Annivarsary of Death

My father died 25 years ago in Febuary. That man and his life and death changed me. Fathers give their children what they can. My Dad gave me, my sister and 4 brothers everything a truck driver could aford to give. He put a roof over our heads , clothes on our back and warm food in our bellies. He raised us in a neighborhood where veryone knew our name. Our name according to our Dad was everything, BEAUCHAMP, was my badge of courage and a name of exclence. I have carried Dad's name with me all the days of my life. I am a woman proud of the men God gave me ! I so love that man , my father , Ida 's son, Dickie Beauchamp!

The greateast gift my Father gave me was not any thing material but instead a confidence that most people never experience. I grew up knowing love and being taught that I could be any thing I wanted. My Dad gave me absolute assurance that he believed in me. He told me that if I placed my trust in God I would have a home for eternity. My Dad was a simple man with a simple faith but the Love that he gave me and everyone for that matter was what made me know God was real. Love is supernatural and it is the essence of God Himself ! The day we buried my father was sureal for many reasons but one being the way he made everyone feel special , just the way he treated me. So as Dad's go I got the best ! I have to say how very blessed I am because a man who believed your word was you r bond loved me and taught me to love others as myself. He gave me the faith his mother gave him and I walk in the confidence that because of that I will see him again. Thank You Dad for being a simple man with a simple love and a beauty that still shines !

I am troubled by the world around me. I am trouble by my own inability to fix it. There is a part of me that wants to set the world right. These feelings make for a constant state of conflict in my life. I must bring every thought into captivity if I am to live with any peace. Tell me how do I, or really how does God sit back and watch us destroy ourselves. The stupidity of our choices keeps us in constant turmoil. I for one have a saviour complex so I want to rescue everyone and everything. All the religious training I received growing up and even still today receive has made me believe ....... I have the power to change the world and even more it is my RESPONSIBILITY !!! I must LOL because it is an impossible task and I fell for it. Who do I think I am ? How on earth can I make a difference? The burden I and many people carry because we feel compelled to right the wrongs is crushing. God created this world and I am calling out to Him to do what needs to be done because I am but dust and to the dust I will return. From this earth I was created so tell me what can dirt do? The word says what is man that You are mindful of him? Every question leads to more, therefore I state my questions and thoughts to God and wait for His answers, to which I hear the question back, "Do you trust Me?".
So I choose to trust God . I choose to be an encourager when ever possible. I choose to see with eyes wide open that I am not the saviour of the world ! I am not capable of fixing those closest to me, nor myself, so why would I think for one minute I can do the impossible? I must live here in this moment and realize that I am one woman in one place at one time and I must stay grounded if I am to be effective in my realm of influence. If I share any thing that helps one person have a lighter load to carry then I have accomplished all I can. I want to be set free from the bondage of thought that says I have power. I am powerless over people and things, my power is in my thought life. My power is in gaining wisdom and understanding and Truth ! My power comes when I release myself from all the preconceieved ideas about my responsibilities to God and man but instead live in this moment for it is all I have ! My power comes from TRUSTING God and Him alone to get the job done !

I Win

This morning I am awaken by pain, physical pain. This pain has been my companion most of my life. I am overcome with fear because I know that the pain I am experiencing can be absolutely debilitating. I have always thought of myself as a strong woman. Growing up with 4 brothers and a sister as tough as any of them, I was the weak one. I have worked my whole life to overcome that position. I have fought it as long as possible but today I admit my defeat, I am the weak one! This hormonal cycle in my life has beat me so many times that I have no fight left in me. I am shaking as I type. It has taken my energy and I am throwing in the towel. I am 50 years old and still it is not satisfied. I am broken and no one knows how to fix me ! I have been broken since menstruation began in my life and the seizures that often accompany it are more than I can handle. They force me to dance their dance and when they have finished with me I wake on the floor in my own body fluids. I know what I am writing seems melodramatic but in all sincerity this is the truth of my life as I see it. I am not the warrior I once was. I suppose I fought the good fight so my children would have a home that did not focus on a sick mother but I know I failed there as well. My Goliath was bigger than all the stones I had to throw. I have begged God to save me from it, only to wake up on the floor wondering where I was and how I got there.

Now , I will try to find any good that could come out of such a hideous thing. I know this is going to be hard because at this very moment I am in the midst of my personal battle. I suppose as a human being I am more compassionate then I would have been if I had never known this kind of disability. I have had to dig deeper and find the resolve to accomplish things that I may have taken for granted if this were not part of who I am. I think I have learned to enjoy the little moments that I may have taken for granted otherwise. The greatest thing in my life came as a direct result of the cycle of life that caused me the most pain, "my children" are worth all the suffering. The gift of them is my greatest consolation prise, so in truth, I WIN. I Win because I continue to trust in the God of my salvation. I win because I know that my suffering is not in vain. I win because I love deeper and give more of myself in the here and now because I am not certain I have a tomorrow! I win because I am a better woman today because I lived an imperfect life in an imperfect body and still have more joy than most people will ever know !

