My Journey

This is the day that the Lord has made and I shall rejoice and be glad in it! On a beautiful October day my journey with breast cancer began with blood weeping from my breast. At the onset I knew there was something my body was trying to teach me. I think my breast wept for all my heartbreak, life it seems had a plan that I was not privy too. As a wife and mother I thought I must make everything perfect for those I loved, the weight of that expectation was crushing. I felt in so many ways I had failed my husband and children and had not given them what they needed to be happy themselves. Little did I know they had a destiny that did not include me, they had a calling on their lives just as important as all my ideas about them, so I had to let go and this is where my body began to mourn as I let go they became free and so did I. I have mourned many losses in my life but none like the letting go of what seemed to be my only true purpose, being their mother. I have never identified with anything so strongly as being John, Chase and Abigales mom. I never wanted anything more in life than to be a mom, it was always my highest calling so letting go and really trusting them and God with them was and is my greatest challenge yet in life. Today it seems cancer has been the catalyst God has used to open my hands and soften my grip so they can find their place in this world without me. I am walking out my destiny without holding on to them for security. I am finding out who I am without them and I think I like her. I see the world differently because cancer has stopped me from the madness of trying to make everything perfect and allowed me to embrace the beauty of imperfection. The imperfection of my missing breasts reminds me of the importance of letting go of things that may look beautiful but have the power to kill you if you hang on too long. I am renewed because I am letting go and trusting my higher power to lead me where I need to be. I am trusting where I am is where I am suppose to be and my identity comes from within not without. I am seeing people and the world as a beautiful place where tragic things happen that have the ability to bring about more beauty than the losses experienced. What cancer has taken cannot compare to all it has left me with, affirmation and love have filled me so full I must give it to others. I am more than I could ever hope to be because I have been graced with a sickness that may someday require my life but in truth the wake it has left in its path has opened my eyes to live a more beautiful life, so it is I who has gained, it is I who has thrived, it is I who win this battle because I have made cancer my teacher and I have become it student!

Women Supporting Women

My journey with Breast cancer began on a sweet October day. The smell of Autumn filled the air and I was cleaning my house feeling the joys of all my favorie holidays approaching. When I began to clean the mirror I noticed blood on my shirt just in front of my left nipple and upon inspection I found the blood was indeed weeping from my left Breast. There began the phone calls and the start of  a life changing event. In November I was diagnosed with Invasive Ductal Cancer and DCIS in my left Breast, it was Herr II positive, grade three with one tumor being almost 3 centimeters. I was blessed as there was no lymp node involvement. On December 1st I had a bilateral Masectomy, I wanted to be safe rather than have the constant worry of the other Breast developing cancer later, this was my decision and I opted to forgo reconstruction as well. Because of the type of cancer the grade and size of the tumor, chemo was the next best option to give me a fighting chance to have a great outcome, so on January 12th of this year I began chemo, ( Carboplatin, Taxotere, and Herceptine). I am now about to complete my chemo last treatment.  I can say I had a rough start due to a stomach virus during the first round of chemo but in truth it has been much easier than my mind had made it out to be. The most difficult moment for me was not the loss of my Breast but the loss of my hair as well. When seeing myself without hair and Breast I looked like my brothers and that felt harsh but in time I have  made friends with the person looking back at me and I realize she is on a journey and losses are part of her learning experience. The greatest help has been a positive outlook, your mind has power, keep everything as positive and normal as possible and you will find everything goes easier. I will be getting infusions of Herceptine for a full year so I will go every three weeks till next January for my treatment,  I decided to do everything possible now in hopes there will not be any reoccurrence. Only time will tell what the furture holds and my confidence lies in my higher power so I shall trust this Cancer has purpose.

Let me add a note to say this Cancer has served me in many ways. I am living a richer life in part because the weeping from my Breast woke me from apathy. I had been weeping internally for so many reasons I could not list them all. That day was a wake up call and I have been letting go of my perfectionism and enjoying the moment each and every day, I no longer take things for granted. I have become less judgemental and more accepting of people and life in general. I have fond an internal joy that I lost some time ago. Let this disease teach you how to live a better life and find the simple joys we have lost in trying to make a life for ourselves and our families.

