Trouble vs Education

My world can hold promise and despair at any given moment. I find myself at this crossroads often, really too often for comfort.A life should never be so conflicted but somehow mine always seems to be. Joy is fleeting as the trials of life seem to bully their way into my face time and time again.
Trouble seems to always have a constant stream of conversation reminding me of how my world is falling apart and I am at its mercy. I have had to learn to turn away from this dialog and start a new conversation with myself reminding myself of how God will see me through this. God seems ready, willing and able to walk with me in my conflict but He doesn't rescue me the way I want Him too. I do always want an instant answer and resolve of my woes but my heavenly Father seems to know what I need. So, I struggle till I surrender to the lesson before me.
I have found in my life surrender is a posture that best suits me. When I am in a state of acceptance I can  learn the lesson being taught much quicker. Life is my teacher and I am her student, I am blessed to have the companionship of the Holy Spirit guiding me but each step is mine and mine alone to take. I will have fear and uncertainty along the way but I will not let them keep me from my destination. I will walk until I can walk no more and when I am able I shall dance and skip and sing my way down this path. Give up? I think not, I am a journyman and my life on earth my time to aquire knowledge and experience love and find truth, so down the road I shall go , for the world is my classroom and I only have a short time to learn.

Family

My words bring comfort to me. Call me egocentric if you must but I read the things I write over and over. I suppose this is me trying to see who I am. I am a woman of simple means and a simple heart wanting to give ease to all that hides within. I have the desire to write something that will help others as I help myself. I am one of the few who will place words on page even when I feel scared of what may come out.
This week found me sitting with my extended family due to our loss of a loved one. I was happy to be reminded of my beginnings and the people from which I came. My family are ordinary and profound all in the same breath. These people whom share my father's DNA are a beautiful lot. They have so much more than meets the eye. If you beheld their material possessions you would not be impressed. If you were to judge them by their degrees you might think us a simple bunch.  If hearts are what you find  beautiful then these people would make you feel at home.
My family of origin has deep roots in our christian heritage and this is where our peace comes from. The gift of faith is the best gift we can hand down to our children. My faith has seen me through many troubles too numerous to mention. My heritage of faith lets me have peace when I must say goodbye for that finale time to a loved one. People make fun of folks like me but I really don't mind, you cannot make fun of something you do not understand. My family is quirky and strange , my family is honorable and sure. Family is our foundation and offers us a place to feel normal and accepted. Family is a great place to belong. My family gives me the courage to be me.
Writing is like my family and the page my home. My words give expression to the things that expose me and those who read my words are somehow related to me through kindred notions and feelings and thought. I am going to spend my days giving expression to all that hides in my mind. My hope is that my mind never feels at a loss or my heart unable to express it's deepest  fears and joys or sorrow. So here I will make family out of strangers who find our likeness are greater than our differences. Here I will capture my life as I see it, here I will find the courage to become all I can within the safety of my "family".

Life has lessons

The road I am taking is long and rough but has moments that are so beautiful it takes your breath away. The nature of my humanity says I only want the beauty of the journey , not the hard stuff. My 52 years of life have taught me that beauty comes out of hardship. I remember the day my Dad died, he was just the age I am now. That day I wondered if my life would ever have another happy moment. Dad was a rock, his faith unshakable and he was our comfort and support, whenever we needed help he would be there. My love, faith and hope have only grown as a result of losing him. I want to carry on his "love" for life and God's creation, so I have grown and become a better person as direct result of that loss. Our minds conceive the world and its events one way when in fact the effects are the opposite  if we will remain teachable and our hearts pliable. So my thought for today is be ever vigilant to learn , life and God and those you love have so much to teach you, if you will take a moment to break away and internalize the lessons.  If we trust God and life enough we can learn or we can resist and repeat each lesson over and over. I have lost my way many times but I am on course for today at least and happy that my life is ever changing. The beauty of children is how well and quickly they adapt and learn......so my mission is to become more childlike in my nature and to follow the path God has laid out for me! My hope is I remain teachable and learn everything I can because life is short and I want to do everything I can while I can!

For today

Sadness prevails in my world this morning. Sadness at all the losses life throws at us. Today my family will lay to rest my fathers last sibling. This year two of my fathers sisters have passed. When I told my children they each remembered Aunt Betty and Aunt Beulah as on Sunday mornings my aunts would come to my mothers house so they could all attend church together. Years after my father passed my mother and his sisters have sat together in church, the one we were all raised in. When I think of this I must smile even tho my heart feels heavy. I think of all that is now lost to me.
Today I have a prayer list for sick people that I love and it keeps growing. The days of our lives are full of sadness and joy, we must take the bad and the good but today the sorrow is pressing in on my soul and I am going to cry it out. I am going to give way to my emotions and let this flood of sorrow wash me clean. I need relief from the days I have spent holding tears in check. I am going to let them flow till my soul feels purged! When they have been set free then I will wash my face and press on to the day that lies before me.  That is only possible if I release the inner strength that comes from letting go.
Today I will thank God for my journey and pray for those who's journey is closing. Today I will ask God to heal all those who are suffering. Today I will press into God for strength and comfort. Today I will live in the here and now and not let my mind wander into the what ifs of tomorrow. Today I will shed my tears and find the courage to smile. My sorrows today only sweeten my tomorrows.

