The Journey

Today I find myself challenged to be more, to test my limits. I am a writer and that is my calling, which brings me to my knees with humility. I cannot spell for beans and I have a very  limited area on which I like to write but that will no longer dissuade me from my calling. I have decided to return to college and work on the two things I love to do, write and become a life coach or counselor. I am making this declaration here as I have been feeling this inner prodding for some time. Today I have clarity and being who I am and concentrating on what brings me joy is what I will pursue, not money!
 The path that led me here came in the form of a family crisis. All things work together for our good if only we will let them. Our Lord and our life will lead us where we need to go, we just have to be willing to follow. Today the scales are being removed from my eyes and my vision is being restored. The future is full of so much possibility and I am going to go where I must to make it a beautiful place to be. I am a dreamer always have been and always will be. The trouble I have had for some time now is I have been busy dreaming for others. When I was a little girl I had vision to be all the things possible, a mother, a wife , a doctor, a therapist, a singer living the dream. As of late I have just tried to make sure that others had a world where their dreams would be possible and come true. Friends you cannot dream others dreams. Today instead of trying to do for others what they must do for themselves I must lead by example.
All the fear in the world may come rushing at me but I will no longer be subject to fear, no I will trample under foot all those things that try to stop my progress toward becoming who I was fully created to be.
I had a professor once in one of my religious studies classes tell me I should get formal training as he thought I would be an amazing writer.........well I am taking his advice and jumping off into the deep end!
Today we must challenge ourselves to do the one thing that strikes fear in our hearts ......it may very well be the thing that also brings the most growth to our heart and soul and thereby our world!
 Thanking God for helping me overcome my fears, praying you find your calling too!

Depression

I am writing today about something I have experienced often in life, depression. I am a person who struggles with sadness and anxiety and often despondency. People who do not know me well and even the ones who do are often shocked when I tell them this.  I think depression is a part of the genetic make up of my mom's DNA and thereby transferred to me because she and her family seem to have a lot of trouble with it as well. I write so as to find my way out of the storm. The past few years have been cloudy and sometimes very dark for me. I do have a great life and all the experiences have only deepened my love and ability to empathise but truth is I want a break. Some of the reasons I have experienced depression have been spawned by events such as ER visits, car accidents, illnesses, being a care giver for sick family, surgeries, life in general and death of loved ones. Those are all legit reasons to be depressed but in between I am one of those women who gets the highs and lows of my menstrual cycle to make the events last longer and to spark new episodes when the storm has already calmed. I am tired of not having motivation to do anything exciting or otherwise........I am in a rut. I want the energy and drive to get things done like I used to have. Some days it is all I can do to keep my home clean. I want to paint and do yard work but can't seem to motivate myself! How do you get past fatigue and depression when you are fighting migraines and body aches and all the messy stuff that comes with peri-menopause while living an already full life? I am in a flux but good news is I am not willing to stay here! I am going to open my pool this week and begin a long put off painting project in my house! I write today so my words will spur me to action! I am making a formal declaration here and now before everyone I know ........... Pam is picking up her sorry tired behind and getting on with the beautification of her home and life! I am going to read more as well and do things that feed my soul ! I am going to make a change, so if you see me with paint in my hair or a deep dark savage tan, I'm just getting on with my life, working through all the things that try to keep me down! So onward and upward and I hope you find your happy place today too!

Prayer

I will lift up the name of the Lord with my voice and when that fails with my mind! I will exalt the Lord most high at all times. I fail God so often but in truth he never fails me! I come before you Lord unclean with spots and blemishes everywhere, within and without. I have come before you because I need a holy , pure and righteous propitiation, for my sins are many. I am full of faults and unclean, even on my best day I am blinded by my own sin, unable to see what I most need to change. I am your fallen child, your prodigal daughter. If you waited for me to become holy there would be no hope. I am what I am and everyday I am reminded just how feeble my attempts are at serving you. I am rebellious by my very nature and were it not for your grace and mercy there would be no hope for one such as I. My sin pales in comparison to your perfection and beauty and strengths tho. The light of your love overcomes my darkest moments and reveals to me who I am and makes me aware of who I want to be. I am in awe of your amazing grace, for through you and by you have I been made acceptable in your sight. You alone are beauty and hope, peace and mercy, grace and dignity. You Lord most high give me reason to be hopeful. Your love is my only hope. Your love finds me when I am about to give up and compels me to be more and give more. Your love most high Saviour is what keeps my feet on this earth for I am compelled by that love to dig deeper and forgive when I want to hate. Your love has overcome my anger and hatred and helps me to be someone more than I could ever hope to be.  Lord you alone are worthy of my devotion, for you have made me want to be so much more than flesh and blood! I will incline my ears and eyes and my heart to make this body your home. I will lift my eyes to watch you, I will listen to hear you and I will open my heart to obey you. I am your captive by choice forever grateful that you desire one as unworthy as me to fellowship with. I am and will forever be yours.Amen



