I want !

I want so much more ! I want more than I can see with my eyes. I want something deep and eternal ! I want something so deep eyes can not see nor can words express. I want answers to all the questions about life, the ones that feel so feeble and so desperate but yet need answers . I want something eternal that makes me certain all the pain and suffering on earth has had beautiful and wonderful meaning ! I want a knowledge that assures me all the death and dying has been about deeper love and meaning and all about God's greater purpose, no accidents. I want all the sleepless nights to be filled with conversations with God about the plan for my life , not silence I want all the graves ever dug to be about the lives lived having hidden beauty and great reward. I want a life that gives me pause, while giving me courage to believe and hold on for the chance to see the beauty behind it. I want to see beauty for ashes and I want the ability to believe and never doubt. I want to love with such beauty and mercy that healing comes forth and heals the ones I share that love with. I want my God to be so great that I never fear again and I never feel the pain of doubt or loneliness. I want my love and worship to flow out of my soul like the music that comforts our souls when we mourn or cry for all we have lost. I want an inner thought life that never feels conflicted when I talk about the grace or mercy of my God. I want blind love and faith for everyone. I want to trust my life has meaning more than I can conceive , so the searching can cease. I want life and life more abundantly and I want understanding and wisdom to give me rest. I want to walk out my love for God and man in a constant peaceful flow. The desire of my heart is to have wisdom, grace , mercy and love enough to bride the gap between me and my God and His creation.

DESPAIR

Everyday of my life I am at war. I rise to battle the demon of despair. It is so relentless that I am never at full rest. He nags me with the thoughts that say life is too hard and God will not answer your prayers ! This demon has been an unwelcome companion all the days of my life and often I wrestle him to the ground and subdue him but only for a time. He stalks my life and at any given moment I am his prey. I will never yield to his oppressive words or even when he strikes my body and it fails me or my weakest point when he strikes the ones I love. He often whispers in my ear where is your God now? I will never yield because God has given me an inner strength that lets me know He is there in my darkest moment. I have often wondered why God would allow such hideous creatures to roam about wrecking havoc on His family but alas I will never understand the ways or thoughts of God. I have determined that I want to be a loving person and there is nothing about my tormentor that is. So, the very thing he has set out to do becomes the very reason I run to God. I run to God because He makes me want to be good, my enemy brings out ugly things therefore causing me to turn to my Saviour for strength and rest. It is amazing how the despair makes me run after God not away. What amazes me most is that what the enemy of my soul has purpose for my very destruction has been used by God to make me more beautiful in His eyes ! God's plan takes every moment and every situation good or bad as an opportunity build up His children , He uses everything in life for us not against us. There are days when the battle seems to hard , fall and you will be safe in the arms of God , stand and He will be beside you , whatever you do know He is with even unto the end of days !

Sober Living

I am awakened today by one of the most sobering thoughts I have ever had. I am losing my parents to age, time and illness. My father died at 52 and at the time he seemed old but as I approach my 51st birthday this year , not so old ! So when my father died he was as able bodied as any man I have ever known, even to this day. There was no slow decline he died suddenly in his prime of a heart attack. Our surviving parents have been given over to the decline of age and time and it seems to have happened while we weren't looking. I suppose it happened while we raised our own family.
Brad and I have been blessed with a great support system all our lives. Never could we do anything the would result in the loss of love from our parents. If ever we had a need we knew they were there. Our parents are noble people who take care of family and each other. Our families are close because our parents have worked to keep it that way. The strong have been weakened and it is sad to me. It is sad that the people who were our leaders and protectors have become less than all those things.
I am dealing with my sorrow that in the near future we will be saying goodbye. I am overwhelmed at times by the sadness of losing them. I come to this page to begin my grieving so I can be strong for those around me. I am going to squeeze in every moment I can, count my blessings and be grateful for all I have but all the while slowing preparing myself for the loss. Some may think I am crazy and I do not care what others think , this is me working out my life in a way that keeps me from falling completely apart when the time comes to let go. I respect these people more than any others I have ever known. I know their flaws and weaknesses and they know mine and we love each other in spite of them. How blessed am I that God gifted me with my Mom and Dad , and then with my Father and Mother-in-law. Brad's , Mom and Dad have been true parents to me and I am forever going to love them as my own flesh and blood! I am truly grateful for my family , both sides and I will celebrate that love all the days of my life. I come to the page to work out my life and it may not always be comfortable but this is me. Sobering is the thought that crosses my mind when I realize I must someday let go of the people I love most in this world !

