My Journey

Trouble comes in many forms, mine came as cancer. I was busy minding my own life when a day of cleaning and nesting was disrupted by blood on the front of my shirt. I stopped everything to begin the maddness called breast cancer. I did not really think it was a possibility, my mind had settled on the fact that my family dies from heart disease and in truth a sudden heart attack seems like a nice quick departure, one you don't have to meditate on but just accept and move on to your new address like my father did 29 years ago. This whole cancer thing is a bit much, so many appointments and so many chances of reoccurrence. I am living my life as best as I can with no real worries about what the furture holds until women I know are being overtaken by the disease. My heart skips a beat every time I read of the loss.
I think the hardest part is what this disease requires from you and your loved ones. It eats away at you and robs you of so much time and it takes you piece by piece till you no longer recognize the person in the mirror. More than anything it changes how others see you.
Strength is required when managing  an illness this relentless. Courage is required when navigating the choices you must make but most of all patience is needed to help those around you find their way through this change life has thrown at you. My biggest fear is that I might become a burden to the very ones I love the most.....that is the scariest prospect of all to me. Every time you look into the face of those around you there is concern in their eyes. Love is the greatest of all the gifts we give others and love burdens us with responsibilities we often feel overwhelmed by but cannot escape. I never want to be a burden, I want to live fully till I die, I want to be free.

My journey

The sexual awkwardness that follows breast cancer can be devastating. I being a 55 year old woman am certain that my body image is great compared to most, but even so, I am deeply affected by the clumsiness that comes with sex after mastectomy. Breasts are such a comfortable part of sex, they are a dominate force in driving your sexual desire and they are the center of attention for foreplay. With their loss suddenly part of you becomes mute and unable to speak, unable to feel, unable to draw wanted attention. Now between you and the one you love is an empty space, a space neither of you can seem to bridge, his hands reaching then retreating. Because I chose not to get reconstruction there are scars left in the place my soft mounds of flesh use to reside and in the heart of my husband some resentment he may not even be aware of. We all make choices we think in our best interest and those choices affect everyone we love. Cancer was not my choice but rest assured I made an educated choice about how to deal with it and I know I made the best choice I could for me. I wish none of this had happened because the ripple effects seem to linger so much longer than one expects. No one can prepare you for all that follows a diagnosis like cancer, no one can prepare you for all the ways it will affect your life, no one can prepare you for all the losses that accompany having to remove body parts to have a chance to live. Life is such a journey of losses and gains it is our job to find all that is beautiful in this experience. For me the hardest part of the sexual dysfunction isn't how I feel but knowing someone who loves me finds it awkward to put his hands on my body, the person I love and share my bed with finds my body no longer sexually attractive. I am okay but he is not, cancer has robbed him just as much as it has robbed me and no one is talking to him about his losses. No one is asking him how it feels to run your hands over your wife's body and the fear that comes with missing the comfort of knowing where to place your hands. Without question we shall overcome our awkwardness just as we did when we were young lovers but until then we shall remain ever vigilant in our pursuit of each other and the joy that having a life mate to navigate through the world with. It was just yesterday we began our journey together and 35 years have come and gone, I think we shall weather this storm just fine. Life is full of uncertainty but I am certain love can fill the gap between my love and me!

My Jouney

The journey I am on is one that finds me looking upward, I look to the heavens for my hope, my peace and my strength. Life is so complicated, our entrance is marked with pain for the one who has carried us, others rejoice at our birth but only one knows the pain of our delivery. Pain and hardship are at the vein of our existence. We who spend a life time trying to deny that to be born means one must also die. We the human race who search out reasons to divide ourselves into little groups and deny our resemblance to our creator. Who are we that God is mindful of us, who are we to think we deserve anything? Who are we to place ourselves above any other? Who are we in the grand scheme of things?

