Lost and found !

I am losing myself it seems. My words are trapped in my head and my mouth will not let me speak them. If I lose my ability to express myself what shall I become? Words are life to me. words are song without the music. Words give expression to every human feeling and idea. My words are going to leave me I fear. Everyday I'm becoming more and more separated from them. My mind is washed with frustration because I can't put them into order, the letters that make logic or sense are all jumbled inside my head. I will not be afraid what is happening I will decide it is a chance to relate to so many who before now seemed so simple and so far away. I can't be sure if this is something I will come back from or is this the journey I am destined to take? Who knows but God Himself and He is silent as well. I will not be afraid of my silence but I will embrace it. The burden I may become to others, will not cause me to fear either. I know I am loved and that love shall be enough to sustain me till my Father calls me home!

Wulff family

Merry Christmas and a very Joyous New Year !
Well there goes and here comes another year, tell me how and why the world must move so fast? Maybe just maybe I am getting slower, no it is time, clocks are going faster, trust me on this! Our family has much to be thankful for, truly we feel loved and honored by each of you and hope we make you feel the same!
Our family business is still up and running and after 16 years we are still able to provide service to our community and contribute to the economy. John is officially part owner now and he has been able to take a load off his Dad and Me as well. We feel so blessed to have him there! He is a good man much like his father.
Chase is living in New York City and really seems to have adjusted to city life. He has a new apartment and shares it with Alexandra Bouchard , she is a friend from Salisbury , Chase attended her prom with her and Abby has been friends with her since 9th grade. Their apt. seems more like a home now and that is refreshing, for all parents concerned . Chase works at a restaurant called" Hells Kitchen" but not the one on TV and he is happy. The future is full of possibilities and Chase is finding the challenges liberating!
Abigale has moved back home and attending college, her course of study is physical therapy. With all of Abby's back ground in gymnastics and sports along with all her personal injuries we think physical therapy is the perfect fit! She has created a few wedding cakes but only for personal friends. She still dreams of owning a restaurant some day. I laugh because she is a dreamer just like me and her presence is a joy most always.
Our family is blessed for all we have and all we have lost. This year we had to say goodbye to Mom ( Beth Wulff ), by far this has been one of the most difficult things we as a family have ever had to experience. Tho we said goodbye for now, we will always be reminded of her and her love and dedication to us. She made our world a better place so when we reflect we will always smile even when our hearts feel pierced by our loss. Mom would be disturbed if we made too much over her , she never wanted or demanded anything of us only "KISSES". Mom you will never be gone as long as we carry your love with us!
Brad and I feel fortunate for the years we have shared with each other. Our relationship has only deepened with age. We are a good match and feel happy we had such good fortune to find each other so young. The days ahead look only sweeter.
We pray this year finds each of you full of gratitude for the ones you love. May you days be full of grace and mercy and may you always take the time to reflect at the end of the day and give thanks for those God has given you to love. May you always take time to dream and share your dreams with the ones you love. May laughter always fill your homes and the joy of the Lord be your strength for now and ever more!
Merry Christmas from
the Wulff house

Brad -man of my dreams

Brad Wulff came into my life when I was 16 years old as a classmate. Our entire junior year of high school I think I may have heard him say 10 words, as for me he thought I was a loud mouth because well, I like to express myself and that was about the time I was finding my voice. He was nice and cute in the big old clumsy athlete kind of way, he was tall ,big hands and feet like a puppy who was just not quite comfortable in this big dog body!
We were never friends just acquaintances. That year he sat with the guys on one side of our drama class and I sat with Kim Butler on the other side. I still find it hard to believe I never saw anything more than a nice guy, when I looked at him.
Well our junior year came to a close and we had our first face to face encounter. He was pissed off by something I did during the performance part of our acting exam. Long story short I said I was sorry and gave him my number and told him to call and we could hang out. Summer began and he never called. July found me on SnowHill rd. at the 7/11 where I saw his brother Kurt and spoke to him , well low and behold his father was in the store too. His Dad and I spoke for a while when he said I should call Brad some time , I told him Brad had my number he should call me. A few days went by and Brad rode by my house where I flagged him down. We had a real conversation in his car and went on our first date that night. I need to express that we had not had any real chemistry between us up and until we sat face to face and talked. When he kissed me the first real kiss I knew I found a man of passion and a gentleness I had never experienced, I had kissed many boys but none kissed as good as he. Truly we became inseparable. I knew he was the love of my life not to very long after we began dating, it took him longer to figure the whole thing out but I had time, I was only 17. Brad and I have grown from adolescence to adults together and I am blessed to have taken this journey with him.
I feel like he gives me strength to be more than I thought possible. He makes me want to be a better person. Our children sealed the deal and we became more than lovers we became a family. I write this history here today to celebrate our 31 wedding anniversary and to say I can only hope there are many more to come! When I was 17 I wrote my name as Mrs. Brad Wulff not knowing that his name would be mine and the one I gave my children as well ! The man of my dreams was only a boy when I first met him but he has become the kind of man I always dreamed of marrying.
Happy Anniversary to the love of my life !

Christmas this year !

This year Christmas will be different. Many things have changed since my last. I am not the same as I was in the past, life has caused me to see the world quite different. My children have moved away and moved back. My husband has moved away and back , not in the literal sense but you get the picture, we all go through changes. I am no longer the silly carefree girl many of you once knew either. I am changed, by the loss of loved ones and struggles of life in every area of my existence. I miss the old me sometimes the one who made Christmas the high point of the year but I also take comfort in this woman who no longer needs to try and make her world perfect. The energy I had as a young Mom was so different from the energy I lack now but because I am lacking I am able to see what really matters. Today my world is smaller than it ever has been and that in part is because my health will not permit me to do more or even go more. I am restricted from driving and that has slowed everything down to something I can better manage. The women in life I have always admired most, never had cars or a drivers license but they had time and thoughts and the opportunity available to pray for those in need. Money was never anything they had much of either, but full of grace and joy and love were they. I believe my losses are really my own personal gain. I am stepping out of the rat race and letting the world rush on by. I am becoming someone who I can respect , someone who has the time of day to be a friend to whom ever needs one. I am growing old with grace and I hope beauty that can only come from suffering great loss, for the greatest sin I can imagine is to not have learned anything from life, when we have had so much then begin to lose those people, things, experiences and abilities we once took for granted. I count all I have lost as gain for the fact that I am so much more than I once was. Letting go suits me well , holding on strangles my creativity and snuffs life out of living, so I am going to be free from my ideal Christmas and let joy, not gifts, dominate. I am going to be free from the burden of expectation and embrace the moments with the ones I love instead! Merry Christmas to you and yours, hope your Christmas is full of joy and fellowship without all the other trappings!

Christmas this year !

Keeping up with me!

I am so blessed !I have more than I deserve and I know it! We sometimes think we have less than we deserve but really do we? I have more than I ever dreamed possible ,yet there are times I want more and even think I deserve more. I have often wondered why some people get the big house, the fine cars and clothes and all the trappings and then I remember that isn't who I am. I am a simple girl with simple wishes. I wouldn't want the headaches that come with a 5000 $ mortgage. I wouldn't want to have the burden of living up to any ones expectations, "like keeping up with the Jones", except my own. I am pleased thinking of the day my mortgage will no longer be a burden and helping my children every chance I get! The mall is my closet and to tell you the truth I stroll thru it once in a while and don't see much I like, so there it remains. I have most all I need and when I want more I get it.
In life I have noticed people with lots of stuff fret over that stuff. People with less are not so encumbered and laugh out loud a little more often ! Liberty comes thru reaching out and taking it . The mind is where our wealth is centered, wealth is a thought process not a number in our bank account. I know people who have it all and they are still not satisfied and I know of others who have nothing and they are not satisfied either. Joy in life and living comes from the heart. I will choose to find my joy here and now, not in what I have or where I live or what I wear but in who I am! I am good how about you ?

I surrender all

Shall I mourn my greatest friend? My body has taken me down paths of righteousness ,that had I been healthy all the days of my life I would have never journeyed and for that I am grateful. I am convinced that illness can be a tool by which we are made more open to transforming into a more loving, understanding and compassionate version of ones self. Illness can bring us to our knees and the battle is about surrender not perfect health, not even about living or dying. Over the years I have had to surrender my body to many things but nothing as relentless as this sickness that is determined to make me yield to its mental and physical anguish. I owe so much to my body's failures, because my body fails me I have had to be introspective; I could never look to far into the future because in fact I never felt sure I had one. The gift of this relentless battle between me and my physical short comings made me look to God and develop that relationship. The failure of the flesh has served my soul well, I am more than I could ever have been had I been born perfect. I say thank you to God for allowing this disorder be my companion in life, even tho it strikes terror in my heart and mind when it threatens me and even when I am disabled by it, it forces me to be it's servant but it cannot keep the servant from learning wisdom and truth and humility every time it whips me. I am so much more than I could or should be and all because I have had to be a slave to a disorder that can and most likely will rob me of my life but can it really rob me of anything? No! I used it to learn and I let its constant presence keep me full, full of life itself. I am full to the very core of my being because I squeeze every possible moment and get the most life out of it! I see everything as a chance to bring new eyes , fresh eyes with which I will view the world. I see the world everyday in a new and different way because I know anyday is possibly my last. I am the winner here , I have lost nothing as a result of having a body that made me stop and smell the roses. So in retrospect My body and all its short comings has been my greatest teacher. I am in awe that what some may say is unfortunate is in fact great fortune! I am slave only to what my mind tells me, so I have decided I will use every misfortune as an opportunity to learn and grow in wisdom and truth. I am evolving into the woman I am and would have been if the world was a perfect place! I am growing in love and respect for all God has given me , even a broken soul can touch the hearts of others if it will surrender to the hand of God! I surrender all !