Growing Up without Big Brother

I feel inspired to write about growing up, I grew up in a family of 8, my parents and 6 children in a 2 bedroom house. During my teenage years this brought me shame and embarrassment. I can remember going to junior high and realizing how little we had and that most girls did not share a room with their brothers. Thankfully my Father added a bedroom and garage when I was in my teens , so when the older kids moved out I got my own room, I felt special! Our family was a hard working family and in our neighborhood we were well respected. My Father taught us your name was everything and should never be taken for granted.
I want people of this generation to realize that by yesterdays standards everyone today is wealthy. I hear talk of the poor and oppressed and I see everyone walking with a phone stuck to their ear. By and large the word poor is not what it was. How can people be poor and obese? The two cannot co-exist. Poor people in our neighborhood ate beans, for most every meal and no one was fat. Neighbors took food to families that struggled when they stopped in for a visit. Most people had a TV, not one in every room. We didn't always have all the things necessary to play ball , but if we brought our resources together we could play ball in the field next to my house. My family only had one car for most of my life, my Mom would drive Dad to work and pick him up when he got off. This was the condition of most people in my neighborhood. We had no idea we were poor.
Today people act as if everything advertised on TV should be in every home. People act as if they are entitled to these things. My thoughts are work is good for the soul and no job is beneath me if I am hungry. I believe our government is creating a dependency that is crippling our society. Government has now become the big brother we have feared. If people are given long term hand outs they begin to depend on them and lose the fire in the belly that picks a man or woman up by the boot straps and tells them do whatever is necessary till you find what you are looking for. Hunger gets one up and out to find a job! Complacency tells one that we should take it from someone else because he has more than he needs! I want more for our people than standing in a line waiting for a handout and then going home sitting in front of the TV and doing it all over again when we have consumed it ! What ever happened to working your way up from the bottom. What ever happened to necessity becoming the mother of invention?
We as a people are experiencing the greatest poverty ever . We have poverty of our souls and minds. We are being spoon fed every excuse in the book as to why we need a bigger and greater government to save us when in fact we need to save ourselves. As I reflect the lack of things does not constitute poverty but the state of mind , heart and soul constitute real poverty. I was in fact a very rich little girl growing up because I had a family who believed I was more than the things that surrounded me. I was wealthy because i was told I could be anything in life I wanted, if I could dream and work toward that goal, I could achieve it. SO in truth poverty is a state of thought. People who are told they need the government long enough believe it. People who are told take and give nothing in return will soon become consumers and know nothing about producing and restoring and giving. Poverty is more about what we believe than what we have ! I pray for our nation that someone will be the voice that stands against the tide of more entitlement and less personal responsibility ! Life as I knew it as a child helped shape me into the woman I am today so I believe less is more than enough !

Growing older brings more responsibilities

I have decided growing old is beautiful. With age comes grace and elegance I have never had before. I change everyday and some days I resist and others days I embrace the changes. The beauty comes when I embrace my life as it is now. I find myself with three adult children all living on their own but still in need of love and direction from time to time. I also have three adult parents still living and in need of love and direction from time to time. I face the daily problems of running a business, my home and marriage as well. If I look at the full picture I could have a pity party and tell myself it is just too much and believe me I have done that a time or two or I could change my perspective and realize how blessed I am. My life is what I make it. I can see the struggles I face and be overcome or I can overcome the struggles, the choice is mine. Well the decision has been made I will live with the joy and the fellowship of my loved ones as long as they will have me. Our burdens are so much lighter if we share them with each other. No one has to be a super hero, we have to realize our limitations and delegate what we are unable to do. Family is a blessing and I for one want to have a part in helping the ones who were there for me when I needed them. I also want to be there for the ones who had no choice they came because I wanted my life to be full and rich so I brought them into the world. I choose to see everyday as beautiful even the hard ones. I also find we tend to forget we may not have the privilege to serve each other for very long, cause there are no guarantees we have tomorrow. " Life ain't always beautiful but it's a beautiful ride."

