My journey

The nights can be long and quiet and unforgiving, when one cannot sleep, thoughts hard to control. I have decided the most redeeming thing I can do is pray. I pray the prayer of thanksgiving for everyone I love and care about. I call on God for mercy and understanding. I pray for wisdom and peace. I ask for the courage to face another day and thank him for the rising of the sun. I pray all my experiences change me for the better. I pray nothing on earth compares to all that is heavenly except for the love of those around me. My prayers help me grow strong and free, free from ideas and agendas, free to love and be loved. I surrender this feeble life I have over to the God of my understanding and ask him to enlighten me to his ways, so I might not dishonor him and his love for me in any way. In the darkness of the night I can feel the love of God piercing the darkness but only after I have stilled my mind from the cares of life.  Prayer has purpose and it is powerful, prayer can move the mountains of despair within if we ask God to help us in our time of need. Prayer has changed me and I am better for having an  ongoing conversation with the God of creation. Nights can be long and full of wonder if we are yielded and full of hope.

My Journey

Cancer is a scary word, it can make a grown man cry and bring families to their knees. I wonder what it is that our bodies are trying to teach us? Is cancer just defective genetics or environmental disturbances or emotional traumas? Many are the questions and all too few the answers. I think cancer has its purpose in life just as any illness but I think what makes it so hedious is the stealth way it comes in and then the wreckage it leaves in its wake. I am processing the destruction cancer has done to my body and trying to remain detached and analytical but as soon as I can no longer hide behind these bandages, the ugly truth will look me right in the eye. I  am also trying to learn what cancer has to teach me about living life. I am thankful for the gift of self acceptance, I have always been secure in my own skin and that makes me think of others who can only see themselves as physical beings, their journey is so much harder than mine. Funny how many people this disease affects other than the one who carries it. We often see great emotional trauma in families and upheaval and again I can be thankful for all the love and support I personally have received. Yes, cancer is a hard diagnosis but if we allow ourselves to surrender to the process and pray for wisdom we can gain more than we lose.

My journey

The darkness of morning gives me time for reflection. Quiet time to think of all that has passed in just  a matter of days. My life has been threatened by an invisible giant taking cover in my body. Never would I have ever expected that it was even there were it not for the blood that weeped from my Breast. The weeping of my Breast was a cry, it knew it carried something of great danger and it cried because it wanted to warn me my life was at risk. Had the cry never happened the danger would have increased and most certainly could have taken my life. My breast made the ultimate sacrifice so I might live and for that I am grateful. The breast are the one thing that makes a woman able to care for her babies with nourishment, they are a life force and mine wept to save me. I named my girls when I thought of losing them (Thelma and Louise), they are the truest of friends for all they gave me and mine. I shall remember the 17 year old Brad when he touched them the first time, the tension and pleasure he derived was remarkable and pleased me as well. I shall never forget the first time I layed my own child at my breast to nurse and found the power of the life force within, 3 babies found life giving nourishment at that place on my body above my heart. Those sweet breast did nothing but serve my family and they can rest at peace knowing they did good. So today I shall let go and say farewell my dearest of friends, go find your rest and know I shall always remember our years together in my youth and now I can even boast of your beauty as tho you were superstars, the way we pay homage to our deceased loved ones.

My Journey

Yesterday I experienced the victory of the battle and the scars of warfare. Victory came in many forms, gifts of friendship and flowers, food and love pored out on me. My day was beautiful and hard. Recovery is difficult at best because it is hard for the mind to understand injury, the mind says if there is life and breath then there is reason to get up and get on with living. My living  got even better when my surgeon called to inform me that my tumor was bigger than they though but all 4 lymph nodes were clean. My future looks promising, how is that for the light piercing this darkness. What does one do after such good news? I grew stronger in my will to survive and I faced the wounds in the mirror. The good news is I didn't have to face them alone, my husband and sister helped me uncover my chest to see what warfare looks like. I must say I felt faint when my Breast were gone but there was something satisfying to know that under the remaining flesh there was no Cancer and the scars shall be reminders of how strong I am when I call on God and trust His wisdom to guide me through unknown places. I shall always remain the thankful for my surgeon, Dr. Dudus and all his encouragement and skill, he saved my life as I know it. I am proud of this life I have and intend to live it fully for as long as i have breath in this body, sweeter is the victory that comes at such a great cost.

My Journey

Heard a song this morning that spoke to my heart, the Christmas version of Hallelujah. Today my heart cries out Hallelujah for I have been through surgery and I am doing fine. The pain level is manageable with ibuprofen, no narcotics because I have so many lifting me in prayer. I am strong because you love me, I am strong because you have prayed for me and even at my weakest point I am able to overcome my fears because God is with me. I find my joy comes from somewhere deeper than I ever knew possible. There is a joy that passes all understanding when you find what truly matters in life. The loss of my Breast cannot compare to regaining my life and time with those I love. So today as I recover from surgery I shall take time to sing Hallelujah from the depths of my heart for all the gifts I have been given are of an eternal nature and my heart cries out hallelujah for each of you.

My Journey

I rise early and find solitude most mornings. There was a time when sleep would be all I needed but today I am looking into the face of a giant. I find it ironic that the Cancer in me is tiny but so fierce I must equate it with Goliath. I like the thought of being like David, a shepherd, who was no soldier but able to muster up the skill set to bring down Golith. This giant within me will take a destructive blow to my body tomorrow and the causality of this battle, my Breast. When this fight is over I must take cover until recovery is well underway and then I must prepare a new strategy and head back out to continue the campaign at hand. Unlike Goliath, my giant will not stand in the open, no he is more sinister, he hides in places I cannot see, it is I who have no cover. Tomorrow I shall be even more exposed but God and my surgeon shall give me the advantage to take down this monster hiding within. Yes, I am on the battlefield but I declare victory is mine no matter the cost!

My Journey

This morning before I was even was fully awake I was aware, aware that I am about to birth something new into my life. The days between my diagnosis and now I have felt many different emotions. The strongest feeling was first to run and now it much like the calm that comes over you when you are about to give birth. Many fears have passed over my mind and before they take root I try to snuff them out. When pure panic hits the heart I am at a loss to stop it, so I feel thankful my maternal instincts are taking over and trying to calm me. My body has betrayed me before and I have survived  and today is no different.  The hard part is still before me and I believe I can overcome every loss and still have my soul intact. I must allow that part of me that nurtures others to have full reign, so that I can fully heal and realize my highest potential in this life. I have always wanted to write and now find words being birthed daily out of these circumstances, so who knows just what this painfull ordeal may uncover, I know I trust God and the most beautiful things in life must first be born out of blood, water and much suffering.