Without love we are nothing! God is love and if we are made in His image then we too must be love. Love stands tall and sure in the midst of suffering. Love prevails over death and pain and lives eternal. Loves owes no debt. The power of love overcomes all the darkness in this world. Love overcomes fear and doubt. Love gives us courage to be free and to let go. Love is the great equalizer. Love gives us the strength to stand tall in the face of danger and pull the lost from certain destruction.  Love is our source and our strength. Love is power, power that is eternal, power that can cross time and space in a nano second, love that can reach down from the heavens and transform the heart of man. I shall look upward toward the heavens from which my strength comes and I shall not be afraid of all that life is and is not. I shall walk out my journey with the certainty of Gods love for me!

My Journey

This is the day that the Lord has made and I shall rejoice and be glad in it! On a beautiful October day my journey with breast cancer began with blood weeping from my breast. At the onset I knew there was something my body was trying to teach me. I think my breast wept for all my heartbreak, life it seems had a plan that I was not privy too. As a wife and mother I thought I must make everything perfect for those I loved, the weight of that expectation was crushing. I felt in so many ways I had failed my husband and children and had not given them what they needed to be happy themselves. Little did I know they had a destiny that did not include me, they had a calling on their lives just as important as all my ideas about them, so I had to let go and this is where my body began to mourn as I let go they became free and so did I. I have mourned many losses in my life but none like the letting go of what seemed to be my only true purpose, being their mother. I have never identified with anything so strongly as being John, Chase and Abigales mom. I never wanted anything more in life than to be a mom, it was always my highest calling so letting go and really trusting them and God with them was and is my greatest challenge yet in life. Today it seems cancer has been the catalyst God has used to open my hands and soften my grip so they can find their place in this world without me. I am walking out my destiny without holding on to them for security. I am finding out who I am without them and I think I like her. I see the world differently because cancer has stopped me from the madness of trying to make everything perfect and allowed me to embrace the beauty of imperfection. The imperfection of my missing breasts reminds me of the importance of letting go of things that may look beautiful but have the power to kill you if you hang on too long. I am renewed because I am letting go and trusting my higher power to lead me where I need to be. I am trusting where I am is where I am suppose to be and my identity comes from within not without. I am seeing people and the world as a beautiful place where tragic things happen that have the ability to bring about more beauty than the losses experienced. What cancer has taken cannot compare to all it has left me with, affirmation and love have filled me so full I must give it to others. I am more than I could ever hope to be because I have been graced with a sickness that may someday require my life but in truth the wake it has left in its path has opened my eyes to live a more beautiful life, so it is I who has gained, it is I who has thrived, it is I who win this battle because I have made cancer my teacher and I have become it student!

Women Supporting Women

My journey with Breast cancer began on a sweet October day. The smell of Autumn filled the air and I was cleaning my house feeling the joys of all my favorie holidays approaching. When I began to clean the mirror I noticed blood on my shirt just in front of my left nipple and upon inspection I found the blood was indeed weeping from my left Breast. There began the phone calls and the start of  a life changing event. In November I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Cancer and DCIS in my left Breast, it was Herr II positive, grade three with one tumor being almost 3 centimeters. I was blessed as there was no lymp node involvement. On December 1st I had a bilateral Masectomy, I wanted to be safe rather than have the constant worry of the other Breast developing cancer later, this was my decision and I opted to forgo reconstruction as well. Because of the type of cancer the grade and size of the tumor, chemo was the next best option to give me a fighting chance to have a great outcome, so on January 12th of this year I began chemo, ( Carboplatin, Taxotere, and Herceptine). I am now about to complete my chemo last treatment.  I can say I had a rough start due to a stomach virus during the first round of chemo but in truth it has been much easier than my mind had made it out to be. The most difficult moment for me was not the loss of my Breast but the loss of my hair as well. When seeing myself without hair and Breast I looked like my brothers and that felt harsh but in time I have  made friends with the person looking back at me and I realize she is on a journey and losses are part of her learning experience. The greatest help has been a positive outlook, your mind has power, keep everything as positive and normal as possible and you will find everything goes easier. I will be getting infusions of Herceptine for a full year so I will go every three weeks till next January for my treatment,  I decided to do everything possible now in hopes there will not be any reoccurrence. Only time will tell what the furture holds and my confidence lies in my higher power so I shall trust this Cancer has purpose.

