God/ Fragile

How fragile is my relationship with God? I listen to people talk and give advice and I am convinced they live a life in fear. I have a living breathing relationship with God. We are friends and at times ememies, just like my marital relationship. Most people consider it sin to share those thoughts, well news break God already knows your questions, anger ,fear and frustrations before they come out of your mouth. I have deceided I am going to have an ongoing conversation without quoting scripture to back it up. The word is our source but suppose for one second you no longer had access , what then ? I am having this constant conversation that is like one I have with my husband. I am going to feel all the things a real relationship feels. I will not pretend that all is well when I am mad as hell. I will voice my concerns and wait for a response . I will never again allow others tell me how to relate to the Most High. My fears ,doubts, anger, hatred they do not surprise Him, I believe He is everything and knows everything, so my revelations to Him are old news anyway. So right now here on this blog I am in pursuit of God and it may look like blasphemy to some and to others it may be refreshing but for me it is authenticly me. I will no longer live under the contraints of others but I will work out my own relationship with God. If our relationship is as fragile as others seem to think then I will sweep streets in heaven but if I am correct and what God really wants are people He can call friends half the work will be done and when we meet face to face it will be a real homecoming. I write this blog to help me find my path , I do not intend to insult others or put anyone down, in fact my prayer is you read something here that will lighten your load! I am in pursuit and hope you are as well. The road ahead leads us bank home if we trust the one who gave us life. The road ahead is full of hope and despair, joy and sorrow, life and death and I am going to need this ongoing conversation with our Creator to get through it, so with confidence I will argue and fight, love and respect my God as I find my way home!

Mrs. Wulff

I have decided to write today about Brad's Mom, my other Mother. In life few are the ones who are as blessed as me. I love Beth Wulff and truly consider her one of my closest friends.
Mom is in the hospital once again, she celebrated her 80th there and it is one year later and there she is again. My heart is in a state of grief now because I watch her health fail daily. On my visit yesterday she told me about her body and how it is failing and I told her of my cruise with her son. As I was about to leave she grabbed my hand and asked me to pray and I did. I thanked God for this beautiful woman and the kindness she extended to the people she met in life. I thanked Him for all the children she comforted and cared for all the years she was a school nurse. I thanked God for the example she is as a wife and mother. I thanked Him for letting me be part of her family. I thanked Him for her voice and for the way she has soothed her children and grandchildren with that strong confidence and beautiful richness; Brad always has said her voice brings him comfort every time he hears it. Today her voice grows weaker but their is strength and a comforting way in which she speaks to me. As I prayed my prayer was filled with thanksgiving for a life well lived. The prayer had to go to a place she needed and I needed, the prayer had to speak of her demise, so I thanked God for the Holy Spirit that lives in her and how He was comforting her at this very moment. I thanked Him that when she took her last breath she would open her eyes to behold His face and all those she has ever loved before would be present too. I said these words confident she would be comforted by them. When my prayer was completed I asked her if she felt uncomfortable with me speaking of her demise and she said "because you speak of my demise, I think that is why I am comfortable."
I am in love with this woman and my heart breaks because the day is coming when I will have to say goodbye but in life my heart will remain grateful that I got to be the one to call her Mom and I got to be the one who carried her grandchildren. We marry thinking we are getting the man of our dreams but if we love as God planned we get to marry him and his family becomes our family in every sense of the word. If we work hard and love with as little judgement as possible it is possible to become one with our Mother-in-law after all there is no other woman on earth that has loved your spouse as deeply. So I say to you Beth Wulff , I am honored and blessed to call you Mom, I will be yours and you mine till death do us part and even then I will wait for you should I leave first and I know you will be there for me when my turn comes to go home. So as our time closes in on us I will remain ever grateful to God that people call us by the same name, Mrs. Wulff.

Jibberish

My words are lost right now, they have gone into hiding for fear of what I might say. My emotions are high and they can release more than aught to be said. Blogs are a beautiful place to express your life but the truth is we often want to put others truths out here. So my words are hiding , they want to remain untouched or unexpressed so as not to put things here that may make others uncomfortable or even hurt. I am an open book and I find it difficult to hold back what makes me who I am and some times that involves others and their stories as well because they are part of my life.
I am an emotional being and I find I need social interaction. I need to express my fears and doubts even at the expense of others but out of respect I can't. So what does one do when they can't say what they like ...... They turn the music up and Dance !!!

