I stand before HIS throne!

I stand before His throne with nothing to say in my defense but "Hallelujah". I stand before His throne a sinner in need of grace and mercy. I stand before His throne dirty in my sin and shameful of all I did and thought in my life here in this broken land. I stand before His throne and fall before His feet a broken vessel full of sin and disgrace. I am His broken sinful child dependant on the mercy of His sacrifice, dependant on the shed Blood of my Saviour. Thankful that in all my sin and disgrace He saw something worth of saving. "Hallelujah" is all that will form in my mouth. I have no words to defend my behaviour or my actions. I have nothing at all that could make me worthy of heaven. Nothing but the act of Jesus when He took my place on the cross, erasing my sins forever. I am justified and able to walk on streets of gold with only one thought "hallelujah, my sins forgiven as though they never happened."
I cannot boast of my good works or my sinless life because I am a sinner and my good works they are as filthy rags before Him but in Him I can boast, He made a way where there seemed to be none! I stand before the throne of God as His child full of gratitude for the one who paid my price in full," HALLELUJAH!"

Death part of the Journey!

The journey is long if we are lucky so I am told. I have always thought only the good die young, making death a reward for having been special. I know you may think me crazy and in truth I am to a degree but death itself seems like the starting line for our true ability to live. The life I speak of is one where we are not bound in flesh that decays but we are spirit and soul that is wise and understanding and open to learn everything before us and behind us, no boundaries. Many of us have lost people we love and are suffering that void today and I pray we each understand our loss is their gain. Some may say well heaven depends on what they did while living, to them I say heaven depends on one Man/God alone. He did what He did for his creation. He laid down his perfect life for the one I have never been able to get right. I love this Lord, this holy Man, I love Jesus because He came to teach us a new way to live. He came to teach me to love God above all and my neighbor as myself. His message is still fresh and exciting today after thousands of years. His ways still above our ways. This God/Man came in absolute humility so I might trust He knows me and the error of my ways. I know how to love unconditionally because He first loved me this way. I know how to love my husband and children and my neighbor because He has loved me and given me His example to follow. This journey I am on is beautiful because I serve a God who said, "Father God forgive them (humanity) for they (humanity) know not what they do", this God declared from the cross you and I do not know what we are doing, and offered His forgiveness right then and there.  Because He made the way then and there we need  no one to tell us how to talk to God, no one, that journey is for YOU and HIM alone! Happy Easter friends!

My sin vs. Homosexual sin

I rise with purpose this morning. I rise to point out my sin. Now you may think this a useless task but for me it is a purging of my soul and mind. This exercise helps free the soul of the burden it carries. My sins are many and therefore may make folks just a bit uncomfortable but here goes. In my life I have lied, cheated, bore false witness, lusted for anything you can imagine. I have been a glutton. I have cursed God. I have had sex before marriage and I have cheated during my marriage. I have watched porn and lusted and fantasised about other men. I have cursed myself and others. I have taken what was not mine to take. I have been jealous of others good looks and good fortune and money. I have doubted God's love for me and doubted at times he cares or listens. I have been judgemental of everyone. I have let anger rule my heart. I have been mean and cruel to my family and friends. I have done every low thing you can imagine and you my friend will set next to me and believe I am a good person while judging the openly gay man on your other side.
I have no idea when or how or why gays became the open target of the church but it is time for it to end. Why you ask , well for starts their sin is no greater or less than yours or mine. You do realize the same bible that calls men lying with men an abomination, goes on to compare gossip to witchcraft. God calls something you do in your church and on the street witchcraft but that is some how not the same as an abomination, you do this in secret but no matter it is still witchcraft in the eyes of God? This is really sad because of all the people you have driven out of your churches and even families but it is almost laughable when you think how very judgemental you are about this one sin because you do not happen to partake in it! I pray for the day when people will not be concerned about their neighbors but keep a more watchful eye on themselves. I bet if I had a bird's eye view to your world all things would not be perfect and I might see you practicing witchcraft along with some other unsavory sins.

Homosexuals and marriage

Today many are in a great debate over homosexuals being able to marry. I find this issue hits close to home as my son ,Chase, is  a gay man. The great divide lies in the people who identify themselves from different religious doctrines that say marriage is for a man and woman. I was raised christian and pentecostal to be exact, so my beliefs were very strict and impossible to live by, daily I felt like a failure to God and to the church. Chase was raised in much the same way so I know he struggles in much the same way as I have, he has confessed to praying as a young man and asking God to remove these desires but to no avail, so acceptance of himself was his only choice. I as his mother have spent many days in absolute embarrassment for all the things I might have said in front of my son that would have made him feel diminished in his humanity. I have repented and asked God and Chase to forgive me. I believe today Chase understands how valued, loved and accepted he is in our home.
There are so many young men and women today out in this harsh cruel world who only want to love and be loved. They are asking our government to allow them to marry each other, marriage is a covenant between 2 people, to marry means to take a husband or a wife, legal marriage is the ability to define ones relationship as that of life partners, husband and husband or wife and wife or husband and wife. The bibical definition of marriage is a man and woman and in truth is not at stake, what God has joined together let no man put asunder. The only thing being asked is that EVERY human being be allowed to have "life, liberty and the pursuit  of happiness", which our constitution says is our right. Our religious institutions do not have to engage in these unions but they may not interfere in them either, as our constitution protects us from any religion dominating our religious or personal freedoms! I am sure many shall find my words heresy but I do not care because I serve a God of Love and when God is for me who can be against me and I live in a land that assures each person freedom and equality.
God Bless the good old USA !