As brain disorders go !

Today I saw my neurologist, blessed am I to have this woman treat me and really care about me. I explained to her how much trouble I am having with my speech and coordination , memories and forgetfulness. She put my heart and mind at ease. Every symptom is the result of seizures I am having right in the moment. Let me let you all in on something that I wasn't aware of, all my life I have had the kind of seizures that put me on the ground, loss of consciousness and loss of all body functions, but only for about a minute. My recovery time 2 days of sleeping and rest. Truth be told because I did not have convulsive body movement I always thought they were not as bad as lots of other people but I throw up while unconscious , defecate and urinate all without any ability to control when and where and how. I have been able to keep others from ever witnessing them by running to the bathroom just before my seizure hits, because I am one of the lucky ones I have an aura or warning, mine is a sinking feeling in my gut.
Well I have heard of partial seizures but never considered them as part of my disorder and to be truthful it has only been this year that I have allowed myself to say the word epilepsy when referring to my illness, seizure disorder sounds much nicer. Funny how family will help you live in denial because we never want to say out loud the word " Epilepsy"or it may be true. Well I am now actively having partial seizures which are the reason for the post made earlier this week. Partial seizures do not throw me to the ground but they affect my speech and memory, even make me weak and sleepy just as if I had a grand-mal seizure. My fear and anxiety levels have been on overdrive as a direct result of this. The change in my disorder has a direct correlation to the hormone levels dropping due to peri-menopause. Relief is in sight if I can get the correct medication to keep the seizures in check. I am on the mend. I will be having an MRI because of weakness and slower response on my right side, this test can also reveal if I have a lot of scarring due to past and present seizures. So the journey into my brain continues and I am its captive audience, feel free to join me on my expedition ! Happy days are here again !

Changing !

I grew up wanting something different than what I had. I really thought it was possible to change the world. I thought I could bring about great changes. The world has it all upside down , we value things more than people, we judge rather than accept. I know change has happened but not because of me, in spite of me. I wanted to be like Mother Theresa or Ida Beauchamp or Annabelle Messick, all women I admire, one a saint,my grandmother and my elderly confident-best friend. Well turns out I am me and the only thing I can do is share with others what these women inspired in me.
I think we are all sold a false bill of goods coming into this world. Everyone is not going to get to be someone renowned. The best we can hope is we become better and to inspire ourselves. The best we can hope for is to find our voice and use it sparingly. We should walk the walk and let our life reflect the example we really want it too ! My words are shallow but my actions they are the depth of me. If you want to know me do not look at my empty shallow words watch me and how I treat people. I am in a constant state of learning and I hope I do not miss one lesson along the way. Life is so much fuller if we keep our hearts and minds open to learning.
Life teaches us over and over that we need to love more and worry less. We need to make the people we love feel how very valuable they are to us. I have learned that I must give away the very things I want most , so that I can receive my share. I want love and acceptance so I need to extend it. I want relationship and companionship then that is what I must be.
The world was once flat because that is how people saw it, I suppose then if I want my world to be different I need to view it with fresh new eyes or flat it shall be! I am changing one day at a time and hopefully I too will become more than flat and void of height and depth but fear not for I am CHANGING!

Epilepsy

Most of my life I have had to struggle with seizures. Seizures come most often right before the onset of my menses, except now, random events have been plaguing me for years, since the onset of Peri-menopause. I am writing because I need to preserve some memories before they are lost.
Six years ago started this battle in my brain. The reason I set apart the time is because before this I could feel most seizures before they came, so I would be more careful and rest and put off seizures by taking better care of myself. Most every seizure was during my waking hours, sleep was my escape, I found safety in sleep, not so anymore but most likely that is when they begin. During every pregnancy I went off all medications because the meds posed more risk to my babies than seizures did to me. I noticed that during pregnancy or delivery I never had a seizure. My theory is when pregnant I ate better, rested more and generally took better care of myself for the sake of my unborn child. Bad cramps or any abdominal pain is usually the precursor to a seizure but labor pain did not bring the on!
So in the last 6 years everything has changed, prior to these years I have never had to go to the hospital due to seizures but in fact I have been 5 times at present. I am remembering so as to preserve information that may help me in the future or maybe even others.
My brain has been on fire with over stimulation for the past 6 years, I am losing current and past memories. People tell me things we did and it feels like they are speaking of a stranger. I see people I have known for years and they talk as if I should remember them and I am at a loss. My seizure disorder is left temporal lobe which is where memories are stored, so that explains most of my losses.
Most all my life I have had grand-mal seizures, so when all these news partial seizures started firing off in my brain.......I had no idea what was happening. My new Doctor asked me if other people were complaining about my behavior and I said yes, they say I don't pay attention when they speak or I have begun stuttering ( never done this before), I stare off into space, lose track of time and have right sided loss of coordination. Sometimes I wake biting my cheek or tongue and just recently I have been having myoclonic jerks. My body is having involuntary movement originating in my pelvis almost like a hiccup. These symptoms are not painful but very disconcerting. So I have decided to begin writing them down and preserve them so as to keep an accurate record of my decline or recovery which ever it may be. I want to record information that maybe someone will read and be comforted by or even give insight to doctors who treat people like me. I am going to keep all this public for now, unless it makes my children uncomfortable.
I feel like I am losing my ability to communicate as well and that is why I will keep posting and rewriting and what-ever necessary to explain what it feels like to live with this disease or disorder whatever you choose to call it !
Typing also helps keep both sides of the brain communicating ! I need that too ! So for now I will stop but as things happen I will be updating my blog and keeping record of my life with Epilepsy

Thanksgiving is a wonderful holiday. Really there is no pretense with it. We come together family and friends to say how very thankful we are. No gifts are required only your place at the table. Many are the people who forget to stop and be thankful.
Even when someone you love is missing there is always a reason to give thanks.
I am thankful for the crazy little family Brad and I raised. My children are not like most , they indeed are unique, many may even say strange but I prefer to think that they just are like the parents that raised them. I do believe our family is special because we do not try to force each individual to conform, no truly we celebrate our differences. I know some other families seem so much more put together, they have doctors, lawyers and even architects at the table but I myself am satisfied with the current status. I am never in a rush to get to where we are going because the journey has so much to see and be experienced. Well my table this year will have 9 in all, this is a small gathering and that is the way I like it. Chase my son who lives in NYC will be absent but thankfully his Jersey Grandma, "Jane" by choice, has included him at her table of about 20. My mother-in-law Beth will only be present in the spirit of the love and DNA she left present in those she loves. So this year will be different but wonderful I am sure.
People come together on Thanksgiving to relax with one exception, the one preparing the food and the home for guests. I think preparing food for this celebration is a task where hopefully the heart of the one doing all the work is in a constant state of blessing. Blessing everything the hand touches so that every morsel consumed will create an atmosphere of love and joy and peace. I started writing today with so many thoughts I had to change my game plan, so what I hope you most get out of these words is to celebrate with a pure heart. Do not put to much pressure on yourselves to have everything perfect but instead celebrate the mishaps. Enjoy the time together and take a long walk after your meal and really give thanks to the creator for all He has blessed you with, I know that is what I will purpose to do in my heart right here right now! HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

My final party !

When I die, I want my body donated for research, ( epilepsy, endometriosis, psorisis......etc.) When they have used it up they have my permission to use me to fertilize a garden of flowers as one of my passions is gardening ! Do not send flowers tho please send your flowers to someone in my honor or donate to Hospice or habitat. I would like a celebration of my life, meaning the people I love even my animals. I want a dinner party where my family feels special and loved by those in attendance, must serve lots of chocolate and even dance as it is my favorite other thing to do ! I want beautiful music that reflects my love of God and people and life. I want the sharing of scripture but make it personal , not some stoic words that doesn't reflect me and even some remarks from family and friends.........please feel free to remain seated if you have nothing good to say, LOL !!! I do not want some dismal service with too much order........ if your baby cries well so be it cause that is life ! Now if some one decides to place a marker in my honor please make sure it says, " I told you I didn't feel good!" Well I think that about covers it with one small exception, I have requested someone help me record a few songs that everyone must stay and listen to before receiving their party favor of a giant size Hershey bar or M&M's with or without nuts, departing gift ! If you will not do it my way I will haunt your thoughts while waiting for your arrival just inside the pearly gates.

Honor

Honor is something the dictionary describes like this, high regard or great respect given. Well yesterday a number of people came out to show honor and respect to my Mother-in-law, Beth Wulff. Mom's passing was difficult and took a great deal of time.The last 2 years of her life were a constant struggle to feel satiated with a normal breath for her and those watching. Mom worked hard to be all she could to all of us and her attempts at life and living did not go unnoticed.


