2012

2012 finds me facing so many new and different things ! I am so angry ....no joyful post about all kinds of opportunities just raw emotion as I face day after day of seizures. I know this is not like me to post this but I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am starting this year out being real and raw. I am happy for all of you with new grand-babies and children who are ultra successful, truely but I am here living out my ordinary life, facing a future that is uncertain and like most all of us I am not special, (we all face crap.) Today I have no beautiful resolution. I am on medications that are making me gain weight so guess what, next time you see me I will be fat. I am also angry I can no longer drive a car, I am dependent on others and that sucks royally I have always been able to do more than most, even when I was at my worst, not today. I am in the middle of a pity party so excuse me if my ignorance shows itself , I really do not need any attention either , so please don't call. I am exploding with emotion and I fear if it doesn't find its way out I will have yet another seizure. Can I tell you seizures and menopause SUCK!

I know all the reasons I have to be grateful , I do and if it were not for those people I would have checked out already, true. I feel certain the days ahead will not be so bleak but right now the clouds and fog are blocking my view. I will never pretend, I will be real at all times . I started this day with multiple seizures and several break downs , I am not special and my pain doesn't trump yours . My journey is meant to make me great or break me and right now I am about to break! I write to give a voice to my internal struggle , I don't want or need sympathy , I want to spew these feelings out so they will stop haunting me. I want this illness to get under control so I can have my life back. I want the storm raging in my brain to cease and desist, no matter how that happens. IF I CAN'T BE ME I DON'T WANT TO EXIST! Drooling and sitting around taking up space is no life at all, so forgive me if I see death as a beautiful option. I know my words have made you uncomfortable but I had to vent this ugliness so the clouds can lift and the fog will clear.
No I am not demon possessed I am ill My brain has storms of an electrial nature but if you feel compeled to pray for my deliverence I would be thankful as anything has to be better than living with this constant draining of my life and energy. I am feel free now so I will close but if you feel so inclined pray for my family, Brad ,Pam, John, Chase and Abby.
Truth is I pray the God of creation blesses you with more than you could ever hope for. May prosperity and good health always be yours along with joy , hope and LOVE!