My Journey

Yesterday found me fighting panic attack after panic attack. At moments my heart feels overwhelmed by the noise of cancer. My understanding is void of how this could be in my body. Friday I was informed the Cancer was not the kind that would respond to certain new drugs that they are having great success with so chemo therapy is in my future. So apparently letting my breasts be sacrificed to save my life is not the only thing I shall lose. I would be lying if I did not say I am scared but not shaken. My faith and my friends are strong, the love of my family amazing but this battle is mine. Today I must do everything it takes to keep my mind from getting caught up in the fear of what next? I think I am going to join the gym so I can have a place to work out this energy that comes from the fight or flight syndrome I have causing me to feel paniced! I need a game plan that gives me purpose during my recovery.

Today I will finish up preparing for the holidays so that I can enjoy them during the healing of my body. I shall accept  that what ever I accomplish will be enough and I shall laugh with my daughter as we find the theme for our Christmas picture. I shall live each moment with gladness of heart and drown out the whispers in my mind stirring up fear. Today I shall find my way to the land of the living and set aside Cancer because right now it is still buried in my Breast far from where the eye can see.

My surgery Monday Dec.1st. 

Bilateral Masectomy

Pray for me and my family

Thank you

Pam

My Journey

The early morning hours call me and I rise. With wonder I am about to embark on a journey I did not plan and by no fault of their own everyone I love is going with me. These people God so richly blessed me to share my life with have no choice but to participate. I think this is the hardest thing to watch. Each of their faces becomes distorted with pain when they image all I may possible go thru.
I for once must lay down my agenda and put my own needs ahead of others and that friends is scary and going to be very hard for me.
I am the caregiver in this family and for me to give up that role and ask others to care for me is tugging at my heart strings. My personality was given to me at birth and I have nurtured the mother in me my whole life. Nothing has been sweeter than holding at my breast my own children and comforting my nieces and nephews and anyone who needed a soft place to land after a sad moment in life. I am truly good at nurturing others, I have a difficult time being the one in need of comfort. So much that I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of love I experienced after sharing my first blog.
If love has the power to heal then I have no worries.
So let me encourage each of you to step out of your comfort zone and let others help you when possible because dear ones it is good for the soul!

My journey

I wake this morning to my new reality. Today I meet with a surgeon to discuss the removal of my breasts. This is the best choice for me, but it is hard for others. My husband is angry for the loss of something that has been pleasure to him and comfort. I cannot help but think of my breast being the source of life for my babies. I cannot recall all those who have laid their heads on my chest and been comforted. I have put babies that were not my own to sleep lying on the mounds of softness that put any pillow to shame. I stand before a mirror at the ripe old age of 54 and still marvel at their beauty, so how could they hold something so sinister that it would spread throughout my body and squeeze the life out of me? I have no answer, I cannot understand the why or the how but I can make it an easy transition or I can get angry and fight the fate I have been given. The truth is this is happening to me and I cannot put the jack back in the box, it is here, in my now, so I will move forward making each and every decision to the best of my abilities, so my request to you is pray for me that I might have wisdom and healing so I can continue to love and nurture others on my chest because even tho the mounds of soft flesh shall be gone the heart beneath that loves and nurtures shall remain!

My Journey

Today my personal journey has taken a turn I did not see coming. I am on the road and this road has a dangerous curve lying just before me. I must navigate the curve as tho I know what to do next. I have never been here before so how can I be sure that I am traveling at the right speed or that I'm going in the right direction? How can I navigate unfamiliar territory?
This sounds like life to me but it isn't just any life it is my life, I was busy living that life and suddenly I am given a diagnosis of breast cancer. How does one who feels great comprehend that information? Me and Cancer do not go together. I who have struggled with many illnesses have never even considered the possibility of cancer, never. So when my doctor looked at me and announced with sadness my situation I stumbled over my thoughts, my words and my emotions. Today I find myself comforting my loved ones, as they have taken my diagnosis harder than I have. Where does one go when the road takes a detour? Well I am going to slow down take each moment one at a time so I don't get lost. One day at a time, one moment at a time, one decision at a time and maybe I shall get where I am going without losing me!

Depression the storm rages on!