Honor is something Beth had more of than most and that is because she gave more than most. I think of every child she graced with care and tenderness while she calmed their fears and anxieties and dressed their wounded hearts and knees. My Mother-in-law never wanted to be the center of attention she felt happy letting others take that spot. When you think of humanity at its very finest you can picture her and you will know the face of real beauty. I feel honored that I was able to be a small part of her life and I am changed as a result. My life is better because she was an influence. She influenced me to always honor my husband and children. She taught me to carry my self with honesty and to live a life full of forgiveness and trust. Many are the people who will cross my path but few will teach me as much as she has. So today I will live here in this moment and I will be respectful and bring honor to the name we shared. I will always strive to carry on in her likeness and she will always have my undying love and honor!

Life and death

Living and dieing are the hardest things we will ever do. I believe their is a good reason babies come into the world crying. The moment in time when they must fully separate from the safety of the womb is harsh, much like life. I love my life but I believe the complexity of life cannot be under estimated. People walk out their journey and really never contemplate its end. Contemplation is something I do and often. I have always thought about eternity and felt how very arrogant we must seem to our creator when we walk everyday living as tho our tomorrows will never end. How very presumptuous we are when we think it happens to others not me. Well I know in fact we are all facing death and I choose to see it as another adventure in life, a continuation not a final curtain, so I read and investigate everything I can about it.
Over time many of the people I love have died and left me to face the world without them, this has angered me at times and sometimes I have felt relief when I have had to let go because the struggle to live was greater than the quality of the life left to live. The ones that leave sudden and unexpected make for the greatest amount of anger. We never seem prepared or ready to let go, ever. When we watch any one suffer and die the letting go becomes a tiny bit easier. We do not want to watch those we love suffer in any way, so letting go becomes necessary, never easy. The older we get the more accepting we become of the loss, for us it is a matter of order. The older one is when they pass the more acceptable it seems, do we devalue our lives with age or do we grow weary and restless and ready for the move upward? This is a question we must ask and I ask myself often as I want to know the mysteries of life and death. I believe that dieing is a continuation of life not the end! I believe just because we cannot see our loved ones doesn't mean they no longer exist. Maybe you say this is a coping mechanism , well in fact I suppose it could be but in fact historically many documents support my thoughts. The Bible is one such document and let me confirm that I believe what it says, I believe it to the core of my humanity. God has created man in His image and if God exists forever why would He make us in His image and let us be any less? Food for thought I guess. I am comfortable with my own demise it is just letting others go that I am most uncomfortable with. So today as I am forced to deal with losing another love of my life and let me say; I will not be afraid for her , I will see her as I imagine myself someday in the presence of God our Father, the Creator of the worlds, learning the mysteries of life ever after !

Normal everyday Heroes !

I have lived long enough to know real Heroes have no capes! They come in many forms tall , short , stocky, thin ,male and female. The real life heroes work jobs , marry and raise families. Real heroes die in the end! I love my heroes! God has placed so many in my life I know He thinks I am in special need of them.
My husband has many flaws as have I but he is probably the greatest in my book. He loves me and our children and our extended families. He makes sacrifices everyday to make my life a wonderful place to be and for him I am eternally grateful.
Today my Mother-in-law is dieing and she has always been one of my heroes. She breathes labored as it is, but she holds on so we as her family have ample time to make peace. I love her and hope I have honored her by honoring her son and family. She is my Hero!
My Father-in-law has done everything in his power to care for his wife and he is my hero too! He also takes care of his family like he is still in the prime of his life but in truth he is almost 80. WE all take advantage of his generosity and love, he is what a hero looks and acts like!
My siblings thru marriage are my heroes as well they each are suffering thru these difficult days by being there for each other and for their parents. They are the product of love and kindness and all that is necessary if you want to be someones hero!
My family of origin has been especially uplifting for me as well. My nieces and nephews are the best ....... all of them ( both sides including the ones who married in).
I realize that a humans heart is what makes a man or woman a Super Hero! Love is essential to being a hero and it is stronger than steel. Love can leap over miles and touch those that need it most. Love is the reason we have supernatural powers, not capes or flashy leotards.
If you desire to be a super HERO then love others the way you want to be loved and you to will have supernatural power enough to become the next super Hero !
Family is a great place to start training people to become Heroes! I know my children have already shown the mercy, tenderness and compassion that it takes to be super heroes as well! Love is the secret weapon, I don't know of anything stronger, so exercise your heart and let it make you so strong that you don't need any other type of strength. Do all it takes to make your family one more for the books! I know mine is making history right now!

In sickness and in health ,I am special

Trying to prepare yourself for a bad diagnosis is not easy and lets face it being sick in any capacity sucks. You tell yourself it could be many things and they do not have to be horrible but you go to a field hockey game and no one there but you has your symptom. You enter a restaurant that is packed and not one person there is struggling to stay on a stool or stand. That is when you realize whatever your illness it is quite special! Well I am special and why would my illness be other wise. Everyday I rise and say how can I make this day special? I try to make every person I speak with know at that moment in time nothing is more important than they are. I believe if we treat people with love and respect we get it back 10 fold and I know this is true in my life. I truly have felt loved beyond reason. Only a few times in my life have I ever envied another and that was in my youth and mostly over things I could not afford. I love who I am ,I love the people I come from, and I love life. So if I am handed a bad prognosis so be it, I have had a better life than most so who am I to complain if things get rough in the end? I would be a spoiled child to complain. I am a daughter, sister,WIFE, MOTHER, niece, cousin, Aunt and friend to many, I am A Blessed woman! I know this may all sound mellow dramatic and maybe it is but either way I believe God does what is necessary to get our attention and remind us of the things that matter. Living life with joy and a grateful heart matter, loving others matters , being in fellowship with God matters! So pray whatever comes my way I remember how blessed I have been to walk out my life with each of you and I have loved and been loved! I have been given everything so who am I to complain ? I won't bore you but I have had the best life you could ask for and I am not about to give that up NOW !!!

I write today under the influence of seizure medication administered to me on top of my normal dosage. Yesterday and for the past 3 days I have been have tremors, large tremors that almost keep me from standing. I have no idea where they came from or why, all I know is when I went to bed last night it was as if I were jumping in the bed. Brad called my new neurologist and she said take me to the ER.
My body has a mind of it's own lately and I am trying to figure out how to live in it. I had a break down on the way to the hospital and sobbed the deepest sob ever. I felt like my body was no longer mine. I thought if it could do this to me what else could and would it do to me.
I think of myself as a very stable person but it seems the monster within was just hacking away at my resolve.
I have been having some neurological problems for a while but when you are an epileptic woman going through menopause, you kind of stack it up to one of those. Well let me reassure you tremors have never been an issue till now. They became pretty violent before Brad took me to the hospital. They found no reason for them so they medicated me with more of my current meds. and sent me home. So here I am wondering what is going on within my body and thankful for the moment I am OK ! I am afraid this blog my be the place I record my decline!Please understand I am not seeking your sympathy just trying to keep track of certain patterns in my health!My memorie has become terrible too !
Moralof the story take good care of yourself and laught as often as possible !

24 hours

How many times have you lived out 24 hours of complete and utter misery? I have wasted so many days I can not begin to tell you of them all. Take these past few weeks, months, well really years. I have been feeling really poorly and when I say that I mean my head and body have been out of harmony, on a level most would never understand.So I started having tremors that were waking me and memory problems, speech problems, truly the list could go on but you get the picture, so I read everything to educate myself so when I arrived at the Dr.s office I be an informed patient. I wanted nothing to shock or surprise me , truthfully devastate me is more like it. I spent hours researching my symptoms and they all came back to this one disease. Well long story short ,I decided to see a new neurologist and take the news like a big girl. The greatest thing happened I walked into an office full of women who embraced me and made me know I was a priority. The Dr. informed me she did not suspect Parkinson's disease but in-fact thought my seizure disorder had changed and now I am having different types of seizures. I know to some of you this may not sound like much of a trade off but for me I know seizures they have been my lifelong companion, so big sigh of relief. I am getting tested and medicines added but all in all I know I can do this! So the 24 hours it took to get into the Dr. office changed my life and for the better. I guess the moral of my story is listen to your body it is speaking to you and be careful what you read because you may draw conclusions that worry you more than the actual facts will, so 24 hours later and I am on the road to recovering my mind from the pit it had dug !!! Hope all is well in the brain you are working with !

Epilepsy is my disorder !

