I became a Mother on January 29th

Twenty seven years ago today became a profound moment in my life. My firstborn son came into this world weighting 10lbs 8ozs., he was 21 3/4 inches long. The size of the child was not nearly as important as the role he would play in my life. He was everything I had dreamed of. I had wanted to be a mother from the time I got my doll , Addie. I was a 6 year old mother in every sence of the word, my very essence is a mother. Many people identify with their careers but as for me I have always wanted the privledge of parenting! Being John's Mom made me want to be a better woman. The very second I looked into his eyes I felt something stir in me, that I had never felt before. At that moment I loved him more than myself. I would die to protect him and give him everything humanly possible. Love like that doesn't come along every day ! I had found my calling. He made me dig deeper and work harder at my relationship with his Dad. I knew the best gift I could give him was loving parents, so I began to try to understand this man in my life, he would someday call Pop. I am a simple person and proud that I refuse to see anything this world has to offer being more important than it's people and most especially my family. My son gave my life purpose and made me want to draw on the wisdom of God for my direction in life. Who I am today is a woman that loves God and family and I have that baby I named John Aughtman Wulff to thank for showing me the way! Happy Birthday son ! I am your biggest fan , just in case you ever wondered !

Am I rebellious or is this relationship ?

Today I feel moved by the spirit of God to say I am a simple woman with a simple faith. There is no real pretense in my life that I am aware of , what you see is what you get. I love with no strings attached. Love doesn't cost anything with me. I write and expose my inner conflicts here but truly I live my life very privately. I prefer time alone and I prefer working out my own salvation here as opposed to a church setting. In many ways I am rebellious. My conflict really starts and ends with God and His people. I have always felt like I had an intimate relationship with God. My earliest memory is of being in Sunday school and knowing that God was bigger than the lesson I was being taught. I have had conversations with God for as long as I can remember. My conflict over the years has been the direct result of others trying to make me conform to their ideas and interpretations of God 's word, as they saw it. I have also been conflicted by God allowing the evil present in this world, wondering why He has not intervened. I believe that God calls to each of us for our own personal relationship with Him and if we will take the time to listen we may hear the answers we are seeking. This God of the Galaxies is in love with His creation but his creation is so caught up in law and order that we micro-manage the life and joy out of this world and each other. I am doing what I can to be free and have an abundant life in the presence of God trusting that His love for me is more than enough. My life has more joy and peace now, even tho I am going through the greatest trials I have ever personally experienced and I believe that is because I have let God out of the box called religion and now I can experience life with Him. I am a child of God.....I am finding my way home and I want to learn all I can on this journey, about me and others , so we can encourage each other each step of the way to our Father's house !

Annivarsary of Death

My father died 25 years ago in Febuary. That man and his life and death changed me. Fathers give their children what they can. My Dad gave me, my sister and 4 brothers everything a truck driver could aford to give. He put a roof over our heads , clothes on our back and warm food in our bellies. He raised us in a neighborhood where veryone knew our name. Our name according to our Dad was everything, BEAUCHAMP, was my badge of courage and a name of exclence. I have carried Dad's name with me all the days of my life. I am a woman proud of the men God gave me ! I so love that man , my father , Ida 's son, Dickie Beauchamp!

The greateast gift my Father gave me was not any thing material but instead a confidence that most people never experience. I grew up knowing love and being taught that I could be any thing I wanted. My Dad gave me absolute assurance that he believed in me. He told me that if I placed my trust in God I would have a home for eternity. My Dad was a simple man with a simple faith but the Love that he gave me and everyone for that matter was what made me know God was real. Love is supernatural and it is the essence of God Himself ! The day we buried my father was sureal for many reasons but one being the way he made everyone feel special , just the way he treated me. So as Dad's go I got the best ! I have to say how very blessed I am because a man who believed your word was you r bond loved me and taught me to love others as myself. He gave me the faith his mother gave him and I walk in the confidence that because of that I will see him again. Thank You Dad for being a simple man with a simple love and a beauty that still shines !

