I am a loner by nature born into a family of social butterflies. It was strange growing up in the middle of my brothers and sister, add to that the constant rotation of family and my parents friends , while suffice it to say people like me get overwhelmed in that environment easily. The home I grew up in was maddening at times. Few and far between were there moments of quiet and calm. My parents were always entertaining their adult friends and I hated it. I hated always having to be on my best behaviour. Our home was a box with 2 bedrooms 2 adults and 6 kids, today's standards would say inhumane, I say making do! Do not get me wrong by most people's standards I am a social butterfly but in my family I am not.
I married and my identity in that marriage remains the same, social butterfly! Well here is a news flash I am not a very social person, I can be , I know how to be and I take comfort in that but it goes against my nature. By nature I am a reader and explorer and solitary person. All my life people have wanted me to be more like this image of my father and I have tried hard to live like him and be like him but I have to be me! I am the one who set his image as my standard but I can no longer aford to because it is real work and effort, now I must be true to me. I am thankful for the skill set I developed that lets me adapt and fit into any social setting but I want to be in the great out doors or reading books or better yet writing, I want to be free from this prison I have created in my own mind! So Pam is being set free as I write!
I will explore on bike and kayak all the eastern shore has to offer. I am about to turn 52 years old and I feel it is really about time I endeavor to do the things I feel drawn to. I have grown up respecting and loving my family! Brad has his interest and I have mine so the time has come for Pam to be the great explorer she has always had to suppress! I am on my journey now! I love each of you very much but it is my time to find fun in the sun! I am not somebodies wife, mother, or grandmother, I am me ! See you out in the woods or on the water or at the library but when you see me know I am at peace in my own skin doing my own thing!

My abuse of alcohol

Raising a family , is there an end? I no longer have any control over my children and their day to day lives but I do have concerns about them so how do I share those thoughts and remain neutral? This is a hard one and I find I want to shout this from the roof. Today finds me knee deep in concern about the amount of alcohol my adult kids and their father consume. They know drinking is a big problem for our family. Our family, both sides included has a history of abusing alcohol. I avoid drinking because in the past if I have ever been drinking it was for one purpose alone, to get drunk! Drinking put me in many situations that were it not for the grace of God I would be dead or worse yet responsible for the death of someone else. Truth in fact alcohol has very dangerous effects on me, as a young woman I had alcohol poisoning due to the quantity of alcohol and the the time frame in which I consumed it, I thought I was going to die and really didn't care if I did.
I talked with my Dad about drinking because I never saw him drink in my teens or later years , when I asked him about it he was honest. My father told me drinking always brought about destruction for him, he said,"sister I don't drink because when I drink the first one I am not satisfied till I am drunk beyond reason."My Dad was a great man but he understood he own weaknesses and what many men do not, there are some things better left alone.
I am writing this today as a plea to my family......all of you husband, children and your friends, nieces, nephews, in-laws, cousins, and siblings, please stop ! The use of alcohol is very destructive for those who do not have good self control and we have history that says we should avoid it.
I personally have done many shameful things while under the influence. Acts of indecency and lewdness. I have cheated and lied, I have fallen down and found myself wearing my own vomit. I have had sex when I was to drunk to say no and really no defense to stop another from using me because of how very out of control I was due to intoxication. I have driven when I could have killed myself or others. Every really reprehensible thing I do not want to reflect on I can attribute to doing while under the influence ! So Please take heed and stop drinking to save your own self from feeling these feelings of embarrassment or better yet stop before you make a decision that could put you in jail because you have injured or been the reason someone else has died! Yes it is that serious! Their is a line too that once you cross the chice becomes less yours and that lie has destroyed many a person and too many families to count! I want my words to help someone, so please pass this along, I find being human helps us all in the long run! I am free and I want others to walk in that same freedom!

Pray works !