My window , my world

I am a writer but not like most. I will never be famous for writing about the words that express my inner life. I struggle sometimes putting my words on paper because if I just express the rawness of my emotions people get uncomfortable and want to rescue me. I DO NOT want to be rescued from my pain and emotion, no, I want to scale that mountain just as I do in the summer on my hikes. I am a warrior and I am nothing like the person you see in your mind when you consider me.
I have disabilities that have strengthened me. I am a warrior and damn proud of all I have survived. I am angry right now and find expressing my strengths makes me a little less on edge. My body has been the first battle ground I have had to fight to overcome. My affliction is insidious in its nature. People look at me and see a fit 50 year old woman and I am, but inside me lies a bomb that at any given minute could bring me to my knees, paralyze me and in its wake leave me needing a shower and a bed so I can begin to recover. This disease has been my constant companion during my adult life and yet most people do not know. I am not special and need on sympathy but I have lived with this threat and it has tried to rob me of my life but to no avail. Physical handicaps , emotional handicaps they can make a life or break one, I choose to use it to make me stronger. I will be who I am and not let a threat of something out weight the need of expecting something greater of myself. I confess this to you now because we need more control not less. This is where we come back to words and their power. I share words to let out my fears about all the things you cannot see. I do not want sympathy , I just want to give you insight to my world. When we share who we are and our deepest secrets we empower ourselves to be a light in the darkness to so others might find their way as well !

THE MAN AT MY TABLE

My son Chase came home recently and we sat at my kitchen table that morning and spoke of his life. Chase is the middle child of three, my oldest a boy and my youngest a girl. I watched my son struggle with who he is. I watched as he struggled in every aspect of his life and felt paralyzed by fear. I saw in his eyes a man held captive by his own body and its desires. I saw a man who has prayed to God asking to be set free from these desires. I sat there with this man across the table and felt absolute pride. He is a man who is working out his life before God and with God. He is a man afraid to disappoint others and I so badly wanted to have the power to set him free, yet God stays silent, so who am I?
I felt absolute joy when I realized my son is a man of God who thinks before he acts but that same thought made me sad because I realized the bondage he is in is because of the fear of letting go. I saw a strong independent man who loves deeply and is honorable. A man with gifts and talents that are held captive because of this impasse in his life.
I will put my fears to rest because I saw the maturity of a man finding his way in the world. Chase and God are working their relationship out and neither need me to get the job done but I was happy he felt confidence in my love for him and shared with me his doubts.
I guess what I am saying is Chase loves God .......what more could I hope for?
I want the world to know when you think you have all the answers ...... you may be confronted with your own ineptness. Let Love guide you in all things !

God and Pam

Who am I that God would be mindful of me? Who am I that he would send his son to die for? The question of who I am is not important ......the answer of who he is, that is the important thought. The conflicts in my personal life are more than most can imagine but I trust God ! The weight of my fears is sometimes crushing but my trust is in God, even so .
I sometimes think God has turned a deaf ear to me .....yet I speak to Him always ! I love Him because he taught me about love. This God we seek out doesn't play by our rules. No , He created the rules then found away to break them, so HE could redeem us back. I know nothing of God, I am an infant when it comes to the knowledge of HIM ! Every time I think I do, I am reminded of how small my concepts and understanding are. I am amazed by those who seem to have all the answers. In truth I feel sorry for those who think they have all the answers to who God is, very sorry ! By having all the answers they limit what they can learn ! When you think you get it ....... your mind shuts off to learning more. I am glad I love and know God! I am glad when we screwed up He found away to bring us back into relationship with Him. I have never seen this God/man but I must say, He is the best friend I have ever known !
My God is much bigger than my finite mind can fathom and I am not afraid to tell you! I love Him and trust He loves me. I am commited to learning everyday a new truth about Him. I pray everyday for wisdom, so that others can see how His love has transformed me! It is a miricle and it is beautiful. If your concept of God brings you no peace .....seek again and shake off the dust of old beliefs, for He has come that we can have LIFE and have it more abundantly !

Milestones

Milestones in my life, I think this time of year gives one over to reflection. Where do I begin ? A moment in time that grabs my thoughts was a warm summer day in 1977. I was leaving my house when I looked up to see an acquaintance from school riding past my house. Brad was really just a person in my Drama class, we had not spoken 100 words to each other in a year of classes. His face was a welcomed sight even so. I called out his name and he stopped. I find it funny how I did not know him more than just as a name and face in class. I had no idea that this boy/man would be my husband and father to my children. He offered to take me to my destination and suddenly our worlds collided. Words where easy to come by for both of us and that should be no surprise for me but for him it was amazing, he was shy to a fault. I loved that he was not slick and wordy but thoughtful and kind. If not for this one moment of perfect timing we may not be who we are today. I guess I share this for a reason, before that hot July day we had no chemistry to speak of but one moment of classmates talking turned into a life of beautiful conversation. One moment changed our destinies forever. I am convinced had we not had that moment outside the scrutiny of others we may have never known what an amazing person we saw in the other. Moral to my story, never pass up the opportunity to talk to someone face to face ....... you may be looking into your own destiny!