I found God as a 4 year old in a Sunday school class in Delmar Md. I loved him right away. He made me want to be a better person. God gave me an inner desire to love others. His love for me made me feel special. I have loved God all my life.
I do not understand God, his ways and his wisdom are more than my finite mind can comprehend but his mercy I get that! I have been so angry at God that I actually felt hate for him and I have doubted his existence as well. God is not just this father figure I exalt but he is a person with whom I share a very important part of my life. My inner conversations take place with him as my guide, so life without God to me would have no real meaning. I could not get by without the thought that something greater awaits me. Life without hope is what I would have and that just isn't going to happen, I need hope to make it through my darkest moments.
I can remember having a conversation with one of my dearest friends and she said she thought God was just a figment of peoples imagination and I responded ....so what if it is? What if I have lived my life believing in a God that doesn't exist, so what of it? What if I only die to find my journey ends there, in the grave. Because I have believed I have lived a much better existence than most, I have lived with hope. Suppose I get what you say my imagination has created ...then I win again. I have spent my life imagining a world where pain and suffering do not exist and love is the driving force in everyone. I have dreamed of a place where my creator tells me how all the suffering in the world had meaning and purpose and teaches me about mankind. I will trade everything I have in this world but give up my faith in a God who some say doesn't exist.......it will never happen! I know that there is a power greater than all of us and I am banking in that hope, that he believes in me too! So if a loving God is not for you then that is okay but know He believes in you regardless of all your doubts!
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
My Days
Today we rise to new possibilities. There are many who see this day as already spent, fearful of having to get through one more hour. There are some who live for the weekend and disregard this beautiful day as just a step till then. Some will be relieved when they can put this day in the history books and never be forced to remember it again. How can it be some people see each day as shiny and new and others just look for a way to get through it. Days in and of themselves have nothing good or bad in them it is our perspective and or our circumstance that can affect how we experience each day.
Earlier this year my perspective changed. When 2012 began I was ill. I felt if something didn't give I was going to die and that didn't seem as bad as what I was going through at that time. Here I am later that very same year and my world is opening up for me in ways I never imagined. I am recovered from illness that I thought would never end and my days are mine to enjoy again. When this year started I had no idea what it held but I certainly felt lost at best. I was afraid and that fear was as debilitating as my illness. Somewhere between January and May my recovery in earnest began and I am the better person for all the suffering I experienced. Sickness can be a tool by which we learn to value our good days even more. Being ill sucks and watching others suffer is almost as bad as going through it your self. I am convinced we must learn from every obstacle we face. We may only have a few days left here on this earth so we must not waste one valuable second. We cannot allow sickness or anything else rob us of the moments we have with each other. We must be present at all costs!
I can truly say I missed so much while I was preoccupied with getting better but I also gained much, because I have learned a very valuable lesson about me. I am weak but I am also strong. I never let go even when I was afraid those days would never end, I kept the faith that better days were ahead. There were times when I wanted to give up but something inside me made me hold on. I had to did deep to push past the pain and confusion and most of all my fear. I write these words because I never want to forget that no matter what I am going through "this to shall pass" and life on the other side can be full and robust with possibilities. The moral of my story days should not be endured but searched for opportunities because even on our very worst day we are able to have a moment that can change the course of our life or that of another! Days are not to be feared but embraced and remembered for all they can teach us!
Earlier this year my perspective changed. When 2012 began I was ill. I felt if something didn't give I was going to die and that didn't seem as bad as what I was going through at that time. Here I am later that very same year and my world is opening up for me in ways I never imagined. I am recovered from illness that I thought would never end and my days are mine to enjoy again. When this year started I had no idea what it held but I certainly felt lost at best. I was afraid and that fear was as debilitating as my illness. Somewhere between January and May my recovery in earnest began and I am the better person for all the suffering I experienced. Sickness can be a tool by which we learn to value our good days even more. Being ill sucks and watching others suffer is almost as bad as going through it your self. I am convinced we must learn from every obstacle we face. We may only have a few days left here on this earth so we must not waste one valuable second. We cannot allow sickness or anything else rob us of the moments we have with each other. We must be present at all costs!
