My Journey

Today my hair has begun to fall out and mentally I told myself I might be the exception. As I stood before my mirror and felt the first hairs loosen at my touch tears seeped from eyes. My hair has always been full and thick and I love it, short or long. The trouble with losing my hair is this, if you see me as I am now you would never know I am sick, when I am bald I can no longer hide my battle, I shall be exposed. Let's face it no one wants to look sick or be sick for that matter but life does what it does and we make the best of it. So I shall find a way to make bald beautiful and embrace this as my extream make over! When May comes and I am done with chemo I shall emerge from my cocoon  and fly. I shall not take one day for granted, I shall enjoy everything more. Today as life marches on I will do what I must to stay full of joy and happiness, I will embrace my losses as gains. I will understand that I am better because I have endured and thrived during one of my greatest challenges of my life!

My Journey

Today I felt hair on my face when I woke, my first thought was here comes the next wave of demands. Cancer and the treatments are demanding, the saving grace, people. My journey only just begun has put me in direct contact with amazing people., people fighting the same battle. On the outside they look weak but they have strength and resolve like none I have ever seen. Their is a fear in each of their eyes but the fear is not for themselves but mostly for those who sit next to them holding their hand steading their gaite. Each person represents a family they love and this journey requires that those who love you get on the roller coaster with you. You try to keep your fear in check but you see it on the faces of those you love and you try not to react. Love is an amazing thing it gives you courage to move mountains and swim the seas to save the ones you love. Fortunate are we who are loved and love for each step we take in life someone else takes it with us, from the first one to our very last there are those who cheer us on and pray we get where we are going. Today I thank God for those who share our burdens in this life.

My Journey

In my life I have been sicker that I currently am. I have waged a war to reclaim my life and mind three years ago in fact. My conflict of health began as a young woman, once my periods started my world flipped upside down. Cramps and seizures came hand in hand, my best days were the days I was pregnant with my three children. I write not to get your sympathy or sorrow but to inform you of the life long battle I have fought to stay on the sunny side of life. My husband has endured me at my worst and loved me at my best. I have no right to complain as there are so many who have it much worse. The hormones of being female have never been kind to me with the exception of pregnancy and childbirth for then I was healthy and able to bare children with great gusto, baby #1, 10lbs 8oz, baby #2, 9lbs 10oz, baby #3, 9lbs 6 oz and all beautiful, these are my blessings. Health has been a struggle for years due in part to peri menopause, these hormones have sent me into a battle from hell. The migraines, nurological symptoms and overwhelming fatigue have been insurmountable at times but I never let that stop my life and my love for life.  I have been in battle with the most relentless giant,  my body. Today the battle continues and every factor has come back in play, I am older now and the energy it takes to overcome has put me at a distinct disadvantage but I will do my best to overcome. I pray that the wisdom that comes from growing older will help guide me into the best choices for my full recovery.
Those who read this are my friends, my request is that you would pray for me that I might make good choices concerning my health, that I might make decisions that lead to a full and absolute recovery of Heath! Thank you!

My Journey

There is something big about fighting cancer, it takes you way out of your comfort zone. It takes your body parts first then it goes after your heart and soul. I am a rebel by nature so I will not go down without a fight but it is funny my fight ain't as big as it used to be. Yesterday found me very ill, in fact   I was the sickest I have been since this journey started on October 1st. The sickness came over me in waves and left me retching on the floor but let me say there was a steel determination in me that kept me at peace during the whole process. The processes of my body were trying to rid me of Cancer and every poison thing in me and when it was over there was a clarity that came over me like none I have ever experienced. I shall do what I must till I am better and then I shall live like there is no tomorrow. I shall let go and be whole in a way I never dreamed possible. I shall walk in a peace that comes through great suffering, I shall become the woman I have always wanted to be. There is a sickness unto death but that sickness is one of the soul, the body will die but the soul is eternal and I shall rise out of these ashes with my soul intact. There something about this experience that reminds me of childbirth ......I shall travail until I am delivered from this flesh, I will labor till I am free and then I shall find the peace that comes from knowing God and His plan for my life!

My Journey

My first chemo treatment is done, I have 5 more to go and I am doing well. The fears associated with the treatment were not as bad as my imagination, so I am releaved. I am feeling thankful for each and every prayer spoken on my behalf as I am certain my strength comes as a direct result of all the love and prayers. This process has opened my eyes to a world of people who work hard everyday at just being healthy enough to live and love, some get treatments and head off to work without all the support I have experienced. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. I have family that honors me with every fiber of their being, I have never felt more loved and protected in my life. I intend to honor each of them with joy, love and respect for all they sacrifice so I can be home in full recovery mode. My sister has put me above herself by leaving home and coming here to walk with me through each step I have taken, she is my friend and life companion for all of my 54 years, there is nothing she will not do to make sure I am safe and cared for. So folks I have one job and that is to get through this and be the best I can be from this day forward, healing as fast as possible.
I did not ever think I would be a person facing Cancer but the plans we have pale in comparison to the plans of God. I am surrendered to this experience and I am going to learn everything I need too, so I might come out of this better than before. I can only hope I finish as strong as I have begun.