No act of Love is ever to small !

I began this day struggling to keep my mind on the tasks that were before me. I couldn't believe how much anxiety I was having for no reason. I considered taking medication for the stress I was feeling and then thought I would try and ride it out. Well it is now 12 hours later and I feel relaxed and happy. I feel joy as I read the declarations of love people have posted today. I thank God that He gives me joy and peace when I see how much love really can change your day and even change people around you ! I am convinced we are stronger when we celebrate each other . There is no magic involved just honest to goodness concern for each other. I had the chance to dance in my kitchen while my friend in Georgia danced in hers to a song she posted for us! She and I know that we were thinking of the other and that gave us a real reason to feel loved. I saw while looking at pictures one of my daughters old boyfriends had volunteered in a classroom with kids that need to feel special and he is special because he gave. The gift can never be bigger than what we receive when we just open our hearths and give from our soul. My daughter gave a gift of love and concern that was needed by her grandmothers and to me , I saw something beautiful in her that made me want to be more and so goes the cycle of giving love ! Jump in and see how beautiful your small gestures are to those who need just a little encouragement ! Today your acts of love lifted my spirit from the darkness of depression. Thank you for all you give to me !

Valentines is nonsense !

I feel compelled to say a few words about love. I cannot begin to tell you how special I feel because others love me. Love makes me want to be a better person. I believe if you give love freely it will return and bless you beyond measure and I am proof that it is true. Observing my father while growing up , he was a man who commanded love and respect. I watched him and saw in his life abundant joy and peace, even tho our home was often stressful and chaotic. He believed love was a gift we give to each other, he did not manipulate me with it, he just gave it unconditionally. I learned from him not to judge others because I have no idea what brings a man to the choices he makes. I have watched the opposite as well and have seen the misery it brings when you use love as a tool to control others. Love is as the word says" God himself", so if I use my love to get people to preform and behave the way I want I am manipulating God and using Him and His creation for my purposes. Scripture states "that perfect love casts out all fear" and this amazes me, I wish I knew how to love perfectly. I know this, in every situation I enter if I decide to honestly care about the people and not judge them I can walk in with confidence and find that I am received with grace and mercy and respect. People, rich or poor, white of black, gay or straight, obedient or rebellious, believers or unbelievers all need love and as I understand the call on my life they are all the same in the eyes of God so I am to love each as they are! Love is the great equalizer and if we give it we empower others to do the same. So I challenge you to stop the foolishness of valentines and make a proclamation to share your love everyday ! Give and it shall be given unto you !

Anger

Anger is raging in my heart at this moment and if asked why or how , I have no answer. I believe it comes out of righteous indignation but who is righteous enough to feel this way. Well I am angry at watching others suffer pain and loss when they have already had so much taken from them. I am mad because some people have so much and seem so ungrateful. Gratitude is the opposite of anger and self pity, so I have to measure my steps carefully or I will become as those I judge. Yes I am in a judging condemning mood right now. I want with all my hearth to cut loose and tell the ingrates how stupid they are but miserable people can not change it seems and I want to heal and protect the broken but I am not God ,I can do neither. I have determined in this moment I am the stupid one or crazy , call it what you like. God allows beautiful people and families to suffer loss and hardship all the time. Some prayers never get answered the way we want. So here I am struggling one more time with my inability to accept what is. Here am I trying to figure out what God is thinking ( that should make us all laugh out loud). I am so short on good sense right now it is not funny. I am giving expression to my thoughts hoping I will find my way back to peace. How do I find a way to suffocate this fire in my chest? I do what I always do I argue with God till I am exhausted and then I accept life on His terms. I choose God over all my lack of understanding and I ask Him for the grace and mercy to get through this day . I will still encourage everyone, even those who will not receive it because that is who I am and I will pray because that is what I do. I forgive others because their lack of understanding is even less than mine. I accept that bad things happen to really great people and I ask God to forgive my arrogance and I pull through the battle to fight yet another day!