My Journey

I am here sitting waiting out the weakness that has overtaken me. Today my strength has diminished but not left me completly. My body worn from all the assaults against it but still strong in its desire to overcome all that it has faced. I am able to do whatever is necessary to manage one more day. I feel certain I shall be stronger tomorrow. I feel certain my strength comes from my heart, soul and mind, trusting that all these experiences have undergirded me with hope, peace and love deeper than I knew possible. Everything that we face has purpose and meaning, everything we go through changes us at the very core of our being. Change has made me become dependent on the God of my understanding and trusting that in his infinite wisdom he has ordained my existence and everything that comes my way, so if I trust him then I have no need to fear. So today trust shall be the word of my heart and fear shall echo on deaf ears for I am more than an overcomer in Christ my Lord, I am mighty in faith, hope and love. Peace shall carry me when all else has failed for I am surrendered to this day and moment and I will walk out my truth and faith headed toward the prize of my calling, Christ my Lord. Without faith I am nothing but a hopeless experiment in evolution, with no real beginning only a certain end. I shall walk out my faith until I see the face of God and my hope is you shall too, for in our weakness we come to understand that our strength comes from our dependence on God!

My Journey

Winter never looked so grey. The isolation of cold, snow and ice only compound the darkness I am fighting within. This darkness is in the mind and at work against me, whispering things that make me overwhelmed with the physical battle I am in. This battle is one I am certain to win but nonetheless while it is waging on I feel beaten down, if only for the moment. I have never lived more in the present as anything more leaves me so restless I want to run. My body is weak and tired but my mind thinks it should be able to do more than it ever could. I am grateful for I am doing so much better than I though I ever would but still I want this over. I want nothing more than not having to live in fear that  if I hug someone I may catch an illness my body can't fight off. I want to engage in the world in a new and different way than I have ever before. I want to break out of my routine and be bold and brazen and carefree. I want the confines of winter and the constraints of this treatment to be behind me. I am blessed and I know that so I am not railing against God, I am just expressing the restlessness of my heart. I am just looking forward to the days of sunshine and  being treatment free. I am hoping against all hope that spring is coming and I am going to be able to enjoy it as I never have before. My life took a turn I wasn't expecting and I am going to learn all I can while in this struggle, because I am human. My humanity is being raised to a higher level due to my fight and my humanity is finding that were it not for the God of my understanding I would have been too broken to fix. I shall make it through this never ending winter and I shall sail the high seas and take in all the beauty this earth has to offer, after I fight the fight that is before me. I shall face this life with a new understanding and I shall break free from the frozen earth to claim my place in the sunshine once again. I will be glad for everyday of struggle will only make the beauty of my furture more vibrant! Today I shall find sunshine threw the clouds!

My Journey

This journey I am on has really tested every part of me. I have always thought I was strong even at my weakest moments but now I know how strong I really am. The physical challenges have been where I excell but this whole emotional roller coaster of looking in the mirror and not knowing the person looking back has shown me my true weakness. I have always been a Tom boy of sorts, never a real fussy, frilly girl. I grew up with four brothers and a very strong sister and I always felt like it was easy to go undetected. Today I am very self conscious and I don't like it. Never have I put a lot of thought in my appearance, I like looking sporty, not real fashion forward. I have always prided myself in being authentic, so wearing a wig or prosthetic breasts feels like I am not living my truth. My struggle is seeing myself as I am today, I don't look like my athletic fun loving self, I look like a sick person. I am eager to get past the chemotherapy so my life can return to normal. I am eager to get back on my bike and ride with the wind, I am eager to kayak the local water ways and put this all behind me but alas that mirror is ever ready to remind me that right here and now I must overcome the challenge at hand. The course has been set and I am going to remain happy and carefree while I do what I must to regain my healthy status. I am going to remember that the woman in the mirror is working hard to overcome something she never expected to face in life. I am going to work to make life better than it ever has been and I am going to embrace the person looking back at me in my mirror because she is overcoming and winning the battle against Cancer!

My Journey

Today I have come through my second chemo treatment and I can say I am blessed. All hair has been clipped from my head and so the cold is just a little colder but I am no worse for the loss. I see myself in the mirror and I look like a little old man with big eyes. I think the hardest part is avoiding people due to all the diseases going around this year. I am pretty certain I got the stomach bug the first round of chemo and it sent me to the ER. Sickness is no joke when your defenses are down. In truth my troubles are few when you compare them to others. I sit here this morning and feel so thankful for those who love me and have come to take care of me in one way or another, I am blessed. So far I am learning so much more than I realized I needed to know, Joy is a state of being present and seeing the world differently, life is beautiful and my part is very limited. I rise each day with little to give but much to learn and that is enough for me. Every journey is a single journey that can only be shared in moments and love is the greatest gift we can share. I am going to live each and every moment I can during my journey and love others when given the chance, I will find something to be thankful for in each and everyday because God is good and I only get to do this life Once!