My Journey

Winter never looked so grey. The isolation of cold, snow and ice only compound the darkness I am fighting within. This darkness is in the mind and at work against me, whispering things that make me overwhelmed with the physical battle I am in. This battle is one I am certain to win but nonetheless while it is waging on I feel beaten down, if only for the moment. I have never lived more in the present as anything more leaves me so restless I want to run. My body is weak and tired but my mind thinks it should be able to do more than it ever could. I am grateful for I am doing so much better than I though I ever would but still I want this over. I want nothing more than not having to live in fear that  if I hug someone I may catch an illness my body can't fight off. I want to engage in the world in a new and different way than I have ever before. I want to break out of my routine and be bold and brazen and carefree. I want the confines of winter and the constraints of this treatment to be behind me. I am blessed and I know that so I am not railing against God, I am just expressing the restlessness of my heart. I am just looking forward to the days of sunshine and  being treatment free. I am hoping against all hope that spring is coming and I am going to be able to enjoy it as I never have before. My life took a turn I wasn't expecting and I am going to learn all I can while in this struggle, because I am human. My humanity is being raised to a higher level due to my fight and my humanity is finding that were it not for the God of my understanding I would have been too broken to fix. I shall make it through this never ending winter and I shall sail the high seas and take in all the beauty this earth has to offer, after I fight the fight that is before me. I shall face this life with a new understanding and I shall break free from the frozen earth to claim my place in the sunshine once again. I will be glad for everyday of struggle will only make the beauty of my furture more vibrant! Today I shall find sunshine threw the clouds!