How do I accept what I do not like? How do I stop my obsessive and compulsive thinking? How do I change patterns of behaviour that have become a way of life? These are some answers I need. I am a person who likes order and change really scares me. I like everything to be predictable but find my life never seems to be the same. Change haunts me! I am afraid of change. I am afraid of too many things to mention and sometimes find myself paralyzed by that fear. Then I grow angry because I want peace and it is illusive as well.
Life is never going to be predicable. People leave home , people die without reason and people grow in many different ways. I am changing as well and the change in me has been slow but steady. I think the changes in me have been for the better but I must confess they have been painful! Me admitting to myself that how I do things is flawed is harsh. I have always tried to do what was right and it is hard to come to the realization that I have been wrong. I am a work in progress on a constant continuum of change. So now comes the part where I must make peace with all things out of my control......acceptance!
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Monday, December 17, 2012
Courage to change
Do I have the courage to change? I am not sure of the answer. I have lived this way so long it is all I know. I am going through a time of change and I am most always struggling to be at peace. Today anger seems to be the strongest emotion I have, if you ask me why I feel so much anger I can't really say for sure. Anger lies just below the surface of my mind and can explode into my heart at any given moment. So I need to find the courage to uncover whatever it is that lies there in the dark recesses of my mind and release it once and for all.
I think for the most part I am what normal looks like but often for unknown reasons I am a simmering pot of emotions. These emotions find their way out due to the slightest stirring. Let me be clear, I get angry over small things but am a rock in the biggest situations, the ones that should knock me down find me sure and steady. So somewhere in my mind this imbalance is hiding and I want to be free from the uncertainty. I want to be at peace in any and every situation, so therefore change is at hand.
Change means living in the present and accepting what my life is. Change means working out my life, not the lives of others! My power is over me and my emotions , no one else. Change for me means I do not have to have all the answers. Change means loving others and accepting them as they are, without trying to change or fix them! Change means letting go of being the perfect wife, mother, sister, daughter and becoming my own best friend. My change needs to be about me here and now! I am learning to be who God created me to be, so I am letting go of all else that impedes me from finding my peace and working out my own salvation. I am changing into the woman I want to be, the one I was created to be and I know this much, change takes time and I think I am worth the effort!
I think for the most part I am what normal looks like but often for unknown reasons I am a simmering pot of emotions. These emotions find their way out due to the slightest stirring. Let me be clear, I get angry over small things but am a rock in the biggest situations, the ones that should knock me down find me sure and steady. So somewhere in my mind this imbalance is hiding and I want to be free from the uncertainty. I want to be at peace in any and every situation, so therefore change is at hand.
Change means living in the present and accepting what my life is. Change means working out my life, not the lives of others! My power is over me and my emotions , no one else. Change for me means I do not have to have all the answers. Change means loving others and accepting them as they are, without trying to change or fix them! Change means letting go of being the perfect wife, mother, sister, daughter and becoming my own best friend. My change needs to be about me here and now! I am learning to be who God created me to be, so I am letting go of all else that impedes me from finding my peace and working out my own salvation. I am changing into the woman I want to be, the one I was created to be and I know this much, change takes time and I think I am worth the effort!
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Psalm 107:20
"He sent His word and healed them, and delivered them from their destruction."
I am a changed person because of the word of God. On my own I am much less loving and caring. Truth is I am transformed by the words of scripture because I want to be more than my mind would ever let me be and more than my heart knew I could be. In and of my own will I want to be selfish and self centered but when I read the word I want to be more loving and compassionate. I am trusting the word when it says God is love and those who follow Him will be known by their love for one another. I am trusting God, His son Jesus and His Holy Spirit above all others!
There is a line between what I have been taught about scripture and what in truth the word is teaching. My attitude in the past and those of most religious people are very destructive but God wants to free me from that way of thinking and living! God came so that you and I might have an abundant life , full of hope and faith but most of all love. As I have walked out my faith in the past it looked more like doubt because I lived by the traditions of man and not the fully incarnate Son of God, no greater love have any than a man lay down his life for another. This message is clear He came for us when we didn't even know we needed to be saved. So today let me make it clear my love and devotion are to my Lord alone but know that because He loved me first I am able to love others! The word became flesh and dwelt among us and his name is Christ Jesus..........I am celebrating our Lord this holiday season whom do you celebrate?