I am troubled by the world around me. I am trouble by my own inability to fix it. There is a part of me that wants to set the world right. These feelings make for a constant state of conflict in my life. I must bring every thought into captivity if I am to live with any peace. Tell me how do I, or really how does God sit back and watch us destroy ourselves. The stupidity of our choices keeps us in constant turmoil. I for one have a saviour complex so I want to rescue everyone and everything. All the religious training I received growing up and even still today receive has made me believe ....... I have the power to change the world and even more it is my RESPONSIBILITY !!! I must LOL because it is an impossible task and I fell for it. Who do I think I am ? How on earth can I make a difference? The burden I and many people carry because we feel compelled to right the wrongs is crushing. God created this world and I am calling out to Him to do what needs to be done because I am but dust and to the dust I will return. From this earth I was created so tell me what can dirt do? The word says what is man that You are mindful of him? Every question leads to more, therefore I state my questions and thoughts to God and wait for His answers, to which I hear the question back, "Do you trust Me?".
So I choose to trust God . I choose to be an encourager when ever possible. I choose to see with eyes wide open that I am not the saviour of the world ! I am not capable of fixing those closest to me, nor myself, so why would I think for one minute I can do the impossible? I must live here in this moment and realize that I am one woman in one place at one time and I must stay grounded if I am to be effective in my realm of influence. If I share any thing that helps one person have a lighter load to carry then I have accomplished all I can. I want to be set free from the bondage of thought that says I have power. I am powerless over people and things, my power is in my thought life. My power is in gaining wisdom and understanding and Truth ! My power comes when I release myself from all the preconceieved ideas about my responsibilities to God and man but instead live in this moment for it is all I have ! My power comes from TRUSTING God and Him alone to get the job done !

I Win

This morning I am awaken by pain, physical pain. This pain has been my companion most of my life. I am overcome with fear because I know that the pain I am experiencing can be absolutely debilitating. I have always thought of myself as a strong woman. Growing up with 4 brothers and a sister as tough as any of them, I was the weak one. I have worked my whole life to overcome that position. I have fought it as long as possible but today I admit my defeat, I am the weak one! This hormonal cycle in my life has beat me so many times that I have no fight left in me. I am shaking as I type. It has taken my energy and I am throwing in the towel. I am 50 years old and still it is not satisfied. I am broken and no one knows how to fix me ! I have been broken since menstruation began in my life and the seizures that often accompany it are more than I can handle. They force me to dance their dance and when they have finished with me I wake on the floor in my own body fluids. I know what I am writing seems melodramatic but in all sincerity this is the truth of my life as I see it. I am not the warrior I once was. I suppose I fought the good fight so my children would have a home that did not focus on a sick mother but I know I failed there as well. My Goliath was bigger than all the stones I had to throw. I have begged God to save me from it, only to wake up on the floor wondering where I was and how I got there.

Now , I will try to find any good that could come out of such a hideous thing. I know this is going to be hard because at this very moment I am in the midst of my personal battle. I suppose as a human being I am more compassionate then I would have been if I had never known this kind of disability. I have had to dig deeper and find the resolve to accomplish things that I may have taken for granted if this were not part of who I am. I think I have learned to enjoy the little moments that I may have taken for granted otherwise. The greatest thing in my life came as a direct result of the cycle of life that caused me the most pain, "my children" are worth all the suffering. The gift of them is my greatest consolation prise, so in truth, I WIN. I Win because I continue to trust in the God of my salvation. I win because I know that my suffering is not in vain. I win because I love deeper and give more of myself in the here and now because I am not certain I have a tomorrow! I win because I am a better woman today because I lived an imperfect life in an imperfect body and still have more joy than most people will ever know !