Real Love

I was listening to a love song this morning and the song spoke to my soul, so I want to express these thoughts on love. I found the first real love from someone other than family when I met Brad. He looked at me like an equal, he saw in me more than I was. The love he gave me made me believe I could be anything. My Dad had always made know that I was capable and able too, his love was the kind that was never jealous or envious but pure. The love Brad and I had grew out of a true respect and friendship. Lust played a part as well because it kept the fire stoked that allowed our love to develop into something real. You know new love distorts your view of each other and makes you believe things no one can live up to. I have never known the kind of love that he and I freely share. Most all other love is born out of family but this love is a choice we make. Many were the times that our loved wained and I felt the work of loving was to great a cost but each time that happened something would come against us that drove us back to each other. He has never made me feel like I wasn't worth the effort no matter my struggle. I can say that his love for me has been the greatest and the most valiant love I have ever known. He gave me three beautiful children when in fact he was never really ready for a family. I think when some people love they give too much of themselves away and he is that kind of man. In life few are those who have what we have but before you think we have a perfect marriage, let me state we have not always been what we wanted to be. Even in a good marriage people make stupid choices, choices that could break a marriage apart and I for one have been that person. The marriage is only as good as the intent of the heart! The actions do not always reflect the heart, but sometimes actions reflect the ego.
My children think I am pretty great and what I have come here to say is, I am what I am because your Dad lets me be. He doesn't compete with me in the love department he lets go of his ego so I can be the special one! His love for me is beautiful in its very nature and I have learned so much from him. I just needed to tell you that because you seem to think it the other way around! So love is the only perfect gift we give each other. Dad and I can only hope you find real love !

dreams and demons

By day I am an average wife , mother and small business owner. At night I become a demon slayer !!! While most of us are sleeping , some nights I am busy saving lives from demons that hope to consume them. Point in case; I recently dreamed I was in school and class was just starting. I heard noise from the back of the room and I felt the presence of something hideous and dark. The nature of the beast prevented others from speaking, I heard their fear, as the only thing that escaped them were sudden gasps of breath. Then I felt him right on my back. He was breathing a stale stench and he was bigger than I had ever imagined. I never turned to face him but what I could see was leathery and scorched and smelled of sulfur. I had a moment in my mind ( as fast as the twinkling of an eye) , where I knew I had to pray in tongues , my first though was the people in the room would not understand but I prayed anyway. The language of God poured out of me and I reached back with both hands to my left shoulder and grabbed this thing off me. I threw him to the floor and in that moment of taking authority he became a demon the size of a small pig. My teacher told me to throw him out into the hall and I said no, I had him open the window and threw him out. This was the first time in my life I had so much authority over the demons that taunt me. Other times I can get them to leave by calling on the name of Jesus but this was different because I removed him! The massive size was a lie he produced to have me see something that wasn't true, something that would stop me in my tracks. When I grabbed hold I found that he was posturing and would have intimidated me if I had only believed what I saw. I suppose this demon was much like the animals in nature, he tried to inflate his size to appear more apposing and cause me to turn and run in fear but the Holy Spirit prompted me to pray and I was obedient, so then the true magnitude of what I faced became clear and I no longer was afraid.
Moral of my story if it looks like something you can't handle and smells of the pit of hell, it may be an illusion set up to cause fear and doubt ......Pray whatever the spirit of God gives you and then you can grab it buy the shoulders to see everything is not as it appears. In life we have the power to see our problems as the enemy would like through fear and intimidation. The enemy will taunt us but we can return the favor if we trust the Holy Spirit in us!

Parent/ student

Being a mother is the greatest job I have ever had. I love my children and I am amazed by the beauty of each of them. They have stretched me beyond my wildest dreams. I thought I was so cool and very liberal and accepting of people and then they challenged my beliefs. The first challenge caused me to dig deep and took time but I grounded myself and felt proud, then the second challenge came and I had to dig even deeper . Until the third and greatest challenge came I thought I was OK and right with the world but boy did I have much to learn. John , Chase and Abigale have righted my course, they have made me see how blind I was . The bible says get the log out of your own eye so you can help your brother remove the splinter in his. Let me say I really always thought I had a splinter till the gift of my children. I did not know how blind I was, because this was the only way I had ever seen the world. My is God gracious enough to send them for me and together they helped me get the log out. I still am suffering with lots of splinters the log left behind but my world is becoming more clearly focused and for that I am grateful. In life we believe our job is to teach our children but I am convinced they have come to teach me and rescue me from my blindness and help open my eyes! The job I have done as a mother pales in comparison to the job God sent them to do for me!

