Celebrating Alcohol

I want to write about a topic that will cause a lot of people to be uncomfortable. Alcohol is a threat to our families, our lives and our health. It is the most insidious of all drugs, why, because I can walk into any store and buy it and people think nothing of it. Alcohol is a drug and it has the same effects on your body as other drugs , it alters your reality! I am watching one by one people I love lose everything they have to their lust for it and everyone acts as tho it is not really an issue. I am saddened by the abuse of it and the way it becomes a part of the chemistry of a person's blood. They wake every day and no longer do the people they love become their first thought but when they will drink or how or where does. They wake without the ability to function apart from it. I am desperate for a way to open eyes to see how alcohol has a life of its own and at some point it owns you. Read most of the posts from our children and they celebrate something everyday with it. I am convinced the world will be taken over one person( by alcohol) at a time as people are busy consuming and never present enough to know what is happening. Gone are the days when people consumed to celebrate real things such as a marriage or birth or graduation, no today "I got a pedicure" seems to be enough to insight people to a three day binge I write to set myself free from the responsibility of fixing the broken, see in fact I am powerless, I only have words. I have always had a problem with alcohol myself, if I drink one I seem to drink 3 or 4 whatever is necessary to lose myself . If I drink I am shaking off my inhibitions and about to cut loose. I am pretty able to cut loose without alcohol but with it I am fearless so I understand the drawing power it has, I want to be childlike and carefree, who doesn't? Responsibility keeps me in check. I have no one other than me to pay my bills or to do my job, I must answer to the woman in the mirror. I am watching people lose everything because they cannot control the life they live due in fact to giving over to this lust of the flesh ! I know way to many homes where one person keeps the checks and balances so the other can throw caution to the wind and give over to this demon lust. I write today for one reason and one alone, if you see yourself in my words I am not writing about YOU! If you identify with them then this may be a moment where you want to come clean with YOURSELF! I am not writing about one person but many! I am writing about my life experiences and want to say here "DO NOT LET YOUR LIFE BE OVER TAKEN BY ANYTHING!" Do not lie to the most important person you will ever know "YOU!" Come clean with yourself that is all I can hope for! My writings are in fact the way I purge my own soul so I can clearly see the road before me and learn from my past, these are only meant to release me from my own bondage's, my hope is along the way others may be set free too !

Stillness vs activity

Living must be more than existing! Sorrow and trials are a part of the human existence just as happiness and joy are. When we come to the place where we only function we must step back and reevaluate ! As a physical being I am just as the animals , it is my spirit that gives me a step up in the order of life. I must honor that order and become all it means to be human. I must take authority over what I can. Their are times when the physical body I have been given, limits me, holds me down but my spirit it has the ability to soar over this constraint. I will be more than my body allows me. I will find ways to overcome my handicap. I will become a vessel that lets flow through it the life essence and to me the life essence is love! I can some days only live on my sofa but it is those days I am determined to reach out more. I really think God in His infinite wisdom knows people like me would never stop being physical and explore the spiritual, if we were not made to by some inconvenience such as a physical barrier like seizures or say MS. God knows some of us are prone to just doing and never take the time to "BE." Being is part of the human and we must embrace it and nurture it just as we exercise our flesh! So today after many days of good health a person I love dearly reminder me to write. Share my uniqueness with other special people who may not be feeling as well as I am today !
These words and thoughts I dedicate to my Sister MaryBeth ! I love you and hope your body heals as a result of love extended from my heart to yours ! I love you !

Reading !