I am a changed person because of the word of God. On my own I am much less loving and caring. Truth is I am transformed by the words of scripture because I want to be more than my mind would ever let me be and more than my heart knew I could be. In and of my own will I want to be selfish and self centered but when I read the word I want to be more loving and compassionate. I am trusting the word when it says God is love and those who follow Him will be known by their love for one another. I am trusting God, His son Jesus and His Holy Spirit above all others!
There is a line between what I have been taught about scripture and what in truth the word is teaching. My attitude in the past and those of most religious people are very destructive but God wants to free me from that way of thinking and living! God came so that you and I might have an abundant life , full of hope and faith but most of all love. As I have walked out my faith in the past it looked more like doubt because I lived by the traditions of man and not the fully incarnate Son of God, no greater love have any than a man lay down his life for another. This message is clear He came for us when we didn't even know we needed to be saved. So today let me make it clear my love and devotion are to my Lord alone but know that because He loved me first I am able to love others! The word became flesh and dwelt among us and his name is Christ Jesus..........I am celebrating our Lord this holiday season whom do you celebrate?
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Moving On
I want to write to capture every moment of my life. I want to write about the things that will keep a family history for all those I love and I want to capture the lessons I have learned but to do so may expose just how ordinary my life is, some may say boring but I will take the chance and leave my life exposed in this blog.
I am currently on a journey of soul searching. I have lived the same way so long that I know I need to change for fear that I have become insane. The things I have done in the past no longer work. I want to be a better new improved version of myself, so therefore I will share some of the ways I am changing. I have responded to each and every person in the same way for so long that I am compelled to do things differently. I am going to a group therapy of sorts so as to find my way in this world. I am no longer content with the status quo.
This week Brad and I visited our son Chase in NYC, Abby our daughter came along as well. When we left the city to return home we brought our son's car home. At about 1 hour into the trip the car threw the timing belt at about 70 mph, leaving the engine no good. In the past this would have given me every reason to blow my own gasket. In the past I would have complained how this should have never happened and I would have placed all the blame on my husband. I have been making a real concerted effort to accept these things and not react in such a angry unreasonable way. So we stopped and called AAA . They towed the car off the Jersey turnpike to Bordentown and we followed. Along the way we discussed what to do and we decided to give the car to the tow company. We decided not to struggle with repairing it or towing it any further, this was not an easy choice, as our business is repairing cars. For the first time in my life I did not feel like I had to have the answers or the need to place the blame on anyone else, I accepted that things happen. When we pulled away from that car it was as if my soul was somehow lightened. I did not have to carry the baggage of that car with me or figure how to get it home and that was symbolic of so much more than just that situation. It was symbolic of me letting go the need to control life! I do not have to have all the answers or fix every problem I am faced with , sometimes I just have to let go and walk away. I am thankful for a cute little car that served our family well over the years but time came and I had to move on without it. Today I am moving on in many areas and it feels good. I refuse to burdened down with anything that feels heavy and unhealthy. I am being set free and liberated from all the ideas that have held me down. I am cutting loose from the baggage that needs to be removed from my life and that cute little BMW was just the first of many things I will be setting free! Freedom is just a step away and I am taking it right now!
I am currently on a journey of soul searching. I have lived the same way so long that I know I need to change for fear that I have become insane. The things I have done in the past no longer work. I want to be a better new improved version of myself, so therefore I will share some of the ways I am changing. I have responded to each and every person in the same way for so long that I am compelled to do things differently. I am going to a group therapy of sorts so as to find my way in this world. I am no longer content with the status quo.
This week Brad and I visited our son Chase in NYC, Abby our daughter came along as well. When we left the city to return home we brought our son's car home. At about 1 hour into the trip the car threw the timing belt at about 70 mph, leaving the engine no good. In the past this would have given me every reason to blow my own gasket. In the past I would have complained how this should have never happened and I would have placed all the blame on my husband. I have been making a real concerted effort to accept these things and not react in such a angry unreasonable way. So we stopped and called AAA . They towed the car off the Jersey turnpike to Bordentown and we followed. Along the way we discussed what to do and we decided to give the car to the tow company. We decided not to struggle with repairing it or towing it any further, this was not an easy choice, as our business is repairing cars. For the first time in my life I did not feel like I had to have the answers or the need to place the blame on anyone else, I accepted that things happen. When we pulled away from that car it was as if my soul was somehow lightened. I did not have to carry the baggage of that car with me or figure how to get it home and that was symbolic of so much more than just that situation. It was symbolic of me letting go the need to control life! I do not have to have all the answers or fix every problem I am faced with , sometimes I just have to let go and walk away. I am thankful for a cute little car that served our family well over the years but time came and I had to move on without it. Today I am moving on in many areas and it feels good. I refuse to burdened down with anything that feels heavy and unhealthy. I am being set free and liberated from all the ideas that have held me down. I am cutting loose from the baggage that needs to be removed from my life and that cute little BMW was just the first of many things I will be setting free! Freedom is just a step away and I am taking it right now!