Today I visited my new neurologist . This was significant because I called yesterday and they said their first appointment available would not be till Dec. 7 th., I told them I would take it as I was in trouble and I needed help. Sometimes you have to accept what is, so as to receive what is possible. Needless to say 1 hour later I got a call and I was in, in less than 24 hours. I have shared that I have a seizure disorder and I thought I had it under control. Well for a while now I have been plagued by all kinds of neurological symptoms, to many to mention. I have felt some serious concern and had to work through my doubts and fears. I am really not afraid of death so much as having to live in a body that robs me of my ability to think and reason. The physical handicaps are more than enough to get a handle on but to me losing my ability to write and think and encourage others would be devastating. Brad and I have been very fearful but hopeful, which has caused us to really bond on a deep level, my husband is my HERO !
I write because I am relieved and happy that something can be done to help me. Oh and by the way most all the stuff I was blaming on perimenopause was in fact my seizure disorder, hope all the women I have scared with my stories can take some peace in that! The good news is my Dr. is a seizure disorder specialist , so folks Pam is about to get re-educated on all the things seizure! So I posted this because a few people knew I was having problems and I wanted to let them know I am OK ! Pray for me please, and in that prayer give thanks for all God has done for me and all He continues to teach with Epilepsy

All it means to be human

The words I write bring me comfort and I can only hope they do the same for others. My life's greatest desire is to write a book that exposes the rawness of my soul and thereby my humanity. I believe if I tear down all the pretense any person reading my words will relate on some level. Humanity is not male nor female , black or white, gay or straight, no in fact humanity is our very soul . Humanity is that raw love and hurt that at times in life make us cry out for joy or sorrow. I am human and thereby able to love. In my truest humanity I can give of myself when my flesh is weak and unwilling. Watch a Mother when she is protecting her children and you will see her soul fully exposed. I remember when my son told me he was gay and I knew the attacks he may face within my own family. I became more because he needed me to be all that a mother is. I told everyone reject him, lose me too. Humanity protects and cares about everyone, it is what makes us more than just flesh and blood. I have made a decision to walk in the strength of my soul and the spirit God has given me. I will no longer allow myself to be an emotional wimp tossed about by every emotion under the sun but instead I will rise above these emotions and become more ! I write these words because I have a passion for life and I want to give what I am able so when I am no longer present these words will comfort those I leave behind! Man is an active moving breathing creature but he is more , he is a conscience and thoughts. I want my thoughts and words to be out in the universe so they may bring comfort and peace to hurting souls. I need to release my thoughts and words out into the world so I can bring peace and healing to my own soul.
Life needs to be more about living and breathing and not so much doing. When I take myself out of the rat race I find the ability to touch my own soul through releasing the things hidden in the recesses of my mind, were it not for those quiet moments, where I steal away, all these things would be lost even to me. So today I am taking time to find the things that make me want to be more than flesh and blood and emotions. Today I search to find all it means to be made in the likeness of God, human in form but godlike in my humanity !

My Mother

Growing up I had a difficult time in my home! I was quiet and easy going among a tribe of Indians. My 4 brothers were strong and able, smart and handsome, my sister was 8 years older and more of a mother figure, she was a great athlete too and never at a loss to share her opinion. My Mother and Father were young when they married and filled their home to well over its capacity. My Father was my buddy we were kindred in spirit and he always saw that I was cut from a different cloth than my Mom and sister. Mom and I never saw anything eye to eye, so it made for a very complicated relationship at best. Growing up I did not value many things about Mom, I was very critical and angry for the most part and she was the focus of most all my anger.

Well in time all things change ! I have a respect for her I never thought possible. My Mom has overcome so many of life's trials, ones that most people can't imagine. My Mother has overcome losing my father , her parents and many siblings along with countless friends. She has overcome a bypass surgery of 5 vessels in her heart only 16 years later at the age of 76 to have a major stroke and almost fully recover from that. This woman who the neurologist told me would never live independent again well she dares to defy all the odds against her and she has pushed her body past the limits anyone thought possible! She amazes me, if I am 1/2 the woman she is I will accomplish many things in my life and I didn't mention her raising 6 children and all the accidents and ER visits and hospital stays that included. She has also accompanied her grandchildren thru many scary situations , medical and other wise, even driving great grandchildren to hospitals in other states for care. I came to my Mom to deliver the news that I have a gay child and this farmers daughter and truck drivers wife with 4 heterosexual sons said well I love him and I will be here for him as long as I have a breath in my body. She gained my respect there , deep down I was afraid she would reject him and thereby me but no she didn't. Part of me thought she would wonder if I failed as a Mother but she still to this day she I am one of the greatest Mothers she knows! Well I will have to say I am only what I am because I was raised by a woman who made her family her life. My Mother is strong and confident and she makes me feel like I have a lot to live up to and I feel proud of her and I just wanted to put into words how very much I respect her and love her! God is a good God because He has opened my eyes to see something more beautiful in her , her faith in me has made me want to be more ! Her love and unyielding faith in me have dominated my life and made me better. I thank God for all He gave me in Betty Kate Ray Beauchamp and I would not change a thing, she is the best Mother ever!

Living while growing older !

Facing my senior years is a scary thought. I have always been young at heart but deeply in love with the elders in my family. I remember feeling like I would never grow old but funny when going to retrieve the mail the other day , I got my AARP card and it was then and there that I recalled that older people got those. Well much to my surprise I am now old enough to carry my own and get serious discounts at hotels which is quite important because now that I am older I can afford to travel. Funny tho when I look at my husband I see the same guy I fell in love with at 17 years of age, hold up that really isn't true because I like this cute guy in front of me more than that awkward boy. Brad has only grown more and more handsome with time and I am blessed that I can still call him mine! So aging has served him well !
I am not sure if I understand this whole aging thing and how it is suppose to work. I want to run and explore the world just as it did when I left my parents home for the first time. The only true clue to aging is this body that wants to hold onto every ounce I eat and attach it to my hips, ass and stomach. Now mind you when I was young I ate 3 to 4 times as much food and that is no joke and I managed to keep my weight at a healthy place. Now I eat a third of what I ate just 10 years ago and my weight still climbs! This is the aging process and this part stinks! My body is doing things that no normal body should and I am doing my part to stop it but this old tent just ain't what it use to be but somehow I have never been more at home here! I love what aging has done to my personality, I am by far the best version of myself right here and right now. I love who I am today I have become my own best friend , I speak in a much kinder tone even when I fail to do something right, I love this about being older. So today I will take one step at a time and press into my senior years with great curiosity , I will face the decline in my body with much respect but I will do everything in my power to resist it's faults. I will try not to let all my conversations be about how I feel. I will read and challenge my mind with everything possible. If life tries to stop me it will but only when I have done all that is possible by taking great care of myself. I want to live till I die and I want to die while living ! I want to give to everything I can so when I take my last breath I will feel no remorse ! I want an opportunity to live a life that others can say they respected.
Today I face some personal challenges that I can not speak of but let me assure you if I use my time right this too will only serve to make my life more meaning full !

Life ain't always what you think it aught to be!

I am often surprised by life. It changes on a constant basis. I am a person who loves order and work best with my life somewhat scheduled out but the rotation of the world and everyday circumstances could care less about my need for order. I hope to mellow with age and that means for me letting go of all kinds of things stored in my head . My mind seems to be on the road to self distruction right now. I fear sometimes I am losing the ability to remember. I reason pretty well . Contemplation is one of the many things I find enjoyable but lately I feel like a man, not fully present ! People will be talking to me and I have not heard a word they have said, why you ask because I am thinking of the flowers I want to plant or something of that nature. My thoughts are so free they run thru my mind any time they please, with no regaurd for the person standing there talking to me. This life i am living is a bit different than the one I thought I would be living, at least right here right now. My life is truly becoming more and more detached from everyone and in some ways giving more than ever. I know every thing I speak of could be costrued as a oxy-moron and I suppose that is what i am trying to say. I am free yet not, I am lost but somehow found. These words sould bring comfort but I fear they will just open your eyes to how very confused I am at this time in my life. I have always deep in the recesses of my mind been a free soul and today that freedom is pushing itself into my reality. I am thinking of and becoming satisfied with the simplicity that has become my life. I had always hoped to be someone great like "Mother Theresa" or " Ida Beauchamp", but I wake each day to find I am just a woman who has raised a family and loved one man all her life. The simplicity is striking when you think of all the dreams I have dreamed of most of my life. I have truly wanted to preach and teach the word of God but found I am not made of the stuff to be a pastor, I have wanted to work in the medical field and did so for a brief period of my life as an EMT(volunteer). I have also always wanted to minister to those with normal every day mental stresses and have done so across my kitchen table but yet to have made that the work of my life. By most standards I have failed in so many ways it is impossible to count, but I feel successful in life. I feel I really did get what was important for the most part. I may not have any fancy titles or jobs but if loving my family was on the list people deam as a huge success, well then I am.
Love is my claim to fame, I have made my greatest mission in life to love and there in lies my success and happiness because I have loved and been loved . I am so far from the finish line and I do not know what my furture holds but I think I just got my wind and for me that means a whole different life than the one I have led so far. Everything changes and everything stays the same !