My window , my world

I am a writer but not like most. I will never be famous for writing about the words that express my inner life. I struggle sometimes putting my words on paper because if I just express the rawness of my emotions people get uncomfortable and want to rescue me. I DO NOT want to be rescued from my pain and emotion, no, I want to scale that mountain just as I do in the summer on my hikes. I am a warrior and I am nothing like the person you see in your mind when you consider me.
I have disabilities that have strengthened me. I am a warrior and damn proud of all I have survived. I am angry right now and find expressing my strengths makes me a little less on edge. My body has been the first battle ground I have had to fight to overcome. My affliction is insidious in its nature. People look at me and see a fit 50 year old woman and I am, but inside me lies a bomb that at any given minute could bring me to my knees, paralyze me and in its wake leave me needing a shower and a bed so I can begin to recover. This disease has been my constant companion during my adult life and yet most people do not know. I am not special and need on sympathy but I have lived with this threat and it has tried to rob me of my life but to no avail. Physical handicaps , emotional handicaps they can make a life or break one, I choose to use it to make me stronger. I will be who I am and not let a threat of something out weight the need of expecting something greater of myself. I confess this to you now because we need more control not less. This is where we come back to words and their power. I share words to let out my fears about all the things you cannot see. I do not want sympathy , I just want to give you insight to my world. When we share who we are and our deepest secrets we empower ourselves to be a light in the darkness to so others might find their way as well !

THE MAN AT MY TABLE

My son Chase came home recently and we sat at my kitchen table that morning and spoke of his life. Chase is the middle child of three, my oldest a boy and my youngest a girl. I watched my son struggle with who he is. I watched as he struggled in every aspect of his life and felt paralyzed by fear. I saw in his eyes a man held captive by his own body and its desires. I saw a man who has prayed to God asking to be set free from these desires. I sat there with this man across the table and felt absolute pride. He is a man who is working out his life before God and with God. He is a man afraid to disappoint others and I so badly wanted to have the power to set him free, yet God stays silent, so who am I?
I felt absolute joy when I realized my son is a man of God who thinks before he acts but that same thought made me sad because I realized the bondage he is in is because of the fear of letting go. I saw a strong independent man who loves deeply and is honorable. A man with gifts and talents that are held captive because of this impasse in his life.
I will put my fears to rest because I saw the maturity of a man finding his way in the world. Chase and God are working their relationship out and neither need me to get the job done but I was happy he felt confidence in my love for him and shared with me his doubts.
I guess what I am saying is Chase loves God .......what more could I hope for?
I want the world to know when you think you have all the answers ...... you may be confronted with your own ineptness. Let Love guide you in all things !

God and Pam

Who am I that God would be mindful of me? Who am I that he would send his son to die for? The question of who I am is not important ......the answer of who he is, that is the important thought. The conflicts in my personal life are more than most can imagine but I trust God ! The weight of my fears is sometimes crushing but my trust is in God, even so .
I sometimes think God has turned a deaf ear to me .....yet I speak to Him always ! I love Him because he taught me about love. This God we seek out doesn't play by our rules. No , He created the rules then found away to break them, so HE could redeem us back. I know nothing of God, I am an infant when it comes to the knowledge of HIM ! Every time I think I do, I am reminded of how small my concepts and understanding are. I am amazed by those who seem to have all the answers. In truth I feel sorry for those who think they have all the answers to who God is, very sorry ! By having all the answers they limit what they can learn ! When you think you get it ....... your mind shuts off to learning more. I am glad I love and know God! I am glad when we screwed up He found away to bring us back into relationship with Him. I have never seen this God/man but I must say, He is the best friend I have ever known !
My God is much bigger than my finite mind can fathom and I am not afraid to tell you! I love Him and trust He loves me. I am commited to learning everyday a new truth about Him. I pray everyday for wisdom, so that others can see how His love has transformed me! It is a miricle and it is beautiful. If your concept of God brings you no peace .....seek again and shake off the dust of old beliefs, for He has come that we can have LIFE and have it more abundantly !