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Finding God is not for everyone
I found God as a 4 year old in a Sunday school class in Delmar Md. I loved him right away. He made me want to be a better person. God gave me an inner desire to love others. His love for me made me feel special. I have loved God all my life.
I do not understand God, his ways and his wisdom are more than my finite mind can comprehend but his mercy I get that! I have been so angry at God that I actually felt hate for him and I have doubted his existence as well. God is not just this father figure I exalt but he is a person with whom I share a very important part of my life. My inner conversations take place with him as my guide, so life without God to me would have no real meaning. I could not get by without the thought that something greater awaits me. Life without hope is what I would have and that just isn't going to happen, I need hope to make it through my darkest moments.
I can remember having a conversation with one of my dearest friends and she said she thought God was just a figment of peoples imagination and I responded ....so what if it is? What if I have lived my life believing in a God that doesn't exist, so what of it? What if I only die to find my journey ends there, in the grave. Because I have believed I have lived a much better existence than most, I have lived with hope. Suppose I get what you say my imagination has created ...then I win again. I have spent my life imagining a world where pain and suffering do not exist and love is the driving force in everyone. I have dreamed of a place where my creator tells me how all the suffering in the world had meaning and purpose and teaches me about mankind. I will trade everything I have in this world but give up my faith in a God who some say doesn't exist.......it will never happen! I know that there is a power greater than all of us and I am banking in that hope, that he believes in me too! So if a loving God is not for you then that is okay but know He believes in you regardless of all your doubts!
I do not understand God, his ways and his wisdom are more than my finite mind can comprehend but his mercy I get that! I have been so angry at God that I actually felt hate for him and I have doubted his existence as well. God is not just this father figure I exalt but he is a person with whom I share a very important part of my life. My inner conversations take place with him as my guide, so life without God to me would have no real meaning. I could not get by without the thought that something greater awaits me. Life without hope is what I would have and that just isn't going to happen, I need hope to make it through my darkest moments.
I can remember having a conversation with one of my dearest friends and she said she thought God was just a figment of peoples imagination and I responded ....so what if it is? What if I have lived my life believing in a God that doesn't exist, so what of it? What if I only die to find my journey ends there, in the grave. Because I have believed I have lived a much better existence than most, I have lived with hope. Suppose I get what you say my imagination has created ...then I win again. I have spent my life imagining a world where pain and suffering do not exist and love is the driving force in everyone. I have dreamed of a place where my creator tells me how all the suffering in the world had meaning and purpose and teaches me about mankind. I will trade everything I have in this world but give up my faith in a God who some say doesn't exist.......it will never happen! I know that there is a power greater than all of us and I am banking in that hope, that he believes in me too! So if a loving God is not for you then that is okay but know He believes in you regardless of all your doubts!
Monday, November 19, 2012
My Days
Today we rise to new possibilities. There are many who see this day as already spent, fearful of having to get through one more hour. There are some who live for the weekend and disregard this beautiful day as just a step till then. Some will be relieved when they can put this day in the history books and never be forced to remember it again. How can it be some people see each day as shiny and new and others just look for a way to get through it. Days in and of themselves have nothing good or bad in them it is our perspective and or our circumstance that can affect how we experience each day.
Earlier this year my perspective changed. When 2012 began I was ill. I felt if something didn't give I was going to die and that didn't seem as bad as what I was going through at that time. Here I am later that very same year and my world is opening up for me in ways I never imagined. I am recovered from illness that I thought would never end and my days are mine to enjoy again. When this year started I had no idea what it held but I certainly felt lost at best. I was afraid and that fear was as debilitating as my illness. Somewhere between January and May my recovery in earnest began and I am the better person for all the suffering I experienced. Sickness can be a tool by which we learn to value our good days even more. Being ill sucks and watching others suffer is almost as bad as going through it your self. I am convinced we must learn from every obstacle we face. We may only have a few days left here on this earth so we must not waste one valuable second. We cannot allow sickness or anything else rob us of the moments we have with each other. We must be present at all costs!