Learning is what I am on a mission to do for all the days of my life! I am a simple woman from simple people and please let me qualify that when I say simple I am not referring to anything but our way of life. I make it my mission to keep my things as laid back as possible but if there is one area I need to challenge myself in more it would be education. Formal education is one way to learn but not the only way. I choose everyday to pick up a book and read. I read for education and occasionally for entertainment. I love reading , I remember when the children were small " Reading Rainbow" was a program they watched at my leading because it was a window to the world of reading. My window to the world of reading was in the house next door to where I grew up. Her name was Annabelle and she encouraged me to read for the entertainment value and that was the door that gave me vision to see how very big the world really was. I will be eternally grateful to her for giving me that encouragement! Reading is imperative to life. Those who do not open their minds to learning seem to stay in a time warp. Learning creates an environment that "should" never let anyone become arrogant , I believe the more you learn the more humble it should make you. I could read every book known to man and still it would only be a drop in the bucket to all there is to know! Reading , learning, researching these are things that I do without much thought and I know my personality drives me this way, so with that knowledge I understand all people are not alike so I would be arrogant and wrong to think everyone should feel as I do but today let me challenge you to pick up a book and read for entertainment and learn something about people or life you did not know before, now go on grab that book you bought a long time ago , blow the dust off and read , go to a new place or experience a new opinion , just do it !

Selfish am I

Today I am saddened by the news of more sickness in yet another family. Sometimes the load becomes almost to much to bare. Family and friends and even strangers stories come forth with great sorrow, sadness and suffering. My heart breaks for so many I do not know where to start, so maybe I will start with a thought I had last night while I lie awake listening to my husband tossing and turning trying to find a position that would alleviate his pain.
I thought right then and there how very selfish it was of me to bring my children into this world. MY sons and daughter have to go thru so much because I wanted something or someone to make my days brighter. I felt sick inside when I thought they may die without me there to hold their hands and whisper in their ears that all will be OK. I will not be able to be there for them in all that life throws at them. I just feel selfish ! I hear people celebrating everyday the birth of children and not one of us takes the time to think what we ask of a soul when we choose to bring them into the world without their consent. How do we knowingly bring humans into the world to participate in the difficulties without once sitting down and thinking of all the possibilities? Brad and I will die more than likely before our children leaving them here to find a way . We never once thought what it would or could be like if we left them prematurely . I know we gave them everything we possibly could and they are each quite able to navigate the world without us but that doesn't mean it is right to ask that of them.
I guess I am sorry and need to say my world has been made beautiful because I share it with them but I am certain I had my own best interests at heart when I brought them into this world.
Life is hard but watching the ones you love suffer is even harder. I pray that my family finds the peace of God to comfort them when I can't . I pray as I watch my friends and family get older and one by one have to say goodbye I never forget what an honor and blessing it has been to walk this lonesome road with them. I pray God gives us all the strength to get to the other side with peace and joy still in tact.I am sad today for the loss of life, the sickness and the broken homes and families I see today. May God forgive my anger and doubts when I questions His plan for humanity but today I wonder if God Himself isn't selfish ?

Family

Family is so much more than parents and children. Family is much wider and deeper than this. Family begins with two people falling in love and the union of that love produces humans who make the two so much more than they ever thought possible. Children , grandparents, aunts , uncles and cousins make the picture bigger and much deeper than one could imagine. Each family member a part of the other but yet one unto himself. Each person somehow feeling the need to answer to the whole. The weight of love overwhelming at times and yet able to give strength to each individual when needed. Family is a strong but crushing burden and joy but most always a blessing to each member. Each a part of the other but yet single in flesh and soul and responsibility. Living outside the boundaries of the clan of family we are someone completely different, inside we fall into the order of the tribe. We do what is expected mostly and if we do defy the order , if we march out of step , we risk the condemnation of the whole. Family is a claim others can make on our lives and expect a certain outcome. Family is beautiful and ugly. Family at its best leads and guides but never commands. Freedom to learn and grow within its safety should be the hope of all members but in most there are those who feel they have rights to anyone member because it serves the greater good or their personal desires. The function of a family should be to love and guide the individual to become all s/he can be, while giving the best foundation possible. Family should set free each member with no fear of who they will become trusting that the nurturing and education given within the family along with their love will prevail. Fear should never dominate any family, all things family should be the result of love and confidence that each member is a reflection of the whole. So family is the training ground for the individual, and a place for each member to return when they need to be refilled and encouraged. Family is never just restricted to blood relatives as friends can become a part of the clan and tribe of support and love, because love is the binding agent that makes and holds a family together and sets it free ! Love your family and hold them with arms open wide so each member may be all they are able to be without fear of disappointing anyone especially themselves. Love family with no conditions or strings , unconditional love makes the best humans possible!