Free to be me!

I am here writing my words getting my therapy! I am not like most people I am a loner by nature born into a family of social butterflies. It was strange growing up in the middle of my brothers and sister, add to that the constant rotation of family and my parents friends , while suffice it to say people like me get overwhelmed in that environment easily. The home I grew up in was maddening at times. Few and far between were there moments of quiet and calm. My parents were always entertaining their adult friends and I hated it. I hated always having to be on my best behaviour. Our home was a box with 2 bedrooms 2 adults and 6 kids, today's standards would say inhumane, I say making do! Do not get me wrong by most people's standards I am a social butterfly but in my family I am not.
I married and my identity in that marriage remains the same, social butterfly! Well here is a news flash I am not a very social person, I can be , I know how to be and I take comfort in that but it goes against my nature. By nature I am a reader and explorer and solitary person. All my life people have wanted me to be more like this image of my father and I have tried hard to live like him and be like him but I have to be me! I am the one who set his image as my standard but I can no longer aford to because it is real work and effort, now I must be true to me. I am thankful for the skill set I developed that lets me adapt and fit into any social setting but I want to be in the great out doors or reading books or better yet writing, I want to be free from this prison I have created in my own mind! So Pam is being set free as I write!
I will explore on bike and kayak all the eastern shore has to offer. I am about to turn 52 years old and I feel it is really about time I endeavor to do the things I feel drawn to. I have grown up respecting and loving my family! Brad has his interest and I have mine so the time has come for Pam to be the great explorer she has always had to suppress! I am on my journey now! I love each of you very much but it is my time to find fun in the sun! I am not somebodies wife, mother, or grandmother, I am me ! See you out in the woods or on the water or at the library but when you see me know I am at peace in my own skin doing my own thing!

My abuse of alcohol

Raising a family , is there an end? I no longer have any control over my children and their day to day lives but I do have concerns about them so how do I share those thoughts and remain neutral? This is a hard one and I find I want to shout this from the roof. Today finds me knee deep in concern about the amount of alcohol my adult kids and their father consume. They know drinking is a big problem for our family. Our family, both sides included has a history of abusing alcohol. I avoid drinking because in the past if I have ever been drinking it was for one purpose alone, to get drunk! Drinking put me in many situations that were it not for the grace of God I would be dead or worse yet responsible for the death of someone else. Truth in fact alcohol has very dangerous effects on me, as a young woman I had alcohol poisoning due to the quantity of alcohol and the the time frame in which I consumed it, I thought I was going to die and really didn't care if I did.
I talked with my Dad about drinking because I never saw him drink in my teens or later years , when I asked him about it he was honest. My father told me drinking always brought about destruction for him, he said,"sister I don't drink because when I drink the first one I am not satisfied till I am drunk beyond reason."My Dad was a great man but he understood he own weaknesses and what many men do not, there are some things better left alone.
I am writing this today as a plea to my family......all of you husband, children and your friends, nieces, nephews, in-laws, cousins, and siblings, please stop ! The use of alcohol is very destructive for those who do not have good self control and we have history that says we should avoid it.
I personally have done many shameful things while under the influence. Acts of indecency and lewdness. I have cheated and lied, I have fallen down and found myself wearing my own vomit. I have had sex when I was to drunk to say no and really no defense to stop another from using me because of how very out of control I was due to intoxication. I have driven when I could have killed myself or others. Every really reprehensible thing I do not want to reflect on I can attribute to doing while under the influence ! So Please take heed and stop drinking to save your own self from feeling these feelings of embarrassment or better yet stop before you make a decision that could put you in jail because you have injured or been the reason someone else has died! Yes it is that serious! Their is a line too that once you cross the chice becomes less yours and that lie has destroyed many a person and too many families to count! I want my words to help someone, so please pass this along, I find being human helps us all in the long run! I am free and I want others to walk in that same freedom!