I can truly say I missed so much while I was preoccupied with getting better but I also gained much, because I have learned a very valuable lesson about me. I am weak but I am also strong. I never let go even when I was afraid those days would never end, I kept the faith that better days were ahead. There were times when I wanted to give up but something inside me made me hold on. I had to did deep to push past the pain and confusion and most of all my fear. I write these words because I never want to forget that no matter what I am going through "this to shall pass" and life on the other side can be full and robust with possibilities. The moral of my story days should not be endured but searched for opportunities because even on our very worst day we are able to have a moment that can change the course of our life or that of another! Days are not to be feared but embraced and remembered for all they can teach us!
Saturday, November 17, 2012
My Story-birth
When I was born I came home to my Mom, Dad and sister Sharon my brothers Dickie and Ray. We lived in a small home in a neighborhood called Rabbit Knaw.......it had once been named Rabbit Knoll but because of the accent of it's people it soon changed for the former.
I was a very wanted baby girl, my Dad gave my Mom her wedding band and a new Bedroom suit as a gift for my addition to the family. My parents married young and never had the money for a wedding band before. My father wanted more children but my mother wasn't so sure about any more children as the others were now manageable at the ages of 8, 7 and almost 5, Mom had her world pretty well rounded, so my addition would change the dynamic greatly, thus all the gifts from my grateful father.
I do believe the bond for me and my father really began here, it was a mutual admiration society, he wanted me and I loved him!
My sister also wanted a baby so she in fact became my surrogate mother and has been my best life long friend. We shared so much more than most sisters as she really became a second mother to me in more ways than either of us can remember. We have had a life of bonding by choice and circumstance.
My coming home also meant my brother Ray was rooted out of his sleeping arrangement, as he still slept in the crib in my parents room. He loves me but has always viewed me as the usurper, LOL. My bond with my older siblings has always been special! Dickie has always held me near and dear as well, so needless to say I was loved and wanted by all! Truly a great start to any child's life.
I was a very wanted baby girl, my Dad gave my Mom her wedding band and a new Bedroom suit as a gift for my addition to the family. My parents married young and never had the money for a wedding band before. My father wanted more children but my mother wasn't so sure about any more children as the others were now manageable at the ages of 8, 7 and almost 5, Mom had her world pretty well rounded, so my addition would change the dynamic greatly, thus all the gifts from my grateful father.
I do believe the bond for me and my father really began here, it was a mutual admiration society, he wanted me and I loved him!
My sister also wanted a baby so she in fact became my surrogate mother and has been my best life long friend. We shared so much more than most sisters as she really became a second mother to me in more ways than either of us can remember. We have had a life of bonding by choice and circumstance.
My coming home also meant my brother Ray was rooted out of his sleeping arrangement, as he still slept in the crib in my parents room. He loves me but has always viewed me as the usurper, LOL. My bond with my older siblings has always been special! Dickie has always held me near and dear as well, so needless to say I was loved and wanted by all! Truly a great start to any child's life.
Trouble vs Education
My world can hold promise and despair at any given moment. I find myself at this crossroads often, really too often for comfort.A life should never be so conflicted but somehow mine always seems to be. Joy is fleeting as the trials of life seem to bully their way into my face time and time again.
Trouble seems to always have a constant stream of conversation reminding me of how my world is falling apart and I am at its mercy. I have had to learn to turn away from this dialog and start a new conversation with myself reminding myself of how God will see me through this. God seems ready, willing and able to walk with me in my conflict but He doesn't rescue me the way I want Him too. I do always want an instant answer and resolve of my woes but my heavenly Father seems to know what I need. So, I struggle till I surrender to the lesson before me.
I have found in my life surrender is a posture that best suits me. When I am in a state of acceptance I can learn the lesson being taught much quicker. Life is my teacher and I am her student, I am blessed to have the companionship of the Holy Spirit guiding me but each step is mine and mine alone to take. I will have fear and uncertainty along the way but I will not let them keep me from my destination. I will walk until I can walk no more and when I am able I shall dance and skip and sing my way down this path. Give up? I think not, I am a journyman and my life on earth my time to aquire knowledge and experience love and find truth, so down the road I shall go , for the world is my classroom and I only have a short time to learn.
Trouble seems to always have a constant stream of conversation reminding me of how my world is falling apart and I am at its mercy. I have had to learn to turn away from this dialog and start a new conversation with myself reminding myself of how God will see me through this. God seems ready, willing and able to walk with me in my conflict but He doesn't rescue me the way I want Him too. I do always want an instant answer and resolve of my woes but my heavenly Father seems to know what I need. So, I struggle till I surrender to the lesson before me.
