My Journey

This journey I am on has really tested every part of me. I have always thought I was strong even at my weakest moments but now I know how strong I really am. The physical challenges have been where I excell but this whole emotional roller coaster of looking in the mirror and not knowing the person looking back has shown me my true weakness. I have always been a Tom boy of sorts, never a real fussy, frilly girl. I grew up with four brothers and a very strong sister and I always felt like it was easy to go undetected. Today I am very self conscious and I don't like it. Never have I put a lot of thought in my appearance, I like looking sporty, not real fashion forward. I have always prided myself in being authentic, so wearing a wig or prosthetic breasts feels like I am not living my truth. My struggle is seeing myself as I am today, I don't look like my athletic fun loving self, I look like a sick person. I am eager to get past the chemotherapy so my life can return to normal. I am eager to get back on my bike and ride with the wind, I am eager to kayak the local water ways and put this all behind me but alas that mirror is ever ready to remind me that right here and now I must overcome the challenge at hand. The course has been set and I am going to remain happy and carefree while I do what I must to regain my healthy status. I am going to remember that the woman in the mirror is working hard to overcome something she never expected to face in life. I am going to work to make life better than it ever has been and I am going to embrace the person looking back at me in my mirror because she is overcoming and winning the battle against Cancer!

My Journey

Today I have come through my second chemo treatment and I can say I am blessed. All hair has been clipped from my head and so the cold is just a little colder but I am no worse for the loss. I see myself in the mirror and I look like a little old man with big eyes. I think the hardest part is avoiding people due to all the diseases going around this year. I am pretty certain I got the stomach bug the first round of chemo and it sent me to the ER. Sickness is no joke when your defenses are down. In truth my troubles are few when you compare them to others. I sit here this morning and feel so thankful for those who love me and have come to take care of me in one way or another, I am blessed. So far I am learning so much more than I realized I needed to know, Joy is a state of being present and seeing the world differently, life is beautiful and my part is very limited. I rise each day with little to give but much to learn and that is enough for me. Every journey is a single journey that can only be shared in moments and love is the greatest gift we can share. I am going to live each and every moment I can during my journey and love others when given the chance, I will find something to be thankful for in each and everyday because God is good and I only get to do this life Once!

My Journey

Today my hair has begun to fall out and mentally I told myself I might be the exception. As I stood before my mirror and felt the first hairs loosen at my touch tears seeped from eyes. My hair has always been full and thick and I love it, short or long. The trouble with losing my hair is this, if you see me as I am now you would never know I am sick, when I am bald I can no longer hide my battle, I shall be exposed. Let's face it no one wants to look sick or be sick for that matter but life does what it does and we make the best of it. So I shall find a way to make bald beautiful and embrace this as my extream make over! When May comes and I am done with chemo I shall emerge from my cocoon  and fly. I shall not take one day for granted, I shall enjoy everything more. Today as life marches on I will do what I must to stay full of joy and happiness, I will embrace my losses as gains. I will understand that I am better because I have endured and thrived during one of my greatest challenges of my life!

My Journey

Today I felt hair on my face when I woke, my first thought was here comes the next wave of demands. Cancer and the treatments are demanding, the saving grace, people. My journey only just begun has put me in direct contact with amazing people., people fighting the same battle. On the outside they look weak but they have strength and resolve like none I have ever seen. Their is a fear in each of their eyes but the fear is not for themselves but mostly for those who sit next to them holding their hand steading their gaite. Each person represents a family they love and this journey requires that those who love you get on the roller coaster with you. You try to keep your fear in check but you see it on the faces of those you love and you try not to react. Love is an amazing thing it gives you courage to move mountains and swim the seas to save the ones you love. Fortunate are we who are loved and love for each step we take in life someone else takes it with us, from the first one to our very last there are those who cheer us on and pray we get where we are going. Today I thank God for those who share our burdens in this life.

My Journey

In my life I have been sicker that I currently am. I have waged a war to reclaim my life and mind three years ago in fact. My conflict of health began as a young woman, once my periods started my world flipped upside down. Cramps and seizures came hand in hand, my best days were the days I was pregnant with my three children. I write not to get your sympathy or sorrow but to inform you of the life long battle I have fought to stay on the sunny side of life. My husband has endured me at my worst and loved me at my best. I have no right to complain as there are so many who have it much worse. The hormones of being female have never been kind to me with the exception of pregnancy and childbirth for then I was healthy and able to bare children with great gusto, baby #1, 10lbs 8oz, baby #2, 9lbs 10oz, baby #3, 9lbs 6 oz and all beautiful, these are my blessings. Health has been a struggle for years due in part to peri menopause, these hormones have sent me into a battle from hell. The migraines, nurological symptoms and overwhelming fatigue have been insurmountable at times but I never let that stop my life and my love for life.  I have been in battle with the most relentless giant,  my body. Today the battle continues and every factor has come back in play, I am older now and the energy it takes to overcome has put me at a distinct disadvantage but I will do my best to overcome. I pray that the wisdom that comes from growing older will help guide me into the best choices for my full recovery.
Those who read this are my friends, my request is that you would pray for me that I might make good choices concerning my health, that I might make decisions that lead to a full and absolute recovery of Heath! Thank you!

My Journey

There is something big about fighting cancer, it takes you way out of your comfort zone. It takes your body parts first then it goes after your heart and soul. I am a rebel by nature so I will not go down without a fight but it is funny my fight ain't as big as it used to be. Yesterday found me very ill, in fact   I was the sickest I have been since this journey started on October 1st. The sickness came over me in waves and left me retching on the floor but let me say there was a steel determination in me that kept me at peace during the whole process. The processes of my body were trying to rid me of Cancer and every poison thing in me and when it was over there was a clarity that came over me like none I have ever experienced. I shall do what I must till I am better and then I shall live like there is no tomorrow. I shall let go and be whole in a way I never dreamed possible. I shall walk in a peace that comes through great suffering, I shall become the woman I have always wanted to be. There is a sickness unto death but that sickness is one of the soul, the body will die but the soul is eternal and I shall rise out of these ashes with my soul intact. There something about this experience that reminds me of childbirth ......I shall travail until I am delivered from this flesh, I will labor till I am free and then I shall find the peace that comes from knowing God and His plan for my life!

My Journey

My first chemo treatment is done, I have 5 more to go and I am doing well. The fears associated with the treatment were not as bad as my imagination, so I am releaved. I am feeling thankful for each and every prayer spoken on my behalf as I am certain my strength comes as a direct result of all the love and prayers. This process has opened my eyes to a world of people who work hard everyday at just being healthy enough to live and love, some get treatments and head off to work without all the support I have experienced. I am blessed beyond my wildest dreams. I have family that honors me with every fiber of their being, I have never felt more loved and protected in my life. I intend to honor each of them with joy, love and respect for all they sacrifice so I can be home in full recovery mode. My sister has put me above herself by leaving home and coming here to walk with me through each step I have taken, she is my friend and life companion for all of my 54 years, there is nothing she will not do to make sure I am safe and cared for. So folks I have one job and that is to get through this and be the best I can be from this day forward, healing as fast as possible.
I did not ever think I would be a person facing Cancer but the plans we have pale in comparison to the plans of God. I am surrendered to this experience and I am going to learn everything I need too, so I might come out of this better than before. I can only hope I finish as strong as I have begun.