Hope lost at times !

I wake today flooded in my own blood.....everything I have ever read says women with epilepsy usually go thru menopause sooner than most and with few exceptions, me, I am the lucky one who gets a life filled with cramps so unbearable I had seizures because of the pain. I have bled so heavy that I laugh when I hear others complain about changing tampons 4 times a day. I am an angry bitch right now and I know all the things to say to make it better, I have been saying them for years to others and myself. Today I don't know how to stop these feelings and I'm not sure that would be the right thing to do. My brain is on overload right now and I am setting it free of the bondage it is in so I can recapture the woman who used to live here, I like her much better.
I think for the first time in my life I understand people with different types of mental illness. I am staying at home most all the time because the stimulation of all the visual movement, colors and brightness make me feel overwhelmed. The sounds make me to nervous. People make me angry as they always seem to be in my way. The information the brain takes in and processes is amazing and I have only learned just how much it is for me has been during these electrical assaults called seizures have made made it impossible to process it. Doctors call them electrical storms and I would say that is not clear enough because a storm passes and these rage on day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute. A storm in the sky can be seen and heard but one in the brain can only be known to the very one experiencing it, unless people close to the one experiencing have learned the tells. To everyone I know they see me as a picture of health but my defect is hidden behind my flesh and eyes. I can be having a conversation with you while my right side is pulsating from a seizure or my head nodding, or I am staring off in what appears to be thought. I can be looking for a word and you think it is nothing or the pattern of my speech changes and you give no thought but inside me it is a seizure. There is a price to pay for every little electrical storm ,fatigue , memories lost and I am exhausted and depleted most always after even the smallest one. I put these words here on this page because I have lived for over 25 years in a darkness that others do not understand, today I am coming out of the closet. Today I make it my mission to help those who are less fortunate than I and cannot find a voice for the storm that rages within. I am only one face of epilepsy and there are many!