Pregnant with possibilities

Expressions of joy need to come more often than conflict but at this moment in my life I am overcome with constant upheaval. I started to blog 2 years ago and at that point in time I thought I was there , there being the place you hope to arrive in an older age of life when nothing is that much shocking or frightening, anymore!
I really thought after raising 3 children and getting them to adulthood alive, I had something to feel accomplished about. The day each moved to go away to school , I felt a satisfaction of a job being completed . That accomplishment lasted for a brief period of time and then the floodgates opened. Trials and tribulations that I had not really expected. I being very foolish had thought I had made all the right choices when raising my family and of course the outcome was going to be predictable; my children were going to be beautiful and intelligent adults very accomplished in what ever they set their hand to do! My heart and mind said I had not made all the mistakes my parents had, so, life was going to be a cakewalk for my kids ......they have nothing to overcome.
Huge mistake, did I say huge mistake? These beautiful and mind you extraordinary humans had flaws and crosses of their own to bear. I found you cannot love your kids to much , just as you can not make them any less human than you are.
I think this is the place where I found my peace with God and my parents! I am human and so are they, those things I rebelled against were for me. My rebellion was about me no one else. We so often want to think well if this had not happened I would not be like this. It is all bull ! I was destined to be a wild and promiscuous girl. My choices made me who I am, it is not not my parents fault or my religion but me ! As I accept my children I find God gives me the grace to accept myself. God also gives me the grace to forgive those parents who did the best they knew how! Bad things happen to all of us growing up but the challenge is that we do not become shackled to those sins or mistakes, even the crimes we had no control over are now subject to us if we take authority over them ! Those very bad experiences bring out the beauty in us if we allow the process to take its natural course in our life. So as a Mother and Wife I must trust that people are free to be who they need to be in this moment, so they can become who God wants them to be in the future. The moral of my story is; Take all your sorrows and take all the experiences you have in life and allow the goodness and purpose of God to over shadow them so you may become pregnant with the person God intended you to be.

Free to be Me !

Today at the very core of my being I am at a crossroads. This conflict that rages a war in me tells me I am powerless and I must agree, I am. My conflict comes by way of my love. I love someone who needs my help but I cannot make them take it. So here I am with a decision to make , not an ultimatum ,but a decision that is mine and mine alone. Will I change and therefore force change in others lives, or will I walk the same path I have always walked ? I can say without a doubt I am setting a new course. There are things in life you live with until such a time comes when you realize it doesn't have to be this way. I am powerless over the people I love but I can set boundaries for me. My boundaries give me protection from carrying the burden that forced me to think I must make everything right with the world for everyone. The choice is clear, I am no longer going to be all things to all people but I am going to do what I can to open doors for me to be the best me possible ! I will avail myself to those I love but no longer at the cost of my own happiness. I am a grown woman who is being set free daily from "my own ideas", on how I am to conduct myself and from the pedestal others have placed me on! I am jumping off into the deep end cause....... I am a big girl and I can swim! Come on in the water is nice !

Purpose and Destiny

I am so tired of asking questions about destiny and purpose, suppose for one moment that life is just a measure of time nothing more or less. Just suppose we have walked around asking questions about the bigger purpose and our destiny has only been about time. We each are born with a hour glass and when the sand runs out, it is over, simple, clean and uncomplicated. I have decided to live the most simple existence I can. Live as tho we were back in a different time and place. I want a life that loves and cares but stops all the drama and emotions that come with all the religious and political struggles. I am here to have an influence and that influence is the same as Christ , to love and give acceptance to the outcast, grasping that I am the outcast. I want the wisdom that says stop the worrying and make your way in this world as best as possible. Stop the madness , God did it all and I am OK with Him and He with me. I want the freedom that comes with relationship , not religion. I am certain when my hour glass is empty my thoughts will not be about church or the dogma of doctrine but about moving on to my new home and seeing the ones I love again . So while here I am spending my time becoming friends with the creator of the universe and that is my purpose and it is enough!

