My Journey

I rise early and find solitude most mornings. There was a time when sleep would be all I needed but today I am looking into the face of a giant. I find it ironic that the Cancer in me is tiny but so fierce I must equate it with Goliath. I like the thought of being like David, a shepherd, who was no soldier but able to muster up the skill set to bring down Golith. This giant within me will take a destructive blow to my body tomorrow and the causality of this battle, my Breast. When this fight is over I must take cover until recovery is well underway and then I must prepare a new strategy and head back out to continue the campaign at hand. Unlike Goliath, my giant will not stand in the open, no he is more sinister, he hides in places I cannot see, it is I who have no cover. Tomorrow I shall be even more exposed but God and my surgeon shall give me the advantage to take down this monster hiding within. Yes, I am on the battlefield but I declare victory is mine no matter the cost!

My Journey

This morning before I was even was fully awake I was aware, aware that I am about to birth something new into my life. The days between my diagnosis and now I have felt many different emotions. The strongest feeling was first to run and now it much like the calm that comes over you when you are about to give birth. Many fears have passed over my mind and before they take root I try to snuff them out. When pure panic hits the heart I am at a loss to stop it, so I feel thankful my maternal instincts are taking over and trying to calm me. My body has betrayed me before and I have survived  and today is no different.  The hard part is still before me and I believe I can overcome every loss and still have my soul intact. I must allow that part of me that nurtures others to have full reign, so that I can fully heal and realize my highest potential in this life. I have always wanted to write and now find words being birthed daily out of these circumstances, so who knows just what this painfull ordeal may uncover, I know I trust God and the most beautiful things in life must first be born out of blood, water and much suffering.

My Journey

Not many words find me this morning, just happiness. Today I will take care of  getting my responsibilities at work taken care of and then pick out my Christmas tree for home. Oh the joys of Christmas, if one must have surgery then best they recouperate at home in a winter wonderland. I have completed most of my shopping for my kids and for the most part feel okay with the fact my Christmas shall be different than all those past. Part of me knows I must let go of all the things I do so that my healing may then come unabated. The most important lesson to learn may be that the world will find its way without me, well at least for a few months. I am feeling joy this morning and choose not to think of what the future holds unless it includes the joys of family and celebrating my Saviour. So I challenge you find you joy today no matter your circumstances!

My Journey

Last night found me frightened and paniced. I woke from sleep in a fear so big I wanted to run, every part of me was screaming like hell to get away from this unknown assailant, who is so relentlessly persuing me. The Cancer in me has been at work for at least 10 years they told me, 10 long years stalking my every move, then jumping out and assaulting me when I least expected it. How insidious is your assailant when they are able to just watch and wait till the time is right and a decade is not to big a deterant. Now that I know who it is that has haunted me all these years I can better understand all of the feelings of uncertainty and fatigue. Just a few years ago I fought for my life and sanity and here I am today doing the very same thing again only this time the attacker is taking body parts as a trophy to show dominance over me. The greatest tool I have against this assailant is my faith, hope, and love, love gives one super human courage and I am going to need it for the fight I am embarking on. One of my fears is that  I have to sustain this mental fortitude for at least a year to overcome this Goliath in front of me I have held on for longer but I was much younger then, today I must become like David to fully get this job done and I have been prepping most of my life for this race, unknowingly. Today a giant is in my face taunting me so I must find my stones and sling to clear the course before me and run with all my heart!

My Journey

My words escape me today. I am not certain what the future holds so how can I wax eloquently about the unknown? All I have the power to do is project my hopes forward. My hopes are to run threw this diagnosis and its upcoming surgery along with any other treatment like the strong line of women I come from. I am fortunate, I have been loved by some of the strongest women to walk the face of the planet and long after the death of many I am still in awe of the grace and beauty they lived with in the face of great adversity. My fortune has even extended to the women I grew up around, each of them having a story far from perfect but each of them super human in many ways. Women are extraordinary, we are the gatekeepers of all human life, we bring presidents, doctors, truck drivers, cooks, mechanics, musicians, teachers, queens and kings into this world, we have birthed the nations and we are responsible for all humanity present but still our greatest strength comes from the support we give each other and those we love. We work a lifetime setting in order the lives of those around us so they can live the most productive lives possible. Life as a woman is grand in many ways and exceptionally hard in others but most of all it is beautiful. I can only hope I walk through this fire with the grace, dignity and courage that those women I love had. One thing for certain being born a woman is an advantage not given to everyone, so today I celebrate my womanhood!

My Journey

Today I feel a calm certainty even tho I am preparing for my recovery and trying to get my house in order.  The world as I know it is in a state of unrest and I too am conflicted with unrest at times, I question how will I feel when the flesh that my babies slept on is no longer there, how will I feel the first time my husband puts his hands on my body and finds scarrs where my Breast use to be? How will I feel when my hair is gone and my head is bald? I feel certain that grief will hit me when the pain wears off but I am just as certain a calmness will follow when I know that I have done everything possible to be alive to live this abundant life I have been given.  I have choices to make each and every day, cry or move forward, fear or gladness, hope or sorrow, well my God gives beauty for ashes and I trust beauty comes from ashes.  The choice is mine and I will dance in this storm. I will get my home ready for the holidays and get my Christmas shopping done, I will live and experience joy unspeakable because that is what I choose. If my life were to be cut short by any means I would want to leave behind  a direct trail to the heavens, so I am going to find my way no matter how hard this journey may be. When all could be lost you realize, I am all I have to give and I want to give something beautiful to others and the beauty that the world thinks of shall be stripped away and never again shall I be whole physically, but I am more than what the eye can see.  Who is Pam that God is mindful of her? I believe with certainty that this trial shall uncover my true beauty and for that I am grateful. With blessed assurance I shall move forward and trust God no matter what tomorrow brings.