Let me add a note to say this Cancer has served me in many ways. I am living a richer life in part because the weeping from my Breast woke me from apathy. I had been weeping internally for so many reasons I could not list them all. That day was a wake up call and I have been letting go of my perfectionism and enjoying the moment each and every day, I no longer take things for granted. I have become less judgemental and more accepting of people and life in general. I have fond an internal joy that I lost some time ago. Let this disease teach you how to live a better life and find the simple joys we have lost in trying to make a life for ourselves and our families.

My Journey

I am here sitting waiting out the weakness that has overtaken me. Today my strength has diminished but not left me completly. My body worn from all the assaults against it but still strong in its desire to overcome all that it has faced. I am able to do whatever is necessary to manage one more day. I feel certain I shall be stronger tomorrow. I feel certain my strength comes from my heart, soul and mind, trusting that all these experiences have undergirded me with hope, peace and love deeper than I knew possible. Everything that we face has purpose and meaning, everything we go through changes us at the very core of our being. Change has made me become dependent on the God of my understanding and trusting that in his infinite wisdom he has ordained my existence and everything that comes my way, so if I trust him then I have no need to fear. So today trust shall be the word of my heart and fear shall echo on deaf ears for I am more than an overcomer in Christ my Lord, I am mighty in faith, hope and love. Peace shall carry me when all else has failed for I am surrendered to this day and moment and I will walk out my truth and faith headed toward the prize of my calling, Christ my Lord. Without faith I am nothing but a hopeless experiment in evolution, with no real beginning only a certain end. I shall walk out my faith until I see the face of God and my hope is you shall too, for in our weakness we come to understand that our strength comes from our dependence on God!

My Journey

Winter never looked so grey. The isolation of cold, snow and ice only compound the darkness I am fighting within. This darkness is in the mind and at work against me, whispering things that make me overwhelmed with the physical battle I am in. This battle is one I am certain to win but nonetheless while it is waging on I feel beaten down, if only for the moment. I have never lived more in the present as anything more leaves me so restless I want to run. My body is weak and tired but my mind thinks it should be able to do more than it ever could. I am grateful for I am doing so much better than I though I ever would but still I want this over. I want nothing more than not having to live in fear that  if I hug someone I may catch an illness my body can't fight off. I want to engage in the world in a new and different way than I have ever before. I want to break out of my routine and be bold and brazen and carefree. I want the confines of winter and the constraints of this treatment to be behind me. I am blessed and I know that so I am not railing against God, I am just expressing the restlessness of my heart. I am just looking forward to the days of sunshine and  being treatment free. I am hoping against all hope that spring is coming and I am going to be able to enjoy it as I never have before. My life took a turn I wasn't expecting and I am going to learn all I can while in this struggle, because I am human. My humanity is being raised to a higher level due to my fight and my humanity is finding that were it not for the God of my understanding I would have been too broken to fix. I shall make it through this never ending winter and I shall sail the high seas and take in all the beauty this earth has to offer, after I fight the fight that is before me. I shall face this life with a new understanding and I shall break free from the frozen earth to claim my place in the sunshine once again. I will be glad for everyday of struggle will only make the beauty of my furture more vibrant! Today I shall find sunshine threw the clouds!

My Journey

This journey I am on has really tested every part of me. I have always thought I was strong even at my weakest moments but now I know how strong I really am. The physical challenges have been where I excell but this whole emotional roller coaster of looking in the mirror and not knowing the person looking back has shown me my true weakness. I have always been a Tom boy of sorts, never a real fussy, frilly girl. I grew up with four brothers and a very strong sister and I always felt like it was easy to go undetected. Today I am very self conscious and I don't like it. Never have I put a lot of thought in my appearance, I like looking sporty, not real fashion forward. I have always prided myself in being authentic, so wearing a wig or prosthetic breasts feels like I am not living my truth. My struggle is seeing myself as I am today, I don't look like my athletic fun loving self, I look like a sick person. I am eager to get past the chemotherapy so my life can return to normal. I am eager to get back on my bike and ride with the wind, I am eager to kayak the local water ways and put this all behind me but alas that mirror is ever ready to remind me that right here and now I must overcome the challenge at hand. The course has been set and I am going to remain happy and carefree while I do what I must to regain my healthy status. I am going to remember that the woman in the mirror is working hard to overcome something she never expected to face in life. I am going to work to make life better than it ever has been and I am going to embrace the person looking back at me in my mirror because she is overcoming and winning the battle against Cancer!

