soul cry

My soul cries out from deep within. Long hidden have been those things that make me different. I have become a woman with a role and I forgot the girl I used to be. I have always had an inner desire to explore and by explore I mean all the things nature provides me. As a child I wanted to heal people, I wanted to use the earths trees and plants and heal like the natives did. I wanted to help women birth their children and then help them take care of the babies born to all of them! I wanted to be a movie star because I though myself a pretty good actor. I wanted more than anything to sing but even I knew my voice wasn't good but that never deterred me for making a joyful noise. The things I wanted to do were endless. Wife and Mother were high on my list too as I knew that children were special and always felt my soul deeply connected with babies!
I think a life well lived has so much potential and mine no less than any other but I must confess here and now I have been a coward. I am afraid to be set free to do anything and I am not sure why? I am a confident woman and sure about who I am in the small confines of my world. So if I let my self free of its self imposed restrictions I might find myself uncertain and unsure of all that I though I was. So for now I will be challenging Pam to come out of the small world she has created for herself and play a smaller role in a bigger universe ! As my soul cries for more I will begin to open up to new experiences and opportunities being ever mindful of all that led me to this place in time and space!

I feel like a dog chasing his tail!

 Life is hard at times and it isn't as some would have you believe, good things happen to good people and bad things happen to good people. People are going to believe what they want but I for one will not be gullible any longer. I will see the world and my life with my eyes wide open. In this life I have done my best to be a good person. I have given faithfully to God's work, I have been kind to His creation. I give of my time as well, yet still days come when I am at  standstill ! I am angry that things never seem to be easy. I hate to sound like a spoiled child but I feel ever so slighted.
 There are so many who have fared way worse and so many who have fared much better. I still have trouble freeing my soul of it's anger. This is my truth and I will speak it as long as I have breath. I am tired of struggling to keep my business thriving and my home running. I really thought by this time in my life it would be so much easier, yet it is not! I read of friends and their losses too, so I know I do not struggle alone. Life is a hard journey and I am weary. Everyday I have breath I will live my best but still wonder why the load never gets lighter. I suppose I am never going to have the experiences I had hoped for, so I will settle and accept what  is.
I really feel angry at myself for all the times I compromised when I should have expected more and given more. I feel like a dog chasing his tail, I work hard and get so very little accomplished. I guess I am a slacker who compromised and this is what I deserve. Frustration is an adversary that seems to have the upper hand right now but this too shall pass and I will rise above this moment and time and recover my composure. Today is but one day in a life time and if I get the chance, I am going to change, I plan to set things right in my world at least!

Suffering

If you are a Mother you know what true suffering is. Physical pain cannot compare to the suffering you experience when you watch the children you raised become adults and fall or fail at life. Our children suffer because of choices they make or they have illnesses we cannot cure or habits we cannot take away. Yet we hope we can show them the way and we hope they will listen but in fact we are powerless. The old saying "you can lead horse to water but you cannot make him drink," is true. We can sit with them in doctors offices and take them to meetings, we can buy them every medicine and book known to man but we cannot change another person or heal our own children but we can lead by example! We can find our healing and walk out our absolute faith before them. Once there was a time when I thought my rebellion was because of my parents but in fact it was part of life called growing up and finding my own way. I blamed my parents for every crazy thing I did , truly believing what I was doing was against them and their rules but instead it was me being me. Those experiences and poor choices helped me become the woman I am and I take peace in that knowledge, hoping that what became of me will be the fate of my own offspring.
Personal suffering is hard in any form but watching those you have carried in your womb or in your heart is worse. My heart is theirs to break but the good news is I am strong and able because I have the vision to know this too shall pass. Someday they too will understand that trusting God is the only way to find themselves. So today I choose to pray instead of worry and I choose to love them even when they are making decisions I do not like. Today I will take peace in knowing if I eventually found my way .....then so will they!

One year ago

One year ago I was ill very ill. My body and mind were weary from everything, my head was in constant pain and my body was no longer under my control as it began to move and jump without my consent. One year ago I spent most all my time in a dark room with sunglasses on to protect my eyes from the light. Everything seemed so sharp that it brought instant pain and great discomfort to my eyes. My body would jolt as I lay down to sleep or whenever I tried to relax. I have never been at such a loss of control over my own physical body; I was a waste land. I could not think or reason but I knew enough to try to get help. I have a seizure disorder so I know what being out of control feels like and how much fear it can invoke but this was worse by comparison because the threat was constant, relentless. To make my long story short I ended up in the hospital for 6 days trying to find the cause of my illness. I was diagnosed with migraines but in truth  no one knows just what caused all my symptoms.
The best part of my story is the aftermath, I have started working on trusting God more. Everyday I played God in my life and in the lives of those I love and the weight of it was getting old. I am not God and in fact I need him to fix me. I am at best a good person with selfish motives and desires. I am just an ordinary run of the mill woman who needs God to give me hope and restore my vision. Every time I think I have made headway in this world I find myself failing yet again , so I need God to take me where I cannot go alone. I need God to give me love when I want to hate. I need God to hold my tongue when I want to slander and gossip. I need God to help me put one foot in front of the other when I have lost my will and my way. I need God to restore me because I am so busy judging others I cannot be effective in my testimony of his faithfulness. I need God so desperately and I am not ashamed to say all the scripture quoting in the world cannot heal me only relationship with a loving and just and forgiving God can. The illness that held me captive just one year ago can not compare to the illness of not having a relationship with my heavenly Father  could do to me. One year ago I became more aware than ever I need my Lord more than anyone or anything this world has to offer! One year ago I learned to live in the moment and that will be enough for me! One year ago I was a different woman!