Judgement

I am writing today because I love the life I have in Christ Jesus ! I love that He came to fulfill the law because we are not able to carry it out ! I love that when He was asked by His disciples which of the law was most important he said,"Love your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: love your neighbor as yourself.' All the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments'," this reassures me. I am no longer afraid what man says about me or what man does to me because I am to following these laws. I will not condemn anyone for any sin because we all fall short according to His word. So if you trust God and His word their is no reason to fear no matter the label others give you , call on Him and talk to Him for He has made the way, even for the gossip !

Vacation

I want to capture everything about my cruise before time hacks away at it! First I was terrified to go on a cruise because I get motion sickness , so I started taking meds before I stepped on deck ! Good for me because it was the roughest waters the crew had seen in 6 months ! I got my sea legs 2 days in and never looked back but kept myself medicated, ........that may be why I did so well !
Warnings on all travel info should be posted about the non stop eating ! Food like I have never been exposed to in my life and yes I did partake at every chance. Brad and I ate more ice cream than we have in the whole last year ! Yes I did gain weight but only 3 pounds ! HOLLA!!!! I forced Brad and myself to use the stairs only and we did our daily walks or you would have seen a 10 pound gain , truth ! If you love food a cruise is the place for you !
We had a balcony but I could not use it for 3 days till I got my true sea legs and then it was amazing.
In my life time I have never seen a deeper more beautiful blue than the deep blue sea. Brad said to me when we stood on our deck , he now understood the words about Columbus sailing the deep blue sea. Here on the northeast coast our sea is more army green, no comparison.We snorkeled on a reef and I fell in love , Brad says I am getting certified and we are going to dive too ! Well that is a stretch but if he sighs me up I am going to have at it ! We zip lined under the canopy of the rain forest and this was my favorite moment! This was the only time I really thought of home or my family , I thought to myself the only thing that could have made that moment in my life any more outstanding was John, Chase and Abby being there with us ! It took my breath away and now I intend to zip line my way through the rest of my life.
Words will never adequately describe how I felt but I am at awe that people get to do such things. I am no longer going to live in fear of traveling but I am going to embrace every chance I get and see this beautiful creation called earth.
I think in life we become paralyzed by our own doubts and fears and sometimes we believe we do not deserve the things others take for granted. Well I am on a mission to believe I not only deserve these vacations but I need them as well ! So if you see me with a big smile plastered on my face ........ chances are I am thinking of that zip line and the joy I felt in that single moment in the jungles of Costa Rica !

Depression/ Death

Today I am writing about a topic that creates lots of discomfort but I have no choice, I feel compelled to say goodbye to friends who have ended their time on earth because the pressures were to great for their fragile minds. Many a soul has thought the thought but thankfully few have acted on the feelings. I am a person who struggles with depression from time to time and there have been thoughts about how easy it would be to leave the cares of this life behind and go to my Fathers house. I wanted to write because most people have suffered the loss of a loved one or struggle with debilitating thoughts as well. Depression is a weight that pulls you under so deep that at certain times you believe it will drown you and you see death as a welcome relief from the constant struggle for air. For some the thought has never crossed their minds and for those people I am happy but cannot relate. This is a very difficult topic to put out in the world because so many will not understand. Many look at someone like me and find it hard to believe this could be something I have struggled with, but trust me depression has haunted me all the days of my life. I find it hard to believe that everyone has not felt this way from time to time. I love life and am happy most always but many are the days I fight to get there. I urge you to make peace with people like me, words can not help us but love and understanding certainly make the load more bearable. Forgive the ones who could not bare the weight of this mental illness and always keep in mind it is an illness of the mind, nothing more.

My prayer for all those reading these words ; May the God of all creation give you strength to run the course ahead and may you find peace and understanding for those who thought it to difficult a task. God bless us all and help us bring comfort to each other as a result of our own personal suffering. Lord if we are able to help one another then our loss will have a deeper meaning and bring value to those struggling to stay in the race and the loved ones left behind.

I wanted to add a few scriptures that someone left before he took his own life.