Celebrating Alcohol

I want to write about a topic that will cause a lot of people to be uncomfortable. Alcohol is a threat to our families, our lives and our health. It is the most insidious of all drugs, why, because I can walk into any store and buy it and people think nothing of it. Alcohol is a drug and it has the same effects on your body as other drugs , it alters your reality! I am watching one by one people I love lose everything they have to their lust for it and everyone acts as tho it is not really an issue. I am saddened by the abuse of it and the way it becomes a part of the chemistry of a person's blood. They wake every day and no longer do the people they love become their first thought but when they will drink or how or where does. They wake without the ability to function apart from it. I am desperate for a way to open eyes to see how alcohol has a life of its own and at some point it owns you. Read most of the posts from our children and they celebrate something everyday with it. I am convinced the world will be taken over one person( by alcohol) at a time as people are busy consuming and never present enough to know what is happening. Gone are the days when people consumed to celebrate real things such as a marriage or birth or graduation, no today "I got a pedicure" seems to be enough to insight people to a three day binge I write to set myself free from the responsibility of fixing the broken, see in fact I am powerless, I only have words. I have always had a problem with alcohol myself, if I drink one I seem to drink 3 or 4 whatever is necessary to lose myself . If I drink I am shaking off my inhibitions and about to cut loose. I am pretty able to cut loose without alcohol but with it I am fearless so I understand the drawing power it has, I want to be childlike and carefree, who doesn't? Responsibility keeps me in check. I have no one other than me to pay my bills or to do my job, I must answer to the woman in the mirror. I am watching people lose everything because they cannot control the life they live due in fact to giving over to this lust of the flesh ! I know way to many homes where one person keeps the checks and balances so the other can throw caution to the wind and give over to this demon lust. I write today for one reason and one alone, if you see yourself in my words I am not writing about YOU! If you identify with them then this may be a moment where you want to come clean with YOURSELF! I am not writing about one person but many! I am writing about my life experiences and want to say here "DO NOT LET YOUR LIFE BE OVER TAKEN BY ANYTHING!" Do not lie to the most important person you will ever know "YOU!" Come clean with yourself that is all I can hope for! My writings are in fact the way I purge my own soul so I can clearly see the road before me and learn from my past, these are only meant to release me from my own bondage's, my hope is along the way others may be set free too !

Stillness vs activity

Living must be more than existing! Sorrow and trials are a part of the human existence just as happiness and joy are. When we come to the place where we only function we must step back and reevaluate ! As a physical being I am just as the animals , it is my spirit that gives me a step up in the order of life. I must honor that order and become all it means to be human. I must take authority over what I can. Their are times when the physical body I have been given, limits me, holds me down but my spirit it has the ability to soar over this constraint. I will be more than my body allows me. I will find ways to overcome my handicap. I will become a vessel that lets flow through it the life essence and to me the life essence is love! I can some days only live on my sofa but it is those days I am determined to reach out more. I really think God in His infinite wisdom knows people like me would never stop being physical and explore the spiritual, if we were not made to by some inconvenience such as a physical barrier like seizures or say MS. God knows some of us are prone to just doing and never take the time to "BE." Being is part of the human and we must embrace it and nurture it just as we exercise our flesh! So today after many days of good health a person I love dearly reminder me to write. Share my uniqueness with other special people who may not be feeling as well as I am today !
These words and thoughts I dedicate to my Sister MaryBeth ! I love you and hope your body heals as a result of love extended from my heart to yours ! I love you !

Reading !

Learning is what I am on a mission to do for all the days of my life! I am a simple woman from simple people and please let me qualify that when I say simple I am not referring to anything but our way of life. I make it my mission to keep my things as laid back as possible but if there is one area I need to challenge myself in more it would be education. Formal education is one way to learn but not the only way. I choose everyday to pick up a book and read. I read for education and occasionally for entertainment. I love reading , I remember when the children were small " Reading Rainbow" was a program they watched at my leading because it was a window to the world of reading. My window to the world of reading was in the house next door to where I grew up. Her name was Annabelle and she encouraged me to read for the entertainment value and that was the door that gave me vision to see how very big the world really was. I will be eternally grateful to her for giving me that encouragement! Reading is imperative to life. Those who do not open their minds to learning seem to stay in a time warp. Learning creates an environment that "should" never let anyone become arrogant , I believe the more you learn the more humble it should make you. I could read every book known to man and still it would only be a drop in the bucket to all there is to know! Reading , learning, researching these are things that I do without much thought and I know my personality drives me this way, so with that knowledge I understand all people are not alike so I would be arrogant and wrong to think everyone should feel as I do but today let me challenge you to pick up a book and read for entertainment and learn something about people or life you did not know before, now go on grab that book you bought a long time ago , blow the dust off and read , go to a new place or experience a new opinion , just do it !

Selfish am I

Today I am saddened by the news of more sickness in yet another family. Sometimes the load becomes almost to much to bare. Family and friends and even strangers stories come forth with great sorrow, sadness and suffering. My heart breaks for so many I do not know where to start, so maybe I will start with a thought I had last night while I lie awake listening to my husband tossing and turning trying to find a position that would alleviate his pain.
I thought right then and there how very selfish it was of me to bring my children into this world. MY sons and daughter have to go thru so much because I wanted something or someone to make my days brighter. I felt sick inside when I thought they may die without me there to hold their hands and whisper in their ears that all will be OK. I will not be able to be there for them in all that life throws at them. I just feel selfish ! I hear people celebrating everyday the birth of children and not one of us takes the time to think what we ask of a soul when we choose to bring them into the world without their consent. How do we knowingly bring humans into the world to participate in the difficulties without once sitting down and thinking of all the possibilities? Brad and I will die more than likely before our children leaving them here to find a way . We never once thought what it would or could be like if we left them prematurely . I know we gave them everything we possibly could and they are each quite able to navigate the world without us but that doesn't mean it is right to ask that of them.
I guess I am sorry and need to say my world has been made beautiful because I share it with them but I am certain I had my own best interests at heart when I brought them into this world.
Life is hard but watching the ones you love suffer is even harder. I pray that my family finds the peace of God to comfort them when I can't . I pray as I watch my friends and family get older and one by one have to say goodbye I never forget what an honor and blessing it has been to walk this lonesome road with them. I pray God gives us all the strength to get to the other side with peace and joy still in tact.I am sad today for the loss of life, the sickness and the broken homes and families I see today. May God forgive my anger and doubts when I questions His plan for humanity but today I wonder if God Himself isn't selfish ?

Family

Family is so much more than parents and children. Family is much wider and deeper than this. Family begins with two people falling in love and the union of that love produces humans who make the two so much more than they ever thought possible. Children , grandparents, aunts , uncles and cousins make the picture bigger and much deeper than one could imagine. Each family member a part of the other but yet one unto himself. Each person somehow feeling the need to answer to the whole. The weight of love overwhelming at times and yet able to give strength to each individual when needed. Family is a strong but crushing burden and joy but most always a blessing to each member. Each a part of the other but yet single in flesh and soul and responsibility. Living outside the boundaries of the clan of family we are someone completely different, inside we fall into the order of the tribe. We do what is expected mostly and if we do defy the order , if we march out of step , we risk the condemnation of the whole. Family is a claim others can make on our lives and expect a certain outcome. Family is beautiful and ugly. Family at its best leads and guides but never commands. Freedom to learn and grow within its safety should be the hope of all members but in most there are those who feel they have rights to anyone member because it serves the greater good or their personal desires. The function of a family should be to love and guide the individual to become all s/he can be, while giving the best foundation possible. Family should set free each member with no fear of who they will become trusting that the nurturing and education given within the family along with their love will prevail. Fear should never dominate any family, all things family should be the result of love and confidence that each member is a reflection of the whole. So family is the training ground for the individual, and a place for each member to return when they need to be refilled and encouraged. Family is never just restricted to blood relatives as friends can become a part of the clan and tribe of support and love, because love is the binding agent that makes and holds a family together and sets it free ! Love your family and hold them with arms open wide so each member may be all they are able to be without fear of disappointing anyone especially themselves. Love family with no conditions or strings , unconditional love makes the best humans possible!

My truest FRIEND !

Faith is a huge part of who I am. I cannot dismiss this any more than I could the color of my eyes (green). I have grown up with a strong convicton about God . I believe, this is the very foundation of my strength. I question Him all the time just as our children do us while they are young and finding their way in this world for the first time. God seems to be amused by our questions and I believe He enjoys our minds and the way we constantly look for answers in black and white. My relationship with God has grown as I have and for now at least it seems to be at a good place. I find I talk to God much like I would a friend sitting next to me. I have changed the way I relate to Him over the years. As a young woman I called on Him in a very formal way but as I have grown I see Him more as my friend. I can truly say I love God and would find it hard to navigate this world without Him. I can say without a doubt that I would be a mental case unable to do much of anything were it not for the companionship we share. In many other cultures I suppose people would see this as blasphemy but scripture tells us in all His closest biblical relationships God called His creation friend. Today I declare I want nothing more than to be considered a friend to God and God to me! Just as my children have grown up and consider me a friend as well as their mother, I want to give something back to God and my love and friendship are really all I can offer Him. I can never hope to tell God anything He doesn't already know but as I share my life, love is transferred in the intimate details and I really believe this is all God wants, someone to love! So in the circle of life God and man are not so different , we only want someone to love and someone to love us! Friendship what a gift !