My Journey

Today I have come through my second chemo treatment and I can say I am blessed. All hair has been clipped from my head and so the cold is just a little colder but I am no worse for the loss. I see myself in the mirror and I look like a little old man with big eyes. I think the hardest part is avoiding people due to all the diseases going around this year. I am pretty certain I got the stomach bug the first round of chemo and it sent me to the ER. Sickness is no joke when your defenses are down. In truth my troubles are few when you compare them to others. I sit here this morning and feel so thankful for those who love me and have come to take care of me in one way or another, I am blessed. So far I am learning so much more than I realized I needed to know, Joy is a state of being present and seeing the world differently, life is beautiful and my part is very limited. I rise each day with little to give but much to learn and that is enough for me. Every journey is a single journey that can only be shared in moments and love is the greatest gift we can share. I am going to live each and every moment I can during my journey and love others when given the chance, I will find something to be thankful for in each and everyday because God is good and I only get to do this life Once!

My Journey

Today my hair has begun to fall out and mentally I told myself I might be the exception. As I stood before my mirror and felt the first hairs loosen at my touch tears seeped from eyes. My hair has always been full and thick and I love it, short or long. The trouble with losing my hair is this, if you see me as I am now you would never know I am sick, when I am bald I can no longer hide my battle, I shall be exposed. Let's face it no one wants to look sick or be sick for that matter but life does what it does and we make the best of it. So I shall find a way to make bald beautiful and embrace this as my extream make over! When May comes and I am done with chemo I shall emerge from my cocoon  and fly. I shall not take one day for granted, I shall enjoy everything more. Today as life marches on I will do what I must to stay full of joy and happiness, I will embrace my losses as gains. I will understand that I am better because I have endured and thrived during one of my greatest challenges of my life!

My Journey

Today I felt hair on my face when I woke, my first thought was here comes the next wave of demands. Cancer and the treatments are demanding, the saving grace, people. My journey only just begun has put me in direct contact with amazing people., people fighting the same battle. On the outside they look weak but they have strength and resolve like none I have ever seen. Their is a fear in each of their eyes but the fear is not for themselves but mostly for those who sit next to them holding their hand steading their gaite. Each person represents a family they love and this journey requires that those who love you get on the roller coaster with you. You try to keep your fear in check but you see it on the faces of those you love and you try not to react. Love is an amazing thing it gives you courage to move mountains and swim the seas to save the ones you love. Fortunate are we who are loved and love for each step we take in life someone else takes it with us, from the first one to our very last there are those who cheer us on and pray we get where we are going. Today I thank God for those who share our burdens in this life.

My Journey

In my life I have been sicker that I currently am. I have waged a war to reclaim my life and mind three years ago in fact. My conflict of health began as a young woman, once my periods started my world flipped upside down. Cramps and seizures came hand in hand, my best days were the days I was pregnant with my three children. I write not to get your sympathy or sorrow but to inform you of the life long battle I have fought to stay on the sunny side of life. My husband has endured me at my worst and loved me at my best. I have no right to complain as there are so many who have it much worse. The hormones of being female have never been kind to me with the exception of pregnancy and childbirth for then I was healthy and able to bare children with great gusto, baby #1, 10lbs 8oz, baby #2, 9lbs 10oz, baby #3, 9lbs 6 oz and all beautiful, these are my blessings. Health has been a struggle for years due in part to peri menopause, these hormones have sent me into a battle from hell. The migraines, nurological symptoms and overwhelming fatigue have been insurmountable at times but I never let that stop my life and my love for life.  I have been in battle with the most relentless giant,  my body. Today the battle continues and every factor has come back in play, I am older now and the energy it takes to overcome has put me at a distinct disadvantage but I will do my best to overcome. I pray that the wisdom that comes from growing older will help guide me into the best choices for my full recovery.
Those who read this are my friends, my request is that you would pray for me that I might make good choices concerning my health, that I might make decisions that lead to a full and absolute recovery of Heath! Thank you!