Depression is a very sneaky thing. Each and everyday things happen to us good and bad, we march on not feeling the effects until we wake one day to feel downcast. My soul is in pain today, I carry the pain of my own personal disappoints and sorrow from my failures. I am a good soul most always but at times my struggle is deep and dark and overwhelming. There are days when I could lash out a whipping on each and very person I meet but for the Holy Spirit keeping me. I know this struggle is temporary so I press on even though I am weary.
Depression takes the mind by storm and clouds every thought and deadens the emotions till they all look the same. I am no friend to this state of mind, I have fought this battle more times than I can tell. The good news is I have the courage to fight again. I will move forward and I will not fear this enemy of mine but I will be calm and learn all I can so as not to have to visit this place again. Truth is I do not know why or when this tempest shall come but having weathered this storm before I feel certain I can endure one more. Depression is a foe and I am its enemy for I shall never surrender and I shall never give in. I Shall remain steadfast and I shall overcome with gladness that which has set out to numb me and rob me of all the joy life has given me. Today I will find joy in every little thing because to do otherwise would render me void and useless and I am anything but! I shall overcome the darkness with hope and faith because I have faced bigger storms before and here I am still standing. Today I shall dance in the rain, not in spite of it but because of it and to dance while a storm in me rages on only makes me stronger!

Heavy Heart

My heart is heavy with love........the weight is good because it represents the love I carry for so many. I love the heart of man because it is there we can see who he really is. The heart even when damaged by the wear and tear of life, functions every second of everyday beating out the rhythm of life. The heart is an organ that carries the soul of man as well as keeps him physically alive. Our heart weights more than all the other organs because we carry other people in it. We carry our sorrow and love for each one we know. Strangers can speak a word of kindness and it touches our heart. There are times when we have to guard our hearts because on more disappointment would just break it. The heart is so much more than even the mind of man; if we live from our heart and not our mind our neighbors will become our family. The heart can feel heavy with the joy of love when we meet face to face our newborn baby, the heart feels like it could burst with pride for every accomplishment we see our children master. The heart only stops working when we take the leap from our earthly abodes to our heavenly home.
I love this heart of mine......so far it has only skipped a beat when he kissed me on my front steps and when we said I do! Then with the news that I carried his children it skipped from time to time. My heart loves deeply and it always guides me into the truth of loving unconditionally. I am most fortunate to have a heart that pants after God. My heart can never be too heavy.....even the grief I carry for the sick and dying means it is full of love for those same ones.
The heart of man will make him linger on his death dead just to ease the pain of his loved ones. The heart is the most amazing organ we have as life and death touch it, yet it beats on. The mind will turn a man to drugs and alcohol for relief but the heart will bring a man to his senses and sober him up! The heart is the greatest of all other organs because the spirit of God can take up residence there as well as all those others we will carry there in our life time. So yes my heart is heavy ......heavy with the only things worth taking when I leave this world.....I am taking your love with me, where ever that may be!

Healing in Prayer!

I have decided to pray for the sick. I want my life to have purpose and prayer is my conversation with God. I am going to start today praying here in this open forum for the needs of the people I know and love. I will pray for anyone that needs prayer and I will believe for miracles. The word teaches us to bring everything to God with thanksgiving so I shall start here!
Father God in the name above all names, Jesus, I come before you with a heart full of thankfulness. I am most grateful for your love toward me and all your creation. I am thankful for every law you set into motion and everything you did at the cross to save us from our own failures. You Lord have delivered us from ourselves and our own wickedness, thank you! Lord your word declares that "by your stripes we were healed," so today we come asking for our deliverance from sickness and disease. Free us Lord in your mighty name from the enemy who seeks our destruction. Free us from the bondage's of his army of demons, let us walk out our lives fully vested in your deliverance. Let us be free from the snares of the enemy of our soul! Father your word says that we are mighty to the pulling down of strongholds, so it is here and now that we begin our journey free from all that has ensnared us in the past. We are free from sickness and spiritual bondage's, no matter how long they have been in our families and lives, we are free! It is Christ that has commanded our liberation. It is Christ who has set the captive free, it is Christ our hope of glory! It is Christ that paid for our deliverance on the cross. It is the Son of God who said it is finised. It is the Son of God who nailed our sins to a tree and rose again to show us the abundance of His love. I am changed because He loved me and I shall declare the goodness of God all the days of my life! I am free! You are Free! God has set us free and whom God has set free is free indeed! Thanking God for His love for all of us! We have no authority of our own but we have the authority of God's word to free us from our bondages of sin! We walk in faith and hope and know that it is not we who command it but it is Christ very words that command our freedom!