Christmas this year !

This year Christmas will be different. Many things have changed since my last. I am not the same as I was in the past, life has caused me to see the world quite different. My children have moved away and moved back. My husband has moved away and back , not in the literal sense but you get the picture, we all go through changes. I am no longer the silly carefree girl many of you once knew either. I am changed, by the loss of loved ones and struggles of life in every area of my existence. I miss the old me sometimes the one who made Christmas the high point of the year but I also take comfort in this woman who no longer needs to try and make her world perfect. The energy I had as a young Mom was so different from the energy I lack now but because I am lacking I am able to see what really matters. Today my world is smaller than it ever has been and that in part is because my health will not permit me to do more or even go more. I am restricted from driving and that has slowed everything down to something I can better manage. The women in life I have always admired most, never had cars or a drivers license but they had time and thoughts and the opportunity available to pray for those in need. Money was never anything they had much of either, but full of grace and joy and love were they. I believe my losses are really my own personal gain. I am stepping out of the rat race and letting the world rush on by. I am becoming someone who I can respect , someone who has the time of day to be a friend to whom ever needs one. I am growing old with grace and I hope beauty that can only come from suffering great loss, for the greatest sin I can imagine is to not have learned anything from life, when we have had so much then begin to lose those people, things, experiences and abilities we once took for granted. I count all I have lost as gain for the fact that I am so much more than I once was. Letting go suits me well , holding on strangles my creativity and snuffs life out of living, so I am going to be free from my ideal Christmas and let joy, not gifts, dominate. I am going to be free from the burden of expectation and embrace the moments with the ones I love instead! Merry Christmas to you and yours, hope your Christmas is full of joy and fellowship without all the other trappings!

Christmas this year !

Keeping up with me!

I am so blessed !I have more than I deserve and I know it! We sometimes think we have less than we deserve but really do we? I have more than I ever dreamed possible ,yet there are times I want more and even think I deserve more. I have often wondered why some people get the big house, the fine cars and clothes and all the trappings and then I remember that isn't who I am. I am a simple girl with simple wishes. I wouldn't want the headaches that come with a 5000 $ mortgage. I wouldn't want to have the burden of living up to any ones expectations, "like keeping up with the Jones", except my own. I am pleased thinking of the day my mortgage will no longer be a burden and helping my children every chance I get! The mall is my closet and to tell you the truth I stroll thru it once in a while and don't see much I like, so there it remains. I have most all I need and when I want more I get it.
In life I have noticed people with lots of stuff fret over that stuff. People with less are not so encumbered and laugh out loud a little more often ! Liberty comes thru reaching out and taking it . The mind is where our wealth is centered, wealth is a thought process not a number in our bank account. I know people who have it all and they are still not satisfied and I know of others who have nothing and they are not satisfied either. Joy in life and living comes from the heart. I will choose to find my joy here and now, not in what I have or where I live or what I wear but in who I am! I am good how about you ?

I surrender all

Shall I mourn my greatest friend? My body has taken me down paths of righteousness ,that had I been healthy all the days of my life I would have never journeyed and for that I am grateful. I am convinced that illness can be a tool by which we are made more open to transforming into a more loving, understanding and compassionate version of ones self. Illness can bring us to our knees and the battle is about surrender not perfect health, not even about living or dying. Over the years I have had to surrender my body to many things but nothing as relentless as this sickness that is determined to make me yield to its mental and physical anguish. I owe so much to my body's failures, because my body fails me I have had to be introspective; I could never look to far into the future because in fact I never felt sure I had one. The gift of this relentless battle between me and my physical short comings made me look to God and develop that relationship. The failure of the flesh has served my soul well, I am more than I could ever have been had I been born perfect. I say thank you to God for allowing this disorder be my companion in life, even tho it strikes terror in my heart and mind when it threatens me and even when I am disabled by it, it forces me to be it's servant but it cannot keep the servant from learning wisdom and truth and humility every time it whips me. I am so much more than I could or should be and all because I have had to be a slave to a disorder that can and most likely will rob me of my life but can it really rob me of anything? No! I used it to learn and I let its constant presence keep me full, full of life itself. I am full to the very core of my being because I squeeze every possible moment and get the most life out of it! I see everything as a chance to bring new eyes , fresh eyes with which I will view the world. I see the world everyday in a new and different way because I know anyday is possibly my last. I am the winner here , I have lost nothing as a result of having a body that made me stop and smell the roses. So in retrospect My body and all its short comings has been my greatest teacher. I am in awe that what some may say is unfortunate is in fact great fortune! I am slave only to what my mind tells me, so I have decided I will use every misfortune as an opportunity to learn and grow in wisdom and truth. I am evolving into the woman I am and would have been if the world was a perfect place! I am growing in love and respect for all God has given me , even a broken soul can touch the hearts of others if it will surrender to the hand of God! I surrender all !

As brain disorders go !