Sometimes you need to put the pen to paper and let the words flow out of you ! You cannot hide behind a topic or the words will rebel and choke the life out of your thoughts. I am full every moment of everyday with these words and they compel me to let them out so I can find the woman hidden beneath. What is my higher purpose? This thought has haunted me and consumed enough of my life already but still it is not satisfied. The time has come to release myself from the bondage of self doubt and programing. My highest purposed has been served, I was and am still trying to be the best mother I know how to be. I have worked very hard to be the best wife I could possible be. So today I am setting myself free from those worries. To Brad and the kids I say I did what I knew to do .......now have at it. I am free to be whom ever I want , I am no longer this person who needs to be available to others , they are adults. I am free to be Pam and all that that means. I find when I am alone I discover I am way more content and happier than I even knew possible. I find that the woman is really not that far from the child , with one exception , as a child I had a wonderful imagination and that has been lost. I am free to chase the stars but find I am paralyzed by all the conditioning of a life time. So I am seeking the way to walk in a freedom that only children know. So when I posted earlier about dancing I was being real , I plan to Laugh out loud every time I can and dance everyday. I have every reason to suspect my service to God and humanity will be better served if I live light in my loafers. So if I seem lost in space it is me finding my joy and imagination , feel free to laugh with me cause I have a feeling the road ahead is bumpy and we are going to need each other and lots of laughter to make the days bareable.

Life has it's way of bringing about it's purpose. When I was young I was so certain about everything, not only was I certain but I knew everything, I love youth . Youth gives you the blinders life needs to be viewed properly with. The drama you face in your youth is about who is dating who or who said what about you. About the time 5o sets in, it is more about who died unexpectedly and who is sick and facing death, what kind of jobs will the kids find and who are they dating or for some marrying. I want the free heartiness of living in the moment when you feel invincible. I want crazy fun sex in the car because you can't wait another second because the two of you are so in love. I want to lye on my bed head hanging off the side, upside down, with girlfriends and laugh for an hour at how silly you look! I do not really care about the physical losses as much as the joy of living in that moment . Nothing was as important as the right here right now! The scariest thought was how will I ever survive without my friends? Those times should not be limited to our youth. So I am dancing with or without Brad or you for that matter. My family room is going to be filled with music not TV and I am going to start reclaiming my youth by dancing like I did when I was a girl. I will not let anyone or anything rob me of the "youth of my old age." I dare you to dance by yourself singing your favorite songs at the top of your lungs. You can be sure it will feel akward at first but soon the joy will rise up in you the way it did when music was your everything. I am finding my way and I refuse to grow old while doing so. I will keep a young heart and perspective, so if your hear me sounding like an old fart ask me when is the last time I danced. Life is meant for dancing ! See you at the dance !

Struggles produce beauty ?

Personally I think the past 5 years of my life have been the most difficult. I have had to change in ways I never thought possible. Everything I thought I knew has turned upside down. The way I perceive the world , my religious views and even the way I relate to family and others has been challenged. Every judgement I have ever spoken has come to back haunt me. I am better for the confrontation. I am better because I no longer see everything so black or white. My world looks nothing like it did in days gone by where I thought I had so much control but even that was an illusion.
I was taught that if you live right and do good things you will be rewarded and to some extent that is true. Today I can say I am the best version of myself but even so my struggles seem to have multiplied. I know without any doubt I am blessed but I certainly thought somehow, someway life would get easier as the children grew up and left home to find their own way in this world. I became a mother and I did the best I could at that, some may say I am a failure because my children certainly did what they could to challenge those black and white lines. What I see in hind sight is a loving God helping me lose my judgmental attitudes through the people I love most in this world. They bring beauty and color to my otherwise not so colorful or beautiful place!
Now where does that leave a 50 year old woman with so much more to give? I always have loved writing because it helps my soul to put thoughts down on paper and come back days later to see where I have been and how far I have come. The funnest thing about being me is I do not feel old or nearly used enough . I feel I can help others by putting words to our frustration and sorrows, I feel if I dig deep I can uncover the reason for all the madness in my life and maybe just maybe someone may be comforted to know they are not alone . My true thoughts on my pain and suffering is it will make me a better person and perhaps my struggles and words produced out of those trials may ease someone else's load. I am looking forward and hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel, if you see me hold my hand and we will find the way together!