One year ago

One year ago I was ill very ill. My body and mind were weary from everything, my head was in constant pain and my body was no longer under my control as it began to move and jump without my consent. One year ago I spent most all my time in a dark room with sunglasses on to protect my eyes from the light. Everything seemed so sharp that it brought instant pain and great discomfort to my eyes. My body would jolt as I lay down to sleep or whenever I tried to relax. I have never been at such a loss of control over my own physical body; I was a waste land. I could not think or reason but I knew enough to try to get help. I have a seizure disorder so I know what being out of control feels like and how much fear it can invoke but this was worse by comparison because the threat was constant, relentless. To make my long story short I ended up in the hospital for 6 days trying to find the cause of my illness. I was diagnosed with migraines but in truth  no one knows just what caused all my symptoms.
The best part of my story is the aftermath, I have started working on trusting God more. Everyday I played God in my life and in the lives of those I love and the weight of it was getting old. I am not God and in fact I need him to fix me. I am at best a good person with selfish motives and desires. I am just an ordinary run of the mill woman who needs God to give me hope and restore my vision. Every time I think I have made headway in this world I find myself failing yet again , so I need God to take me where I cannot go alone. I need God to give me love when I want to hate. I need God to hold my tongue when I want to slander and gossip. I need God to help me put one foot in front of the other when I have lost my will and my way. I need God to restore me because I am so busy judging others I cannot be effective in my testimony of his faithfulness. I need God so desperately and I am not ashamed to say all the scripture quoting in the world cannot heal me only relationship with a loving and just and forgiving God can. The illness that held me captive just one year ago can not compare to the illness of not having a relationship with my heavenly Father  could do to me. One year ago I became more aware than ever I need my Lord more than anyone or anything this world has to offer! One year ago I learned to live in the moment and that will be enough for me! One year ago I was a different woman!