Today I saw my neurologist, blessed am I to have this woman treat me and really care about me. I explained to her how much trouble I am having with my speech and coordination , memories and forgetfulness. She put my heart and mind at ease. Every symptom is the result of seizures I am having right in the moment. Let me let you all in on something that I wasn't aware of, all my life I have had the kind of seizures that put me on the ground, loss of consciousness and loss of all body functions, but only for about a minute. My recovery time 2 days of sleeping and rest. Truth be told because I did not have convulsive body movement I always thought they were not as bad as lots of other people but I throw up while unconscious , defecate and urinate all without any ability to control when and where and how. I have been able to keep others from ever witnessing them by running to the bathroom just before my seizure hits, because I am one of the lucky ones I have an aura or warning, mine is a sinking feeling in my gut.
Well I have heard of partial seizures but never considered them as part of my disorder and to be truthful it has only been this year that I have allowed myself to say the word epilepsy when referring to my illness, seizure disorder sounds much nicer. Funny how family will help you live in denial because we never want to say out loud the word " Epilepsy"or it may be true. Well I am now actively having partial seizures which are the reason for the post made earlier this week. Partial seizures do not throw me to the ground but they affect my speech and memory, even make me weak and sleepy just as if I had a grand-mal seizure. My fear and anxiety levels have been on overdrive as a direct result of this. The change in my disorder has a direct correlation to the hormone levels dropping due to peri-menopause. Relief is in sight if I can get the correct medication to keep the seizures in check. I am on the mend. I will be having an MRI because of weakness and slower response on my right side, this test can also reveal if I have a lot of scarring due to past and present seizures. So the journey into my brain continues and I am its captive audience, feel free to join me on my expedition ! Happy days are here again !

Changing !

I grew up wanting something different than what I had. I really thought it was possible to change the world. I thought I could bring about great changes. The world has it all upside down , we value things more than people, we judge rather than accept. I know change has happened but not because of me, in spite of me. I wanted to be like Mother Theresa or Ida Beauchamp or Annabelle Messick, all women I admire, one a saint,my grandmother and my elderly confident-best friend. Well turns out I am me and the only thing I can do is share with others what these women inspired in me.
I think we are all sold a false bill of goods coming into this world. Everyone is not going to get to be someone renowned. The best we can hope is we become better and to inspire ourselves. The best we can hope for is to find our voice and use it sparingly. We should walk the walk and let our life reflect the example we really want it too ! My words are shallow but my actions they are the depth of me. If you want to know me do not look at my empty shallow words watch me and how I treat people. I am in a constant state of learning and I hope I do not miss one lesson along the way. Life is so much fuller if we keep our hearts and minds open to learning.
Life teaches us over and over that we need to love more and worry less. We need to make the people we love feel how very valuable they are to us. I have learned that I must give away the very things I want most , so that I can receive my share. I want love and acceptance so I need to extend it. I want relationship and companionship then that is what I must be.
The world was once flat because that is how people saw it, I suppose then if I want my world to be different I need to view it with fresh new eyes or flat it shall be! I am changing one day at a time and hopefully I too will become more than flat and void of height and depth but fear not for I am CHANGING!

Epilepsy

Most of my life I have had to struggle with seizures. Seizures come most often right before the onset of my menses, except now, random events have been plaguing me for years, since the onset of Peri-menopause. I am writing because I need to preserve some memories before they are lost.
Six years ago started this battle in my brain. The reason I set apart the time is because before this I could feel most seizures before they came, so I would be more careful and rest and put off seizures by taking better care of myself. Most every seizure was during my waking hours, sleep was my escape, I found safety in sleep, not so anymore but most likely that is when they begin. During every pregnancy I went off all medications because the meds posed more risk to my babies than seizures did to me. I noticed that during pregnancy or delivery I never had a seizure. My theory is when pregnant I ate better, rested more and generally took better care of myself for the sake of my unborn child. Bad cramps or any abdominal pain is usually the precursor to a seizure but labor pain did not bring the on!
So in the last 6 years everything has changed, prior to these years I have never had to go to the hospital due to seizures but in fact I have been 5 times at present. I am remembering so as to preserve information that may help me in the future or maybe even others.
My brain has been on fire with over stimulation for the past 6 years, I am losing current and past memories. People tell me things we did and it feels like they are speaking of a stranger. I see people I have known for years and they talk as if I should remember them and I am at a loss. My seizure disorder is left temporal lobe which is where memories are stored, so that explains most of my losses.
Most all my life I have had grand-mal seizures, so when all these news partial seizures started firing off in my brain.......I had no idea what was happening. My new Doctor asked me if other people were complaining about my behavior and I said yes, they say I don't pay attention when they speak or I have begun stuttering ( never done this before), I stare off into space, lose track of time and have right sided loss of coordination. Sometimes I wake biting my cheek or tongue and just recently I have been having myoclonic jerks. My body is having involuntary movement originating in my pelvis almost like a hiccup. These symptoms are not painful but very disconcerting. So I have decided to begin writing them down and preserve them so as to keep an accurate record of my decline or recovery which ever it may be. I want to record information that maybe someone will read and be comforted by or even give insight to doctors who treat people like me. I am going to keep all this public for now, unless it makes my children uncomfortable.
I feel like I am losing my ability to communicate as well and that is why I will keep posting and rewriting and what-ever necessary to explain what it feels like to live with this disease or disorder whatever you choose to call it !
Typing also helps keep both sides of the brain communicating ! I need that too ! So for now I will stop but as things happen I will be updating my blog and keeping record of my life with Epilepsy