My truest FRIEND !

Faith is a huge part of who I am. I cannot dismiss this any more than I could the color of my eyes (green). I have grown up with a strong convicton about God . I believe, this is the very foundation of my strength. I question Him all the time just as our children do us while they are young and finding their way in this world for the first time. God seems to be amused by our questions and I believe He enjoys our minds and the way we constantly look for answers in black and white. My relationship with God has grown as I have and for now at least it seems to be at a good place. I find I talk to God much like I would a friend sitting next to me. I have changed the way I relate to Him over the years. As a young woman I called on Him in a very formal way but as I have grown I see Him more as my friend. I can truly say I love God and would find it hard to navigate this world without Him. I can say without a doubt that I would be a mental case unable to do much of anything were it not for the companionship we share. In many other cultures I suppose people would see this as blasphemy but scripture tells us in all His closest biblical relationships God called His creation friend. Today I declare I want nothing more than to be considered a friend to God and God to me! Just as my children have grown up and consider me a friend as well as their mother, I want to give something back to God and my love and friendship are really all I can offer Him. I can never hope to tell God anything He doesn't already know but as I share my life, love is transferred in the intimate details and I really believe this is all God wants, someone to love! So in the circle of life God and man are not so different , we only want someone to love and someone to love us! Friendship what a gift !

Sick and tired of being sick and tired

My life is not like most or maybe it is! I suffer from seizures and migraines. Some days my life is not my own because my illness takes over and I am subject to where ever it takes me. Today I woke with a headache that is so bad I am fighting off a panic attack. I went back to bed after taking some ibuprofen and proceeded to have a mini panic attack, so I got up to get my mind off the pain behind my right eye and find myself here writing. Writing is my outlet and makes me feel less alone! Really if we all are truthful alone is how we spend the majority of our lives especially if we are ill. My illness only owns me when I am forced to rest as a result of it. Rest can feel like prison when there are things you want to do. Illness can be debilitating when people treat you like you're different. Some times people think you are a slacker and use your health as an excuse to not participate in things that need to be done. I once called my Dr to say I would not be able to make the appointment because I was too ill and the nurse almost laughed in my face. People who do not know this kind of disabling pain and loss of function do not comprehend what it is like to need rest . My body will throw me into days of auras or full blown seizures and weakness that is beyond tired, the tired I speak of will make it impossible to read or watch TV. I express this today because there are those out there who know just what I am talking about and I write this for those out there who think people like me are weak and don't care enough. I want you to know I am strong , everyday I work twice as hard as you just to maintain myself and on those bad days I use every thing in me and the help of God to get on my feet and do what I can do! I am not lazy , I am not weak but I am strong and I have courage not to let this overwhelming illness consume me. Nor will I let it rob me of my joy in life or my relationships. I will never take one day for granted I will celebrate my good days and push myself on my bad ones but I will live like no one else because I look sickness in the face more often than most and I come out on the other side a better woman. Sickness has been my foe as long as I can remember but today I will be it's master and pick myself up and put one foot in front of the other and take care of my life and the lives of those I love. I am going to do all I can to live till I die and fear will not be a guest I entertain for even a second. This body has it's flaws but my spirit is bigger than my flesh and so I will soar even on my sofa or in my bed , I will not be held captive for long because my body and my spirit may inhabit the same place but they are not on the same playing field! The spirit of man has a greater destiny than the flesh. My spirit is eternal and so is my will.