Life Lessons

Life has a lesson to teach. The journey for some is much quicker than others. That old saying only the good die young, well those are the folks who learn early the lessons needed to make their journey to the other side. They may not remain in the flesh but the soul is alive and well and free of the bondage of this life. The lessons of the flesh learned and assimilated and they have moved on to the next level of life.
There have been moments in my life when I have felt like I must be stupid. Stupid because I have struggled with so many physical conditions and as my understanding works it tells me these are life lessons.  My personal journey has been riddled with pain and discomfort, seizures and migraines. For the most part I have kept a stiff upper lip and pressed on but not without anger and doubt, fear and depression. I will not stop but I might have to sit and rest a while.
I am learning the difference between my soul and my flesh. My flesh is the weakest part of my being. My soul  is that part of me that makes me dig deeper just as I am about to give up. My soul is what carries me through the storms as they rage and I feel like hiding in the darkness, my flesh wanting nothing more than rest and comfort. I am weak and I am strong, I am hopeful and I am full of despair. I am divided at  all times, my flesh weak and somber , my soul strong and sure. My soul deep from within my being trying to right me and keep me grounded while the weakness of my flesh tries to crush me with fear and doubt. I am a slow learner but I am ever keeping to the task. I want to learn these lessons because I have lived my life with such uncertainty for so long and I just want a calm in this storm for now.

Daughter - Friend

The weight in my chest is heavy because she says it is hard to breath. My love for her cannot be measured because I would give her health and happiness were it possible. She makes me smile with pride when I see her struggle against herself to be more than she is physically able, my heart breaks not once but over and over again, each time I see her fall. Everything in life I ever wanted to be she is and more. I am thankful God chose her and I to share this journey called life. I will forever owe her a debt I will never be able to repay but the good news is she asks little if anything of me. I am in love with this woman I call daughter and friend!I want for her dreams all to come true. I want this illness that she battles to cease and desist! I want her to experience all the joy life can possibly give! I want her to love and be loved!

I am selfish !

I wish I could be free like some folks......who seem happy go lucky all the time,( well at least while others are watching). I am as real as I can be. I am a real person who struggles each and everyday with keeping my head up and keeping my attitude positive. I struggle, my heart aches for the challenges I see others living with daily.  I know it is "crazy" to struggle like I do but living with my head in the sand is not an option. I want that my heart and soul would not feel this ache but that is not an option. Everywhere I turn I see people struggling and it is painful to watch. These people do not want my sympathy, they are just doing what they do, putting one foot in front of the other and living out the life before them but I have to wonder why they were singled out for such hardship.
I  spend many days angry on behalf of others and what seems like injustice to me. I am a rescuer, it is who I am and what I do and so much a part of my make-up I do not know how to change. I know it is wrong to rescue people from the things we must experience to make this life worth living  but I find myself wanting to help. I am working hard at trusting God with the lives of others and with the trials and tribulations he calls them to. God is a good God and I know this but I also know he is a hard God and has no need to explain himself to me. I pray his compassion for his creation causes him to pause and consider we who have no choice in the matter, we are here not of our own doing......we are here at his pleasure. We are here at God's bidding and we are here because we are his creation, made in his image.
I often hope my children will forgive me for bringing them into the world for my pleasure. I had children because I knew they would make my life a better place to be. I knew they would bring me joy and they have. My reasons were selfish and considering the condition of life and the world we live in , I ask them to forgive me. Watching them suffer or struggle in anyway reminds me of how very selfish and self serving I was when I had them with no regard for them and the suffering them may have to endure in this world. Life is hard and people are what makes the journey easier so I am thankful I have my children to share the journey with, I love them with every breath I breathe but that doesn't change the fact they are here because I did not want to be alone. My children bare the burden of my desire to be a Mom. I thank God for the gift they are to me and repent that I put myself before them when I made the decision to conceive them. They give me courage to hope and dream and replace my sadness with joy, so I owe them a debt I can never repay! Blessed to share my journey with John, Chase and Abigale!

What's wrong with anger?

Anger tends to make people uncomfortable, especially the one experiencing it. I find anger makes me off-put or off kilter. I have never thought anger was a good emotion. I have always been told anger makes you weak but I beg to differ. My anger makes me dig deep to find  what is at the root of my frustration. Anger is a warning signal something is amiss. I am becoming friends with this anger,( not by choice but because it is insatiable) it is trying to teach me the lessons I have always wanted to avoid.