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

My life is not like most or maybe it is! I suffer from seizures and migraines. Some days my life is not my own because my illness takes over and I am subject to where ever it takes me. Today I woke with a headache that is so bad I am fighting off a panic attack. I went back to bed after taking some ibuprofen and proceeded to have a mini panic attack, so I got up to get my mind off the pain behind my right eye and find myself here writing. Writing is my outlet and makes me feel less alone! Really if we all are truthful alone is how we spend the majority of our lives especially if we are ill. My illness only owns me when I am forced to rest as a result of it. Rest can feel like prison when there are things you want to do. Illness can be debilitating when people treat you like you're different. Some times people think you are a slacker and use your health as an excuse to not participate in things that need to be done. I once called my Dr to say I would not be able to make the appointment because I was too ill and the nurse almost laughed in my face. People who do not know this kind of disabling pain and loss of function do not comprehend what it is like to need rest . My body will throw me into days of auras or full blown seizures and weakness that is beyond tired, the tired I speak of will make it impossible to read or watch TV. I express this today because there are those out there who know just what I am talking about and I write this for those out there who think people like me are weak and don't care enough. I want you to know I am strong , everyday I work twice as hard as you just to maintain myself and on those bad days I use every thing in me and the help of God to get on my feet and do what I can do! I am not lazy , I am not weak but I am strong and I have courage not to let this overwhelming illness consume me. Nor will I let it rob me of my joy in life or my relationships. I will never take one day for granted I will celebrate my good days and push myself on my bad ones but I will live like no one else because I look sickness in the face more often than most and I come out on the other side a better woman. Sickness has been my foe as long as I can remember but today I will be it's master and pick myself up and put one foot in front of the other and take care of my life and the lives of those I love. I am going to do all I can to live till I die and fear will not be a guest I entertain for even a second. This body has it's flaws but my spirit is bigger than my flesh and so I will soar even on my sofa or in my bed , I will not be held captive for long because my body and my spirit may inhabit the same place but they are not on the same playing field! The spirit of man has a greater destiny than the flesh. My spirit is eternal and so is my will.

Anger

I have anger in the depths of my soul . I tell you I have no idea where it comes from but it is there ! It wants me to grab hold and give what is not mine to give and to take what is not mine to take ! I am angry when I think how many kind, loving people in this world suffer while the most evil of all tend to walk freely with no ills. I am angry and I know some will want to fix me and say you shouldn't feel this way or say it out loud ! Well too bad I am just an immature person who can't seem to get past certain inequities in this world ! I want the good to be here longer to influence this place of sadness. I know all the things that make living wonderful but right here, right now in this moment I am mad as hell. Mad that people hurt others and don't seem to care. People disregard others and don't seem to care. People have accidents and carry the injuries with them always. People contract illnesses that they deal with for the rest of their lives. Life isn't fair. I am an woman who looks for the good in everyone and I usually am not disappointed but today I am angry ! I feel an anger that makes me want to run far from everyone far enough to live in a peaceful quiet that lends itself to inner healing. I suppose I am experiencing all the anger I have ever repressed in my life and it wants to explode out of me like projectile vomit. I am in need of a heart and soul cleansing. I am in need of a deep work , that only the Holy Spirit of God can do. I am a woman who can never be all I had hoped to be and this makes me angry. I know if I could be all that I want to be I would understand the workings of God and my anger would be gone but here am I this person who will find a way to work with what I have and that will be enough. Anger is as much a part of life as any other emotion so here I go on with my life letting this anger find expression on this page till the next explosion. This anger is as much a part of me as the joy I feel as well . Emotions will not rule me but they will be the thermometer that lets me know something is not right. If you feel anger you are human and do not let anyone tell you that you need to stifle it. Anger has its place in our lives. Anger can motivate us as well or better than any other emotion we have to change. I will change after I give full expression to this darkness that I have been hiding !

Easter

May we always feel the love of God at this holy celebration of the death and resurection of our Saviour . The truest form of love is when a man lays down his life for a friend but our Lord layed His down for everyone not some but everyone! Think for one moment what our heavenly Father was experiencing when He sent His only Son to die for people who mock Him . I have 2 sons and 1 daughter and I can say for sure I do not know a soul I would send them to die for. Selfish I know but true none the less. Our children who serve in the armed forces make the choice to lay down their own lives for others, as parents we are proud but we wouldn't make that choice, they have to. I would die in my childs place and so would their father but neither of us could let them die for us. I tell you this because I want the reality to hit you as it has me. Our God gave His greatest joy in life so as to gain more sons and daughters ! What a good God we serve. I will not pretend to understand the heart or mind of God but I know He loves us ! I know He showed us in the only way most people would understand. So in reture love a little deeper and share a smile and kindness with someone, so they may see the reflection of Christ our Saviour in you ! He is risen and He lives in me ! Happy Easter !

I Believe

We all have our daily concerns....... health , money, family, aging, etc. I am certain we should laugh about it more than we do. We get a ticket in and out, our hour glass of time continues to drain each grain of sand one by one. I will not get caught up watching the sand but I pray when the last grain falls , I will fall where ever I am not home sitting around waiting for life to happen but out experiencing it. I do not want to waste one ounce of my energy worrying about the cares of life. We are all going to die, so this is a certain, I must learn to live in spite of the constant threat of death. I must walk with intention to the places that lift my heart. I must find the silver lining in my storm cloud. The storms are here and more will come but they only make the sun filled days all the more beautiful. I see the world the way I choose and I want to walk out to meet the rainbow. I do not want to hide in my home for fear of rain. I want to feel each and every drop as it softens the earth my prayer is it softens me as well. I want to be the shoulder that comforts those who cry out their own rain storm. I want so much to be alive, I want to feel the heat and the cold, I want them to speak about life to me. I want everything this earth has to give to help me arrive at my destination with joy unspeakable. I want an abundant life that makes this world look beautiful because I was here and gave. I want the darkness to be overshadowed by the light .I want life to piece the darkness of my soul so I can behold the face of the creator and say I believed. You made me see the beauty in the midst of the darkness and therefore I believe.I believe in the beauty of this earth and your creation. I believe humanity is your greatest accomplishment so I will always look for the beauty in every face. I will trust in your glory and how you are able to make beauty out of ashes ! I BELIEVE !

Giants among us!

I walk among giants ! I walk every day side by side with people just like me, people facing sorrows that could weigh you down but these giants refuse to give up ! Example , my daughter gets up everyday of her life and fights the battle with her health ! She is such an example of strength and courage to me that I am amazed. I know a girl who has a brain tumor and never knows when to expect the next seizure or worse. I know two young men fighting every day, one to walk , the other just wants to feed himself without assistance. We have forgotten how easy it is to do the things that come naturally to us, truth be told we think this is necessary to a happy life. We act like it is a given. I know men that fight the battle every day with addictions, these men have lost everything but they want their lives back and so they do battle. Not once a day but mutiple times every hour. I want us to realize that there are those among us that struggle with mental health issues, such as depression and even worse. In fact I struggle with some of these things but who am I if I give my life over to the disease and the troubles of this world. I have family members with MS and my cousin told his daughter, "remember you have MS , it does not have you." My cousin is no longer with us but his words still encourage his daughter and me ! Today I know your world may look bleak but I am here to say , we all face the same struggles and fears. We are all in the boat together and I am so happy to be in it with you ! Because you are here and you share your fears and doubts I find strength ! Because you love me enough to not act like I am a freak because I am afraid I can face these things and know you too are in it with me ! What I want to say is thank you for all those that love me enough to be a shoulder when I need one or allow me the prividledge to be yours ! We are a messed up bunch but together we can find healing and comfort ! Thank you for loving me and accepting me as I am flaws and all !

BEAUTY

Where does beauty originate ? I often view beautiful men and women on TV or in restaurants and I am often struck by their lack of inner beauty or even lack of satisfaction in life. Seems everyone is trying to be beautiful and all the while neglecting what real beauty is. Real beauty is not a look or a clothing line or a label; Real beauty is an inner confidence that radiates out of an inner respect and self love. Self love is not arrogant or over confident but a peace that passes understanding for the most part. Inner beauty doesn't try to fit in , it stands on it's own! Beauty walks in the confidence of knowing that the inner man is more important than the body. The soul of man is the place beauty shines out from, your beautiful because you are a safe place for others . Your beautiful because you do not make others a joke when they walk away. Your beautiful because everyone is safe in your presence and better yet, everyone feels special in your presence. Love and beauty walk hand in hand , you could say it is a marriage of sorts. Beauty is reflected from the inside out and it will make the unattractive seem irresistible. so walk today in the joy and blessing of your beauty and make someones world a little brighter !

God/ Fragile

How fragile is my relationship with God? I listen to people talk and give advice and I am convinced they live a life in fear. I have a living breathing relationship with God. We are friends and at times ememies, just like my marital relationship. Most people consider it sin to share those thoughts, well news break God already knows your questions, anger ,fear and frustrations before they come out of your mouth. I have deceided I am going to have an ongoing conversation without quoting scripture to back it up. The word is our source but suppose for one second you no longer had access , what then ? I am having this constant conversation that is like one I have with my husband. I am going to feel all the things a real relationship feels. I will not pretend that all is well when I am mad as hell. I will voice my concerns and wait for a response . I will never again allow others tell me how to relate to the Most High. My fears ,doubts, anger, hatred they do not surprise Him, I believe He is everything and knows everything, so my revelations to Him are old news anyway. So right now here on this blog I am in pursuit of God and it may look like blasphemy to some and to others it may be refreshing but for me it is authenticly me. I will no longer live under the contraints of others but I will work out my own relationship with God. If our relationship is as fragile as others seem to think then I will sweep streets in heaven but if I am correct and what God really wants are people He can call friends half the work will be done and when we meet face to face it will be a real homecoming. I write this blog to help me find my path , I do not intend to insult others or put anyone down, in fact my prayer is you read something here that will lighten your load! I am in pursuit and hope you are as well. The road ahead leads us bank home if we trust the one who gave us life. The road ahead is full of hope and despair, joy and sorrow, life and death and I am going to need this ongoing conversation with our Creator to get through it, so with confidence I will argue and fight, love and respect my God as I find my way home!

