I Win

This morning I am awaken by pain, physical pain. This pain has been my companion most of my life. I am overcome with fear because I know that the pain I am experiencing can be absolutely debilitating. I have always thought of myself as a strong woman. Growing up with 4 brothers and a sister as tough as any of them, I was the weak one. I have worked my whole life to overcome that position. I have fought it as long as possible but today I admit my defeat, I am the weak one! This hormonal cycle in my life has beat me so many times that I have no fight left in me. I am shaking as I type. It has taken my energy and I am throwing in the towel. I am 50 years old and still it is not satisfied. I am broken and no one knows how to fix me ! I have been broken since menstruation began in my life and the seizures that often accompany it are more than I can handle. They force me to dance their dance and when they have finished with me I wake on the floor in my own body fluids. I know what I am writing seems melodramatic but in all sincerity this is the truth of my life as I see it. I am not the warrior I once was. I suppose I fought the good fight so my children would have a home that did not focus on a sick mother but I know I failed there as well. My Goliath was bigger than all the stones I had to throw. I have begged God to save me from it, only to wake up on the floor wondering where I was and how I got there.

Now , I will try to find any good that could come out of such a hideous thing. I know this is going to be hard because at this very moment I am in the midst of my personal battle. I suppose as a human being I am more compassionate then I would have been if I had never known this kind of disability. I have had to dig deeper and find the resolve to accomplish things that I may have taken for granted if this were not part of who I am. I think I have learned to enjoy the little moments that I may have taken for granted otherwise. The greatest thing in my life came as a direct result of the cycle of life that caused me the most pain, "my children" are worth all the suffering. The gift of them is my greatest consolation prise, so in truth, I WIN. I Win because I continue to trust in the God of my salvation. I win because I know that my suffering is not in vain. I win because I love deeper and give more of myself in the here and now because I am not certain I have a tomorrow! I win because I am a better woman today because I lived an imperfect life in an imperfect body and still have more joy than most people will ever know !