Confrontation is a scary deal so I practice avoidance. I avoid people , places, things or situations that make me uncomfortable, when in fact I should have felt the feelings and let them teach me how to confront without having to get angry. I have instead let my frustration build till I had no idea what was causing me to be so angry and then would hurl my garbage out for anyone who would listen. I rant and rave about "all injustices" as opposed to dealing with them one by one as they come along. When a person practices avoidance they become angry and judgmental about everyone and everything around them, which is not a healthy attitude to have.
 I consider myself a very level headed person and so do most people who know me. My truth is not really all that honest because I in fact hide my anger and frustration so people think I am nice. I hide my anger and frustration with my family so as to keep everyone happy, at the expense of my own happiness. So I am more dishonest than most people know but I am trying to change that. I want to be able to let anger guide me to the proper target and then speak my truth in love. I want to speak to people and even to God about things that just don't set right and all the while release this poison that anger becomes when buried down deep inside.
 I am not a child I have a voice and I am going to use it to work out my fears and doubts with whomever, God or man. I am going to move past my fear of rejection and let my anger guide me and teach me to be brave enough to trust that my voice counts! To answer my question anger is a normal healthy emotion that spurs us to saying what needs to be said or asking the hard questions! I am going to feel my anger and then ask what it wants to teach me? Now enough anger for one day!

Judging Others

I am guilty of judging others. Daily I see posts and have to fight a battle within not to say what I am really thinking. I judge everyone! I judge people for the words they speak, the clothes they wear, the people they date, the friends they keep, the religious dogma they espouse, the political ideas and people they support! Yep, that would be me judging you.
I have tried to be less judgemental and truth be told I have been successful to a degree. Before I had a gay child I had much stronger opinions about how and why someone was gay, now I accept that people are who they are. I used to hold some really serious ideas about religion and how to be holy but today I realize with all the heart and strength I can muster I will never be holy. I used to judge harshly those who were unfaithful and then I cheated. I used to judge those who's children were wild and a little too carefree then .......well you get the point. Every time in life I have judged another I have fallen and my judgements were bitter when they were regurgitated by me in my own life. I say all this because even though I am aware that judgement has a way of biting me in the ass , I still do it! Makes me think I am too stupid to learn or I am just human and cannot help the nature of the beast.
I have a heart for so many and mostly I am very kind but this is a struggle I have yet to overcome and I want to overcome it! I hate when I feel others judging me or people I care about. I hate seeing people use their religion to try and condemn others to hell or conformity. I hate when I judge others for doing things I in fact have said or done, but still I catch myself . So today I confess you have probably been in my cross-hairs and I ask you now to forgive me, I am working out my own salvation on sin at a time!

Broken open

Life has a way of breaking us open and spilling us out.  My ego has always been a problem. My ego has always needed me to be smart and have all the answers or funny and the life of the party. Every time I had all the answers my soul was being blocked from touching the soul of another.  Man is a soul who inhabits a body, the flesh just a temporary dwelling place. In today's world you would think the flesh more important than the soul they way we glorify looks. It is today that I declare my soul is me and that is enough. I am in the process of realizing that my flesh will fail me but my soul it will rise from the ashes and live on. Today I will feed my soul and worry less about what I feed my flesh. Today I want to be free from the life I have been living and instead find the beauty in life even when life seems to be working against me and those I love. I am broken open and my flesh bleeds but no more than my heart and soul. I cry out for more and less, I petition God to help me become all I can be from the inside out. I want to be free of the bondage's of the cares of this life and become a loving soul who has ego in check. I want to be pleasing to God and able to love myself. I want my love and gentle heart to be what people see when they meet me. I want to be broken open so my truest essence can be released. I have been broken in so many ways, broken by the cares of life, the death of loved ones and it was the death of the ones I have loved most in life that made me want more from life. So broken open is the new me, broken and spilling out, nothing to hide, free from the confines of my ego and the arrogance of my youth. I am going to be free and broken but in truth never better than I am right here and now!

Hormones from Hell !

I know for a fact the female is cursed, hormones are our curse. The beginning of puberty she faces the ups and downs of the emotional roller coaster of her womanhood and the train never arrives at the station until she is old and used up and possibly very angry! I hate being a woman for this one constant continuum of change. I have no patience for anything or anyone anymore. I am harsh dark shadow of the woman I used to be. I hate me right now more than I have ever in my life. I am so unsettled ...... my mind, my heart , my soul and my body is ugly and fights me every step. My mind is an anger seeking missile looking for a place to launch the words hidden there . My heart no longer has the willingness to feel joy, only pain and sorrow. I am a mess and I am not looking for your sympathy that only makes me more angry that anyone might think that! No I am here lashing out in words so that this hormonal combustion will be set free. I would not wish on my worst enemy what it is I am going through, I have to much compassion even in my current state! I will ride these hormones out and I will be victorious one way or another, I will get relief , be it my demise or old age (completion of menopause).  If I seem unlike myself rest assured it not something you did it is me living with these hormones from hell , someday I shall return with a new and improved version of my former self! Thank you for the chance to spew this destruction somewhere as were I to hold it in I might spontaneously com-bust !