Life Lessons

Life has a lesson to teach. The journey for some is much quicker than others. That old saying only the good die young, well those are the folks who learn early the lessons needed to make their journey to the other side. They may not remain in the flesh but the soul is alive and well and free of the bondage of this life. The lessons of the flesh learned and assimilated and they have moved on to the next level of life.
There have been moments in my life when I have felt like I must be stupid. Stupid because I have struggled with so many physical conditions and as my understanding works it tells me these are life lessons.  My personal journey has been riddled with pain and discomfort, seizures and migraines. For the most part I have kept a stiff upper lip and pressed on but not without anger and doubt, fear and depression. I will not stop but I might have to sit and rest a while.
I am learning the difference between my soul and my flesh. My flesh is the weakest part of my being. My soul  is that part of me that makes me dig deeper just as I am about to give up. My soul is what carries me through the storms as they rage and I feel like hiding in the darkness, my flesh wanting nothing more than rest and comfort. I am weak and I am strong, I am hopeful and I am full of despair. I am divided at  all times, my flesh weak and somber , my soul strong and sure. My soul deep from within my being trying to right me and keep me grounded while the weakness of my flesh tries to crush me with fear and doubt. I am a slow learner but I am ever keeping to the task. I want to learn these lessons because I have lived my life with such uncertainty for so long and I just want a calm in this storm for now.

Daughter - Friend

The weight in my chest is heavy because she says it is hard to breath. My love for her cannot be measured because I would give her health and happiness were it possible. She makes me smile with pride when I see her struggle against herself to be more than she is physically able, my heart breaks not once but over and over again, each time I see her fall. Everything in life I ever wanted to be she is and more. I am thankful God chose her and I to share this journey called life. I will forever owe her a debt I will never be able to repay but the good news is she asks little if anything of me. I am in love with this woman I call daughter and friend!I want for her dreams all to come true. I want this illness that she battles to cease and desist! I want her to experience all the joy life can possibly give! I want her to love and be loved!

I am selfish !

I wish I could be free like some folks......who seem happy go lucky all the time,( well at least while others are watching). I am as real as I can be. I am a real person who struggles each and everyday with keeping my head up and keeping my attitude positive. I struggle, my heart aches for the challenges I see others living with daily.  I know it is "crazy" to struggle like I do but living with my head in the sand is not an option. I want that my heart and soul would not feel this ache but that is not an option. Everywhere I turn I see people struggling and it is painful to watch. These people do not want my sympathy, they are just doing what they do, putting one foot in front of the other and living out the life before them but I have to wonder why they were singled out for such hardship.
I  spend many days angry on behalf of others and what seems like injustice to me. I am a rescuer, it is who I am and what I do and so much a part of my make-up I do not know how to change. I know it is wrong to rescue people from the things we must experience to make this life worth living  but I find myself wanting to help. I am working hard at trusting God with the lives of others and with the trials and tribulations he calls them to. God is a good God and I know this but I also know he is a hard God and has no need to explain himself to me. I pray his compassion for his creation causes him to pause and consider we who have no choice in the matter, we are here not of our own doing......we are here at his pleasure. We are here at God's bidding and we are here because we are his creation, made in his image.
I often hope my children will forgive me for bringing them into the world for my pleasure. I had children because I knew they would make my life a better place to be. I knew they would bring me joy and they have. My reasons were selfish and considering the condition of life and the world we live in , I ask them to forgive me. Watching them suffer or struggle in anyway reminds me of how very selfish and self serving I was when I had them with no regard for them and the suffering them may have to endure in this world. Life is hard and people are what makes the journey easier so I am thankful I have my children to share the journey with, I love them with every breath I breathe but that doesn't change the fact they are here because I did not want to be alone. My children bare the burden of my desire to be a Mom. I thank God for the gift they are to me and repent that I put myself before them when I made the decision to conceive them. They give me courage to hope and dream and replace my sadness with joy, so I owe them a debt I can never repay! Blessed to share my journey with John, Chase and Abigale!

What's wrong with anger?

Anger tends to make people uncomfortable, especially the one experiencing it. I find anger makes me off-put or off kilter. I have never thought anger was a good emotion. I have always been told anger makes you weak but I beg to differ. My anger makes me dig deep to find  what is at the root of my frustration. Anger is a warning signal something is amiss. I am becoming friends with this anger,( not by choice but because it is insatiable) it is trying to teach me the lessons I have always wanted to avoid.

Confrontation is a scary deal so I practice avoidance. I avoid people , places, things or situations that make me uncomfortable, when in fact I should have felt the feelings and let them teach me how to confront without having to get angry. I have instead let my frustration build till I had no idea what was causing me to be so angry and then would hurl my garbage out for anyone who would listen. I rant and rave about "all injustices" as opposed to dealing with them one by one as they come along. When a person practices avoidance they become angry and judgmental about everyone and everything around them, which is not a healthy attitude to have.
 I consider myself a very level headed person and so do most people who know me. My truth is not really all that honest because I in fact hide my anger and frustration so people think I am nice. I hide my anger and frustration with my family so as to keep everyone happy, at the expense of my own happiness. So I am more dishonest than most people know but I am trying to change that. I want to be able to let anger guide me to the proper target and then speak my truth in love. I want to speak to people and even to God about things that just don't set right and all the while release this poison that anger becomes when buried down deep inside.
 I am not a child I have a voice and I am going to use it to work out my fears and doubts with whomever, God or man. I am going to move past my fear of rejection and let my anger guide me and teach me to be brave enough to trust that my voice counts! To answer my question anger is a normal healthy emotion that spurs us to saying what needs to be said or asking the hard questions! I am going to feel my anger and then ask what it wants to teach me? Now enough anger for one day!