I have found in my life surrender is a posture that best suits me. When I am in a state of acceptance I can learn the lesson being taught much quicker. Life is my teacher and I am her student, I am blessed to have the companionship of the Holy Spirit guiding me but each step is mine and mine alone to take. I will have fear and uncertainty along the way but I will not let them keep me from my destination. I will walk until I can walk no more and when I am able I shall dance and skip and sing my way down this path. Give up? I think not, I am a journyman and my life on earth my time to aquire knowledge and experience love and find truth, so down the road I shall go , for the world is my classroom and I only have a short time to learn.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Family
My words bring comfort to me. Call me egocentric if you must but I read the things I write over and over. I suppose this is me trying to see who I am. I am a woman of simple means and a simple heart wanting to give ease to all that hides within. I have the desire to write something that will help others as I help myself. I am one of the few who will place words on page even when I feel scared of what may come out.
This week found me sitting with my extended family due to our loss of a loved one. I was happy to be reminded of my beginnings and the people from which I came. My family are ordinary and profound all in the same breath. These people whom share my father's DNA are a beautiful lot. They have so much more than meets the eye. If you beheld their material possessions you would not be impressed. If you were to judge them by their degrees you might think us a simple bunch. If hearts are what you find beautiful then these people would make you feel at home.
My family of origin has deep roots in our christian heritage and this is where our peace comes from. The gift of faith is the best gift we can hand down to our children. My faith has seen me through many troubles too numerous to mention. My heritage of faith lets me have peace when I must say goodbye for that finale time to a loved one. People make fun of folks like me but I really don't mind, you cannot make fun of something you do not understand. My family is quirky and strange , my family is honorable and sure. Family is our foundation and offers us a place to feel normal and accepted. Family is a great place to belong. My family gives me the courage to be me.
Writing is like my family and the page my home. My words give expression to the things that expose me and those who read my words are somehow related to me through kindred notions and feelings and thought. I am going to spend my days giving expression to all that hides in my mind. My hope is that my mind never feels at a loss or my heart unable to express it's deepest fears and joys or sorrow. So here I will make family out of strangers who find our likeness are greater than our differences. Here I will capture my life as I see it, here I will find the courage to become all I can within the safety of my "family".
This week found me sitting with my extended family due to our loss of a loved one. I was happy to be reminded of my beginnings and the people from which I came. My family are ordinary and profound all in the same breath. These people whom share my father's DNA are a beautiful lot. They have so much more than meets the eye. If you beheld their material possessions you would not be impressed. If you were to judge them by their degrees you might think us a simple bunch. If hearts are what you find beautiful then these people would make you feel at home.
My family of origin has deep roots in our christian heritage and this is where our peace comes from. The gift of faith is the best gift we can hand down to our children. My faith has seen me through many troubles too numerous to mention. My heritage of faith lets me have peace when I must say goodbye for that finale time to a loved one. People make fun of folks like me but I really don't mind, you cannot make fun of something you do not understand. My family is quirky and strange , my family is honorable and sure. Family is our foundation and offers us a place to feel normal and accepted. Family is a great place to belong. My family gives me the courage to be me.
Writing is like my family and the page my home. My words give expression to the things that expose me and those who read my words are somehow related to me through kindred notions and feelings and thought. I am going to spend my days giving expression to all that hides in my mind. My hope is that my mind never feels at a loss or my heart unable to express it's deepest fears and joys or sorrow. So here I will make family out of strangers who find our likeness are greater than our differences. Here I will capture my life as I see it, here I will find the courage to become all I can within the safety of my "family".
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Life has lessons
The road I am taking is long and rough but has moments that are so beautiful it takes your breath away. The nature of my humanity says I only want the beauty of the journey , not the hard stuff. My 52 years of life have taught me that beauty comes out of hardship. I remember the day my Dad died, he was just the age I am now. That day I wondered if my life would ever have another happy moment. Dad was a rock, his faith unshakable and he was our comfort and support, whenever we needed help he would be there. My love, faith and hope have only grown as a result of losing him. I want to carry on his "love" for life and God's creation, so I have grown and become a better person as direct result of that loss. Our minds conceive the world and its events one way when in fact the effects are the opposite if we will remain teachable and our hearts pliable. So my thought for today is be ever vigilant to learn , life and God and those you love have so much to teach you, if you will take a moment to break away and internalize the lessons. If we trust God and life enough we can learn or we can resist and repeat each lesson over and over. I have lost my way many times but I am on course for today at least and happy that my life is ever changing. The beauty of children is how well and quickly they adapt and learn......so my mission is to become more childlike in my nature and to follow the path God has laid out for me! My hope is I remain teachable and learn everything I can because life is short and I want to do everything I can while I can!