Pray works !

Today has been a blessing to me! I am a true believer in prayer and I am evidence prayer works. I have posted in the past about being ill. My fear has been evident and so have my doubts and that is why I want to state for the record, God answered the prayers of His people and healed this sick girl! I am the one that was healed by the faith of her friends!
Most of my life I have had seizures. Those seizures have tried to keep me down and out but my love for life and family would never let them prevail. I have also suffered from migraines, they have been a constant part of my life from my teens on as well! Well to make matters more violent I am also in the midst of menopause ! Then just 5 months ago I lost my Mother-in-law and best friend. The perfect storm hit me when my life was already full to capacity with my business and family and my husband Brad. The raging of this storm was relentless and my body started to buckle under the pressure leading to loss of muscle control and electrical waves washing over my brain that confused me and left me in total fear in their wake. Then the pain from the headaches became debilitating, keeping me in the dark with out hope. I started to lose hope, but I never gave up.
To make a long story short I end up in University of Maryland medical center for 6 days! The best part of this story is yours, you my friends and friends of friends, churches and family started praying! You prayed when I myself no longer knew what to pray and really felt selfish asking God for anything when He has always blessed me with so much! Your prayers lifted me and placed me before a Holy God and He had mercy ! I am evidence of that mercy. I am humbled as to why he healed me but thankful He saw fit! I can tell you it was Him in mercy and you in prayer that brought about this miracle! Thank you my friends ......I am healed and released from my Doctor today! God hears our humble requests and answers sometimes the way we hope and at other times the way He must! Thank you all for trusting God on my behalf and sending out that prayer that you may have prayed with doubt but no less you did it and He heard! Prayer is powerful and an act of love! I will pray for you and yours as well !

Family......getting it right!

Raising a family must be about the hardest job in the world! Before I had children I knew everything there was about raising them. Then they came bursting into my life all squirmy and loud and demanding beautiful! It was love from the moment I even thought I could be pregnant. My love for Brad grew deeper with each pound I gained. I must say as difficult as it was in those early years where I had 2 in diapers it could never prepare me for parenting adult children. All the sickness and emergency room visits could not prepare me for the greatest job I faced, being a mother to adult children.
Adult children are a whole new world. The love and acceptance you need to have gets put in perspective and challenged daily. I thought I was a kind, loving and accepting person, then my own flesh and blood challenged me, they called my bluff. I have 3 children , 2 boys, 1 girl and believe me as babies and young children I thought the road was hard but in hind sight it was amazing. It was days filled with learning and exploring for each of us. My children taught me more and inspired me to seek a deeper understanding of the world I lived in. I also learned to put the needs of my family above my own and this was a great accomplishment considering how self centered I was. I can thank my husband and children for helping me become a better human and giving me a chance to really learn what love and family really is.
Today as a mother I am faced with parenting John , Chase and Abigale as tho I have some insight into the world. At times I am their friend and confidant but also their voice of reason. Two of my children are gay and that really makes my job even harder. In my life I have never felt a same sex attraction, so how do I minister to those who do? The dilemma is one I hurdle on a moment to moment basis. Fear overwhelmed me when Chase told me he was gay. Fear for him and how in his life he most assuredly was harmed by the words of my own prejudice. I had to ask him to forgive me. I had to work thru my doubts and fears too. Times can be very hard for a family when you add a new dimension like homosexuality. I was trying hard to understand him with out making this difference he faced about me. It hasn't been to long since I found out his sister Abby was living out her difference in secret. Life for anyone who feels different is hard but being homosexual in a bible believing family must make it almost impossible to feel like you have a place in this world, let alone this family.
I am forever grateful for my children because again they have helped me become more than the narrow minded woman I once was. I am a good mother and learning every day how to get this job done right and in part because I have learned the world is not just what I think it is but it is so much more! So for now I will close but this story is far from over.
I am committed to writing about my experiences and hope to share them here with you , God and for my own enrichment and reflection. Till then!