I can truly say I missed so much while I was preoccupied with getting better but I also gained much, because I have learned a very valuable lesson about me. I am weak but I am also strong. I never let go even when I was afraid those days would never end, I kept the faith that better days were ahead. There were times when I wanted to give up but something inside me made me hold on. I had to did deep to push past the pain and confusion and most of all my fear. I write these words because I never want to forget that no matter what I am going through "this to shall pass" and life on the other side can be full and robust with possibilities. The moral of my story days should not be endured but searched for opportunities because even on our very worst day we are able to have a moment that can change the course of our life or that of another! Days are not to be feared but embraced and remembered for all they can teach us!
Earlier this year my perspective changed. When 2012 began I was ill. I felt if something didn't give I was going to die and that didn't seem as bad as what I was going through at that time. Here I am later that very same year and my world is opening up for me in ways I never imagined. I am recovered from illness that I thought would never end and my days are mine to enjoy again. When this year started I had no idea what it held but I certainly felt lost at best. I was afraid and that fear was as debilitating as my illness. Somewhere between January and May my recovery in earnest began and I am the better person for all the suffering I experienced. Sickness can be a tool by which we learn to value our good days even more. Being ill sucks and watching others suffer is almost as bad as going through it your self. I am convinced we must learn from every obstacle we face. We may only have a few days left here on this earth so we must not waste one valuable second. We cannot allow sickness or anything else rob us of the moments we have with each other. We must be present at all costs!
I can truly say I missed so much while I was preoccupied with getting better but I also gained much, because I have learned a very valuable lesson about me. I am weak but I am also strong. I never let go even when I was afraid those days would never end, I kept the faith that better days were ahead. There were times when I wanted to give up but something inside me made me hold on. I had to did deep to push past the pain and confusion and most of all my fear. I write these words because I never want to forget that no matter what I am going through "this to shall pass" and life on the other side can be full and robust with possibilities. The moral of my story days should not be endured but searched for opportunities because even on our very worst day we are able to have a moment that can change the course of our life or that of another! Days are not to be feared but embraced and remembered for all they can teach us!
Saturday, November 17, 2012
My Story-birth
When I was born I came home to my Mom, Dad and sister Sharon my brothers Dickie and Ray. We lived in a small home in a neighborhood called Rabbit Knaw.......it had once been named Rabbit Knoll but because of the accent of it's people it soon changed for the former.
I was a very wanted baby girl, my Dad gave my Mom her wedding band and a new Bedroom suit as a gift for my addition to the family. My parents married young and never had the money for a wedding band before. My father wanted more children but my mother wasn't so sure about any more children as the others were now manageable at the ages of 8, 7 and almost 5, Mom had her world pretty well rounded, so my addition would change the dynamic greatly, thus all the gifts from my grateful father.
I do believe the bond for me and my father really began here, it was a mutual admiration society, he wanted me and I loved him!
My sister also wanted a baby so she in fact became my surrogate mother and has been my best life long friend. We shared so much more than most sisters as she really became a second mother to me in more ways than either of us can remember. We have had a life of bonding by choice and circumstance.
My coming home also meant my brother Ray was rooted out of his sleeping arrangement, as he still slept in the crib in my parents room. He loves me but has always viewed me as the usurper, LOL. My bond with my older siblings has always been special! Dickie has always held me near and dear as well, so needless to say I was loved and wanted by all! Truly a great start to any child's life.
I was a very wanted baby girl, my Dad gave my Mom her wedding band and a new Bedroom suit as a gift for my addition to the family. My parents married young and never had the money for a wedding band before. My father wanted more children but my mother wasn't so sure about any more children as the others were now manageable at the ages of 8, 7 and almost 5, Mom had her world pretty well rounded, so my addition would change the dynamic greatly, thus all the gifts from my grateful father.
I do believe the bond for me and my father really began here, it was a mutual admiration society, he wanted me and I loved him!
My sister also wanted a baby so she in fact became my surrogate mother and has been my best life long friend. We shared so much more than most sisters as she really became a second mother to me in more ways than either of us can remember. We have had a life of bonding by choice and circumstance.
My coming home also meant my brother Ray was rooted out of his sleeping arrangement, as he still slept in the crib in my parents room. He loves me but has always viewed me as the usurper, LOL. My bond with my older siblings has always been special! Dickie has always held me near and dear as well, so needless to say I was loved and wanted by all! Truly a great start to any child's life.
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