I am selfish !

I wish I could be free like some folks......who seem happy go lucky all the time,( well at least while others are watching). I am as real as I can be. I am a real person who struggles each and everyday with keeping my head up and keeping my attitude positive. I struggle, my heart aches for the challenges I see others living with daily.  I know it is "crazy" to struggle like I do but living with my head in the sand is not an option. I want that my heart and soul would not feel this ache but that is not an option. Everywhere I turn I see people struggling and it is painful to watch. These people do not want my sympathy, they are just doing what they do, putting one foot in front of the other and living out the life before them but I have to wonder why they were singled out for such hardship.
I  spend many days angry on behalf of others and what seems like injustice to me. I am a rescuer, it is who I am and what I do and so much a part of my make-up I do not know how to change. I know it is wrong to rescue people from the things we must experience to make this life worth living  but I find myself wanting to help. I am working hard at trusting God with the lives of others and with the trials and tribulations he calls them to. God is a good God and I know this but I also know he is a hard God and has no need to explain himself to me. I pray his compassion for his creation causes him to pause and consider we who have no choice in the matter, we are here not of our own doing......we are here at his pleasure. We are here at God's bidding and we are here because we are his creation, made in his image.
I often hope my children will forgive me for bringing them into the world for my pleasure. I had children because I knew they would make my life a better place to be. I knew they would bring me joy and they have. My reasons were selfish and considering the condition of life and the world we live in , I ask them to forgive me. Watching them suffer or struggle in anyway reminds me of how very selfish and self serving I was when I had them with no regard for them and the suffering them may have to endure in this world. Life is hard and people are what makes the journey easier so I am thankful I have my children to share the journey with, I love them with every breath I breathe but that doesn't change the fact they are here because I did not want to be alone. My children bare the burden of my desire to be a Mom. I thank God for the gift they are to me and repent that I put myself before them when I made the decision to conceive them. They give me courage to hope and dream and replace my sadness with joy, so I owe them a debt I can never repay! Blessed to share my journey with John, Chase and Abigale!