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
For today
Sadness prevails in my world this morning. Sadness at all the losses life throws at us. Today my family will lay to rest my fathers last sibling. This year two of my fathers sisters have passed. When I told my children they each remembered Aunt Betty and Aunt Beulah as on Sunday mornings my aunts would come to my mothers house so they could all attend church together. Years after my father passed my mother and his sisters have sat together in church, the one we were all raised in. When I think of this I must smile even tho my heart feels heavy. I think of all that is now lost to me.
Today I have a prayer list for sick people that I love and it keeps growing. The days of our lives are full of sadness and joy, we must take the bad and the good but today the sorrow is pressing in on my soul and I am going to cry it out. I am going to give way to my emotions and let this flood of sorrow wash me clean. I need relief from the days I have spent holding tears in check. I am going to let them flow till my soul feels purged! When they have been set free then I will wash my face and press on to the day that lies before me. That is only possible if I release the inner strength that comes from letting go.
Today I will thank God for my journey and pray for those who's journey is closing. Today I will ask God to heal all those who are suffering. Today I will press into God for strength and comfort. Today I will live in the here and now and not let my mind wander into the what ifs of tomorrow. Today I will shed my tears and find the courage to smile. My sorrows today only sweeten my tomorrows.
Today I have a prayer list for sick people that I love and it keeps growing. The days of our lives are full of sadness and joy, we must take the bad and the good but today the sorrow is pressing in on my soul and I am going to cry it out. I am going to give way to my emotions and let this flood of sorrow wash me clean. I need relief from the days I have spent holding tears in check. I am going to let them flow till my soul feels purged! When they have been set free then I will wash my face and press on to the day that lies before me. That is only possible if I release the inner strength that comes from letting go.
Today I will thank God for my journey and pray for those who's journey is closing. Today I will ask God to heal all those who are suffering. Today I will press into God for strength and comfort. Today I will live in the here and now and not let my mind wander into the what ifs of tomorrow. Today I will shed my tears and find the courage to smile. My sorrows today only sweeten my tomorrows.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Walking your path
Sometimes in life we find our selves on a road that seems to lead to our destruction. This path has danger written all over it. People tell us there is danger ahead but we are forced to take the path any way. The enemy of our soul feels glee when he watches us walk with trepidation this road before us.
Truth and purpose will walk with us if we allow it. Truth is, all people walk out their struggles and really have no choice if life is what they seek. We are a people with direction and without, we are often lost and then we are found, it is the journey of life and the only factor that changes for each of us is the time which we have to get the job done. Our choice is clear we must live out every moment with out holding our breath, we are compelled to exhale and inhale all that life presents us with.
I am compelled to speak the truth about how I see that which lies before me. I will not pretend I am okay when I am not. I will not pretend that I am so grounded in my faith that I do not doubt. I doubt often that the road I am on is going to get me to where I belong but I will not turn back I will press on and feel fear anyway!
Doubt and fear are as much about finding our way as faith , hope and certainty are. It is after we battle with our doubts and fears that we grow in belief and our faith grows as a direct result of the battle. The battles and storms of life make the good days all the more spectacular. When we are forced by our fears and doubts to confront them, then they become the catalyst that drives us forward on the road of life. Our choice is stay where we are or keep walking.
I will walk on and be reminded that all journeys begin with a decision; where I am is not where I belong. The path ahead will lead me to the place where I belong but I must take the first step and as for me I will not let my doubts and fear control me but I will use them as the wind to set my sail by. I will march onward and sing when I am happy and cry when I am sad. I will rest when I am weary but I will never stop moving ever closer to the place where I belong, for in my life no one has every inspired me to be more than I am except for Jesus the Christ and His house is my home, so when you find me at my journey's end that is where I will be!
May your fears and doubts become the driving force behind your journey and not the stumbling block that impedes your progress!