Mrs. Wulff

I have decided to write today about Brad's Mom, my other Mother. In life few are the ones who are as blessed as me. I love Beth Wulff and truly consider her one of my closest friends.
Mom is in the hospital once again, she celebrated her 80th there and it is one year later and there she is again. My heart is in a state of grief now because I watch her health fail daily. On my visit yesterday she told me about her body and how it is failing and I told her of my cruise with her son. As I was about to leave she grabbed my hand and asked me to pray and I did. I thanked God for this beautiful woman and the kindness she extended to the people she met in life. I thanked Him for all the children she comforted and cared for all the years she was a school nurse. I thanked God for the example she is as a wife and mother. I thanked Him for letting me be part of her family. I thanked Him for her voice and for the way she has soothed her children and grandchildren with that strong confidence and beautiful richness; Brad always has said her voice brings him comfort every time he hears it. Today her voice grows weaker but their is strength and a comforting way in which she speaks to me. As I prayed my prayer was filled with thanksgiving for a life well lived. The prayer had to go to a place she needed and I needed, the prayer had to speak of her demise, so I thanked God for the Holy Spirit that lives in her and how He was comforting her at this very moment. I thanked Him that when she took her last breath she would open her eyes to behold His face and all those she has ever loved before would be present too. I said these words confident she would be comforted by them. When my prayer was completed I asked her if she felt uncomfortable with me speaking of her demise and she said "because you speak of my demise, I think that is why I am comfortable."
I am in love with this woman and my heart breaks because the day is coming when I will have to say goodbye but in life my heart will remain grateful that I got to be the one to call her Mom and I got to be the one who carried her grandchildren. We marry thinking we are getting the man of our dreams but if we love as God planned we get to marry him and his family becomes our family in every sense of the word. If we work hard and love with as little judgement as possible it is possible to become one with our Mother-in-law after all there is no other woman on earth that has loved your spouse as deeply. So I say to you Beth Wulff , I am honored and blessed to call you Mom, I will be yours and you mine till death do us part and even then I will wait for you should I leave first and I know you will be there for me when my turn comes to go home. So as our time closes in on us I will remain ever grateful to God that people call us by the same name, Mrs. Wulff.

Jibberish

My words are lost right now, they have gone into hiding for fear of what I might say. My emotions are high and they can release more than aught to be said. Blogs are a beautiful place to express your life but the truth is we often want to put others truths out here. So my words are hiding , they want to remain untouched or unexpressed so as not to put things here that may make others uncomfortable or even hurt. I am an open book and I find it difficult to hold back what makes me who I am and some times that involves others and their stories as well because they are part of my life.
I am an emotional being and I find I need social interaction. I need to express my fears and doubts even at the expense of others but out of respect I can't. So what does one do when they can't say what they like ...... They turn the music up and Dance !!!

Judgement

I am writing today because I love the life I have in Christ Jesus ! I love that He came to fulfill the law because we are not able to carry it out ! I love that when He was asked by His disciples which of the law was most important he said,"Love your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: love your neighbor as yourself.' All the law and the prophets hang on these two commandments'," this reassures me. I am no longer afraid what man says about me or what man does to me because I am to following these laws. I will not condemn anyone for any sin because we all fall short according to His word. So if you trust God and His word their is no reason to fear no matter the label others give you , call on Him and talk to Him for He has made the way, even for the gossip !

Vacation

I want to capture everything about my cruise before time hacks away at it! First I was terrified to go on a cruise because I get motion sickness , so I started taking meds before I stepped on deck ! Good for me because it was the roughest waters the crew had seen in 6 months ! I got my sea legs 2 days in and never looked back but kept myself medicated, ........that may be why I did so well !
Warnings on all travel info should be posted about the non stop eating ! Food like I have never been exposed to in my life and yes I did partake at every chance. Brad and I ate more ice cream than we have in the whole last year ! Yes I did gain weight but only 3 pounds ! HOLLA!!!! I forced Brad and myself to use the stairs only and we did our daily walks or you would have seen a 10 pound gain , truth ! If you love food a cruise is the place for you !
We had a balcony but I could not use it for 3 days till I got my true sea legs and then it was amazing.
In my life time I have never seen a deeper more beautiful blue than the deep blue sea. Brad said to me when we stood on our deck , he now understood the words about Columbus sailing the deep blue sea. Here on the northeast coast our sea is more army green, no comparison.We snorkeled on a reef and I fell in love , Brad says I am getting certified and we are going to dive too ! Well that is a stretch but if he sighs me up I am going to have at it ! We zip lined under the canopy of the rain forest and this was my favorite moment! This was the only time I really thought of home or my family , I thought to myself the only thing that could have made that moment in my life any more outstanding was John, Chase and Abby being there with us ! It took my breath away and now I intend to zip line my way through the rest of my life.
Words will never adequately describe how I felt but I am at awe that people get to do such things. I am no longer going to live in fear of traveling but I am going to embrace every chance I get and see this beautiful creation called earth.
I think in life we become paralyzed by our own doubts and fears and sometimes we believe we do not deserve the things others take for granted. Well I am on a mission to believe I not only deserve these vacations but I need them as well ! So if you see me with a big smile plastered on my face ........ chances are I am thinking of that zip line and the joy I felt in that single moment in the jungles of Costa Rica !

Depression/ Death

Today I am writing about a topic that creates lots of discomfort but I have no choice, I feel compelled to say goodbye to friends who have ended their time on earth because the pressures were to great for their fragile minds. Many a soul has thought the thought but thankfully few have acted on the feelings. I am a person who struggles with depression from time to time and there have been thoughts about how easy it would be to leave the cares of this life behind and go to my Fathers house. I wanted to write because most people have suffered the loss of a loved one or struggle with debilitating thoughts as well. Depression is a weight that pulls you under so deep that at certain times you believe it will drown you and you see death as a welcome relief from the constant struggle for air. For some the thought has never crossed their minds and for those people I am happy but cannot relate. This is a very difficult topic to put out in the world because so many will not understand. Many look at someone like me and find it hard to believe this could be something I have struggled with, but trust me depression has haunted me all the days of my life. I find it hard to believe that everyone has not felt this way from time to time. I love life and am happy most always but many are the days I fight to get there. I urge you to make peace with people like me, words can not help us but love and understanding certainly make the load more bearable. Forgive the ones who could not bare the weight of this mental illness and always keep in mind it is an illness of the mind, nothing more.

My prayer for all those reading these words ; May the God of all creation give you strength to run the course ahead and may you find peace and understanding for those who thought it to difficult a task. God bless us all and help us bring comfort to each other as a result of our own personal suffering. Lord if we are able to help one another then our loss will have a deeper meaning and bring value to those struggling to stay in the race and the loved ones left behind.

I wanted to add a few scriptures that someone left before he took his own life.

" My God my God why have you forsaken me? Why are You so far from helping me and the words of my groaning? ( Psalm 22:1 )
O my God , I cry in the daytime but thou hearest not; and in the night season, I am not silent.
( Psalm 22:2 )
Remember not the sins of my youth, nor my transgressions but for thy goodness sake remember me oh , Lord.
( Psalm 25:7 )
The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside still waters.
He restoreth my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness.
For His name sake.
Yea tho I walk through the valley of the shadow of death.
I will fear no evil ;
For You are with me.
Your rod and Your staff they comfort me.
You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
( the 23rd Psalm )

I have faith in God and so did he; he just couldn't believe he could bare one more day. He died a sinner calling out to God for mercy. Be merciful and forgive those who couldn't bare one more day or one more hour and please do not take on their responsibilities as your own. I share this hoping it will comfort you to know that suicide is not a lack of faith but a lack of will !

" IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL ! "

I changed the name of my blog today. The name was the "My Life and Times", that was not what my blog really was about. My life is a life in pursuit of God. I love this God I have never seen and have an on going conversation with Him. In fact I felt the title was deceptive so therefore I wanted to make clear what you will read here. Some days will be simple conversations about my life and times but most will be about this inner conflict I am in with God. As I try to become a friend of God, I ask you to watch and see if it is possible. I want to be transparent and authentic so here is where I am working that out. I have come to this blog to gain clarity and grow in strength and wisdom. My words are placed here for me and whom ever else may find courage and hope in them. I write and sometimes that opens my eyes to see how very blind I have beeen. I have been very judgemental and God has crippled me in every area that I have judged others. Many are the days I am angry at God and I admit I fail Him but just as in my marriage I work those feelings out. I will run to God not away. I will scream at Him and I will cry with Him but I will not walk away. So if you are the kind of person who is not perfect and doesn't have all the answers feel free to join in and watch as I walk out my faith and lack thereof. God knows all these things already but He also wants me to say them out loud so I can find my way back home to Him and His forgiveness !

