My Journey

I rise early and find solitude most mornings. There was a time when sleep would be all I needed but today I am looking into the face of a giant. I find it ironic that the Cancer in me is tiny but so fierce I must equate it with Goliath. I like the thought of being like David, a shepherd, who was no soldier but able to muster up the skill set to bring down Golith. This giant within me will take a destructive blow to my body tomorrow and the causality of this battle, my Breast. When this fight is over I must take cover until recovery is well underway and then I must prepare a new strategy and head back out to continue the campaign at hand. Unlike Goliath, my giant will not stand in the open, no he is more sinister, he hides in places I cannot see, it is I who have no cover. Tomorrow I shall be even more exposed but God and my surgeon shall give me the advantage to take down this monster hiding within. Yes, I am on the battlefield but I declare victory is mine no matter the cost!

My Journey

This morning before I was even was fully awake I was aware, aware that I am about to birth something new into my life. The days between my diagnosis and now I have felt many different emotions. The strongest feeling was first to run and now it much like the calm that comes over you when you are about to give birth. Many fears have passed over my mind and before they take root I try to snuff them out. When pure panic hits the heart I am at a loss to stop it, so I feel thankful my maternal instincts are taking over and trying to calm me. My body has betrayed me before and I have survived  and today is no different.  The hard part is still before me and I believe I can overcome every loss and still have my soul intact. I must allow that part of me that nurtures others to have full reign, so that I can fully heal and realize my highest potential in this life. I have always wanted to write and now find words being birthed daily out of these circumstances, so who knows just what this painfull ordeal may uncover, I know I trust God and the most beautiful things in life must first be born out of blood, water and much suffering.

My Journey

Not many words find me this morning, just happiness. Today I will take care of  getting my responsibilities at work taken care of and then pick out my Christmas tree for home. Oh the joys of Christmas, if one must have surgery then best they recouperate at home in a winter wonderland. I have completed most of my shopping for my kids and for the most part feel okay with the fact my Christmas shall be different than all those past. Part of me knows I must let go of all the things I do so that my healing may then come unabated. The most important lesson to learn may be that the world will find its way without me, well at least for a few months. I am feeling joy this morning and choose not to think of what the future holds unless it includes the joys of family and celebrating my Saviour. So I challenge you find you joy today no matter your circumstances!

My Journey

Last night found me frightened and paniced. I woke from sleep in a fear so big I wanted to run, every part of me was screaming like hell to get away from this unknown assailant, who is so relentlessly persuing me. The Cancer in me has been at work for at least 10 years they told me, 10 long years stalking my every move, then jumping out and assaulting me when I least expected it. How insidious is your assailant when they are able to just watch and wait till the time is right and a decade is not to big a deterant. Now that I know who it is that has haunted me all these years I can better understand all of the feelings of uncertainty and fatigue. Just a few years ago I fought for my life and sanity and here I am today doing the very same thing again only this time the attacker is taking body parts as a trophy to show dominance over me. The greatest tool I have against this assailant is my faith, hope, and love, love gives one super human courage and I am going to need it for the fight I am embarking on. One of my fears is that  I have to sustain this mental fortitude for at least a year to overcome this Goliath in front of me I have held on for longer but I was much younger then, today I must become like David to fully get this job done and I have been prepping most of my life for this race, unknowingly. Today a giant is in my face taunting me so I must find my stones and sling to clear the course before me and run with all my heart!

My Journey

My words escape me today. I am not certain what the future holds so how can I wax eloquently about the unknown? All I have the power to do is project my hopes forward. My hopes are to run threw this diagnosis and its upcoming surgery along with any other treatment like the strong line of women I come from. I am fortunate, I have been loved by some of the strongest women to walk the face of the planet and long after the death of many I am still in awe of the grace and beauty they lived with in the face of great adversity. My fortune has even extended to the women I grew up around, each of them having a story far from perfect but each of them super human in many ways. Women are extraordinary, we are the gatekeepers of all human life, we bring presidents, doctors, truck drivers, cooks, mechanics, musicians, teachers, queens and kings into this world, we have birthed the nations and we are responsible for all humanity present but still our greatest strength comes from the support we give each other and those we love. We work a lifetime setting in order the lives of those around us so they can live the most productive lives possible. Life as a woman is grand in many ways and exceptionally hard in others but most of all it is beautiful. I can only hope I walk through this fire with the grace, dignity and courage that those women I love had. One thing for certain being born a woman is an advantage not given to everyone, so today I celebrate my womanhood!

My Journey

Today I feel a calm certainty even tho I am preparing for my recovery and trying to get my house in order.  The world as I know it is in a state of unrest and I too am conflicted with unrest at times, I question how will I feel when the flesh that my babies slept on is no longer there, how will I feel the first time my husband puts his hands on my body and finds scarrs where my Breast use to be? How will I feel when my hair is gone and my head is bald? I feel certain that grief will hit me when the pain wears off but I am just as certain a calmness will follow when I know that I have done everything possible to be alive to live this abundant life I have been given.  I have choices to make each and every day, cry or move forward, fear or gladness, hope or sorrow, well my God gives beauty for ashes and I trust beauty comes from ashes.  The choice is mine and I will dance in this storm. I will get my home ready for the holidays and get my Christmas shopping done, I will live and experience joy unspeakable because that is what I choose. If my life were to be cut short by any means I would want to leave behind  a direct trail to the heavens, so I am going to find my way no matter how hard this journey may be. When all could be lost you realize, I am all I have to give and I want to give something beautiful to others and the beauty that the world thinks of shall be stripped away and never again shall I be whole physically, but I am more than what the eye can see.  Who is Pam that God is mindful of her? I believe with certainty that this trial shall uncover my true beauty and for that I am grateful. With blessed assurance I shall move forward and trust God no matter what tomorrow brings.

My Journey

On any given day we rise with no thought for anything but our responsibilities and where to start the day ahead. Today is different for me because I am aware of something that is changing the course of my life. My body is in a war against itself. Good cells are being attacked by bad cells. How does one approach fighting that which cannot be seen? This is where faith, hope and love come into the picture.
Faith is a major part of any healing. First I must have faith to believe that God has allowed this experience to come my way for a reason. Scripture teaches us that when we are afraid we are to trust him and it even goes so far as to say" tho He slay me yet I will trust Him." That my friends can be a  tall order when we are facing hardship but as for me and my house .....we SHALL serve the Lord and I wouldn't want it any other way.  Faith is believing what you cannot see is real and possible.
Hope is me wanting good things and planning for those very things. Hope lets me believe my tomorrow is possible. Hope lets me plan for that future without thought.
The greatest of all is LOVE, for love gives us strength we did not know possible. Love helps us reach down deep and give our all for the ones we feel that affection towards. Love undergirdes us with super human strength. Love motivates us to hold on and give more. Love will give us the strength to give our own life for another. The way I see it no greater gift can anyone give than his or her love, so I am moved by all the love expressed toward me and because of  faith, hope and love I believe I shall soon join the ranks of those who overcome in the face of adversity because love strengthenes my resolve. Thank you for loving me for I am stronger as a result and I need that strength to win this battle because even tho I cannot see Cancer it is at work in me and for me to win I must feed the cells love and hope and have faith in the course set before me.
I am in the fight of my life and you may be here too because you love me.