My Journey

On any given day we rise with no thought for anything but our responsibilities and where to start the day ahead. Today is different for me because I am aware of something that is changing the course of my life. My body is in a war against itself. Good cells are being attacked by bad cells. How does one approach fighting that which cannot be seen? This is where faith, hope and love come into the picture.
Faith is a major part of any healing. First I must have faith to believe that God has allowed this experience to come my way for a reason. Scripture teaches us that when we are afraid we are to trust him and it even goes so far as to say" tho He slay me yet I will trust Him." That my friends can be a  tall order when we are facing hardship but as for me and my house .....we SHALL serve the Lord and I wouldn't want it any other way.  Faith is believing what you cannot see is real and possible.
Hope is me wanting good things and planning for those very things. Hope lets me believe my tomorrow is possible. Hope lets me plan for that future without thought.
The greatest of all is LOVE, for love gives us strength we did not know possible. Love helps us reach down deep and give our all for the ones we feel that affection towards. Love undergirdes us with super human strength. Love motivates us to hold on and give more. Love will give us the strength to give our own life for another. The way I see it no greater gift can anyone give than his or her love, so I am moved by all the love expressed toward me and because of  faith, hope and love I believe I shall soon join the ranks of those who overcome in the face of adversity because love strengthenes my resolve. Thank you for loving me for I am stronger as a result and I need that strength to win this battle because even tho I cannot see Cancer it is at work in me and for me to win I must feed the cells love and hope and have faith in the course set before me.
I am in the fight of my life and you may be here too because you love me.

My Journey

Yesterday found me fighting panic attack after panic attack. At moments my heart feels overwhelmed by the noise of cancer. My understanding is void of how this could be in my body. Friday I was informed the Cancer was not the kind that would respond to certain new drugs that they are having great success with so chemo therapy is in my future. So apparently letting my breasts be sacrificed to save my life is not the only thing I shall lose. I would be lying if I did not say I am scared but not shaken. My faith and my friends are strong, the love of my family amazing but this battle is mine. Today I must do everything it takes to keep my mind from getting caught up in the fear of what next? I think I am going to join the gym so I can have a place to work out this energy that comes from the fight or flight syndrome I have causing me to feel paniced! I need a game plan that gives me purpose during my recovery.

Today I will finish up preparing for the holidays so that I can enjoy them during the healing of my body. I shall accept  that what ever I accomplish will be enough and I shall laugh with my daughter as we find the theme for our Christmas picture. I shall live each moment with gladness of heart and drown out the whispers in my mind stirring up fear. Today I shall find my way to the land of the living and set aside Cancer because right now it is still buried in my Breast far from where the eye can see.

My surgery Monday Dec.1st. 

Bilateral Masectomy

Pray for me and my family

Thank you

Pam

My Journey

The early morning hours call me and I rise. With wonder I am about to embark on a journey I did not plan and by no fault of their own everyone I love is going with me. These people God so richly blessed me to share my life with have no choice but to participate. I think this is the hardest thing to watch. Each of their faces becomes distorted with pain when they image all I may possible go thru.
I for once must lay down my agenda and put my own needs ahead of others and that friends is scary and going to be very hard for me.
I am the caregiver in this family and for me to give up that role and ask others to care for me is tugging at my heart strings. My personality was given to me at birth and I have nurtured the mother in me my whole life. Nothing has been sweeter than holding at my breast my own children and comforting my nieces and nephews and anyone who needed a soft place to land after a sad moment in life. I am truly good at nurturing others, I have a difficult time being the one in need of comfort. So much that I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love I experienced after sharing my first blog.
If love has the power to heal then I have no worries.
So let me encourage each of you to step out of your comfort zone and let others help you when possible because dear ones it is good for the soul!

My journey

I wake this morning to my new reality. Today I meet with a surgeon to discuss the removal of my breasts. This is the best choice for me, but it is hard for others. My husband is angry for the loss of something that has been pleasure to him and comfort. I cannot help but think of my breast being the source of life for my babies. I cannot recall all those who have laid their heads on my chest and been comforted. I have put babies that were not my own to sleep lying on the mounds of softness that put any pillow to shame. I stand before a mirror at the ripe old age of 54 and still marvel at their beauty, so how could they hold something so sinister that it would spread throughout my body and squeeze the life out of me? I have no answer, I cannot understand the why or the how but I can make it an easy transition or I can get angry and fight the fate I have been given. The truth is this is happening to me and I cannot put the jack back in the box, it is here, in my now, so I will move forward making each and every decision to the best of my abilities, so my request to you is pray for me that I might have wisdom and healing so I can continue to love and nurture others on my chest because even tho the mounds of soft flesh shall be gone the heart beneath that loves and nurtures shall remain!

My Journey

Today my personal journey has taken a turn I did not see coming. I am on the road and this road has a dangerous curve lying just before me. I must navigate the curve as tho I know what to do next. I have never been here before so how can I be sure that I am traveling at the right speed or that I'm going in the right direction? How can I navigate unfamiliar territory?
This sounds like life to me but it isn't just any life it is my life, I was busy living that life and suddenly I am given a diagnosis of breast cancer. How does one who feels great comprehend that information? Me and Cancer do not go together. I who have struggled with many illnesses have never even considered the possibility of cancer, never. So when my doctor looked at me and announced with sadness my situation I stumbled over my thoughts, my words and my emotions. Today I find myself comforting my loved ones, as they have taken my diagnosis harder than I have. Where does one go when the road takes a detour? Well I am going to slow down take each moment one at a time so I don't get lost. One day at a time, one moment at a time, one decision at a time and maybe I shall get where I am going without losing me!