Today has been a blessing to me! I am a true believer in prayer and I am evidence prayer works. I have posted in the past about being ill. My fear has been evident and so have my doubts and that is why I want to state for the record, God answered the prayers of His people and healed this sick girl! I am the one that was healed by the faith of her friends!
Most of my life I have had seizures. Those seizures have tried to keep me down and out but my love for life and family would never let them prevail. I have also suffered from migraines, they have been a constant part of my life from my teens on as well! Well to make matters more violent I am also in the midst of menopause ! Then just 5 months ago I lost my Mother-in-law and best friend. The perfect storm hit me when my life was already full to capacity with my business and family and my husband Brad. The raging of this storm was relentless and my body started to buckle under the pressure leading to loss of muscle control and electrical waves washing over my brain that confused me and left me in total fear in their wake. Then the pain from the headaches became debilitating, keeping me in the dark with out hope. I started to lose hope, but I never gave up.
To make a long story short I end up in University of Maryland medical center for 6 days! The best part of this story is yours, you my friends and friends of friends, churches and family started praying! You prayed when I myself no longer knew what to pray and really felt selfish asking God for anything when He has always blessed me with so much! Your prayers lifted me and placed me before a Holy God and He had mercy ! I am evidence of that mercy. I am humbled as to why he healed me but thankful He saw fit! I can tell you it was Him in mercy and you in prayer that brought about this miracle! Thank you my friends ......I am healed and released from my Doctor today! God hears our humble requests and answers sometimes the way we hope and at other times the way He must! Thank you all for trusting God on my behalf and sending out that prayer that you may have prayed with doubt but no less you did it and He heard! Prayer is powerful and an act of love! I will pray for you and yours as well !

Family......getting it right!

Raising a family must be about the hardest job in the world! Before I had children I knew everything there was about raising them. Then they came bursting into my life all squirmy and loud and demanding beautiful! It was love from the moment I even thought I could be pregnant. My love for Brad grew deeper with each pound I gained. I must say as difficult as it was in those early years where I had 2 in diapers it could never prepare me for parenting adult children. All the sickness and emergency room visits could not prepare me for the greatest job I faced, being a mother to adult children.
Adult children are a whole new world. The love and acceptance you need to have gets put in perspective and challenged daily. I thought I was a kind, loving and accepting person, then my own flesh and blood challenged me, they called my bluff. I have 3 children , 2 boys, 1 girl and believe me as babies and young children I thought the road was hard but in hind sight it was amazing. It was days filled with learning and exploring for each of us. My children taught me more and inspired me to seek a deeper understanding of the world I lived in. I also learned to put the needs of my family above my own and this was a great accomplishment considering how self centered I was. I can thank my husband and children for helping me become a better human and giving me a chance to really learn what love and family really is.
Today as a mother I am faced with parenting John , Chase and Abigale as tho I have some insight into the world. At times I am their friend and confidant but also their voice of reason. Two of my children are gay and that really makes my job even harder. In my life I have never felt a same sex attraction, so how do I minister to those who do? The dilemma is one I hurdle on a moment to moment basis. Fear overwhelmed me when Chase told me he was gay. Fear for him and how in his life he most assuredly was harmed by the words of my own prejudice. I had to ask him to forgive me. I had to work thru my doubts and fears too. Times can be very hard for a family when you add a new dimension like homosexuality. I was trying hard to understand him with out making this difference he faced about me. It hasn't been to long since I found out his sister Abby was living out her difference in secret. Life for anyone who feels different is hard but being homosexual in a bible believing family must make it almost impossible to feel like you have a place in this world, let alone this family.
I am forever grateful for my children because again they have helped me become more than the narrow minded woman I once was. I am a good mother and learning every day how to get this job done right and in part because I have learned the world is not just what I think it is but it is so much more! So for now I will close but this story is far from over.
I am committed to writing about my experiences and hope to share them here with you , God and for my own enrichment and reflection. Till then!

My source

Lord , today I come before you to give thanks ! I want to thank you for being with me in my darkest hour. I have been delivered from the pit of hell. I have been raised from the dead. I was walking and talking but my life no longer was filled with joy or hope. I had become a dead man walking and then Lord you let me fall even further. You Lord let my body fall apart and when it seemed I was to lose it all you put me in the belly of the whale and there I sat till I heard from heaven and was retored. I am nothing without You oh Lord my God. I am fully aware that You are my shelter and my dwelling place. You allowed me to fall so that I might have to look up for my help. You took away all those I have depended on and even my own ability so that I might see where my true help comes from. You allowed the body of Christ to lift me up in prayer when I no longer could pray for myself. You let Your pepole do for me what I did not have the presence of mind to do for myself, they prayed and You heard their cries. Thank Lord ofr the faithfulness of the church.
You oh Lord God have become my shade from the scorching sun and you are my cool water. You have placed in me faith and hope and love. You Lord give me strength when I have none. I will follow you all the days of my life my hope is in You and You alone. You make my days beautiful. You make me see light in the darkness. You give me words of encouragement when I am afraid. I will trust You Lord even in my darkest days and I will encourage others to do the same. I will have faith that you can use me each and every day of my life, even till I draw my last breath. You take the ashes of my life and make something beautiful. I sing to the Lord a song of amazing grace because You have been faithful to put it in my heart. God is my source and strength and I am His and I will dwell in His presence all the days of my life !