My journey

There is a raw anger inside that I must let go of if I am going to have a positive experience during my treatments. It seems a bit extream all the battles one must fight in a lifetime. Today I wake up angry, angry that I have made the decision to put poison in my body to keep Cancer from coming back later on in my life. Angry about all the damage the chemotherapy will do to my good cells just to keep bad cells from taking over. After going threw an extream peri-menopause I really thought I was home free, finally. Last year I had a heart exam that told me I was fit but needed to lose weight and bring my blood sugar down and I did both. Today I am angry that life just keeps mounting assault after assault against my physical body. I have always considered myself lucky in many ways but lately the struggles have been mounting. I have figured out that releasing these emotions gives me an advantage over my circumstances, so I am venting so I do not get overwhelmed. The loss of my breasts was the easiest battle I have had to face so far! For me letting go of my breasts was a decision for my health, but this whole chemo thing has me angry. Poison yourself so you can live, how does that even make sense? So here on this page I will release my anger and move forward with the plan so I might live to see my children marry and someday hold my grandchildren. I have made peace with this whole process because when you have that facts in front of you it opens your eyes to making the hard choices but still deep in the pit of my stomach I am dealing with anger. Anger might be just what I need to survive this whole ordeal and I am okay with that too. I am raw today because of my emotions, come Monday I will be raw because of chemicals burning out any remaining Cancer! Good news is emotions do not rule, logic and knowledge shall keep me focused and moving forward to my full and complete recovery!

My Journey

How does one live without faith? How does one put one foot in front of the other when they only believe in the things seen? I could not go forward without the hope of God and the possibility of seeing my loved ones again. Yesterday my son confessed he doesn't believe in God and my sorrow for him grew. He once told me he was gay and I embracd him and said that is okay but when he told me he no longer believes in God my heart hurt for him. There is a dispare that he is experiencing because he no longer has faith and that dispare is overwhelming him, he is angry and thinks running away  to live somewhere else will make his life better. I decare nothing but the intimate knowledge of Christ will bring him joy. I declare that of all the things I hoped to pass on to him in this life Christ is  the greatest of ALL. My heart feels heavy with dispare for my son because he is struggling alone without the beauty of the risen Saviour living in his heart. I have known since he was home there was a darkness he was fighting against. So here is my prayer for you, son.
Father in the name of Jesus walk with my boy, even when he rejects you be his ever present help in his time of trouble. Let him feel your love Lord even if he rejects it. Give him a peace that comes from knowing you. Take the blinders from his eyes and open them that he might see your goodness and mercy right here and right now. Lord his dispare is great and he drinks to ease it, please let him call on you and find peace in you and you alone. Lord this beautiful son you have given me has a sickness much worse than anything physical , please heal him and bring him back to the place of truth and understanding. Father redeem you boy back to you and forgive me for anything I have done to fail him and you. Father I thank you that you loved him before me and you love him more than me. I thank you that you seek him out for fellowship just as the Shepard seeks the lost sheep, so I shall rest in the knowledge that he is yours! Help every lost soul find their way home to you Lord that they may know your peace and experience fellowship that changes and transforms the heart of man with a love so profound that they become a new creation. Thank you Lord for you love. In Jesus name I ask these things. Amen

My Journey

Each day presents itself with new conditions and the only constant is me. How will I conduct myself? Will I be of a sound mind or will I give into my fears? Questions only I can answer. Fear is a dominating force when facing the unknown and keeping that fear in check is the most important thing one can do. In truth death is a daily threat to all of us young and old but fear will tell each of us we are execptional and our death will be harder than all the others before us. Watching someone die is much like watching birth, it is labor.  We either manage our emotions while navigating the struggle or we fall apart the choice is ours. Keeping active helps me manage my state of mind best, being out in the cold with the wind nipping at my face brings my attention fully forward and present. I find the best way to live is fully present and accounted for. The challenge life has thrown at me today is mine and I must keep a level head and trust the process while keeping my heart and mind on all that is important. I am one person, one speck of humanity, one blip in time so I must make my moment a good moment, fully engaged in my corner of this world. Today matters so in whatever way possible I will be a life force that fully engages with all those God places in my path, I will try not to get caught up in the details but find my hope and strength and share it with others. I pray for each of us we become better with each sunrise for time is short and our part in this history of time is quickly coming to a close.

My Journey

Happy New Year, 2015, what will this year hold for me and mine? The year has begun and I am hopeful for all it brings. Last year at its very start I set goals for my health, I wanted to lower my blood sugar and my weight, my blood sugar is down and my weight is down by 30 pounds, so I declare success. This new year presents me with new health issues and I feel certain I shall overcome them  as well.
This year I want to live a more honest life. I want to give of myself to others but not out of obligation, out of love. I want to experience Joy and laughter again like I did as a child. I want a liberty in life I lost as I grew up and became a wife, mother, and business owner. I want to live in each and every moment with those present, not thinking of anything but what stands before me. I am declaring myself free from this moment on. I am free to be happy and love in a way I have forgotten. I am free to walk about on this earth with no agenda, living one day at a time.  I shall live giving the very thing I seek, liberty, in this way I shall truly be free. My body may hold me captive to an illness I did not see coming but my mind and my spirit shall be free so soar over the year ahead and find each and every special moment and hold them near and dear to my heart. I am going to find joy, I am going to explore, I am going to love when given the chance and I am going to experience freedom in a way I never dreamed possible this year, for I am free to chose my attitude over each and everyday. May you too find what matters most in this year of possibilities!