" My God my God why have you forsaken me? Why are You so far from helping me and the words of my groaning? ( Psalm 22:1 )
O my God , I cry in the daytime but thou hearest not; and in the night season, I am not silent.
( Psalm 22:2 )
Remember not the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions but for thy goodness sake remember me oh , Lord.
( Psalm 25:7 )
The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside still waters.
He restoreth my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness.
For His name sake.
Yea tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.
I will fear no evil ;
For You are with me.
Your rod and Your staff they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
( the 23rd Psalm )

I have faith in God and so did he; he just couldn't believe he could bare one more day. He died a sinner calling out to God for mercy. Be merciful and forgive those who couldn't bare one more day or one more hour and please do not take on their responsibilities as your own. I share this hoping it will comfort you to know that suicide is not a lack of faith but a lack of will !

" IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL ! "

I changed the name of my blog today. The name was the "My Life and Times", that was not what my blog really was about. My life is a life in pursuit of God. I love this God I have never seen and have an on going conversation with Him. In fact I felt the title was deceptive so therefore I wanted to make clear what you will read here. Some days will be simple conversations about my life and times but most will be about this inner conflict I am in with God. As I try to become a friend of God, I ask you to watch and see if it is possible. I want to be transparent and authentic so here is where I am working that out. I have come to this blog to gain clarity and grow in strength and wisdom. My words are placed here for me and whom ever else may find courage and hope in them. I write and sometimes that opens my eyes to see how very blind I have beeen. I have been very judgemental and God has crippled me in every area that I have judged others. Many are the days I am angry at God and I admit I fail Him but just as in my marriage I work those feelings out. I will run to God not away. I will scream at Him and I will cry with Him but I will not walk away. So if you are the kind of person who is not perfect and doesn't have all the answers feel free to join in and watch as I walk out my faith and lack thereof. God knows all these things already but He also wants me to say them out loud so I can find my way back home to Him and His forgiveness !

Words

Words are formed to express the soul of man. Language gives us expression and puts meaning to our world. A world without them would be sad and dark and living would be function and task oriented only ! Words are beautiful and full of meaning , full of emotion, full of hope and full of expectation. Words give order to our lives and beauty, thoughts without words would be pictures only. Watch a baby when he understands language but is yet able to form words, he gets so frustrated. I want all the words I speak to have purpose and beauty and meaning. I think prayer is a beautiful way to express love and concern for those we love and even for strangers, it takes words. I really see language as amazing and full of history and art, full of potential. Words capture our past and present and even talk of our furture. We live this life in an unconscience state untill we become aware of the most basic things. I want to live with gratitude for everything. So today I am grateful for the ability to speak and converse with you. I am grateful for the intimacy that comes from expressing our thoughts with each other. I feel even more blessed when I think of the ability to capture my words and read others words thru writing. God has given us so much to be thankful for. Stop your busy, crazy life today and take time to have a conversation or read or even write and then thank God for such a gift !

Traveling at the speed of life

Life is a whirlwind but the funny part is you are not aware how fast it passes till you approach the end ! I am watching loved ones start to fade, the light that once shone so bright has begun to get ever so dimmer and it brings out fear in all of us. I know I can get along in this world without them but my world is so much richer because they are here. I read the postings of others and I see that they too are going through these losses. NOTHING stays the same. We are in constant motion , we are hurling toward our own demise and have no idea. Our life according to scripture is but a vapor, here and gone in a moment. We make all these plans that may or may never be fulfilled. I know we must look like ants from God's perspective, marching in and out doing, never just being content enough to contemplate life and all its richness. I am finding at 50 I have lost lots of opportunities and I want them back. Lost friends and family that once were near and dear and special. Special like only an investment of love and time can bring to relationship. My Mother and I have always had an odd relationship but by the grace and mercy of God we are finally who I always wanted us to be "friends". That took time, time that her illness forced on us, at the beginning I did what I had to do. Now I do things for her with great joy and gladness to have this chance. I walk with a lighter step because God has given me wisdom and a little insight. The insight being time is marching on and soon all will be carried to their grave, me included. All the drugs and alcohol and parties in this world will not remove that truth. I am not tempted by intoxication to handle these realities because I want to walk head on with a sound mind into this place of letting go. The harshness is cutting and cruel but I feel the weight for a short time and then I am stronger. I know I love God and He loves me and I know my fellowman is here as am I with the same purpose, so I am finding the contentment that says we are loved by our creator and time is at hand , love like you have no tomorrow, for in truth we have no promise to make it through this day !