My Journey

There is something big about fighting cancer, it takes you way out of your comfort zone. It takes your body parts first then it goes after your heart and soul. I am a rebel by nature so I will not go down without a fight but it is funny my fight ain't as big as it used to be. Yesterday found me very ill, in fact   I was the sickest I have been since this journey started on October 1st. The sickness came over me in waves and left me retching on the floor but let me say there was a steel determination in me that kept me at peace during the whole process. The processes of my body were trying to rid me of Cancer and every poison thing in me and when it was over there was a clarity that came over me like none I have ever experienced. I shall do what I must till I am better and then I shall live like there is no tomorrow. I shall let go and be whole in a way I never dreamed possible. I shall walk in a peace that comes through great suffering, I shall become the woman I have always wanted to be. There is a sickness unto death but that sickness is one of the soul, the body will die but the soul is eternal and I shall rise out of these ashes with my soul intact. There something about this experience that reminds me of childbirth ......I shall travail until I am delivered from this flesh, I will labor till I am free and then I shall find the peace that comes from knowing God and His plan for my life!

My Journey

My first chemo treatment is done, I have 5 more to go and I am doing well. The fears associated with the treatment were not as bad as my imagination, so I am releaved. I am feeling thankful for each and every prayer spoken on my behalf as I am certain my strength comes as a direct result of all the love and prayers. This process has opened my eyes to a world of people who work hard everyday at just being healthy enough to live and love, some get treatments and head off to work without all the support I have experienced. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. I have family that honors me with every fiber of their being, I have never felt more loved and protected in my life. I intend to honor each of them with joy, love and respect for all they sacrifice so I can be home in full recovery mode. My sister has put me above herself by leaving home and coming here to walk with me through each step I have taken, she is my friend and life companion for all of my 54 years, there is nothing she will not do to make sure I am safe and cared for. So folks I have one job and that is to get through this and be the best I can be from this day forward, healing as fast as possible.
I did not ever think I would be a person facing Cancer but the plans we have pale in comparison to the plans of God. I am surrendered to this experience and I am going to learn everything I need too, so I might come out of this better than before. I can only hope I finish as strong as I have begun.

My journey

There is a raw anger inside that I must let go of if I am going to have a positive experience during my treatments. It seems a bit extream all the battles one must fight in a lifetime. Today I wake up angry, angry that I have made the decision to put poison in my body to keep Cancer from coming back later on in my life. Angry about all the damage the chemotherapy will do to my good cells just to keep bad cells from taking over. After going threw an extream peri-menopause I really thought I was home free, finally. Last year I had a heart exam that told me I was fit but needed to lose weight and bring my blood sugar down and I did both. Today I am angry that life just keeps mounting assault after assault against my physical body. I have always considered myself lucky in many ways but lately the struggles have been mounting. I have figured out that releasing these emotions gives me an advantage over my circumstances, so I am venting so I do not get overwhelmed. The loss of my breasts was the easiest battle I have had to face so far! For me letting go of my breasts was a decision for my health, but this whole chemo thing has me angry. Poison yourself so you can live, how does that even make sense? So here on this page I will release my anger and move forward with the plan so I might live to see my children marry and someday hold my grandchildren. I have made peace with this whole process because when you have that facts in front of you it opens your eyes to making the hard choices but still deep in the pit of my stomach I am dealing with anger. Anger might be just what I need to survive this whole ordeal and I am okay with that too. I am raw today because of my emotions, come Monday I will be raw because of chemicals burning out any remaining Cancer! Good news is emotions do not rule, logic and knowledge shall keep me focused and moving forward to my full and complete recovery!