Waging WAR

Dr. Yonker told me I am in a war and basically my brain is the battlefield ! The MRI shows I have a beautiful brain one quite worthy to do battle for! The hardest part of battle is the mere fact I cannot get away from the war for even the slightest moment of respet. This battlefield in my mind is constant and relentless. The hormones in my body have started to drop leaving the whole body susceptible to all kinds of problems, but for women with migraines and epilepsy the war becomes even harder to fight. In my mind it would be the same as sending your army off to war with wounds not healed and giving them a map that only confuses them more because the map is for another country, not the one they are in. It would seem to be a great disadvantage for anyone, but I choose to see it as tho, who better to fight the battle than those who know the pain and confusion of warfare. I know moments will come and the fog will lift and I will be more able and stronger because I stayed in the fight, I never gave up. When I sleep the battle wages on and often wakes me with fear and panic but then I remember wars do not go on forever, they all have an end and everything is more scary in the dark of night. Dr. Yonker told me mine may be months but she thinks I can do this with the help of many medications. Brad is my wing man and she is my general and I am waging war. I love my life and my family and they are worth fighting for. I know that I have another advantage, my God is for me so who can be against me. I will do battle and I may have scars but they will be my constant reminders of how far I have come. My trials are my chance to grow and change and become all God has wanted for me all along. Fear is not my friend and I will reject it. The love and prayers of my friends and family they are my secret weapon and I am willing and ready to wage war with the Holy Spirit as my guide I know I can win! Pray for me as I overcome not only this physical assault on my brain but all the fears that try to creep into my mind as well ! I love you all and I will see you all on your own personal battlefields waging a Holy War !

Just another day !

Writing while under the influence of seizures or drugs has the same effect......lots of going back to edit or just plain fix what i misstated. I have never gone so long unable to work past or through something. In my family of origin the sick are just the weak or lazy and I am neither; I must fight this battle within me that tells me everyday get up your just being lazy. I am strong, each day I get out of bed and I fight against this fire storm of electrical activity in my head. Each day I take drugs that make me feel lost and dissociated from my mind and body. The fire storm in my mind is not only keeping me home but now in almost utter darkness. The light of everything hurts my eyes and brain, mornings are best because they have been rested but by evening I need sunglasses to watch TV in the dark. I do not know what rages in my mind but I want freedom from it. I want to be my old happy go lucky self. Remember I told you once everything I have ever spoken ill against another God is making me face today, well here I am again fighting so now I fear I must become mute as well. I work hard to fight the constant and abiding fatigue it causes while working hard every day to keep my sanity and memories intact. I am a warrior doing battle every single day of my life. I can do this because of the beauty of the people God has placed in my life. My husband is the kindest man I have "ever" known, not once has he made me feel anything but loved, nothing I ask is to great, he makes me feel like a princess and he is my prince doing my biding. . He serves me everyday in any way possible. I am forever in love because he is mine. I write because I am here alone and I want people to know the kinds of things I think about. I wish this illness were gone and I could be my healthy self again but right now I will take each day as it comes and find joy and laughter in it ! I love you all ! Happy Monday!

Today I am feeling somewhat better and I say that with hesitation because storms roll in at any given time, unexpected and uninvited! I am at the mercy of God and this defective brain He gave me. I still call on Him and trust Him because as a parent I know sometimes it is painful to let your children go through things, when you know deep down they will come out on the other side better.
I want to confess here and now I have always been ashamed to tell people I have Epilepsy, I have always said" I have a seizure disorder." Everything negative is attached to the word. The church I grew up in thought of it as a spiritual illness. I thought of it as hell on earth. Most every person I know who had Epilepsy was also suffering from other mental deficiencies so I was not about to throw that knowledge out there for fodder as the household I grew up in I was the slowest in more ways than one.

The first time I ever helped any one with the disorder was a friend who's child has seizures and I remember telling her the best part is when you pass out then you don't feel anything and you just sleep afterwards. I knew she somehow took some comfort that I could speak to her fears.

Most my life I have been unaware of anything but the gran-mal seizures I have, but now that I am in the throws of menopause I have learned that I also have some thing called partial complex seizures. This partial seizure needs to be renamed as it sounds so much less insidious than it really is. Example, Grand-mal seizure throws you to the ground whips your ass walks away, when you can, you get up clean yourself off and then crawl into bed and sleep it off. Partial seizure hits you while you are on your feet , you forget where you are and you be come overwhelmed with fear. Partial seizure hits you and you can no longer speak or at best you say part of a word over and over, all the while your mind is screaming what is happening to me? Partial seizure makes your head nod and your arm pulsate or your entire body jerk all while you have no control. These seizures hit way more frequent then the once a month generalized ,grand-mal but I can safely say they all suck!
Seizures make it impossible to drive. If I take the meds I need, they slow my brain activity down so much that the movement of the car hurling through space bombards my brain with so much info I have a panic attack but if I don;t take them I will possibly run into someone while my brain is out of touch!I suppose this is just too much information for some folks but my hope is it will bring this disease into the light and out of the dark ages or you could say I am bringing Epilepsy out of the closet here is your ticket to my personal view from the inside out hope you learn from my ride!