Milestones

Milestones in my life, I think this time of year gives one over to reflection. Where do I begin ? A moment in time that grabs my thoughts was a warm summer day in 1977. I was leaving my house when I looked up to see an acquaintance from school riding past my house. Brad was really just a person in my Drama class, we had not spoken 100 words to each other in a year of classes. His face was a welcomed sight even so. I called out his name and he stopped. I find it funny how I did not know him more than just as a name and face in class. I had no idea that this boy/man would be my husband and father to my children. He offered to take me to my destination and suddenly our worlds collided. Words where easy to come by for both of us and that should be no surprise for me but for him it was amazing, he was shy to a fault. I loved that he was not slick and wordy but thoughtful and kind. If not for this one moment of perfect timing we may not be who we are today. I guess I share this for a reason, before that hot July day we had no chemistry to speak of but one moment of classmates talking turned into a life of beautiful conversation. One moment changed our destinies forever. I am convinced had we not had that moment outside the scrutiny of others we may have never known what an amazing person we saw in the other. Moral to my story, never pass up the opportunity to talk to someone face to face ....... you may be looking into your own destiny!

Asking God ?

If I could see God , I would be humbled. I would be overwhelmed by the presence of the all mighty creator of the universe. I believe at the initial face to face encounter I would be speechless, But soon I am sure I would feel the joy of coming home to an old friend.
I know to some my words seem arrogant but I would be asking questions like a child. I have so many things I do not understand. I am certain this God who created man would not be surprised at all. I think He would find it refreshing. I would be real. Raw truth, me in my ignorance would want understanding, I would want some clarity. Is the God of all creation surprised by anything? I think not! I am what I am and he knows just who that is better than even I.
I will want to understand if we are just some kind of EXRERIMENT ? The world is so wicked I will want to understand how a loving and just God could keep his hands to himself. I will be like the Dennis Menace of heaven. I will be celebrating the goodness and glory of God but all the while asking more and more questions. I will walk with the certainty that His answers will fill me in such a way that I will be satisfied like never before. The questions will not be from a rebellious child but from one who is full of wonder and finally home where all the answers are.
Do not be afraid to ask him anything because he loves our conversations. If you doubt me go to the Psalms and read the words of David......He was a friend of Gods I want to be his friend as well ! Looking forward to the day answers are in my grasp.

Today my heart mourns for the people I know and love , people I call family and friends. My New Year has begun with my attendance of many funerals. I would safely say I have or am about attend as many funerals as ever in my whole life.I walk into this with total peace. I have found I must trust the hand of God. I sometimes rant about what I would do if I were God , all the while knowing how foolish I am.
Suffering is as much a part of life as any thing else. We start out the new year with renewed hope. We are fools to think that the year will be different. Time takes no prisoners, as the clock moves forward we get closer to our own appointed time. Still we think not me. Well I for one am making peace with death.
Death will come calling for me one day. I will not be afraid. I will let it embrace me I will yield to its call. I am certain that at that moment or hour my spirit will sing! I choose to believe the Bible so I leave with certainty. I will escape the confines of this body I have lived in and all the flaws it holds. No more pain or disappointment, no more fear or doubt, but the rapture of knowing I will meet my maker face to face. I will finally know the Lord who created and loved me. I will LIVE in a way I have never known. I will abandon all the dis function In my mind and soar like I can only dream of. I have decided to make death my friend , so as not to mourn so hard or desperate for those who leave me.
Job 13:15