My Journey

How does one live without faith? How does one put one foot in front of the other when they only believe in the things seen? I could not go forward without the hope of God and the possibility of seeing my loved ones again. Yesterday my son confessed he doesn't believe in God and my sorrow for him grew. He once told me he was gay and I embracd him and said that is okay but when he told me he no longer believes in God my heart hurt for him. There is a dispare that he is experiencing because he no longer has faith and that dispare is overwhelming him, he is angry and thinks running away  to live somewhere else will make his life better. I decare nothing but the intimate knowledge of Christ will bring him joy. I declare that of all the things I hoped to pass on to him in this life Christ is  the greatest of ALL. My heart feels heavy with dispare for my son because he is struggling alone without the beauty of the risen Saviour living in his heart. I have known since he was home there was a darkness he was fighting against. So here is my prayer for you, son.
Father in the name of Jesus walk with my boy, even when he rejects you be his ever present help in his time of trouble. Let him feel your love Lord even if he rejects it. Give him a peace that comes from knowing you. Take the blinders from his eyes and open them that he might see your goodness and mercy right here and right now. Lord his dispare is great and he drinks to ease it, please let him call on you and find peace in you and you alone. Lord this beautiful son you have given me has a sickness much worse than anything physical , please heal him and bring him back to the place of truth and understanding. Father redeem you boy back to you and forgive me for anything I have done to fail him and you. Father I thank you that you loved him before me and you love him more than me. I thank you that you seek him out for fellowship just as the Shepard seeks the lost sheep, so I shall rest in the knowledge that he is yours! Help every lost soul find their way home to you Lord that they may know your peace and experience fellowship that changes and transforms the heart of man with a love so profound that they become a new creation. Thank you Lord for you love. In Jesus name I ask these things. Amen

My Journey

Each day presents itself with new conditions and the only constant is me. How will I conduct myself? Will I be of a sound mind or will I give into my fears? Questions only I can answer. Fear is a dominating force when facing the unknown and keeping that fear in check is the most important thing one can do. In truth death is a daily threat to all of us young and old but fear will tell each of us we are execptional and our death will be harder than all the others before us. Watching someone die is much like watching birth, it is labor.  We either manage our emotions while navigating the struggle or we fall apart the choice is ours. Keeping active helps me manage my state of mind best, being out in the cold with the wind nipping at my face brings my attention fully forward and present. I find the best way to live is fully present and accounted for. The challenge life has thrown at me today is mine and I must keep a level head and trust the process while keeping my heart and mind on all that is important. I am one person, one speck of humanity, one blip in time so I must make my moment a good moment, fully engaged in my corner of this world. Today matters so in whatever way possible I will be a life force that fully engages with all those God places in my path, I will try not to get caught up in the details but find my hope and strength and share it with others. I pray for each of us we become better with each sunrise for time is short and our part in this history of time is quickly coming to a close.

My Journey

Happy New Year, 2015, what will this year hold for me and mine? The year has begun and I am hopeful for all it brings. Last year at its very start I set goals for my health, I wanted to lower my blood sugar and my weight, my blood sugar is down and my weight is down by 30 pounds, so I declare success. This new year presents me with new health issues and I feel certain I shall overcome them  as well.
This year I want to live a more honest life. I want to give of myself to others but not out of obligation, out of love. I want to experience Joy and laughter again like I did as a child. I want a liberty in life I lost as I grew up and became a wife, mother, and business owner. I want to live in each and every moment with those present, not thinking of anything but what stands before me. I am declaring myself free from this moment on. I am free to be happy and love in a way I have forgotten. I am free to walk about on this earth with no agenda, living one day at a time.  I shall live giving the very thing I seek, liberty, in this way I shall truly be free. My body may hold me captive to an illness I did not see coming but my mind and my spirit shall be free so soar over the year ahead and find each and every special moment and hold them near and dear to my heart. I am going to find joy, I am going to explore, I am going to love when given the chance and I am going to experience freedom in a way I never dreamed possible this year, for I am free to chose my attitude over each and everyday. May you too find what matters most in this year of possibilities!