Walking your path

Sometimes in life we find our selves on a road that seems to lead to our destruction. This path has danger written all over it. People tell us there is danger ahead but we are forced to take the path any way. The enemy of our soul feels glee when he watches us walk with trepidation this road before us.
Truth and purpose will walk with us if we allow it. Truth is, all people walk out their struggles and really have no choice if life is what they seek. We are a people with direction and without, we are often lost and then we are found, it is the journey of life and the only factor that changes for each of us is the time which we have to get the job done. Our choice is clear we must live out every moment with out holding our breath, we are compelled to exhale and inhale all that life presents us with.
I am compelled to speak the truth about how I see that which lies before me. I will not pretend I am okay when I am not. I will not pretend that I am so grounded in my faith that I do not doubt. I doubt often that the road I am on is going to get me to where I belong but I will not turn back I will press on and feel fear anyway!
 Doubt and fear are as much about finding our way as faith , hope and certainty are. It is after we battle with our doubts and fears that we grow in belief and our faith grows as a direct result of the battle. The battles and storms of life make the good days all the more spectacular. When we are forced by our fears and doubts to confront them, then they become the catalyst that drives us forward on the road of life. Our choice is stay where we are or keep walking.
 I will walk on and be reminded that all journeys begin with a decision; where I am is not where I belong. The path ahead will lead me to the place where I belong but I must take the first step and as for me I will not let my doubts and fear control me but I will use them as the wind to set my sail by. I will march onward and sing when I am happy and cry when I am sad. I will rest when I am weary but I will never stop moving ever closer to the place where I belong, for in my life no one has every inspired me to be more than I am except for Jesus the Christ and His house is my home, so when you find me at my journey's end that is where I will be!
May your fears and doubts become the driving force behind your journey and not the stumbling block that impedes your progress!

The Journey

Today I find myself challenged to be more, to test my limits. I am a writer and that is my calling, which brings me to my knees with humility. I cannot spell for beans and I have a very  limited area on which I like to write but that will no longer dissuade me from my calling. I have decided to return to college and work on the two things I love to do, write and become a life coach or counselor. I am making this declaration here as I have been feeling this inner prodding for some time. Today I have clarity and being who I am and concentrating on what brings me joy is what I will pursue, not money!
 The path that led me here came in the form of a family crisis. All things work together for our good if only we will let them. Our Lord and our life will lead us where we need to go, we just have to be willing to follow. Today the scales are being removed from my eyes and my vision is being restored. The future is full of so much possibility and I am going to go where I must to make it a beautiful place to be. I am a dreamer always have been and always will be. The trouble I have had for some time now is I have been busy dreaming for others. When I was a little girl I had vision to be all the things possible, a mother, a wife , a doctor, a therapist, a singer living the dream. As of late I have just tried to make sure that others had a world where their dreams would be possible and come true. Friends you cannot dream others dreams. Today instead of trying to do for others what they must do for themselves I must lead by example.
All the fear in the world may come rushing at me but I will no longer be subject to fear, no I will trample under foot all those things that try to stop my progress toward becoming who I was fully created to be.
I had a professor once in one of my religious studies classes tell me I should get formal training as he thought I would be an amazing writer.........well I am taking his advice and jumping off into the deep end!
Today we must challenge ourselves to do the one thing that strikes fear in our hearts ......it may very well be the thing that also brings the most growth to our heart and soul and thereby our world!
 Thanking God for helping me overcome my fears, praying you find your calling too!

Depression

I am writing today about something I have experienced often in life, depression. I am a person who struggles with sadness and anxiety and often despondency. People who do not know me well and even the ones who do are often shocked when I tell them this.  I think depression is a part of the genetic make up of my mom's DNA and thereby transferred to me because she and her family seem to have a lot of trouble with it as well. I write so as to find my way out of the storm. The past few years have been cloudy and sometimes very dark for me. I do have a great life and all the experiences have only deepened my love and ability to empathise but truth is I want a break. Some of the reasons I have experienced depression have been spawned by events such as ER visits, car accidents, illnesses, being a care giver for sick family, surgeries, life in general and death of loved ones. Those are all legit reasons to be depressed but in between I am one of those women who gets the highs and lows of my menstrual cycle to make the events last longer and to spark new episodes when the storm has already calmed. I am tired of not having motivation to do anything exciting or otherwise........I am in a rut. I want the energy and drive to get things done like I used to have. Some days it is all I can do to keep my home clean. I want to paint and do yard work but can't seem to motivate myself! How do you get past fatigue and depression when you are fighting migraines and body aches and all the messy stuff that comes with peri-menopause while living an already full life? I am in a flux but good news is I am not willing to stay here! I am going to open my pool this week and begin a long put off painting project in my house! I write today so my words will spur me to action! I am making a formal declaration here and now before everyone I know ........... Pam is picking up her sorry tired behind and getting on with the beautification of her home and life! I am going to read more as well and do things that feed my soul ! I am going to make a change, so if you see me with paint in my hair or a deep dark savage tan, I'm just getting on with my life, working through all the things that try to keep me down! So onward and upward and I hope you find your happy place today too!