Change

Life is a constant ball of change. From moment to moment you never know just what to expect. I know that as we age we tend to become more resistant to change. I for one do not want that to happen to me. I want to walk in liberty. Liberty comes as a direct result , I think, of walking with God. I have never had to give away anything that didn't need to go. So God allows change in my life so I will be dependant on Him.
When I lost my father almost 25 years ago, I was crushed but hopeful ! My hope sprang out of the faith my father had instilled in me. God took Dad but walked with me during thee most difficult time of my life. As a direct result of letting go of my father I learned to cling to my heavenly Father. He took Dad and taught me to love and trust Him more.
Change is constant and relentless. People fail you, health fails you but you pick up the pieces of your life and move on. My desire is that I not only move on but I become more alive as a result. The things that I let go of means less luggage to drag around. I think God is trying to pry things out of our hands and lives that need to go but we cannot see it at the moment! We cling to the familiar. We wish for what was only to miss what IS !
I am changing right here right now. I will LIVE here in this moment content to feel and see and learn everything it wants to teach me. I will not let myself go to places in my mind that may or may not ever happen but I will be present so when the change does come I am standing on solid ground!

Trust ?

Today I make a decision to be real. i want some heaven on earth, so I believe the only way to achieve it is by living exposed. Transparency is what I am aiming for but I must be careful because sometimes I want to expose the ones I love and they are not me. I have the ability to be transparent if I choose but not at the expense of others.
I confess here on this page that it is work to trust yourself, others and even God. I think I must first work on trusting myself! How can I? According to scripture to love others I must love Pam first. I must be strong enough to trust that I can take what others do me and as a result of the good and bad things I experience become a more beautiful person from the inside out. My confidence is not about my own abilities but about the strength God gives me. If I am loved by the Creator then I must have value. I will walk in that confidence.
I am flawed deeply.I am human and my nature tells me not to expose my weaknesses but the Holy Spirit in me tells me I have nothing to fear. If God is in me because I asked Him to be in my life then ...... I must allow Him to guide me in my walk. I will trust because I make the decision to trust. It is like love or anything else it comes at a cost and the price we pay is hard work. Today I make the decision to be a person others can trust and I will put my confidence in God changing and transforming me daily, so that I may learn to lean on Him more so I may become more trust worthy ! I want my confidence to be because He chose me , not the other way around. So I am going to be transparent here and trust God will guide me into paths of righteousness. So I am working out my own salvation thru fear and trembling in this open forum, hoping my expressions of thought will help you as well as me.

Thoughts on the New Year, 2011

I am saddened by the loss of so many, in the past few days. Some young by my standards and some old but all loved by me and many others. I reflect on life and I am encouraged and I refuse to be angry at God as Death is part of life. We choose to pretend we are not ever going to die but truth is we come into this world with a given number of days. I have spent lots of time contemplating eternity ! I love what I understand it to be.
Eternity in my opinion is the ultimate "Homecoming". Coming home to the place where we began. Standing in confidence that who we are is finally enough. No more competition. Just rawness and openness. Real people as God made us. Free from the bondage of sin and lust, fear and doubt. Real humanity exposed. I am flesh and blood, yet so much more. I am woman but even more, I am human. Earth has only disappointment to offer,(everyone dies). Eternity to me is the ultimate New beginning, no Death to fear. No separation from those we love! So call me morbid if you like but I will spend the rest of my natural life meditating on eternity !

How do I begin again?

Going to begin my idea of a blog. I love writing and it gives me an outlet to express my heart. Here is the place where mind and heart meet. Words give expression to fears and doubts, hopes and dreams. Written words let others see the inner workings of our most private thoughts. Abandon your fear of exposure and let down the walls that separate you from others. Let people see you struggle in your relationship with God? What can I say here that will change me or my attitude? I can let go and let my fears be exposed. I think shedding light on all I am, strengthens me. I believe I am stronger for working out my own salvation here for anyone to see. I am not afraid of judgement it only hurts the one standing in the place of judge. So I am going to be sharing what I call me here in written word ! But my life is more than I can express here..... so feel free to ask me to clarify any thought you see that causes you to question what I am really thinking !

Update my life

I haven't posted for quite a while as you can see ! I have been busy with life and family .....truth lost my way here ! Brad found this for me again ! So when I can I will post about the goings on in my life !