Hope lost at times !

I wake today flooded in my own blood.....everything I have ever read says women with epilepsy usually go thru menopause sooner than most and with few exceptions, me, I am the lucky one who gets a life filled with cramps so unbearable I had seizures because of the pain. I have bled so heavy that I laugh when I hear others complain about changing tampons 4 times a day. I am an angry bitch right now and I know all the things to say to make it better, I have been saying them for years to others and myself. Today I don't know how to stop these feelings and I'm not sure that would be the right thing to do. My brain is on overload right now and I am setting it free of the bondage it is in so I can recapture the woman who used to live here, I like her much better.
I think for the first time in my life I understand people with different types of mental illness. I am staying at home most all the time because the stimulation of all the visual movement, colors and brightness make me feel overwhelmed. The sounds make me to nervous. People make me angry as they always seem to be in my way. The information the brain takes in and processes is amazing and I have only learned just how much it is for me has been during these electrical assaults called seizures have made made it impossible to process it. Doctors call them electrical storms and I would say that is not clear enough because a storm passes and these rage on day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute. A storm in the sky can be seen and heard but one in the brain can only be known to the very one experiencing it, unless people close to the one experiencing have learned the tells. To everyone I know they see me as a picture of health but my defect is hidden behind my flesh and eyes. I can be having a conversation with you while my right side is pulsating from a seizure or my head nodding, or I am staring off in what appears to be thought. I can be looking for a word and you think it is nothing or the pattern of my speech changes and you give no thought but inside me it is a seizure. There is a price to pay for every little electrical storm ,fatigue , memories lost and I am exhausted and depleted most always after even the smallest one. I put these words here on this page because I have lived for over 25 years in a darkness that others do not understand, today I am coming out of the closet. Today I make it my mission to help those who are less fortunate than I and cannot find a voice for the storm that rages within. I am only one face of epilepsy and there are many!

2012

2012 finds me facing so many new and different things ! I am so angry ....no joyful post about all kinds of opportunities just raw emotion as I face day after day of seizures. I know this is not like me to post this but I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am starting this year out being real and raw. I am happy for all of you with new grand-babies and children who are ultra successful, truely but I am here living out my ordinary life, facing a future that is uncertain and like most all of us I am not special, (we all face crap.) Today I have no beautiful resolution. I am on medications that are making me gain weight so guess what, next time you see me I will be fat. I am also angry I can no longer drive a car, I am dependent on others and that sucks royally I have always been able to do more than most, even when I was at my worst, not today. I am in the middle of a pity party so excuse me if my ignorance shows itself , I really do not need any attention either , so please don't call. I am exploding with emotion and I fear if it doesn't find its way out I will have yet another seizure. Can I tell you seizures and menopause SUCK!

I know all the reasons I have to be grateful , I do and if it were not for those people I would have checked out already, true. I feel certain the days ahead will not be so bleak but right now the clouds and fog are blocking my view. I will never pretend, I will be real at all times . I started this day with multiple seizures and several break downs , I am not special and my pain doesn't trump yours . My journey is meant to make me great or break me and right now I am about to break! I write to give a voice to my internal struggle , I don't want or need sympathy , I want to spew these feelings out so they will stop haunting me. I want this illness to get under control so I can have my life back. I want the storm raging in my brain to cease and desist, no matter how that happens. IF I CAN'T BE ME I DON'T WANT TO EXIST! Drooling and sitting around taking up space is no life at all, so forgive me if I see death as a beautiful option. I know my words have made you uncomfortable but I had to vent this ugliness so the clouds can lift and the fog will clear.
No I am not demon possessed I am ill My brain has storms of an electrial nature but if you feel compeled to pray for my deliverence I would be thankful as anything has to be better than living with this constant draining of my life and energy. I am feel free now so I will close but if you feel so inclined pray for my family, Brad ,Pam, John, Chase and Abby.
Truth is I pray the God of creation blesses you with more than you could ever hope for. May prosperity and good health always be yours along with joy , hope and LOVE!