I am often surprised by life. It changes on a constant basis. I am a person who loves order and work best with my life somewhat scheduled out but the rotation of the world and everyday circumstances could care less about my need for order. I hope to mellow with age and that means for me letting go of all kinds of things stored in my head . My mind seems to be on the road to self distruction right now. I fear sometimes I am losing the ability to remember. I reason pretty well . Contemplation is one of the many things I find enjoyable but lately I feel like a man, not fully present ! People will be talking to me and I have not heard a word they have said, why you ask because I am thinking of the flowers I want to plant or something of that nature. My thoughts are so free they run thru my mind any time they please, with no regaurd for the person standing there talking to me. This life i am living is a bit different than the one I thought I would be living, at least right here right now. My life is truly becoming more and more detached from everyone and in some ways giving more than ever. I know every thing I speak of could be costrued as a oxy-moron and I suppose that is what i am trying to say. I am free yet not, I am lost but somehow found. These words sould bring comfort but I fear they will just open your eyes to how very confused I am at this time in my life. I have always deep in the recesses of my mind been a free soul and today that freedom is pushing itself into my reality. I am thinking of and becoming satisfied with the simplicity that has become my life. I had always hoped to be someone great like "Mother Theresa" or " Ida Beauchamp", but I wake each day to find I am just a woman who has raised a family and loved one man all her life. The simplicity is striking when you think of all the dreams I have dreamed of most of my life. I have truly wanted to preach and teach the word of God but found I am not made of the stuff to be a pastor, I have wanted to work in the medical field and did so for a brief period of my life as an EMT(volunteer). I have also always wanted to minister to those with normal every day mental stresses and have done so across my kitchen table but yet to have made that the work of my life. By most standards I have failed in so many ways it is impossible to count, but I feel successful in life. I feel I really did get what was important for the most part. I may not have any fancy titles or jobs but if loving my family was on the list people deam as a huge success, well then I am.
Love is my claim to fame, I have made my greatest mission in life to love and there in lies my success and happiness because I have loved and been loved . I am so far from the finish line and I do not know what my furture holds but I think I just got my wind and for me that means a whole different life than the one I have led so far. Everything changes and everything stays the same !
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"I have also always wanted to minister to those with normal every day mental stresses and have done so across my kitchen table but yet to have made that the work of my life. By most standards I have failed in so many ways it is impossible to count"...... Don't you ever doubt yourself my dear one! I was one of your patients at that kitchen table!! More than once! And it has by far been the best therapy that I've had... and I've paid for some pretty rotten sessions!! :P YOU are your lifes work!
ReplyDelete"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up." ~ Mark Twain
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