Words

Words are formed to express the soul of man. Language gives us expression and puts meaning to our world. A world without them would be sad and dark and living would be function and task oriented only ! Words are beautiful and full of meaning , full of emotion, full of hope and full of expectation. Words give order to our lives and beauty, thoughts without words would be pictures only. Watch a baby when he understands language but is yet able to form words, he gets so frustrated. I want all the words I speak to have purpose and beauty and meaning. I think prayer is a beautiful way to express love and concern for those we love and even for strangers, it takes words. I really see language as amazing and full of history and art, full of potential. Words capture our past and present and even talk of our furture. We live this life in an unconscience state untill we become aware of the most basic things. I want to live with gratitude for everything. So today I am grateful for the ability to speak and converse with you. I am grateful for the intimacy that comes from expressing our thoughts with each other. I feel even more blessed when I think of the ability to capture my words and read others words thru writing. God has given us so much to be thankful for. Stop your busy, crazy life today and take time to have a conversation or read or even write and then thank God for such a gift !

Traveling at the speed of life

Life is a whirlwind but the funny part is you are not aware how fast it passes till you approach the end ! I am watching loved ones start to fade, the light that once shone so bright has begun to get ever so dimmer and it brings out fear in all of us. I know I can get along in this world without them but my world is so much richer because they are here. I read the postings of others and I see that they too are going through these losses. NOTHING stays the same. We are in constant motion , we are hurling toward our own demise and have no idea. Our life according to scripture is but a vapor, here and gone in a moment. We make all these plans that may or may never be fulfilled. I know we must look like ants from God's perspective, marching in and out doing, never just being content enough to contemplate life and all its richness. I am finding at 50 I have lost lots of opportunities and I want them back. Lost friends and family that once were near and dear and special. Special like only an investment of love and time can bring to relationship. My Mother and I have always had an odd relationship but by the grace and mercy of God we are finally who I always wanted us to be "friends". That took time, time that her illness forced on us, at the beginning I did what I had to do. Now I do things for her with great joy and gladness to have this chance. I walk with a lighter step because God has given me wisdom and a little insight. The insight being time is marching on and soon all will be carried to their grave, me included. All the drugs and alcohol and parties in this world will not remove that truth. I am not tempted by intoxication to handle these realities because I want to walk head on with a sound mind into this place of letting go. The harshness is cutting and cruel but I feel the weight for a short time and then I am stronger. I know I love God and He loves me and I know my fellowman is here as am I with the same purpose, so I am finding the contentment that says we are loved by our creator and time is at hand , love like you have no tomorrow, for in truth we have no promise to make it through this day !

I want !

I want so much more ! I want more than I can see with my eyes. I want something deep and eternal ! I want something so deep eyes can not see nor can words express. I want answers to all the questions about life, the ones that feel so feeble and so desperate but yet need answers . I want something eternal that makes me certain all the pain and suffering on earth has had beautiful and wonderful meaning ! I want a knowledge that assures me all the death and dying has been about deeper love and meaning and all about God's greater purpose, no accidents. I want all the sleepless nights to be filled with conversations with God about the plan for my life , not silence I want all the graves ever dug to be about the lives lived having hidden beauty and great reward. I want a life that gives me pause, while giving me courage to believe and hold on for the chance to see the beauty behind it. I want to see beauty for ashes and I want the ability to believe and never doubt. I want to love with such beauty and mercy that healing comes forth and heals the ones I share that love with. I want my God to be so great that I never fear again and I never feel the pain of doubt or loneliness. I want my love and worship to flow out of my soul like the music that comforts our souls when we mourn or cry for all we have lost. I want an inner thought life that never feels conflicted when I talk about the grace or mercy of my God. I want blind love and faith for everyone. I want to trust my life has meaning more than I can conceive , so the searching can cease. I want life and life more abundantly and I want understanding and wisdom to give me rest. I want to walk out my love for God and man in a constant peaceful flow. The desire of my heart is to have wisdom, grace , mercy and love enough to bride the gap between me and my God and His creation.

DESPAIR

Everyday of my life I am at war. I rise to battle the demon of despair. It is so relentless that I am never at full rest. He nags me with the thoughts that say life is too hard and God will not answer your prayers ! This demon has been an unwelcome companion all the days of my life and often I wrestle him to the ground and subdue him but only for a time. He stalks my life and at any given moment I am his prey. I will never yield to his oppressive words or even when he strikes my body and it fails me or my weakest point when he strikes the ones I love. He often whispers in my ear where is your God now? I will never yield because God has given me an inner strength that lets me know He is there in my darkest moment. I have often wondered why God would allow such hideous creatures to roam about wrecking havoc on His family but alas I will never understand the ways or thoughts of God. I have determined that I want to be a loving person and there is nothing about my tormentor that is. So, the very thing he has set out to do becomes the very reason I run to God. I run to God because He makes me want to be good, my enemy brings out ugly things therefore causing me to turn to my Saviour for strength and rest. It is amazing how the despair makes me run after God not away. What amazes me most is that what the enemy of my soul has purpose for my very destruction has been used by God to make me more beautiful in His eyes ! God's plan takes every moment and every situation good or bad as an opportunity build up His children , He uses everything in life for us not against us. There are days when the battle seems to hard , fall and you will be safe in the arms of God , stand and He will be beside you , whatever you do know He is with even unto the end of days !

Sober Living

I am awakened today by one of the most sobering thoughts I have ever had. I am losing my parents to age, time and illness. My father died at 52 and at the time he seemed old but as I approach my 51st birthday this year , not so old ! So when my father died he was as able bodied as any man I have ever known, even to this day. There was no slow decline he died suddenly in his prime of a heart attack. Our surviving parents have been given over to the decline of age and time and it seems to have happened while we weren't looking. I suppose it happened while we raised our own family.
Brad and I have been blessed with a great support system all our lives. Never could we do anything the would result in the loss of love from our parents. If ever we had a need we knew they were there. Our parents are noble people who take care of family and each other. Our families are close because our parents have worked to keep it that way. The strong have been weakened and it is sad to me. It is sad that the people who were our leaders and protectors have become less than all those things.
I am dealing with my sorrow that in the near future we will be saying goodbye. I am overwhelmed at times by the sadness of losing them. I come to this page to begin my grieving so I can be strong for those around me. I am going to squeeze in every moment I can, count my blessings and be grateful for all I have but all the while slowing preparing myself for the loss. Some may think I am crazy and I do not care what others think , this is me working out my life in a way that keeps me from falling completely apart when the time comes to let go. I respect these people more than any others I have ever known. I know their flaws and weaknesses and they know mine and we love each other in spite of them. How blessed am I that God gifted me with my Mom and Dad , and then with my Father and Mother-in-law. Brad's , Mom and Dad have been true parents to me and I am forever going to love them as my own flesh and blood! I am truly grateful for my family , both sides and I will celebrate that love all the days of my life. I come to the page to work out my life and it may not always be comfortable but this is me. Sobering is the thought that crosses my mind when I realize I must someday let go of the people I love most in this world !

Growing Up without Big Brother

I feel inspired to write about growing up, I grew up in a family of 8, my parents and 6 children in a 2 bedroom house. During my teenage years this brought me shame and embarrassment. I can remember going to junior high and realizing how little we had and that most girls did not share a room with their brothers. Thankfully my Father added a bedroom and garage when I was in my teens , so when the older kids moved out I got my own room, I felt special! Our family was a hard working family and in our neighborhood we were well respected. My Father taught us your name was everything and should never be taken for granted.
I want people of this generation to realize that by yesterdays standards everyone today is wealthy. I hear talk of the poor and oppressed and I see everyone walking with a phone stuck to their ear. By and large the word poor is not what it was. How can people be poor and obese? The two cannot co-exist. Poor people in our neighborhood ate beans, for most every meal and no one was fat. Neighbors took food to families that struggled when they stopped in for a visit. Most people had a TV, not one in every room. We didn't always have all the things necessary to play ball , but if we brought our resources together we could play ball in the field next to my house. My family only had one car for most of my life, my Mom would drive Dad to work and pick him up when he got off. This was the condition of most people in my neighborhood. We had no idea we were poor.
Today people act as if everything advertised on TV should be in every home. People act as if they are entitled to these things. My thoughts are work is good for the soul and no job is beneath me if I am hungry. I believe our government is creating a dependency that is crippling our society. Government has now become the big brother we have feared. If people are given long term hand outs they begin to depend on them and lose the fire in the belly that picks a man or woman up by the boot straps and tells them do whatever is necessary till you find what you are looking for. Hunger gets one up and out to find a job! Complacency tells one that we should take it from someone else because he has more than he needs! I want more for our people than standing in a line waiting for a handout and then going home sitting in front of the TV and doing it all over again when we have consumed it ! What ever happened to working your way up from the bottom. What ever happened to necessity becoming the mother of invention?
We as a people are experiencing the greatest poverty ever . We have poverty of our souls and minds. We are being spoon fed every excuse in the book as to why we need a bigger and greater government to save us when in fact we need to save ourselves. As I reflect the lack of things does not constitute poverty but the state of mind , heart and soul constitute real poverty. I was in fact a very rich little girl growing up because I had a family who believed I was more than the things that surrounded me. I was wealthy because i was told I could be anything in life I wanted, if I could dream and work toward that goal, I could achieve it. SO in truth poverty is a state of thought. People who are told they need the government long enough believe it. People who are told take and give nothing in return will soon become consumers and know nothing about producing and restoring and giving. Poverty is more about what we believe than what we have ! I pray for our nation that someone will be the voice that stands against the tide of more entitlement and less personal responsibility ! Life as I knew it as a child helped shape me into the woman I am today so I believe less is more than enough !