Truth and purpose will walk with us if we allow it. Truth is, all people walk out their struggles and really have no choice if life is what they seek. We are a people with direction and without, we are often lost and then we are found, it is the journey of life and the only factor that changes for each of us is the time which we have to get the job done. Our choice is clear we must live out every moment with out holding our breath, we are compelled to exhale and inhale all that life presents us with.
I am compelled to speak the truth about how I see that which lies before me. I will not pretend I am okay when I am not. I will not pretend that I am so grounded in my faith that I do not doubt. I doubt often that the road I am on is going to get me to where I belong but I will not turn back I will press on and feel fear anyway!
Doubt and fear are as much about finding our way as faith , hope and certainty are. It is after we battle with our doubts and fears that we grow in belief and our faith grows as a direct result of the battle. The battles and storms of life make the good days all the more spectacular. When we are forced by our fears and doubts to confront them, then they become the catalyst that drives us forward on the road of life. Our choice is stay where we are or keep walking.
I will walk on and be reminded that all journeys begin with a decision; where I am is not where I belong. The path ahead will lead me to the place where I belong but I must take the first step and as for me I will not let my doubts and fear control me but I will use them as the wind to set my sail by. I will march onward and sing when I am happy and cry when I am sad. I will rest when I am weary but I will never stop moving ever closer to the place where I belong, for in my life no one has every inspired me to be more than I am except for Jesus the Christ and His house is my home, so when you find me at my journey's end that is where I will be!
May your fears and doubts become the driving force behind your journey and not the stumbling block that impedes your progress!
Thursday, November 8, 2012
The Journey
Today I find myself challenged to be more, to test my limits. I am a writer and that is my calling, which brings me to my knees with humility. I cannot spell for beans and I have a very limited area on which I like to write but that will no longer dissuade me from my calling. I have decided to return to college and work on the two things I love to do, write and become a life coach or counselor. I am making this declaration here as I have been feeling this inner prodding for some time. Today I have clarity and being who I am and concentrating on what brings me joy is what I will pursue, not money!
The path that led me here came in the form of a family crisis. All things work together for our good if only we will let them. Our Lord and our life will lead us where we need to go, we just have to be willing to follow. Today the scales are being removed from my eyes and my vision is being restored. The future is full of so much possibility and I am going to go where I must to make it a beautiful place to be. I am a dreamer always have been and always will be. The trouble I have had for some time now is I have been busy dreaming for others. When I was a little girl I had vision to be all the things possible, a mother, a wife , a doctor, a therapist, a singer living the dream. As of late I have just tried to make sure that others had a world where their dreams would be possible and come true. Friends you cannot dream others dreams. Today instead of trying to do for others what they must do for themselves I must lead by example.
All the fear in the world may come rushing at me but I will no longer be subject to fear, no I will trample under foot all those things that try to stop my progress toward becoming who I was fully created to be.
I had a professor once in one of my religious studies classes tell me I should get formal training as he thought I would be an amazing writer.........well I am taking his advice and jumping off into the deep end!
Today we must challenge ourselves to do the one thing that strikes fear in our hearts ......it may very well be the thing that also brings the most growth to our heart and soul and thereby our world!
Thanking God for helping me overcome my fears, praying you find your calling too!
The path that led me here came in the form of a family crisis. All things work together for our good if only we will let them. Our Lord and our life will lead us where we need to go, we just have to be willing to follow. Today the scales are being removed from my eyes and my vision is being restored. The future is full of so much possibility and I am going to go where I must to make it a beautiful place to be. I am a dreamer always have been and always will be. The trouble I have had for some time now is I have been busy dreaming for others. When I was a little girl I had vision to be all the things possible, a mother, a wife , a doctor, a therapist, a singer living the dream. As of late I have just tried to make sure that others had a world where their dreams would be possible and come true. Friends you cannot dream others dreams. Today instead of trying to do for others what they must do for themselves I must lead by example.
All the fear in the world may come rushing at me but I will no longer be subject to fear, no I will trample under foot all those things that try to stop my progress toward becoming who I was fully created to be.
I had a professor once in one of my religious studies classes tell me I should get formal training as he thought I would be an amazing writer.........well I am taking his advice and jumping off into the deep end!
Today we must challenge ourselves to do the one thing that strikes fear in our hearts ......it may very well be the thing that also brings the most growth to our heart and soul and thereby our world!
Thanking God for helping me overcome my fears, praying you find your calling too!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
